Posts Tagged ‘Crime’
Scatalogical Scandal As Phantom Strikes Again
It has been almost three months since the last horrific sighting of this dastardly deviants work but on Monday 14th the Citizen was contacted by an eye witness. The witness, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of retribution from this villain, reported “a scene [Read More]
Chav Superhighway Funding Exclusive
As the bridge is opened over the Great Ouse, St Neots Citizen has uncovered the missing funding donor for the Eynesbury to Eatons Chav Superhighway. It appears that the unaccounted-for money, to the tune of a Rowley Million, has been put forward by a consortium made up of [Read More]
St Neots Girls Mistaken For Stevenage Scum
St Neots girls were yesterday refused entry to the entire town of Stevenage after a case of mistaken identity led bouncers to believe they were pub-smashing ruffians. [Read More]
Local Chavs Terrified Of Gun-Wielding Nans
Hoodie yobs in St Neots report they are scared to leave their own homes after gangs of knife-happy pensioners began roaming the streets. Reports in local rags of a “grey crime-wave” only hint at the daily abuse suffered by local teens at the hands of loudmouthed [Read More]
Police Reveal New Crimefighting Weapon
Hoodie asbo twats are to be tackled by an army of dangerous 'Supernans' [Read More]
No-One Surprised As Eastside Tops Crime Charts
Residents of Eaton Ford and Eaton Socon today expressed a lack of surprise that down-at-heel neighbour Eynesbury topped the crime statistics in a new “street-level crime map” by the police. Rozzers caused consternation in Cambridge when their new barely-working [Read More]
Increased iPhone Theft Lowers iPhone Theft
Police spokesman Kim Stonely-Bolton has revealed that increased theft of much-coveted iPhones in St Neots has in fact reduced reported theft by 85%. “This is brilliant news,” said Stonely-Bolton, “as it shows that Cambridgeshire Constabulary are succeeding [Read More]
Official: St Neots’ Armed Robbers More Successful Than Huntingdon’s
Huntingdon’s criminal fraternity was reeling last night after being comprehensively outshone by their St Neots rivals. Two successful armed robberies in the better town, targetting Securicor vans outside supermarkets and banks, have recently been perpetrated by [Read More]
Police Keen To Blame All Crimes On Unique
Local law enforcers were today said to be glad that they had a scapegoat for every single crime committed in the five weeks that the Unique bar, on South Street, was open. “It seems a likely target,” said local copper PC George Plotkiss. “Now the bar has [Read More]
Green Field “Complete Success”
Local councillors, business representatives and local police have hailed the closure of the old Huntingdon Road pool “a complete success.” Some years after the community resource was filled and fenced off a council report has shown a fall in costs, deaths, [Read More]
