Bean-Counting Councillor and Territorial Army reservist, Harry “R” Rogerson, today submitted a formal complaint to The Citizen moaning that we hadn’t been hacking his phone.

Disturbed that his phone calls to Domino’s, The Nawab and The Hong Kong had all gone unreported, the former army chef shouted, “THIS IS A FUCKIN’ TRAVESTY! I’VE BEEN IN CHARGE FOR BLOODY MONTHS NOW AND NOBODY GIVES A TOSS! ALL THAT ARSE LICKING AND SUCKING UP TO THE LOCAL BIG KNOBS TO GET MESELF NOMINATED AND NOT ONE BLEEDIN’ DOWNLOAD FROM THE BLOODY PHONE.”

Citizen supremo and editor, Tim C, responded that “I wouldn’t have a clue how to do it and I don’t intend publishing The Citizen on Sunday anyway.”

Dissatisfied, Cllr Rogerson continued, “AAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH. FUCK IT! I WANT RECOGNITION! I’M FUCKIN’ IMPORTANT NOW, MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYONE ELSE! I BET THEM HUNTINGDON COUNCILLORS HAVE HAD MURDOCH SNIFFIN’ ROUND THEIR SAMSUNGS! HOW COME HUNTINGDON GETS EVERYTHING WHEN ST NEOTS DON”T? ARRRRRGGGHHHH!”

Reports that the closure of backstreet “tanning” shop Salon Two could lead to the publication of details of  hacked phone calls are entirely untrue.

The Citizen reported on the merger last month, with councillors Marcel and van der Whitevanman getting all excited about the prospect of ‘taking over’ their lazy counterparts in the other towns.

However, during discussions on what to call the new town, things turned ugly. “We’d previously agreed to call in St Huntingives,” said councillor Marcel, “despite having an underhanded scheme to leave the historical name of St Neots intact. After all, St Ives and Huntingdon are just made-up names as far as I’m concerned.”

Matters came to a head when Huntingdon councillor Susan Mulligatawny refused to sign an accord stating that the river Great Ouse, which runs through all three towns, belonged to the largest of the three alone. “Everyone has equal rights to this waterway,” said Mulligatawny, “and mayor Gordon Wicksteed has no right to demand a new tax for each litre flowing through Huntingdon. I told him to fuck off! His town doesn’t have ‘shire’ written after it does it?”

The group of St Neots councillors then walked out of negotiations. “They have no clue about how to behave when someone better than you is offering to take away your woes,” said cllr van der Whitevanman. “The only thing I’m worried about now is our cinema – we might actually have to build one, instead of just claiming that Huntingdons is in St Neots.”

Residents again had mixed emotions. “It’s a shame really,” said Andrew Morson of Avenue Road. “As a lover of gyratory systems, I was looking forward to improved access to the ring road. Now I guess that’s just another dream I’ll never realise.” Brenda McShaw, on the other hand, was delighted. “I moved to St Neots years ago to get away from the fucking Oxmoor,” said Ms. Mcshaw, who lives in Milton Avenue, “and I don’t want to be subsumed into some horrible soulless estate without even moving – thank you very much!”

The council said it was looking into alternative mergers, with Bedford and Cambourne considered likely targets. “There is however a town called Eynesbury in Australia,” said Terrence Dougall, “and if we can build some sort of rubber busway and claim it belongs to us we’ll all have much lovlier weather.” A team of councillors will visit this month on a nine-week jolly fact-finding mission and report back as soon as the sunburn dies down.

On plans for the new store, Tesco spokesman Phil Fawcett said, “The car park is a bit to organised, no award winner believe me!” He continued, “however, we shall need to expand both out and up to make this our new main store for St Neots and you never know – another award winning car park.”

When asked about their current Barford Road store and why a new larger location was needed, Fawcett commented that “the recent crime maps have forced our hand. Why would anyone want to visit the Eastside store except those living in Eynesbury? We are re-branding the store with three thick blue stripes, removing it’s extra status and all things worth any value. The space vacated will be filled with Value products and cheap alcohol.”

