Beatty Broadband, director of the St Neots Rumour Mill and Chinese Whisper Distribution Depot, today said that the company often releases rumours surrounding the future of the empty-since-completion warehouse, next to B&Q, in the hope that one of them will become true.

“Lots of things end up happening because we start a ridiculous rumour about them,” said Broadband, “such as KFC, Iceland and M&S opening in the town.” Indeed, such retailers previously seemed unlikely to open a branch in St Neots until the company got everyone discussing it.

SNRMCWDD, who are yet to make up a name which can be turned into a faintly amusing acronym, are also thought to be behind the massively pointless cinema campaign of recent years, despite denials from Broadband, who says the firm does not deal in lost causes. “We chuck that one through occasionally,” said a company insider who did not want to be named, “just for the lols really. It’ll never happen, but it’s real fun watching people get worked up about it.”

The latest rumour involves the use of the warehouse as the world’s largest greetings card retailer, of which St Neots currently suffers a deficiency. “There’s only about six card shops in the town right now,” said director of Card Universe Simon Sheen, “which is clearly not enough. Especially once we get the unbirthday recognised, which as anyone who enjoys novels written by kiddie-fiddlers will know is a successful card-giving occasion in Wonderland.”

It is thought that the company will occupy the entire warehouse, earlier moves to split it in two having been thwarted by overzealous Health & Safety officers. “Theoretically,” said HSE spokesman Don Kwon, “if you put a wall in somebody might walk into it, and that’d never do”.

English Heritage were aghast at the idea. The group says the warehouse is clearly going to be empty forever, so is working on having it listed immediately to save them the aggro in the future.

That car park was closed by councillors recently due to it’s bad state. The current sponsors St Mary’s church were up in arms.

Rev Lovegod said, “Its was a shame to lose our – I mean, the community car parking here. But the Tesco sponsorship deal was worth £9k more than ours.”

Mrs Stone of Glasshouse Close stated that she was worried about Tesco’s use of the area and that HGV’s could use it. However, all fears of that were put to rest when St Neots Mayor Grandon Thrapps stated “We shall put a no HGV sign on the car park. That’ll stop the buggers.”

Cllr Norbert Barrier has since repaired the car park ahead of the sponsorship.

The car park has been in a terrible state for years and was closed by the council on safety grounds. However, local resident and chairman of the local history group Dorothy Magnacarta commented, “We were so pleased when it was fenced off, it preserved the character of the area. Now we could lose it forever.”

The car park is rumoured to have been used secretly in the 1970’s to film an episode of Dr Who. Series expert Hartnell Pertwee-Tennant told the Citizen “It was used in 1978 when Tom Baker was smuggled into town to film ‘Crinoids and the Keys to the Tardis’, the episode where Baker loses the keys to his time-travelling police box, falsely accusing the Crinoids and during the ensuing intergalactic war finding them lodged in Louise Jameson’s thong. The sand pit in Dorset normally used to film in was already booked for Blake’s 7, so we needed an alternative location that resembled the Crinoids home planet Kuntoris. The potholes and earthy texture provided the perfect location.”

Church goers were pleased by news of the imminent repairs. They had been having to park a good 20 second walk away while it was closed. Flower arranger Edna Bunions was “overjoyed” to hear that the car park was going to reopen, as she can now park when using Tesco and catch the bus to Bedford.

The council had decided to take up a generous offer from local councillor Norbert Barrier who has offered to do it himself.

We contacted the town council about the offer. “It was a generous gesture, we understand he is a man of means, perhaps he’ll build us a fucking pool and a cinema next?” commented council leader Julia Wayward.

Conservationists were organising as excavation team to look for items of historical significance before the area is permanently ruined by tarmac. Local historian Henry Tibbet, who wished he had a Tardis, commented “This is a very old car park and we expect to find some important artefacts. It has been rumoured that Tom Baker might have dropped some jelly babies and perhaps a couple of fag-ends here.”

Billie Piper was unavailable to comment.

Image © snrednek.blogspot.com

The firm supplies and installs speed humps, barriers and bollards, mini roundabouts and all other types of traffic calming, as well as traffic lights and cycle lanes.

But the economic downturn has hit Dog’s Bollards hard, and they are in desperate need of some new clients. “We’ve made a mint off St Neots in the past,” said managing director Vladimir Jones, “and the cash brought in by schemes such as Berkley Street – where we followed the council’s plans despite knowing that they would cause residential flooding and therefore requiring an expensive reworking – has always seen us through the quiet periods.”

