It appears that the unaccounted-for money, to the tune of a Rowley Million, has been put forward by a consortium made up of Bedfordshire Police and Cambridgeshire Constabulary.

Chief Inspector Kim Stonely-Bolton, from Cambs Police, released the following statement after presenting him with our findings.

“Cambs Police had help to co-fund this bridge with our colleagues over the border to help in our current campaign, ‘Operation Collar a Chav called Kevin’, or ‘CACK’. The St Neotian chav is not the brightest of the chav species inhabiting this island, and will always take the shortest, most direct route home after a bit of thieving, vandalism or fighting – not bothering to circuitously avoid the Rozzers at all.

“Regular trips into Little Barford to burn out a car prompted Beds Police to help in the bridge’s funding. Once on this highway we can easily pick them up at the other end.”

Mrs Moore from from Huddersfield, holidaying in the Eynesbury Camp Site, is not so convinced. “They will just run down the side of this lovely little camp site, ruining a good swinging session or an early night. The last thing we want is that blasted helicopter hanging over us”

Ex-councilor Julia Wayward thought the idea was “Excellent,” but added “Please don’t call me again. I only left the council so the Citizen would leave me alone.”

With the darker nights soon to be coming, it is expected the bridge will become busier by the day – once Darren and his mates have smashed all the lights, of course.

Recently I was forced to move to this wonderful town by my mother. At first I was apprehensive, but soon found my feet with my own kind, and set about hanging around on street corners in Eynesbury.

Imagine my horror when I wished to travel to the Westside of town, for the shoplifting opportunities offered by Tesco Express and One Stop, and found that the Chav Superhighway I had been told so much of before arriving here was still not fully finished! And there was I, hoping for fun and frolicks with the nearest be-tracksuited youth, under the light of the CCTV!

I fail, sir, to comprehend how a bridge that was installed three months ago, is still not accessible to those of us seeking alternative petty-crime perpetration spots. I trust your fine publication will investigate the matter post-haste!

Yours,

Chardonnay-Leigh, 14, Duck Lane

The infamous Leyland Cyprus hedge was planted behind Eynesbury Rovers’ football ground after neighbours complained that the club’s floodlights made it impossible to do anything at all in their houses, acting as a midnight sun.

Resident Jean Tate, 69, said that by 4pm the sun has disappeared, and “all you can see is hedge.”

Mrs Tate continued that “Eynesbury Rovers are doing shit-all to address our concerns. I’m fed up of living in semi-darkness the whole year round. They’d better act soon or I’ll just burn the fuckers down.”

Derek Steels, who has worked at volunteer-run Rovers since dinosaurs roamed the Earth, replied: “We’ve offered to chop a few feet off the top, but we’re not actually going to do it ‘cos we’re skint. Still the neighbours won’t stop complaining.

“Really, you can’t please some people. First it was too bright, because of the lights; now it’s too dark because of the hedges we’ve put up to block out the lights.”

It is thought that the club are looking into buying a large mirror to reflect some extra sunlight into back gardens in the road. “In the meantime,” said Steels, “they’ll just have to spend more time on the other side of the house.”

I have a dilemma. I have been offered my Dream Job. But the location is bound to cause a problem with my family and friends.

I got temporary work in a factory in Cromwell Road, It went really well, ending up being full time . The agency put me forward for a another job, I went to the interview and got it. I will be a supervisor at Lola Cars. This is my dream to be a supervisor. All my family are St Neots born and bred, live on the same street in the Eastside of town. If they can’t get work in St Neots they won’t work and proud of it. My friends always go to Huntingdon for a fight with the other lot.

This will tear them apart. Me working in Huntingdon. I fear my parents and friends will never speak to me again, always thinking I am better then them for not wanting to work in St Neots.

Please, what should I do?

Torn, Peter.

Dear Peter,

You may feel you are in a difficult situation.

But frankly you’re not. Its your Dream Job, go for it. If they don’t like it, fuck what they think. Do your best and achieve all that you can. Then when they’re still not talking to you rub their dirty little noses in it, buy a new house on Hinchingbrook Park or Loves Farm or even closer to home – Eynesbury Manor. Vote Tory, look at them like they are something on the bottom of your shoe and change your name to Tarquin.

The rubbish bit of grass and hardcore-covered pathway, which includes a playground otherwise known as Friday nights’ second-best chav socialisation location, last week sprouted the name Wren Walk.

