Chairman of the society, Prof John Poems, commented “The project to give these well known fables a modern slant has been ongoing for some time. The recent press coverage of the puppy ‘stamping’ allowed us to complete the project.”

The final fable to be updated was The Boy Who Cried Wolf. It will now be entitled “The Girl Who Cried Hoody.” This well known story tells the tale of a boy who lied about a wolf killing his sheep, but when a real wolf showed up no one believed him.

This new updated version centres around a local St Neots girl May Marston, who tells a whopper about her dog being attacked by hoodies causing national outrage.
A few days later, her dog really does get run over. When she runs home with the crumpled body of the dog she accuses local rabbits of giving it a deadly virus. Of course no one believes her and thousands of pounds are saved by not having to perform a post mortem or looking for Bright Eyes in a hoody with a nasty cough.

In the ensuing furore she is vilified by locals who accuse local vets of not being able to tell the difference between a squashed dog and a case of distemper. The local history society were also said to be excited and were planning to erect a plaque on the Marston’s house to commemorate the story. Famous local historian Henry Tibbut commented “Liar, liar, pants on fire! See how easy it is to fool the press, we wouldn’t waste money on this little fibber.”

The Citizen tried to contact the Marstons for a telephone interview but were told in no uncertain terms to fuck off.

“Phase one of our local pilot scheme involves providing sufferers with a tiny puppy and no training in how to look after it. Sooner or later the dog will croak it and, with any luck, the owner will come up with such a heart-rending story about how it died that the newspapers will run it. The second phase involves a complete lack of evidence to back the story up, generating more newspaper coverage,” he told The Citizen.

“The net result of such intense therapy is a fucking shed-load of attention!” he added.

The Citizen understands that the scheme will now be rolled out across the county. The Brick Red Animal Sanctuary who will be supplying the furry bundles, have welcomed the news. Spokesperson Gaye Gamling said “What with Christmas coming and all that we’re going to have hundreds of the little shit-machines to give away. This scheme is a real win-win for all concerned… except the dogs that is.”

David Attenborough was unavailable for comment.

Marston appeared in several national newspapers and was the subject of a widely-supported Facebook group after she alledged that local yobs kicked her too-young-to-be-outside puppy to death in Priory Park.

However, a post mortem has shown that the canine’s demise was due to the Parvo virus. The fact that the dog was outside being walked before it had been fully immunised is probably one of the main reasons behind it kicking the bucket.

“I am proper fucked off about this,” said local hoodie Darren Kevin, 17, of Sandwich Road, when we interrupted him keying a neighbour’s car to ask his opinion. “OK, we might smash your windows or shout at your nan, but we’ve been blamed for killing a dog, and that ain’t on.”

His associate Barry King, also 17, stopped tagging his auntie’s fence for a minute to say, “If it was a kitten I could understand. I mean, dogs are the ultimate hoodie chav accessory these days. Especially ones like Jack Russells that don’t look viscious, cos then you can, like, train ‘em to be, like, super-stealth attack dogs or something.”

King hastily pointed out that he doesn’t kill kittens either – “They’re nasty little fuckers too if you, like, train them… and they’re fluffy and cute.”

People posting on the “Justice for the Dead Dog” Facebook group were shocked at the news that the teen had lied about the demise of her beloved pooch. Her chavvy friends instantly commented that “everyone can fuck off right, just cos the post mortem showed that the dog died of natural causes don’t mean it wasn’t kicked to death.”

Council leader Julia Wayward was quick to comment. “This girl has given St Neots – and it’s indiginous hoodie yobs – a bad name. It’s time she faced up to what she’s done and apologised.”

Following national outcry over the kicking to death of a ten-week-old puppy in Priory Park, offers of help and support, an OAP buying the girl in question a new puppy, near-on mob justice in St Neots, and an innocent (for this crime at least) teen being villified on Facebook for supposedly killing the dog, it turns out that the canine died of a virus, and there was no evidence at all of head trauma.

Yes, the girl has ADHD and therefore probably can’t be trusted as the most reliable source of accurate information. But the fact that her parents allowed the story to go so far, hitting the national press and damaging the not-exactly-brilliant reputation of St Neots, is beyond belief.

St Neots isn’t a brilliant town, it hasn’t got that much going for it. It has its problems – although maybe not as many as a larger town or city, or extremely deprived areas in other parts of the country. But it isn’t all that bad either. Now it will carry for some time a reputation which it does not deserve, as the news of the hoax will surely not reach the centre stage as the initial “bleeding heart” story did. People see one thing about a town and take that to be the norm. Look at the football coach “riots” in the early 80′s – that was a one-off but St Neots still has a reputation for being unsafe for visiting football fans.

It really fucking angers me when people pull St Neots into disrepute. April Alderton and her family must hang their heads in shame.