It appears that the unaccounted-for money, to the tune of a Rowley Million, has been put forward by a consortium made up of Bedfordshire Police and Cambridgeshire Constabulary.

Chief Inspector Kim Stonely-Bolton, from Cambs Police, released the following statement after presenting him with our findings.

“Cambs Police had help to co-fund this bridge with our colleagues over the border to help in our current campaign, ‘Operation Collar a Chav called Kevin’, or ‘CACK’. The St Neotian chav is not the brightest of the chav species inhabiting this island, and will always take the shortest, most direct route home after a bit of thieving, vandalism or fighting – not bothering to circuitously avoid the Rozzers at all.

“Regular trips into Little Barford to burn out a car prompted Beds Police to help in the bridge’s funding. Once on this highway we can easily pick them up at the other end.”

Mrs Moore from from Huddersfield, holidaying in the Eynesbury Camp Site, is not so convinced. “They will just run down the side of this lovely little camp site, ruining a good swinging session or an early night. The last thing we want is that blasted helicopter hanging over us”

Ex-councilor Julia Wayward thought the idea was “Excellent,” but added “Please don’t call me again. I only left the council so the Citizen would leave me alone.”

With the darker nights soon to be coming, it is expected the bridge will become busier by the day – once Darren and his mates have smashed all the lights, of course.

The rubbish bit of grass and hardcore-covered pathway, which includes a playground otherwise known as Friday nights’ second-best chav socialisation location, last week sprouted the name Wren Walk.

“I don’t know why they think this countryside-style alleyway needs a name,” said David Redrow, 40, whose house in ridiculously overcrowded Bevington Way overlooks the area. “I realise they’re building another estate – sorry, development – on the other side of this scrubby bit of turf, but are they actually going to build on it? They love to cram houses in these days but that’d really take the piss.”

Eynesbury councillor Paul Marcel explained that it was his impression that all walkways and alleys in the town were due to gain names, even though many of them are just hideaways for teen drinkers and the odd smackhead. This will be especially useful for the network of muddy tracks connecting to the Chav Superhighway.”

Indeed, the pricey bridge connecting Ernulf to Shakespeare Road is coming on a pace. “It still doesn’t have a name,” said councillor Marcel, “but I’m sure we’ll think of something completely inappropriate before it’s finished. The team which is coming up with roadnames for Love’s Farm, which likes to use the word ‘hill’ a lot to describe a minor slope, has been consulted and are working on it.”

Local court-botherer and Citizen reporter Benny T. Bean was delighted. “I’ve been planning to move into a tent for tax purposes,” he explained, “and now I’ll be able to actually have an address, by pitching on Wren Walk. Very excited.”

However, Flawn Way resident Jacob Paris said, “I don’t want to look out my window and see a fucking hippy encampment. It’s bad enough looking over the Chav Superhighway site and seeing the next generation of council-estate nippers being conceived.”

Councillor Oliver Barford, who represents Eaton Socon, said “I’m fucking sick of hearing about Julia Wayward, Paul Marcel, Terrence Dougall and Steve van der Whitevanman. It’s time I spoke up I think.”

Other relatively quiet councillors agreed. “I do my fair share of writing into the Town Crier complaining about council members from other parties,” said Priory Park councillor King Cooper, “but still I’m never mentioned. It’s just not on.”

Never a publication to shy away from criticism, St Neots Citizen Editor Tim C issued the following statement:

“We aim to give all councillors equal coverage in the Citizen. However, most of them never do anything newsworthy. We haven’t even heard from Larry Hackman since he won our prestigious award for moaning, complaining and cock-waving last year.”

“However I will endeavour to rectify the situation. Look out for a ‘meet the councillors’ feature very soon!”

Rozzers caused consternation in Cambridge when their new barely-working concept, which lists crime and anti-social behaviour street by street, named the city’s Peas Hill as one of the most crime-ridden streets in the whole country.

But closer to home, the town centre and Eynesbury – both located on St Neots’ Eastside – far overtook their westerly neighbours with well over 100 reported crimes in 2010, compared to around sixty in the Eatons.

“This is exactly the kind of image Eynesbury doesn’t need,” ranted Eynesbury councillor Steve van der Whitevanman. “How am I supposed to convince people that the Eastside is a wonderful place to live when this sort of thing is freely available on the internet?”

A closer look at the figures reveals that Eynesbury tops the charts for reports of anti-social behaviour, racking up more than the regular Friday-night fight club arena known as the Market Square. Inspector Kim Stonely-Bolton of Cambridgeshire police said that “this is mainly due to hoodie ASBO twats hanging around keying people’s cars and tagging their guinea pigs, although there were also higher incidences of other crimes this side of the river, such as relocating a goat without the proper permit, and youths failing to attend archery practise with the local vicar.”

