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Friday August 17th 2018

Posts Tagged ‘Crime’

Scatalogical Scandal As Phantom Strikes Again

Scatalogical Scandal As Phantom Strikes Again

It has been almost three months since the last horrific sighting of this dastardly deviants work but on Monday 14th the Citizen was contacted by an eye witness. The witness, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of retribution from this villain, reported “a scene [Read More]

Chav Superhighway Funding Exclusive

Chav Superhighway Funding Exclusive

As the bridge isĀ openedĀ over the Great Ouse, St Neots Citizen has uncovered the missing funding donor for the Eynesbury to Eatons Chav Superhighway. It appears that the unaccounted-for money, to the tune of a Rowley Million, has been put forward by a consortium made up of [Read More]

St Neots Girls Mistaken For Stevenage Scum

St Neots Girls Mistaken For Stevenage Scum

St Neots girls were yesterday refused entry to the entire town of Stevenage after a case of mistaken identity led bouncers to believe they were pub-smashing ruffians. [Read More]

Local Chavs Terrified Of Gun-Wielding Nans

Local Chavs Terrified Of Gun-Wielding Nans

Hoodie yobs in St Neots report they are scared to leave their own homes after gangs of knife-happy pensioners began roaming the streets. Reports in local rags of a “grey crime-wave” only hint at the daily abuse suffered by local teens at the hands of loudmouthed [Read More]

Police Reveal New Crimefighting Weapon

Police Reveal New Crimefighting Weapon

Hoodie asbo twats are to be tackled by an army of dangerous 'Supernans' [Read More]

No-One Surprised As Eastside Tops Crime Charts

No-One Surprised As Eastside Tops Crime Charts

Residents of Eaton Ford and Eaton Socon today expressed a lack of surprise that down-at-heel neighbour Eynesbury topped the crime statistics in a new “street-level crime map” by the police. Rozzers caused consternation in Cambridge when their new barely-working [Read More]

Increased iPhone Theft Lowers iPhone Theft

Increased iPhone Theft Lowers iPhone Theft

Police spokesman Kim Stonely-Bolton has revealed that increased theft of much-coveted iPhones in St Neots has in fact reduced reported theft by 85%. “This is brilliant news,” said Stonely-Bolton, “as it shows that Cambridgeshire Constabulary are succeeding [Read More]

Official: St Neots’ Armed Robbers More Successful Than Huntingdon’s

Official: St Neots’ Armed Robbers More Successful Than Huntingdon’s

Huntingdon’s criminal fraternity was reeling last night after being comprehensively outshone by their St Neots rivals. Two successful armed robberies in the better town, targetting Securicor vans outside supermarkets and banks, have recently been perpetrated by [Read More]

Police Keen To Blame All Crimes On Unique

Police Keen To Blame All Crimes On Unique

Local law enforcers were today said to be glad that they had a scapegoat for every single crime committed in the five weeks that the Unique bar, on South Street, was open. “It seems a likely target,” said local copper PC George Plotkiss. “Now the bar has [Read More]

Green Field “Complete Success”

Green Field “Complete Success”

Local councillors, business representatives and local police have hailed the closure of the old Huntingdon Road pool “a complete success.” Some years after the community resource was filled and fenced off a council report has shown a fall in costs, deaths, [Read More]

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This Just In

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Neotians were this week beginning to prepare for 2014′s predicted favourite sport – namely, complaining [Read More]

Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

District and county councillor Steve van der Whitevanman caused controversy this week after he definitely didn’t [Read More]

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Meat experts have today shocked the British public with the real reason behind the horse DNA contamination scandal. [Read More]

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Local newspaper the Cambridge Evening News In The Morning has revealed that it is going to sack all its reporters, [Read More]

New School Thief-Proof

New School Thief-Proof

South Cambs DC have revealed that new secondary school Cambourne Village College is designed with special anti-theft [Read More]

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