“The Looney’s are supposed to come up with some really amusing – but unrealistic – policies to keep everyone smiling through the election ridiculousness,” said Conservative party candidate and current MP Jonathan Gdangly of Huntingdon. “Y’know, like that Lord Sutch fellow, he always had something rib-tickling to say – like lowering the voting age to eighteen, or opening pubs all day. OK, I realise these things happened, but apparently he was quite the card back in the eighties!”

Indeed, the Party – founded when this Editor was born – have managed to get a number of laws passed in the UK. And it is this that Gdangly takes offence at. “I mean, Rug is suggesting banning hoodies in favour of top hats, which is just common sense really isn’t it. Everyone wears top hats, surely?”

The Looneys are also suggesting removing wheels from wheelie bins to prevent overfilling, and all politicians painting themselves permanently in party colours, so we know exactly who and what they are.

“Gdangly’s got a point,” said Tory councillor Paul Marcel. “The Looneys just aren’t funny any more – these are all policies which I plan to implement in the local area when – I mean, if – I get elected as councillor again.”

The Citizen is not really sure what is worse, but would suggest that if they want less-sensible policies, the Conservatives turn to their former colleague, madcap Hardwick councillor Bob Farms, who famously once attempted to traffic-calm the River Ouse. “He’ll help you see sense!” crowed slightly-mental former town council leader Derek Miles. “Funny old fucker that one…”

Which means it must be election time. Recent posts on forums have been councillor-only affairs brushing electorate comments aside.

Larry Tapman (Con) comments, “Electorate? What about them? They will just vote on who has been loudest, I am ensuring I am doing just that.”

But Steve van der Whitevanman (LibDem) counters, “Every party for themselves as we approach this critical time. We’ve got more signatures on these toilet petitions so we’re sure to win.”

The Labour PPC whose name no one knows didn’t comment, as no-one in St Neots ever votes Labour anyway.

Alan Sleek, St Neots forum owner said, “I wish they would stop. I’m running out of space on my servers to cope with all this petty electioneering and squabbling.” Councillors have been known to post up to a thousand messages a day each, mostly calling their opposition useless wankers, telling us how good they are, and other general cock-waving excercises.

Council leader Julia Wayward said, “I’d like to remind you all that I have never, will never and indeed can never join in this cock-waving. It was pointless me commenting really, but it sounds funny.”