It appears that the unaccounted-for money, to the tune of a Rowley Million, has been put forward by a consortium made up of Bedfordshire Police and Cambridgeshire Constabulary.

Chief Inspector Kim Stonely-Bolton, from Cambs Police, released the following statement after presenting him with our findings.

“Cambs Police had help to co-fund this bridge with our colleagues over the border to help in our current campaign, ‘Operation Collar a Chav called Kevin’, or ‘CACK’. The St Neotian chav is not the brightest of the chav species inhabiting this island, and will always take the shortest, most direct route home after a bit of thieving, vandalism or fighting – not bothering to circuitously avoid the Rozzers at all.

“Regular trips into Little Barford to burn out a car prompted Beds Police to help in the bridge’s funding. Once on this highway we can easily pick them up at the other end.”

Mrs Moore from from Huddersfield, holidaying in the Eynesbury Camp Site, is not so convinced. “They will just run down the side of this lovely little camp site, ruining a good swinging session or an early night. The last thing we want is that blasted helicopter hanging over us”

Ex-councilor Julia Wayward thought the idea was “Excellent,” but added “Please don’t call me again. I only left the council so the Citizen would leave me alone.”

With the darker nights soon to be coming, it is expected the bridge will become busier by the day – once Darren and his mates have smashed all the lights, of course.

Local staff nurse Nicola Pinkside and her compatriots were accosted by police in the overgrown concrete Hertfordshire shithole and forcibly ejected from the so-called town. “Apparently we’d smashed up a pub earlier in the evening,” said Pinkside, “but frankly I think I’d remember that.”

A spokesman for Hertfordshire Constabulary said, “It’s obvious these Cambridgeshire girls were to blame for the pub-destroying incident. No-one from Stevenage ever does anything violent ever.”

Stevenage suffers from a high level of violent crime compared to the surrounding area, and it is thought the local rozzers are keen to blame all the borough’s problems on intruders from the more salubrious county to the North. “I think we can close the book on every unsolved nan-mugging and midnight shoeing in the area,” said Pc Ras Prince, “as it’s clear that we’ve now removed this violent Cantabridgian faction.”

St Neots councillors responded by demanding Stevenagers look “in the fucking mirror” to find all the criminals they could ever want.

Reports in local rags of a “grey crime-wave” only hint at the daily abuse suffered by local teens at the hands of loudmouthed bus pass holders.

“Me and about seventeen of my under-age mates were kicking off at the bouncers at the Pig’n'Falcon the other night,” said Sandfields Road lad Martin Winston, 15, “when all of a sudden these two old geezers rocked up with some sort of shotgun and told us to fuck off. They said they knew where we lived and would be round later to have words with our mums. I’ve never been so terrified.”

Indeed, earlier reports of crime-fighting OAPs appear to be a cover – in fact, it’s the wrinkly septegenarians themselves perpetrating almost all offences in the area.

Age Concern spokesman Terry Tempsford said that most elderly were probably only carrying guns left over from the Boer War, which finished in 1902. Claims were instantly dismissed as rubbish by under-attack asbo chavlets. “By my reckoning that’d make most survivors 129,” said Queens Gardens resident Stacey Lane, 14, “and they’re definitely young enough to run after us at a fair old lick.”

Police spokesman Kim Stonely-Bolton today warned aggro-causing youngsters to be on their guard. “It’s the same advice we used to give out to pensioners, before it turned out they were the worst of the lot. Don’t walk alone after dark, and if you feel threatened, call the rozzers.”

Off the records, Stonely-Bolton commented that “It’ll do the little fuckers good to have a taste of their own medicine.”

The Reebok-sporting wankers have recently taken to hanging around the Market Square on Friday nights, attacking single innocent drinkers as they stumble home from the pub.

“We’ve tried everything,” said Detective Inspector Kim Stonely-Bolton, “but the little tossers just won’t fuck off. It’s probably because of those underdressed 14-year-old girls that seem to idolise them, on account of one of them having once had a driving lesson.”