“I don’t know why they think this countryside-style alleyway needs a name,” said David Redrow, 40, whose house in ridiculously overcrowded Bevington Way overlooks the area. “I realise they’re building another estate – sorry, development – on the other side of this scrubby bit of turf, but are they actually going to build on it? They love to cram houses in these days but that’d really take the piss.”

Eynesbury councillor Paul Marcel explained that it was his impression that all walkways and alleys in the town were due to gain names, even though many of them are just hideaways for teen drinkers and the odd smackhead. This will be especially useful for the network of muddy tracks connecting to the Chav Superhighway.”

Indeed, the pricey bridge connecting Ernulf to Shakespeare Road is coming on a pace. “It still doesn’t have a name,” said councillor Marcel, “but I’m sure we’ll think of something completely inappropriate before it’s finished. The team which is coming up with roadnames for Love’s Farm, which likes to use the word ‘hill’ a lot to describe a minor slope, has been consulted and are working on it.”

Local court-botherer and Citizen reporter Benny T. Bean was delighted. “I’ve been planning to move into a tent for tax purposes,” he explained, “and now I’ll be able to actually have an address, by pitching on Wren Walk. Very excited.”

However, Flawn Way resident Jacob Paris said, “I don’t want to look out my window and see a fucking hippy encampment. It’s bad enough looking over the Chav Superhighway site and seeing the next generation of council-estate nippers being conceived.”

On plans for the new store, Tesco spokesman Phil Fawcett said, “The car park is a bit to organised, no award winner believe me!” He continued, “however, we shall need to expand both out and up to make this our new main store for St Neots and you never know – another award winning car park.”

When asked about their current Barford Road store and why a new larger location was needed, Fawcett commented that “the recent crime maps have forced our hand. Why would anyone want to visit the Eastside store except those living in Eynesbury? We are re-branding the store with three thick blue stripes, removing it’s extra status and all things worth any value. The space vacated will be filled with Value products and cheap alcohol.”

The company will then sell lots of nice branded products in the new Westside store, for all the lovely residents of the Eatons with out the stuff getting lifted by “Eynesbury’s dirty little paws”.

Wayne Chervis, 17, from Duck Lane commented, “Wot, removing all the leccy bits, how am I to support the loss of my EMA now?”

Eynesbury Manor resident Bertrice Malpracteece was not too shocked. “Well it had to come, I shall enjoy mixing with those Eaton types while shopping.”

Local town and district Eynesbury councillor Steve van der Whitevanman was outraged. “Another blow to the residents of Eynesbury. This can not carry on, I shall go to the district planners  and protest at once!”

Councillor van der Whitevanman may be too late. Another secret HDC meeting may have already approved the plans.  Head of Planning Mr Puti Tupanrun had nothing to say on the matter, instead roaring off in a new Range Rover sport.

Residents of the Shakespeare Road area were said to be worried about the high through traffic the bridge, which terminates in the street, will bring. “At the moment,” said resident Roy Argus, 44, “if you wish to travel from the East to the West side, you must go via the wier. All the paths are under water at the moment, and as we know, grotty Eastside chavs are allergic to water.”

Indeed, with the pathways from the Pocket Park to the River Mill flooded at various times through the year, underage drinkers from the town’s oldest quarter must pass through the town centre to reach the more salubrious Eatons, where they are usually distracted by the delights of Carey’s Amusements and the new chicken shop on the High Street.

The new bridge, however, which is being funded through a mixture of tax revenue and a Lottery grant, will allow direct access all year from Barford Road, without having to leave a paved surface once. “It’s gonna be wicked,” slurred gurning Broadwalk teen Sonia Sonie, 15. “I don’t ever wanna walk through the back fields innit cos I get me kicks all muddy an ting. The bridge will let me get to Eaton Socon proper quick and then I can get on that mighty X5 to escape to Bedford – after setting fire to the bus stop.”

The Burerry-and-Kappa brigade are, however, not the only group who will benefit from the new bridge. “Sometimes,” said Drake Road woman Lydia Gains, 33, “I’m in Tesco Express and think, hey, I wish I could cycle over to big Tesco and come back looking all smug with twelve or so bags on my handlebars. Now I’ll be able to do this and pretend I don’t have a car. This will allow me to feel well superior to all those poor fools trekking round the bypass in their tin sweatboxes.”

