St Neots will be split into two sections – the “West Side”, containing the Eatons, and the “East Side”, comprising St Neots and Eynesbury. Each local party will be invited to form a separate council for each side of the town.

Who gets which side will be decided with a best-of-three game of rock, paper, scissors between Larry Tapman (Con) and Steve van der Whitevanman (LibDem). It is not known whether the councillors will use actual rocks.

“I think it’s a fucking great idea,” commented St Neots Road resident Ellie Harworth, 52. “For ages now, all we’ve seen is councillors sniping at each other over who wants to shut the bogs, who made a little petition first, and so on. Pathetic.”

Harland Road man Matt Hampton, 44, added “People seem to have forgotten that this is one town. There’s been loads in the local papers recently along the lines of ‘Why should Eynesbury tax payers fund a community centre in Eaton Socon?’ and this will give everyone a chance to only pay for what they use, without having to cross any bridges.”

It is thought that the West Side will come off better, as despite having a lower tax base the East Side will still have to fund all the town centre amenities such as public toilets, the Market Square, and half of the Riverside Park which is being declared a no-man’s – or every-man’s – land. Councillor Tapman said “This is a fucking awful plan; the Lib Dems thought of it,” whilst van der Whitevanman commented “This was all orchestrated by them Tory wankers.”

Council leader Julia Wayward, who may end up leading either council, told the Citizen “I’m glad this has happened. Those boys are driving me crazy.”

Since this story was published in the Citizen six years ago, the chain has been dogged by claims of alien involvement.

“This has simply got to stop,” said spokesman Ian Morrison. “Yes, I am well aware that since the story was published we have opened another store in Eaton Socon as well as taking over One Stop in Eynesbury and Eaton Ford. But these are merely business expansion and are certainly not ‘spawns’.”

“Off the record,” he continued, “if you’re looking for E.T. selling goods in St Neots it wouldn’t hurt to look at Waitrose…”

Eynesbury resident Bob Smethy, 39, claimed to have been abducted by the store in 2002. Since then he has resided at Priory Grange where he is being treated for a number of mental health conditions.

“Is right though,” said Smethy. “They took me aboard and no-one believed me, well, look at me now! They implanted a small piece of plastic on me to track my every move!”

We did point out that Mr Smethy could merely discard what was obviously his Clubcard, but he seemed not to agree.

Local council leader Derek Miles said that the town council would investigate these claims, but that it was “unlikely that any local supermarket is extra-terrestrial.”

The case continues.

One of St Neots’ oldest and proudest traditions is the building, and importing, of empty shops into the High Street and Market Square. Typically these shops fulfill their purpose after around 18 months and become an opticians, charity shop or card retailer.

However, recently less and less empty shops have been required in town. “We’re not really sure what’s caused this,” said local business landlords CH Charford. “There’s always been a good market for empty units in the town but I suppose it’s something to do with the credit crunch.”

“Indeed,” commented economics expert Martin Lanes, of Longsands College. “It’s mostly down to the huge second-hand market opening up. When there’s units like the old Choices store and the Eynesbury Dry Cleaners shop available, no-one’s going to pay top dollar for a brand-new empty shop. The market is getting, if not saturated, certainly very damp.”

Developers Slovis announced that they were already dealing with the problem by building empty houses instead. Spokesman Larry Tate said, “Since the Cornwallis Drive fiasco of the early 90′s, when they built half an estate then went bust leaving it untouched for twleve years, there has beena  shortage of long-term empty properties in St Neots.” Slovis are combatting this by half-finishing the Loves Farm development, to the east of the railway line. “I am sure the people who have already moved in will be delighted to be surrounded by shells of houses for about the next decade,” said Tate, “before we finish them on the cheap and sell them for a ridiculous amount of money.”

Local taxpayers were sceptical though. One correspondant, who asked to be identified as only “Name and Address Supplied”, told the Citizen they were fuming. “These empty houses will only bring trouble. They’re not inside the town’s boundaries so all that empty-propert council tax will go elsewhere. They need to build at least another three roundabouts and five sets of traffic lights before I’ll be happy, as other developers have done in the past.”

The Citizen will, of course, keep you up to date with developments in the “Far East” section of town.

Leading UK architect Ben Shuttleworth said, “We’ve been very blinkered with the design of our commercial and residential property in Great Britain. It wasn’t until a resident of Eynesbury’s Humberley Close wrote to tell us about how their road was simply the best place to live for so many different reasons, that we had to visit.”

A delegation of top City experts was swiftly despatched northwards.

“The result was a no-brainer,” said Shuttleworth. “The stylish way that the properties of the Broadwalk back on to Hardwick Road, enhanced with cars on bricks, England flags, demolished caravans and disused car parks shouted Sixties chic. The low-rise tower blocks of Hall Road, with their simple straight-line design… such unique aesthetic aspirations are hard to find.”

He went on to say, “It’s thanks to such a talented team as the local authority designing such amazing residential properties, followed by world class deisigners such as Ivor Twigden, that this country has such architectural merits – and Eynesbury is honoured to be the hub of such greatness.”

