Tag Archive
Rude Road Comes Under Fire
The latest road to gain a name on Far Eastside estate Love’s Farm has come under fire for being a bit rude. Belland Hill, which gained it’s name sometime in the last couple of weeks, is not named after anything in particular, according to councillors and developers. However, the name is just one vowel... »
EXCLUSIVE: Naked Skateboarder Revealed!!
Always first with the stories that really matter The Citizen can exclusively reveal the identity of St Neots’ early morning 4-wheeled wonder to be none other than Award Winning Local Councillor Larry Hackman. Hackman (3.5 inches) was spotted by sharp-eyed local man Gordon McQueen while out walking his dog this week. “I couldn’t believe... »
Council Plans More Bins
Following news that a council in the Frozen North is using up to nine wheelie bins for each house, HDC today announced a radical new plan for the district’s recyclables. Currently, most people have three wheelie bins, or different coloured bags for their rubbish. The new system will include up to 87 different coloured... »
Lib Dem Posters Cause Confusion
A local Lib Dem attempt to simplify electoral posters has back fired in spectacular fashion, it was revealed yesterday. Long and complicated second names like Gdnagley and van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver have lead to a plague of difficult to spell names displayed all over St Neots. Pre-empting this confusion, local parliamentary... »
Shock As Wayward Abolishes Self
St Neots Town Council were in shock this week as Council Leader Julia Wayward agreed to abolish herself. The roles of council leader and deputy leader will no longer exist, said Wayward today, as they are completely fucking pointless. “Honestly,” Wayward continued, “can you imagine actually LEADING such a rag-tag bunch of whinging little... »
WVM Promises New Fences For All
Liberal Democrat councillor Steve van der Whitevanman has promised new fences if re-elected – but only for Eynesbury residents. Cllr vn der Whitevanman has a long-standing history with fences after campaigning tirelessly for a new one at the Cambridge Street / Sandfields Road junction last year. Now the councillor hopes to win votes by... »
Ballot Papers Too Short For Steve
Eynesbury Lib Dem councillor Steven van der Whitevanman was under pressure today to change his name by deedpoll to something a little shorter. Whitevanman, whose full name is Steven van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver, came under attack by Electoral Reform officials who say his name is too long for a... »
Monster Raving Looneys Far Too Sensible
The local candidate for the Monster Raving Looney party, Lord Ropey Rug, was today declared “far too sensible” by members of the less-interesting parties. “The Looney’s are supposed to come up with some really amusing – but unrealistic – policies to keep everyone smiling through the election ridiculousness,” said Conservative party candidate and current... »
Town To Abandon Pound?
It was sensationally revealed tonight that, if elected, the Lib Dems plan to opt St Neots out of the United Kingdom’s currency, the Great British Pound. “The quid is a bit of an outdated concept,” said Steve van der Whitevanman at this evening’s press conference, “seeing as everything costs so fucking much now. I... »
News In Recession – Official
The Editor of the St Neots Citizen today apologised for the lack of recent updates, saying “really, guys, there is fuck all to report.” He went on, “We promised less councillor bitching, moaning and cock-waving than other papers, but we can’t deliver that right now as that is all the councillors are doing. “It’s... »
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