As the national media ran reports of replacing the oft-ignored anti-social behaviour orders with removal of iPods, passports and the introduction of naughty steps, Northants-based pensioners were busy taking on armed jewellery store robbers and winning. “This is exactly the kind of thing we need in St Neots,” said councillor Jen Hawk of Eaton Ford. “These angry little bellends are swiftly going to find their reign of terror at an end.”

It is thought the council and police are in talks with various OAP’s from our western neighbour to provide bouncer services on Friday and Saturday nights. “Well,” said Gladys Webb of the town’s Greenwood Road, who celebrated her 72nd birthday last week, “taking their iPods isn’t going to work if they’re just going to nick more from other people. I’ve got a handbag full of batteries, to give them a good old-fashioned clonk on the head with. They won’t know what’s hit them. No-one’ll be tagging my headscarf, that’s for sure!”

In order to avoid prosecution by overzealous upper-middle-class, Daily Mail-reading parents of rebellious wastes of human skin, all senior citizens employed for streetwatch duties will be legally declared “ever so slightly insane” by local doctors before starting work. “This,” said Stonely-Bolton, “will ensure our wrinkly, slightly malodourous secret weapon a hundred per cent success rate.”

Trials start this weekend.

Rozzers caused consternation in Cambridge when their new barely-working concept, which lists crime and anti-social behaviour street by street, named the city’s Peas Hill as one of the most crime-ridden streets in the whole country.

But closer to home, the town centre and Eynesbury – both located on St Neots’ Eastside – far overtook their westerly neighbours with well over 100 reported crimes in 2010, compared to around sixty in the Eatons.

“This is exactly the kind of image Eynesbury doesn’t need,” ranted Eynesbury councillor Steve van der Whitevanman. “How am I supposed to convince people that the Eastside is a wonderful place to live when this sort of thing is freely available on the internet?”

A closer look at the figures reveals that Eynesbury tops the charts for reports of anti-social behaviour, racking up more than the regular Friday-night fight club arena known as the Market Square. Inspector Kim Stonely-Bolton of Cambridgeshire police said that “this is mainly due to hoodie ASBO twats hanging around keying people’s cars and tagging their guinea pigs, although there were also higher incidences of other crimes this side of the river, such as relocating a goat without the proper permit, and youths failing to attend archery practise with the local vicar.”

Homeowners in “posh” Eynesbury Manor were shocked. “I’m heading straight to B&Q to buy a security gate for my front door and grills for my window,” said Jacqueline Fotherington of Stocker Way. “If we’re going to live in a fucking ghetto then it might as well look like one!” Indeed, the housing estate built on a floodplain and sold as prestige accommodation acts as a conduit for passing chavs as their smashed Stella bottles reach critical mass in one area and they are forced to move on. “Once this bridge opens,” said Fotherington, “it’ll be ten times worse, as we won’t even have the respite of the winter months where they don’t want to dirty their shiny white Lonsdale plimsolls.”

Businesses in the town centre were quick to refute claims that the area was more dangerous than Eaton Socon and, indeed, Beirut. “Clearly,” said Marion Barrett, of Barrett’s, “the real reason there is less reported crime in the Eatons is that by the time the ‘yoofs’ move over the river, it’s after eleven and the bizzies have gone home. Simple really.”

“This is brilliant news,” said Stonely-Bolton, “as it shows that Cambridgeshire Constabulary are succeeding in creating a safer county.”

The actual reason for the drop in reported thefts is that snooty iPhone users are unable to lower themselves back to using a common Nokia, and without a “Crap, my phone’s been nicked” app they are unable to report the loss to the rozzers.

Two successful armed robberies in the better town, targetting Securicor vans outside supermarkets and banks, have recently been perpetrated by mystery gun-wielding masked maniacs. But an identical attempt on a security vehicle outside our Neighbour to the North’s town centre Sainsbury’s went awry yesterday as police intercepted and arrested the outlaws within minutes.