With tourists starting to come thick and fast to see the latest amazing style, house prices have already rocketed, with the average property price in Ferrars Avenue being valued at nearly one Rowley Million, and the residences of Burnt Close receiving offers over £1.4m. It is also rumoured that many celebrities have already secured deposits and that Eynesbury could, as a reult, become the UK’s new footballer and trash-mag-royalty destination, usurping Primrose Hill as “the place to live”.

The announcement was not without it’s downside however. Eaton Socon’s Queens Gardens and Monarch Road areas were mostly developed around the same time as “New” Eynesbury, but have been largely overlooked by Shuttleworth and his associates. “I don’t see what the Eastside’s got that we haven’t,” said Daisy Fields of Crown Walk. “I’ve lived here since I moved up from Bethnal Green in ’72 and it’s clearly nicer than Eynesbury.”

The Citizen reserves judgement.

Story by Sarcamistic

Eaton Socon man Darren Feave, 28, designed SatChav to assist local criminals in escaping when in unfamiliar areas.

“Ya know what it’s like, like,” said Feave. “You’re runnin dahn the road wiv a telly an’ you take a wrong turn through some alleyway or other. Then you find yourself runnin into the arms of the rozzers.”

The Queens Gardens/Monarch Road area of Eaton Ford and the Duck lane area of Eynesbury are well known for their comprehensive, and often confusing, network of alleyways, shortcuts and greens – where the houses face a pedestrianised zone rather than a road. Often there is little or no indication which street a house belongs to.

“I’m awright rahnd Eaton Socon, like, cos I’m Westside born an’ bred,” said Feave. “But a while ago I robbed a satnav out of a car parked in Mallard Road an’ got a bit lost.” Feave spent over three hours running aimlessly around Naseby Gardens and Whitehall Walk, before being arrested.

“I got gripped cos I thought I’d use the satnav to get aht of Eynesbury, like,” said Darren. “But it were shit. It just kept tellin me to make a legal u-turn.” Whilst serving six months for burglary, Feave came up with the idea for SatChav.

“It’s brilliant,” his colleague Wayne Waynes told us. “It has all the alleyways and garden fences and stuff on and uses Google Earth to track the Old Bill. It’ll tell ya if yer better off jumpin’ over the garden wall or hidin in a wheelie bin for a bit. Chavs and hoodies alike will love it.”

Dragons Peter Jones and Duncan Bannatyne were impressed with Feave’s initiative, but said they could obviously not endorse a product which aides and abbetts housebreaking. Theo Paphitis stated that, this aside, it was clearly a terrible idea as the main use for SatChav “would be to nick other people’s SatChav units”, meaning that sales would be low as people would just steal one, use it to track the rest down and sell them on the market, “probably for a tenner.”

Feave was said to be disappointed, but vowed not to give up even if he had to “rob another post office for funds”.

The St Neots store was recently refurbished, and was advertised as being the first in the country to get the new “green glass” look. But residents of the Parklands estate, oppostie the store, became worried that the store was not of this world.

“Well,” said Paul Capel, of Caernarvon Way, “ever since the store re-opened after it were done up, there’s been this green light shining over Eynesbury. It’s really wierd. i thought nothing of it at first but now I have heard that Bob [Smethy] from two doors down were absucted by ‘em.”

Mr Smethy, 33, claimes he was beamed aboard the store late one Friday evening when walking home from the Cambridgeshire Hunter. “I were suddenly in this big white room,” he said. “These funny little beings, some red, some blue, were talkin’ to me in a strange voice, and I couldn’t make out a word of it. There were all these beeping noises going on as well. I were packin’ me pants, I can tell ya.”

Friends of Mr Smethy, who had been drinking with him that night in the Berkley Street pub, said he was “not pissed enough to imagine something like that.”

“I were tempted,” continued Smethy, “to put it down to bein’ a bit less than sober, like. But me mates said, ‘nah Bob, y’only had about nine pints’ so I thought it probably weren’t that. Still, I weren’t too worried – it were a one-off thing and, as far as I can tell, I didn’t get probed in any way, anal or otherwise.
Then I realised – Eynesbury manor! Them poor people shellin’ out hundreds of thousands to live within the radioactive field of this spacecraft. Somebody think of the children!”

No-one from the Cheshunt, Herts, based retailer was available for interview, but their press office issued the following statement:

“As far as we are concerned, Tesco St Neots is not, and has never been, an extra-terrestrial mothership of any kind. We believe Mr Smethy’s experience was down to being intoxicated. The red and blue ‘beings’ were in fact night-shift workers in their new uniforms, and the beeping noises were of course the 24-hour checkouts.
The green glow is caused by fluorescent lighting shining through the green glass. We are working on a way to reduce this.”

Despite Tesco’s reassurances, no houses were sold on Eynesbury manor this weekend – however this may be due to flooding. mr Smethy was taken to Hinchingbrooke Hospital to be “monitored”. No black helicopters were reported in the area.