Connections to Bedford for Eastside residents will also be much improved, as catching the bus from the Green will shave valuable minutes off the journey. However, local councillor Paul Marcel was not impressed. “Without loads of people walking from Eynesbury into the town centre to get the X5,” he whinged, “there will be a sharp drop in through traffic and every single shop will close down. Especially Greggs, and if I can’t have a chicken bake every day I just might cry.”

St Neots will be split into two sections – the “West Side”, containing the Eatons, and the “East Side”, comprising St Neots and Eynesbury. Each local party will be invited to form a separate council for each side of the town.

Who gets which side will be decided with a best-of-three game of rock, paper, scissors between Larry Tapman (Con) and Steve van der Whitevanman (LibDem). It is not known whether the councillors will use actual rocks.

“I think it’s a fucking great idea,” commented St Neots Road resident Ellie Harworth, 52. “For ages now, all we’ve seen is councillors sniping at each other over who wants to shut the bogs, who made a little petition first, and so on. Pathetic.”

Harland Road man Matt Hampton, 44, added “People seem to have forgotten that this is one town. There’s been loads in the local papers recently along the lines of ‘Why should Eynesbury tax payers fund a community centre in Eaton Socon?’ and this will give everyone a chance to only pay for what they use, without having to cross any bridges.”

It is thought that the West Side will come off better, as despite having a lower tax base the East Side will still have to fund all the town centre amenities such as public toilets, the Market Square, and half of the Riverside Park which is being declared a no-man’s – or every-man’s – land. Councillor Tapman said “This is a fucking awful plan; the Lib Dems thought of it,” whilst van der Whitevanman commented “This was all orchestrated by them Tory wankers.”

Council leader Julia Wayward, who may end up leading either council, told the Citizen “I’m glad this has happened. Those boys are driving me crazy.”

Since this story was published in the Citizen six years ago, the chain has been dogged by claims of alien involvement.

“This has simply got to stop,” said spokesman Ian Morrison. “Yes, I am well aware that since the story was published we have opened another store in Eaton Socon as well as taking over One Stop in Eynesbury and Eaton Ford. But these are merely business expansion and are certainly not ‘spawns’.”

“Off the record,” he continued, “if you’re looking for E.T. selling goods in St Neots it wouldn’t hurt to look at Waitrose…”

Eynesbury resident Bob Smethy, 39, claimed to have been abducted by the store in 2002. Since then he has resided at Priory Grange where he is being treated for a number of mental health conditions.

“Is right though,” said Smethy. “They took me aboard and no-one believed me, well, look at me now! They implanted a small piece of plastic on me to track my every move!”

We did point out that Mr Smethy could merely discard what was obviously his Clubcard, but he seemed not to agree.

Local council leader Derek Miles said that the town council would investigate these claims, but that it was “unlikely that any local supermarket is extra-terrestrial.”

The case continues.

One of St Neots’ oldest and proudest traditions is the building, and importing, of empty shops into the High Street and Market Square. Typically these shops fulfill their purpose after around 18 months and become an opticians, charity shop or card retailer.

However, recently less and less empty shops have been required in town. “We’re not really sure what’s caused this,” said local business landlords CH Charford. “There’s always been a good market for empty units in the town but I suppose it’s something to do with the credit crunch.”

“Indeed,” commented economics expert Martin Lanes, of Longsands College. “It’s mostly down to the huge second-hand market opening up. When there’s units like the old Choices store and the Eynesbury Dry Cleaners shop available, no-one’s going to pay top dollar for a brand-new empty shop. The market is getting, if not saturated, certainly very damp.”

Developers Slovis announced that they were already dealing with the problem by building empty houses instead. Spokesman Larry Tate said, “Since the Cornwallis Drive fiasco of the early 90′s, when they built half an estate then went bust leaving it untouched for twleve years, there has beena  shortage of long-term empty properties in St Neots.” Slovis are combatting this by half-finishing the Loves Farm development, to the east of the railway line. “I am sure the people who have already moved in will be delighted to be surrounded by shells of houses for about the next decade,” said Tate, “before we finish them on the cheap and sell them for a ridiculous amount of money.”

Local taxpayers were sceptical though. One correspondant, who asked to be identified as only “Name and Address Supplied”, told the Citizen they were fuming. “These empty houses will only bring trouble. They’re not inside the town’s boundaries so all that empty-propert council tax will go elsewhere. They need to build at least another three roundabouts and five sets of traffic lights before I’ll be happy, as other developers have done in the past.”

The Citizen will, of course, keep you up to date with developments in the “Far East” section of town.