Huntingdon jail-fodder spokesman Robbie “The Robber” Roberts, 51, was outraged. “It’s just not on,” he fumed last night at a suspected Mafia safehouse slated to become a sex shop outside Sawtry. “We fully expected to get away with this, having distracted law enforcers with a couple of token drug busts and a one-man shoplifting crimewave, but the rozzers were just too damn quick for us.”

He went on, “This has caused severe embarassment. Obviously we couldn’t let St Neots get away with being more dangerous so we carefully planned our own armed heist. I know it’s near the police station, but we didn’t expect this fast response.”

Indeed, shady St Neots criminal syndicates have been stepping up their game recently following publicised spending cuts on the bizzies. Monarch Road resident and criminal “footsoldier” Matthew “The Turkey” Bernards, 23, said “It’s boom-time right now for both petty and major criminals. The cops are too busy worrying about their pensions and, as we saw on a recent Channel 4 documentary, eating KFC. Being a small town we normally deal with nan-muggings, use bent cashiers to short-change supermarket tills, and pinch the odd car, but with the pressure off from the fuzz expect bank robberies to rise.”

News of the failed Huntingdon hold-up has further buoyed the town’s naughties. “There’s a real growth opportunity here,” said Bernards. “If the Oxmoor lot can’t handle their business, we’ll move in. Expect a turf war centered around Sapley to start any day now – we’ve been stocking up on eggs and flower ready for combat.”

St Neots’ armed gang has also linked themselves to recent attacks in Sandy, Biggleswade and Bedford. “We like to travel”, said a member.

“It seems a likely target,” said local copper PC George Plotkiss. “Now the bar has been shut down, we can say that every crime committed in town while it was open was their fault, and subsequently say we’ve solved them all by closing them down.”

Former Unique staff were reluctant to comment.

Some years after the community resource was filled and fenced off a council report has shown a fall in costs, deaths, crimes and toes stubbed on dodgy paving slabs.

Councillor Steve Whyte-Van-Der Ryyver said ever since this decision was taken the costs of providing this community facility have fallen dramatically. “Just because the hole doesn’t contain water any more doesn’t stop us from technically listing this as a swimming pool site. We haven’t done anything else with it, so as far as we’re concerned it’s a valuable public resource. To run the site costs a bit of grass cutting and picking up the odd Stella can but it represents real value for money. What’s more we’ve had no reports of drownings at the site and Health & Safety issues have fallen to zero. That is significant progress. And it’s got a nice big green fence round it, an area that that I specialise in.”

Speaking from a security angle Inspector Perry Grafham commented “We see this as a real triumph for community policing. No one has been assaulted or robbed on the site and it is free from joy-riding. All in all an area of policing excellence.”

St Neots business’s have also benefited. Local retailer Brittany Barragates commented “no point having swimming pools locally when that would stop people using my shop. The green field is a great example of modern planning to increase footfall past my doors.”

It is thought that the success of the scheme will encourage the council to close off more areas of community leisure resources. Riverside Park, all those kiddies playgrounds and large stretches the Great Ouse have been earmarked for fencing off.

The grotty old bogs, whose odour can be detected as far away as Little Paxton, have long been a blight on the landscape of South Street, especially since all the shops and warehouses on the road were turned into houses.

Resident Michael George, 51, who moved into a townhouse directly opposite the pongy pissoir in 2004, said “I keep thinking I haven’t flushed, but in fact it’s just the stench from across the road. It’s particularly bad on market day when so many weak-bladdered old dears visit from the Fens, they have to form a queue outside.”

However, not everyone welcomed the news. “This is a prime location for dropping off ching, horse, mandy and all manner of other drugs,” said Eynesbury dealer Ian Ovitch, 22. “The police aren’t allowed in without breathing apparatus so it’s relatively safe. And I always get my customers to rinse their hands and walk out shaking them dry, so it looks like they actually have just been for a slash.”

Councillors however denied they were taking the piss. “We can’t actually tell you why we want to shut the worst toilets in the district,” said a mysterious unnamed spokeswoman, “but as soon as we think of a reason we’ll be sure to let someone know.”

When we suggested the council use the sale of narcotics as an excuse, the spokeswoman flushed with embarassment and walked away.