Local historians were today hailing the recent radar mapping of the old Priory site a success having discovered several important artefacts.

Artefacts dating back over 500 years were removed from the site to be catalogued at the nearby Council offices. Famous local historian Henry Tibbett commented, “We have found the remains of sticky carpet, a broken urinal, some dried vomit and some music by the medieval duo Dark Lace, well known for their crap tunes in the 1400′s.”

Uncultured

He went on, “It would appear that the nightlife in St Neots was just as shit 500 years ago as it is today.”

Management of St Neots premier nightspot The Priory, in the Market Square, were said to be pleased they were keeping up with the local tradition of providing a terrible evening’s entertainment.

Stella Fosters, manageress of the venue which is soon to alienate 90% of its customer base by instituting an over-21′s, no-trainers policy, commented “Sticky carpets, puke, crap music and broken bogs are all part of the experience we try to give our valued clients.”

“We can also boast excessive waiting times to get a drink, bad language and fat women in leggings,” she continued. “Of course, 500 years ago you could smoke your clay pipe indoors but I am pleased to say you can now have a smoke in the freezing cold and wet looking like a twat on the Market Square.”

Uncovered

Council Leader Julia Wayward was said to be very excited at the news as there was now firm evidence of ‘crap pubs’ going back centuries. “Continuity is vital, as are maintaining standards, people need to know what they can expect,” she said in a statement earlier today. “It certainly dispels the myths of great nights out to be had in days gone by.”

Unsafe

Small fragments of coloured glass found at the site have now been confirmed as part of a stained glass window, the Citizen was told exclusively today. It had been thought they had formed part of the 1431 Christmas lights display that fell down injuring a dwarf juggling jester taking part in the festivities.

Referring of course to the recent Worx closure Miss Dington chose to gob off even though no one, least of all The Citizen, could give a blind toss. In fact most right minded people gave a sigh of relief once the place shut it doors forever.

The Citizen sent a reporter out onto the street to see if Miss Dington’s claims of “confusion and loneliness” were in any way valid.

“What you fucking looking at?”  screamed one passer-by as our reporter approached a bunch of scrotes outside The Corner House. Asking for the groups perception of the socio-economic and facilities/benefit impact of receivership closures of local franchises our reporter was set about mercilessly.

Speaking from his Hinchinbrooke hospital bed he said “she might have a point – they did seem rather tense.”

Ray Winstone was unavailable for comment.

This week it was announced with much fanfare that the formerly popular venue, closed down by Teeth-Moss Entertainment in favour of the rubbish club across the road, would be re-opened by Mr Yoshimi, thereby allowing local drinkers to return to the slightly more pleasant venue that everyone whinged about losing a year ago.

However, at the last minute it was revealed that the building was “not ready” and residents would have to wait another week – which is exactly what happened when Worx was due to open a year ago.

Local binge-drinkers were feeling let down as the club announced the delay on Facebook. Polly Kerman, of Berkely Street, gave the Citizen déja-vu by saying “Hunch Taverns have been saying that it’ll DEFINITELY be open on the 10th, so it was fairly obvious it wouldn’t be” which is more or less exactly what she said about Worx.

Excited as we are about the return of the grotty barn which used to serve us at 14 years old, The Citizen is also sitting smugly back after it’s prediction that “Worx will charge an entry fee, meaning a maximum of three people inside at any one time” was proved to be correct.

Ignoring the fact that the Priory seemed to be busy as ever, a spokesman for Teeth-Moss Entertainment, who own the venue in the former Job Centre as well as similarly-doomed Stripes Bar & Grill in South Street, said “It just wasn’t viable.”

“People have been staying in,” he continued. “A tenner to get in and drink all night isn’t much, but we regularly had an empty club, we couldn’t understand it.”

The Citizen pointed out that the club, which opened a week late in July 2008, had no atmosphere, a sticky dance floor, shit music, piss-covered stairs, a rubbish smoking area, and a bizarre policy of closing at 12.30pm if attendance was low – just before all the other pubs kick out – but Teeth-Moss refused to budge, saying “we had a good VIP area”.