Homeowners in “posh” Eynesbury Manor were shocked. “I’m heading straight to B&Q to buy a security gate for my front door and grills for my window,” said Jacqueline Fotherington of Stocker Way. “If we’re going to live in a fucking ghetto then it might as well look like one!” Indeed, the housing estate built on a floodplain and sold as prestige accommodation acts as a conduit for passing chavs as their smashed Stella bottles reach critical mass in one area and they are forced to move on. “Once this bridge opens,” said Fotherington, “it’ll be ten times worse, as we won’t even have the respite of the winter months where they don’t want to dirty their shiny white Lonsdale plimsolls.”

Businesses in the town centre were quick to refute claims that the area was more dangerous than Eaton Socon and, indeed, Beirut. “Clearly,” said Marion Barrett, of Barrett’s, “the real reason there is less reported crime in the Eatons is that by the time the ‘yoofs’ move over the river, it’s after eleven and the bizzies have gone home. Simple really.”

The payment of up to £30 a week was introduced by Labour to encourage teens from poorer backgrounds to stay on in education, despite the fact everyone had always managed without it before.

Local licensees were horrified. “Our core customer base is aged sixteen with a fake driving license,” said Amrit Singh of S&S Superstores, in Cornwallis Drive. “Without EMA, they’ll not have any money to spend on superlager and White Lightning. My profits are going to drop sharply – I may have to close.”

Out-of-town pubs were expected to fare even worse. “All the pubs in town have bouncers who actually check proof of age,” said Mick Waite, 62, retired former landlord of The Wheatsheaf in Eaton Socon. “That means all the young ‘uns drink in Eaton Socon or Eynesbury – well, ever since the Wrestlers stopped serving thirteen year olds fishbowls of ‘Squashed Frog’!”

It is estimated that payments to St Neots teens total around £60,000 a week, 80% of which is spent on alcohol and cigarettes, with the rest going on expensive trainers. “It ain’t on really,” said Longsands sixth-former Lucy Diamond, 17. “Without EMA I’ll have to resort to what teenagers did in the nineties: pinch their mum’s vodka and water down the rest of the bottle. That just seems a bit underhanded to me. And with the price of cigarettes going up on almost a weekly basis – well, I’ll be switching to rolling my own any day now, which is totally unacceptable.”

Self-thinking Eynesbury councillor Terrence Dougall backed the calls. “It’s not just offies that’ll suffer,” he ranted. “If these future alcoholics don’t have any cash, I predict total anarchy as secondary school pupils stab grans for cider. Also, sales of Alka Seltzer and ibuprofen will drop sharply as hangovers decrease, so our chemists will feel the pinch too. The Government needs to look at the bigger picture here. WKD-swilling kids are vital to the recovery of the economy.”

Education Secretary Michael Gove was unavailable for comment.

“Basically,” said Eynesbury activist Councillor Steve van der Whitevanman, “it’s a cable car across the Ouse. No point trying to dress up a brilliant idea like that!”

Miles, who has a history of ill-advised outbursts and is the only known sufferer of American Soap Syndrome, is said to have come up with the scheme to link Eynesbury with the Eatons after reading about a similar idea recently given the go ahead by London mayor Boris Johnson. “I can’t see why anyone would want to go to Greenwich,” said Miles, “but seemingly there is massive support for a cable car linking two shitholes across a river – so why not?”

Ignoring for a moment the fact that our capital city attracts hundreds of thousands of tourists a year, and that Greenwich alone has a population many times that of St Neots and is undergoing extensive redevelopment, he continued that “a cable car will be loads more interesting than a fucking bridge. People will come from miles – ha ha – around to travel on the system which will run from Shakespeare Road to Barford Road, taking approximately nine minutes. We’ll charge three quid a go, and it’ll be paid for in no time!”

People using the new transport link would have an uninterrupted view as far as the Little Barford power station and Tesco to the south, and Little Paxton sluice to the north. It is thought that within minutes of the scheme being made public a badly-punctuated Facebook group will spring up, attracting around seven members which the national press will seize upon as “unprecedented support”.

Miles was said to have arranged a meeting with Johnson on Monday to discuss the possibility of switching his cable car for St Neots’ long-awaited bridge. No-one at the Mayor of London’s office was available for comment.

Residents of the Shakespeare Road area were said to be worried about the high through traffic the bridge, which terminates in the street, will bring. “At the moment,” said resident Roy Argus, 44, “if you wish to travel from the East to the West side, you must go via the wier. All the paths are under water at the moment, and as we know, grotty Eastside chavs are allergic to water.”

Indeed, with the pathways from the Pocket Park to the River Mill flooded at various times through the year, underage drinkers from the town’s oldest quarter must pass through the town centre to reach the more salubrious Eatons, where they are usually distracted by the delights of Carey’s Amusements and the new chicken shop on the High Street.

The new bridge, however, which is being funded through a mixture of tax revenue and a Lottery grant, will allow direct access all year from Barford Road, without having to leave a paved surface once. “It’s gonna be wicked,” slurred gurning Broadwalk teen Sonia Sonie, 15. “I don’t ever wanna walk through the back fields innit cos I get me kicks all muddy an ting. The bridge will let me get to Eaton Socon proper quick and then I can get on that mighty X5 to escape to Bedford – after setting fire to the bus stop.”

