After years of campaigning and moaning Cllr WVM has succeeded in pissing off enough dog walkers with his grumbling gripes that even the ones that used to pick it up have encouraged their mutts to lay enough canine cables to clog Paxton Pits to the point where the land to the north is fully above river level.

Local anglers were not happy at the news. “I’ve been fishing here for nearly half a century and all I catch these days is Corgi crap and worms,” said one. “It’s all the bloody council’s fault, winding the dog walkers up! It wouldn’t surprise me if they weren’t planning to use the reclaimed land to build a cinema on!”

Cllr WVM, who is proud to live in Eynesbury, said “I am proud to live in Eynesbury because there’s not as much shit as Paxton Pits. However I do see this as another opportunity to start a crusade that will eventually get my photo in the paper. Therefore, as of now, I’ll be starting a Facebook campaign (“Don’t Shit In The Pit”) to name and shame anybody or anydoggy that’s leaves a log on the lake. Mind you I do like the idea of putting a cinema there…”

“Phase one of our local pilot scheme involves providing sufferers with a tiny puppy and no training in how to look after it. Sooner or later the dog will croak it and, with any luck, the owner will come up with such a heart-rending story about how it died that the newspapers will run it. The second phase involves a complete lack of evidence to back the story up, generating more newspaper coverage,” he told The Citizen.

“The net result of such intense therapy is a fucking shed-load of attention!” he added.

The Citizen understands that the scheme will now be rolled out across the county. The Brick Red Animal Sanctuary who will be supplying the furry bundles, have welcomed the news. Spokesperson Gaye Gamling said “What with Christmas coming and all that we’re going to have hundreds of the little shit-machines to give away. This scheme is a real win-win for all concerned… except the dogs that is.”

David Attenborough was unavailable for comment.

The latest victims Mr Shaggy and his dog Scooby, still traumatised but able to talk, said “He came out of the fog like a mythical beast and sank his fangs deep into Scooby, there was nothing I could do as my hands were full of plastic bags of Scooby doo because I am a responsible dog owner.”

The beast was believed to be accompanied and a creepy old guy was seen heading back to the spooky looking house on the hill shouting, “And I would of gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling kids.”

Mr Shaggy has sought the help of a local website in his bid to trace the owner. Local politician and one time dog whisperer Steve van der Van Driver has offered his services. Mr Van Driver said, “There are no bad dogs, just bad owners. It was probably that Fen tiger from before.” He then released his hounds to chase your Citizen reporter from his estate.

Fred, Daphne and Wilma were unavailable for comment.

Story by DK