Local drinkers, who have long bemoaned the loss of former venue Shots & The Warehouse, with their much-missed central courtyard, were shocked. “Fark me,” said Nene Road resident Jason Ranham, 22. “Eleven months? I’m surprised the shit-tip stayed open that long!”

“Has it really been almost a year already?’ wondered Stacey Casey, 18, from Lindisfarne Close. “I only went twice and it was so awful I instantly forgot about it.”

Another recent casualty of the recession was rubbish dance pub Mix Bar, which has swiftly recovered under new management by turning back into it’s former self The Wrestlers. The Citizen caught up with Mix Bar’s previous landlord, Dave Breville-Toaster, at Huntingdon Job Centre. “Well it was the recession wasn’t it,” he said. “Nothing to do with the fact that I turfed out hundreds of regulars because I don’t like greebos.”

The latest pub to ignore the mantra “if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it” is the Pig ‘n’ Falcon, formerly the Falcon, opposite the Wrestlers, formerly Mix Bar formerly Wrestlers, in New Street, formerly Old Street, in St Neots, formerly Eynesbury, Cambridgeshire formerly Huntingdonshire… Watch out for our report on this new Real Ale pub coming as soon as one of our reporters fancies a pint.

Initial findings have shown the town’s inhabitants to be “quite sick”. Most people were unaware of the checks being carried out on them, and therefore the findings were deemed to be true and accurate.

• 25% were found to be “fair to middling”
• 25% were suffering complete and absolute apathy
• 45% were suffering from aggressive “I went to London once so fuck off” syndrome
• 4% were unsure – and should be in solitary confinement
• 1% thought to be aliens.

Along with suggesttions on how to improve the future health of the town’s residents, the report mentions ways in which the town has already begun improvements. In particular, an unnamed councillor said that “The many and varied gift-card shops in the town centre could only help combat this general depression”. Indeed, the council has designed a range of cards targetting the sector of the population suffering from “Fuck Off Syndrome”, to save on difficult conversation. These include:

• “Do you want some?” (Tick list)
• “You and me, outside” with date & time confirmation slip and return envelope
• “What the ___ are you looking at, you ___” (left blank for your own comments).

The design of these cards is hoped to bring about a calmer, less shouty town centre, thus attracting more visitors to the town. However, this could all be to no avail. Traffic calming and the relocation of the recycling centre could cause such traffic congestion that it drives otherwise sober citizens to drink – or even Huntingdon.
Story by JW

Local papers were quick to pun the fact that building worx had over-run. General manager Leanne Hack said, “Well yeah obviously we are disappointed. Mainly cos we’re gonna charge people a fiver to get in, so we’re losing valuable money all the time we’re closed.”

The club, run by Teeth-Moss Entertainment, who also own the Warehouse – or whatever it’s called this week – will now open this Friday.

Local binge-drinkers were feeling let down as the club announced the delay on Facebook, but no-one was surprised. “Teeth-Moss have been saying in all the local papers that it’ll DEFINITELY, without doubt, be ready to open on the 11^th,” said Polly Kerman of Berkley Street, “so it was fairly obvious they wouldn’t be.”

 

“It’s a shame,” added Chris Durbur, of Queens Gardens, “as I was lookin forward to gettin in a scrap an shovin someone thru them big windows.”

Venue The Warehouse across the road will be turned into an American diner-style bar and grill when Worx finally opens. The new venue will be, according to one local rag, “St Neots’ only nightclub,” despite Teeth-Moss’ constant claims that it’s “not a club, it’s a night venue.”

Apparently this means that you can buy coffee and cake at one in the morning, but the Citizen is not sure whether a piece of cake will sit well with fifteen bottles of blue WKD and three Jaeger-Bulls, especially since the club will charge an entry fee, which is sure to mean that a maximum of three people are inside at any one time.

The Citizen will of course be attending the opening, and thinking up puns revolving around the name Worx, so that we can feel like all the other local rags.