The company will then sell lots of nice branded products in the new Westside store, for all the lovely residents of the Eatons with out the stuff getting lifted by “Eynesbury’s dirty little paws”.

Wayne Chervis, 17, from Duck Lane commented, “Wot, removing all the leccy bits, how am I to support the loss of my EMA now?”

Eynesbury Manor resident Bertrice Malpracteece was not too shocked. “Well it had to come, I shall enjoy mixing with those Eaton types while shopping.”

Local town and district Eynesbury councillor Steve van der Whitevanman was outraged. “Another blow to the residents of Eynesbury. This can not carry on, I shall go to the district planners  and protest at once!”

Councillor van der Whitevanman may be too late. Another secret HDC meeting may have already approved the plans.  Head of Planning Mr Puti Tupanrun had nothing to say on the matter, instead roaring off in a new Range Rover sport.

Cambridgeshire County Council have announced that all routes that receive a subsidy will lose cash, and local bus operators say this means many routes will be scaled back or cut, including all the local services within St Neots.

Grannies were quick to complain. “My Derek lives in Little Paxton,” said Jean Whitehouse, 70, of Nene Road, “and the only way I can hope to go and see the grandkids is by taking three buses, a total journey of two hours. Without this vital service what am I going to do, eh?”

However, Council transport chiefs hit back saying it was exactly these “vital customers” which had made the cuts necessary. “Oldies are quick to tell us that we don’t make use of public transport, and that they need this ‘lifeline’ to get to hospital and their selfish kids’ houses and the Co-Op, which they still insist on calling Gateway. But actually if we weren’t having to fund their free travel via those fucking bus passes, Stagecoach and Whippet would be making plenty of money and wouldn’t need to rely on council subsidy.”

It’s thought that by the end of the summer, the Mighty X5 will be the only route running through the town. “This’ll be a fucking nightmare,” said commuter Chasey Lane, 32, who works in Cambridge. “It’s bad enough that the bus is always full of fucking half-fare students without it being taken over by the elderly aswell. The toilets on board already make the bus stink of piss without adding the over-65 population as well. It’ll be like a day trip to the folk museum every morning. Urgh.”

Town council leader Julia Wayward suggested that the St Neots town routes, with their total customer base of around seventeen, could be saved by cutting services elsewhere in the county. “Why the fuck anyone would need a bus to Chatteris is anyone’s guess,” she said.

Talking heads on shows such as “I Love 1982″ often reference the canine excretions which, if left uncleared, turn a fossilised shade of white after a couple of days.

Council spokesman Bob Fillingborough said that, “In the seventies, no-one could afford to clear up dog shit, and in the eighties they were too busy shoving cocaine up their snouts and trying to achieve the perfect perm.

“As we moved into the nineties, and more prosperous noughties, richer councils were able to spend more on street sweepers, and the problem went away. Now, with cuts being made, children will once again hear their mothers cry, ‘No Billy! That’s not a piece of chalk!”

The concrete track, which runs from St Ives to Cambridge and comes nowhere near the largest (and best) town, was due to open some time in the last decade, but has been plagued by errors and faults.

“At first,” said CCC spokesman Alex Bowlhead, 25, “we found a lot of real problems with the guideway, like broken expansion joints and big fuck-off potholes. We decided to deduct £14k a day from the builders’ fee in order to make them finish it quickly.”

But as the situation dragged on, the council realised they could recoup the entire cost of contractor BAM Nutall’s multi-million pound bill, still get their fancy busway, and tell taxpayers that a saving had been made. “We started having weekly board meetings to dream up – I mean, identify – problems with the system,” continued Bowlhead. “For example, we whinged a lot about the flooded cycle path, which doesn’t affect the buses at all, and that all the signs were four inches too low.”

