Tag Archive
Councillor Launches Crusade To Save Local Buildings
Town councillor Steven van der Whitevanman today launched a campaign to ensure that a number of historical buildings in St Neots are not lost to redevelopment. A number of businesses and services have closed recently leaving an even higher number of empty shops and offices than usual. Many would consider these eyesores, but Whitevanman... »
St Neots Bridge To Somewhere Goes… Nowhere!
Shocked residents from the shocking dormitory estate of Loves Farm have been shocked by the news that plans to build the bridge connecting them to the station have been shelved. “I’m shocked!” said Cambridge Road resident L. Tisley. “When I bought this place I was promised a cinema, a super-dooper health centre and bridge... »
Illiterate Chavs Confuse "McDonalds" With "Decent Shops"
Stupid local chavs today proved themselves to be slightly thicker than previously thought, by confusing a fast-food outlet with high-quality retail emporia. St Neots “rude boy” Marly T. Murphy failed to engage brain before mouth, and leaked the following badly-spelled statement onto the otherwise pristine St Neots forum: “weve got a kfc why havnt... »
St Neots To Lose A1 Exit
Under a new ruling by the Government, following a “brilliant idea” from Brussels, St Neots is to lose one of its three A1 junctions in an attempt to reduce traffic. Local councils, backed by the Government, have long been fans of half-arsed schemes to reduce the number of cars on the road, such as... »
Hole Appears In High Street
A large hole has appeared in the centre of St Neots, causing concern and outrage amongst local traders. The hole materialised over night last week and there was initially some confusion amongst local councillors that it might be the same one that had been existing for some time, undetected in the Town Council’s budget. Cllr Julia... »
Retailers Kick Up A Stink
A number of local retailers have been kicking up stink, after it was announced that the High Street would be closed for a month. The road closure for work on the sewerage system was publicly announced just days before Iceland opened on the Market Square. Many retailers have been left furious by this, and... »
UK's Biggest Iceland "Nothing To Brag About" Says Slough
Grotty Berkshire town Slough today collectively hit out at St Neots residents’ excitement over tomorrow’s opening of the UK’s biggest Iceland store. The frozen food giant is returning to the town with a prime Market Square location after an absence of over three years. The new store, in the former Woolworths unit, will be... »
Confusion As Entire Country Does Not Move Into Town Centre
A spokesman for the Icelandic government today announced that the entire country was not packing up and relocating to empty local Woolworths stores. Prime Minister Geir Haarde’s aide Olaaf Davesson re-iterated earlier statements that the country, and it’s population, was staying put. “I am as acutely aware as the rest of Europe,” said Davesson,... »
Woolworths To Become New Shopping Concept
Word on the street in St Neots is that Woolies is to make way for an all-in-one shopping complex, the like of which the town has never seen. Beatty Broadband, of the Chinese Whispers Distribution Depot (now incorporating the St Neots Rumour Mill) limited, said that the company had been keeping a tab on all... »
Lib Dems Secretly Win Secret Election
The Town Council's ruling Liberal Democrats were secretly celebrating this week after a secretive victory in a secret election. Van der Steven promised to be accessible to the people of Eynesbury via a premium-rate number. "It's a good plan this," he commented »
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