With the credit crunch starting to be “a real ball-twister”, though, Jones said his company was having to fight for new orders. “After all our quality work in your town over the years, including the High Street speed bumps, the Eatons traffic-calmed area and the Eynesbury Manor ‘nipple’ roundabouts – not to mention the Crosshall Road pelican crossing – we thought we could count on the contract for Nelson Road in 2009.” But the Council revealed only today that it plans to postpone consultation on the scheme until things pick up financially.

“We’re hearing a similar story all over the country,” said economics spokesman and Dragon’s Den presenter Evan Davis. “Councils are putting off work on ‘added-value’ projects such as traffic calming residential streets with no history of fatalities or near-misses, and concentrating their efforts on areas with an actual problem.”

He added, “Only last week Woolworths announced it was to close after nearly a hundred years on our High Streets. Some say this is due to people shopping online as they are concerned about getting mown down by any vehicles not forced to stay below 9mph. Personally I think that’s a load of shit, but don’t quote me.”

Meanwhile, Dog’s Bollards denied that Collingwood Road resident Gordon Bennett was a “plant” designed to stir up public feeling towards a traffic calming scheme. “Clearly,” said Vlad Jones, “If we were going to plant someone in St Neots we’d use someone who is actually intelligent.” No-one from the Council was available to comment.

Read More Traffic Calming Related Articles

The announcement comes after traffic surveys along the road have revealed that many people use the road and most drive at or below the speed limit.

Councillor Miles explained: “Whilst some may see investigating costs of traffic calming methods as expensive it was believed to be cheaper to announce it than continue responding to campaigners directly, particularly with increasing postage costs.”

According to unofficial sources within the council, it’s believed that many methods traffic calming are being considered.  As well as the traditional speed humps, bollards, and mini-roundabouts the Citizen has heard reports of more radical ideas.  It’s rumoured that one option being considered is to advertise Nelson Road to railway commuters, and provide a free shuttle bus service to the station via the bypass.  It is hoped that this method would force traffic to slow down as cars narrow the road by parking along both sides, and at the same time ease parking problems closer to the station.

An official council spokesman said: “At the moment we’re looking into the concerns of local residents, and we wish to investigate it properly.  It may take several months, hopefully by which point we’ll be out of the current recession and have a sufficient budget to spend on the traffic calming.”

Jeremy Clarkson was not available for comment.

Thousands of users got very upset when the site made using the new layout compulsory, when previously they could switch back to their preferred “old” layout.

The situation took a sinister turn in October when members began blaming the new Facebook, or TNFB, on all of life’s woes. Among the issues for which TNFB has been cited are the credit crunch; the technical error in the Large Hadron Collider which prevented us from knowing the answer to life, the universe and everything; annexing the Sudetendland; shooting Bambi’s mum and various rapes, murders and sex crimes.

Now, Westside residents have pointed the finger firmly at TNFB for the destruction of the historic Bell. Conveniently forgetting that the pub has been shut for some time, Great North Road resident Hayley Berry, 31, said “Where exactly am i supposed to drink now? i suppose it will have to be Brewsters with all them snot-nosed brats running around.”

Berry went on, “Clearly the new Facebook is to blame for the vanishing into a black hole of this once great watering hole.”

At the mention of black holes, the Citizen of course contacted CERN, whose Big Bang machine is reputed to be in a cave underneath St Neots. Spokesman Guillaume la Trec said that the Expert Scientists had looked into the problem and the LHC was certainly not to blame. “It is true a black ‘ole appeared and swallowed up zis public ‘ouse,” said la Trec, “but it was in fact just a large puddle of Guinness which ‘ad been disposed of over ze years in ze Bell.”

One internet commenter said, “First!”. Another said, “I don’t think TNFB knocked the pub down, but it is definitely planning to sell us greasy mechanically-recovered meat from the site, as well as providing a new destination for chavs and boy racers. I think it’s called Fried Chicken of kentucky or something.”

The New Facebook was unavailable for comment.

Those exceeding the limit will find the road switched to an exit ramp joining the A1
Councillor Steven Bakander said “They will find themselves redirected to an environment more appropriate to their speed.”

Garry Wembley in his ‘big bore’ Nova was the first victim. “I was just going down me nans, and suddenly zapp I was heading onto the A1.” He added, “It’s hard to merge with the slow lane when you are doing 90 plus, it’s really dangerous!“

Dave Cromper, whose Subaru was also ‘redirected’, said, “It’s not fair, they put signs up but they assume everyone can read! I’m gonna complain, its racism against dyslexics or something innit.“

The scheme has cost £1.45m with a further £1.8m earmarked for northbound ‘points’ and a flyover planned for next year.