As time went on, the transport department began heading out at night to vandalise – or in their words, “inspect” – the busway for defects. “Mysteriously, all the drains in the Park & Ride site near St Ives became filled with concrete and the whole place flooded,” said an employee of the contractors, which so far has been docked over £9 million. “When the council turned up to look the next day, they already had overalls on that were covered in concrete – I assume they had been trying to help unblock it.”

It is, however, unlikely that the recovered cost will ever be seen by any of the county’s 770,000 residents. “It’ll probably just be washed back into the system,” said town councillor Julia Wayward, “so those greedy bastards at Shire Hall can have some new pens and paperclips and things. They’ll tell us they’ve saved us millions of pounds and hope we’re too stupid to notice.” Her colleague Steve van der Whitevanman said that as the guideway will not benefit St Neots at all, the money should – predictably – be used to build a cinema.

The councillor, who cannot be named, pleaded guilty to one case of thinking for himself and another two counts of harassment by dangerous thinking.

The charges were brought against him after a number of incidents in the Whitehall Walk and Duck Lane areas of Eynesbury in October last year.

The restraining order prevents him from entering into any illogical thought process for two years. Although saved from a 4 month prison sentence, any breach of the order and self-thinking without supervision will see the councillor removed from the area. The councillor was also ordered to remove any public admission of self-thinking and his profile on a local interweb forum has been altered accordingly.

Sandy Roxton, from the Eynesbury neighbourhood watch scheme, said: “This decision to curtail unpleasant incidents of anti-social self-thinking, at least in public, should send a strong message to any other wannabe’s trying to get their name in the paper.”

Councillor Terrence Dougall said “It’s good to see that an individual who caused a lot of grief to the residents of Eynesbury has been dealt with. Has anyone got a spare bed?”

Bertrand Russell was unavailable for comment.

The call for action to be taken on the fencing comes amidst concerns that it is dangerous and makes the are look more unsightly.  The Town Council have been keen to point out it is the County Council’s responsibility to repair.

Local councillor Steven van der Steve was reported as saying; “We believe that it is in the public interest that the County Council make things safe by replacing the existing barrier.  This is one issue the Town Council feel strongly and will not be sitting on the fence about, particularly as the fence in question is rotten in parts.”

Reaction to the demand of local councillors has been mixed.  Local solicitor Irma Konnman commented “I fail to see why Town Councillors consider the fence to be unsightly, when it’s simply fitting in with the area behind.  As for it being dangerous it would be unfortunate for the County Council if someone had an injury and then wished to sue them”.

Handy Andy was unavailable for comment.

From then on it was difficult to tell which was derelict property and which had been torched by the fire. Council Surveyor Lars Gasp (67) said, “So many houses round here look condemned it was more cost effective for us to declare the whole area derelict than try and repair any damage.” He added, “So that’s cocked-up the councils plan for providing more houses, we added 1200 at Love’s Farm only to lose the same amount from Eynesbury.”

Those responsible have still not been caught by the police. In fact The Citizen understands that Cambridgeshire Constabulary’s full compliment of Officers is currently involved in a series of evening meetings with the public and local councillors dedicated to understanding the reasons why chavs set fire to wheelie bins. This means that any reports of crime will not be responded to or investigated until early next week, just after elevenses on Monday.

Illustrious Oi! magazine editor Thundopolus P. Staker, 46, said, “This is bloody fuck-in stupid, we love our chavs but burning the whole place down? What a bunch of knob-heads!”

Earlier this week an Inter-City train was not set on fire when two local chavs failed to light a petrol bomb before launching it. Police were unable to respond in that instance due to the fact that the whole of the workforce had been involved in a community liaison exercise getting to know pets of the area.

Local Inspector Perry Grafham commented, “This new wave of arson where the criminals actually set fire to stuff is very worrying, normally we don’t have to do anything because they’ve been daft enough to not bring matches. This represents a whole new problem and one that we will have difficulty resourcing in the current climate.”

Fireman Sam was on holiday and unavailable for comment.