The Burerry-and-Kappa brigade are, however, not the only group who will benefit from the new bridge. “Sometimes,” said Drake Road woman Lydia Gains, 33, “I’m in Tesco Express and think, hey, I wish I could cycle over to big Tesco and come back looking all smug with twelve or so bags on my handlebars. Now I’ll be able to do this and pretend I don’t have a car. This will allow me to feel well superior to all those poor fools trekking round the bypass in their tin sweatboxes.”

Connections to Bedford for Eastside residents will also be much improved, as catching the bus from the Green will shave valuable minutes off the journey. However, local councillor Paul Marcel was not impressed. “Without loads of people walking from Eynesbury into the town centre to get the X5,” he whinged, “there will be a sharp drop in through traffic and every single shop will close down. Especially Greggs, and if I can’t have a chicken bake every day I just might cry.”

Beatty Broadband, director of the St Neots Rumour Mill and Chinese Whisper Distribution Depot, today said that the company often releases rumours surrounding the future of the empty-since-completion warehouse, next to B&Q, in the hope that one of them will become true.

“Lots of things end up happening because we start a ridiculous rumour about them,” said Broadband, “such as KFC, Iceland and M&S opening in the town.” Indeed, such retailers previously seemed unlikely to open a branch in St Neots until the company got everyone discussing it.

SNRMCWDD, who are yet to make up a name which can be turned into a faintly amusing acronym, are also thought to be behind the massively pointless cinema campaign of recent years, despite denials from Broadband, who says the firm does not deal in lost causes. “We chuck that one through occasionally,” said a company insider who did not want to be named, “just for the lols really. It’ll never happen, but it’s real fun watching people get worked up about it.”

The latest rumour involves the use of the warehouse as the world’s largest greetings card retailer, of which St Neots currently suffers a deficiency. “There’s only about six card shops in the town right now,” said director of Card Universe Simon Sheen, “which is clearly not enough. Especially once we get the unbirthday recognised, which as anyone who enjoys novels written by kiddie-fiddlers will know is a successful card-giving occasion in Wonderland.”

It is thought that the company will occupy the entire warehouse, earlier moves to split it in two having been thwarted by overzealous Health & Safety officers. “Theoretically,” said HSE spokesman Don Kwon, “if you put a wall in somebody might walk into it, and that’d never do”.

English Heritage were aghast at the idea. The group says the warehouse is clearly going to be empty forever, so is working on having it listed immediately to save them the aggro in the future.

That car park was closed by councillors recently due to it’s bad state. The current sponsors St Mary’s church were up in arms.

Rev Lovegod said, “Its was a shame to lose our – I mean, the community car parking here. But the Tesco sponsorship deal was worth £9k more than ours.”

Mrs Stone of Glasshouse Close stated that she was worried about Tesco’s use of the area and that HGV’s could use it. However, all fears of that were put to rest when St Neots Mayor Grandon Thrapps stated “We shall put a no HGV sign on the car park. That’ll stop the buggers.”

Cllr Norbert Barrier has since repaired the car park ahead of the sponsorship.

The car park has been in a terrible state for years and was closed by the council on safety grounds. However, local resident and chairman of the local history group Dorothy Magnacarta commented, “We were so pleased when it was fenced off, it preserved the character of the area. Now we could lose it forever.”

The car park is rumoured to have been used secretly in the 1970’s to film an episode of Dr Who. Series expert Hartnell Pertwee-Tennant told the Citizen “It was used in 1978 when Tom Baker was smuggled into town to film ‘Crinoids and the Keys to the Tardis’, the episode where Baker loses the keys to his time-travelling police box, falsely accusing the Crinoids and during the ensuing intergalactic war finding them lodged in Louise Jameson’s thong. The sand pit in Dorset normally used to film in was already booked for Blake’s 7, so we needed an alternative location that resembled the Crinoids home planet Kuntoris. The potholes and earthy texture provided the perfect location.”

Church goers were pleased by news of the imminent repairs. They had been having to park a good 20 second walk away while it was closed. Flower arranger Edna Bunions was “overjoyed” to hear that the car park was going to reopen, as she can now park when using Tesco and catch the bus to Bedford.

The council had decided to take up a generous offer from local councillor Norbert Barrier who has offered to do it himself.

We contacted the town council about the offer. “It was a generous gesture, we understand he is a man of means, perhaps he’ll build us a fucking pool and a cinema next?” commented council leader Julia Wayward.

Conservationists were organising as excavation team to look for items of historical significance before the area is permanently ruined by tarmac. Local historian Henry Tibbet, who wished he had a Tardis, commented “This is a very old car park and we expect to find some important artefacts. It has been rumoured that Tom Baker might have dropped some jelly babies and perhaps a couple of fag-ends here.”

Billie Piper was unavailable to comment.

Image © snrednek.blogspot.com