Pensioner Edith Corry said that the reduction in traffic noise was bliss. “I know I’m deaf but I could still imagine all the roaring and tyre squealing.” 72 year old Ned Blinkman also said things were getting pretty bad. “It had reached the stage where you had to look before crossing the road.“

Story by PW

The TV Dragons, all millionaires, currently convene weekly in a London warehouse with an pointless economics reporter and massive clock in the basement. However, due to the credit crunch they find it pointless paying the mortgage on the space which, it is rumoured, Dragon Duncan Bannatyne is turning into a gym.

“It’s just a little pricey,” said Theo Paphitis. “Yeah we’re all minted, but we didn’t get that way by being frivolous. Seriously, you’ve seen how much absolute bollocks we turn down on the show – really it’s just an excuse to prove how great we are at not spending money on shit.”

Previous failures in the Den include Eaton Socon hoodie chav Darren Feave, who presented his invention SatChav in July. The move has given Feave new hope: “Well, living in the Fens clearly sulls your brain a bit,” he said, “and seeing as the new show will be broadcast in the language that the majority of Ramsey residents speak – Polish – I might be able to wangle a deal using bad translation.”

Other items lined up for the new show include an affordable prosthetic digit, so outsiders can fit in when visiting Chatteris, and the worlds first set of truly thief-proof alloy wheels, for when driving through Wisbech.

Dale E. Goszyp, of the St Neots Chinese Whispers Distribution Depot, said, “We’ve been perpetuating this rumour for years, and decided it was time to start it up again. Previous evidence has shown that if we repeat a rumour or theory for long enough, it will eventually come true.”

Ask any resident and you can often pick up the same gossip from many unconnected sources. Long-running rumours in the town, along with the KFC arrival, include Asda moving into the empty warehouse at Alpha Park and the High Street being pedestrianised – both of which are based entirely in fiction.

However, says Goszyp, not all rumours circulated by his secretive company are unfounded. “We told St Neots about Subway years before it opened, and Domino’s Pizza. We also correctly predicted the Handyman shutting down and are usually accurate with our predictions of opticians and estate agents moving into new-build empty shops.”

Eynesbury Riviera residents weren’t so sure. “Didn’t they tell us we’d be constantly flooded out?” asked Flawn Way homeowner Joyce Bergernstein. “I’ve certainly never woken up to find my cat floating down the garden path.” When the Citizen pointed out the river water swirling around her ankles she stated, “That’s just a water feature. I got the idea from Charlie Dimmock. Now where did I put my scuba gear? I need to go into my garage…”

Goszyp said that rumours and Chinese Whispers were at an all time high at the moment. Town Council leader Derek Miles said that, “It does look like KFC have put a planning application in for the Bell, which will mean the loss of yet another pub but a great opportunity to stuff your veins with cholestoral from reformed spicy chicken.” Paul Marcel was quick to point out that “Miles doesn;t have a clue. No pubs have closed down in St Neots for at least five minutes, and the Bell’s been shut for years.”

Wyboston residents were also said to be happy about the proposals. Frankie Gadsdizzle, 23, who lives in the village said, “USA Chicken’s a fuck of a long walk when you’re stoned and need some grease.” Reports that a cinema would be built next door were found to be completely untrue.

The front page of the Town Crier this week carried a story covering Collingwood Road resident Gordon Bennett’s plea for drivers to slow down on Nelson Road, “where a car smashed into a pub less than two weeks ago”.

This surprised many Eaton Socon residents who had always assumed the pub was on the Great North Road. “I knew I were pissed when I left the pub last week,” said Shakespeare Road man Bruce Swaine, “but I don’t remember having to walk from Nelson road! I must’ve had more than I thought.”

Strangely though, the Waggon still appeared to be on the corner of the Great North Road and Shakespeare Road when the Citizen investigated today. An Expert Scientist had this explanation: “It’s a disturbance in the space-time continuum or something,” he said. “The pub looks like it’s on the main road, and when you go there you walk through the doors at that location – and exit there also. It also doesn’t appear to take up any space in Nelson Road – but that is where it in fact is.”

Meanwhile, the article also stated that since the pub accident, “even more cars have been using the road as a rat-run”. The Citizen pointed out that this may be due to the fact that the official diversion was via Nelson Road, but the theory was rubbished by a former local councillor. Pete Gregory, speaking from his Eynesbury home, said, “This is obviously a load of old Gerald Tosh, man. It’s clear that we need seventeen speed bumps and at least three pedestrian crossings on this high-speed Nascar circuit of a road.”

Current councillors were unavailable for comment.