The posturing began as Barclays texted Lloyds TSB saying, “Our blue debit cards are much nicer than your green ones.” The Black Horse responded by posting a message on Facebook saying that Barclays’ mum was an “Eagle slag”. Santander commented that both banks were cabrons of the highest order, and Halifax clicked “Like”.

“Those fuckers better watch out,” said NatWest. “My logo is easily fashionable into a ninja throwing star. I’ll cause havoc.”

It’s thought that seeing as banks aren’t actual entities which can say such things, it is infact managers and personal bankers making threats. “Personal wankers more like!” tweeted Nationwide in response.

Staff from the financial institutions, which have undergone a number of mergers and acquisitions in recent years, will face off on the Market Square this Saturday night. “It’ll be a traditional St Neots chavscrap,” said Dave Cork of the Financial Services Authority, “where pretty much anything goes and they all get to call eachother’s sister a tart.”

The winner will be renamed simply “The Bank”, and it is thought that Lloyds’ prime Market Square location will play host to the new institution. The other branches will become new Empty Shops, a vital part of St Neots’ economy.

The St Neots Citizen has learned that retail guru Marie Harbouras was caught in the tailbacks and had the good fortune to cut through St Neots town centre. Whilst being chauffeured Marie Harbouras “Googled” St Neots and crossed our publication to reveal links to the London cable car, our award winning car parks, and cinema which, as yet, doesn’t exist.

The possible new shopping centre will be part of the lesser known Eastfields chain. Huntingdon Town Council have caught wind of this scheme and approached Westfields chain to try and incorporate  their new multi-story carpark.

Local Councillor Steve van der Whitevanman was outraged and over the moon. He commented, “The congestion in town caused by this development will destroy the town’s economy. All these new shops will be great for the local economy.”

The Tories as a whole responded on a local internet forum as “Another Lib Dem gross mismanagment of this town’s future,” and “Larry will be most displeased, he has not been part of  the badly-spelled ‘STNeots needz a shoppin centre’ Facebook campaign.”

It is thought the 250-unit development, with parking for six thousand cars and attendant restaurants and other facilities, will fit nicely on the site currently occupied by the car park behind the Handyman.

A comprehensive press release from SNTC reads: “There has been some interest in the town for a shopping centre.”

Both Marie Harbouras and the SNTC office were not available for comment.

A number of businesses and services have closed recently leaving an even higher number of empty shops and offices than usual. Many would consider these eyesores, but Whitevanman believes that, as part of the town’s heritage, they should be listed and therefore saved.

The piles of bricks facing an uncertain future include the South Street toilets, MC Garrett’s florists on Cambridge Street, and the former Choices video store, which has been empty for over two years. “We’ve already lost some prime examples of the town’s rich architectural heritage,” said Whitevanman, “with the loss of the Priory Mall and Jade Bridge a few years ago, and more recently the outdoor swimming pool – although this is now a brilliant fenced-off piece of grass.”

Many locals jumped to support the scheme. “It’s terrible how many lovely buildings we have lost over the years,” said Milton Avenue resident Stacey Horsfayci, 41. “All the empty units we used to have around the Market Square, the old Paines Brewery, all these have been turned into shops. And they aren’t even empty shops! Disgusting.”

Councillors have a long history of hiking business rates to ensure there are always a lot of derelict units, but never before has anyone attempted to list them with English Heritage to ensure they stay that way. “If we succeed,” continued Whitevanman, “we can ensure that St Neots looks the same for ever and ever, and that’ll be lovely won’t it.”

“I’m shocked!” said Cambridge Road resident L. Tisley. “When I bought this place I was promised a cinema, a super-dooper health centre and bridge so I wouldn’t have to walk amongst the chavs on the way to work. All I’ve got is a soccer pitch and a school and I hate football and haven’t got kids! It’s shocking!”

Thinking for quite some time, local councillor Terrence Dougall confirmed that not building the bridge would be good for local trade. “I’ve had a bloody good think about this,” he ranted, “and I’m now claiming that it was my idea to shelve the bridge plans thereby making people have to walk closer to the Town Centre. In fact I’m proposing that all routes to the station are blocked off unless they pass The Old Bridge. Which means everyone, even from Loves Farm, would only be able to get to the railway via Eaton Ford. That’ll help our struggling businesses. I thought of that myself you know.”

Sir Alec Guinness was unavailable for comment

St Neots “rude boy” Marly T. Murphy failed to engage brain before mouth, and leaked the following badly-spelled statement onto the otherwise pristine St Neots forum: “weve got a kfc why havnt we got a mc donalds in the town yet,this place needs to get with it and get some decent shops like next and that.does anyone agree”

Forum regulars – otherwise known mostly as normal people – were taken aback by the outburst. The Citizen’s associate Oi!! Magazine editor, Mr Thundopalous P. Staker, esq., said, “It made my fucking eyes bleed reading that.

“We’re all used to the occasional new chav learning how to navigate away from Bebo and vomiting the contents of their feeble brain all over our local sites, but this really took the piss.”

Other regulars pointed out to Mr Murphy that perhaps McDonalds could not exactly be classed as a “decent shop”, to which he replied “ruavegie mate mcdsissoooogood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” The Citizen’s translators were completely lost at this point, but think that “ruavegie” roughly tanslates as “please help me, I am far too daft to be allowed to walk the streets and therefore must consume my own body-weight in mechanically-recovered meat until I can no longer leave the house.”

However at this point Mr Murphy went quiet. It is thought the 1-key came off his keyboard and the thought of a post without exclaimation marks drove him to take his own worthless Burberry-clad life.

Local councils, backed by the Government, have long been fans of half-arsed schemes to reduce the number of cars on the road, such as pinch-point traffic calming, and not providing enough parking on new estates – all while not actually increasing the availability of public transport.

Secretary of State for Transport Lord Adonis issued a statement in Parliament saying, “All towns, cities and villages will have their access from local trunk roads and motorways restricted depending on the number of residents in said area.

“If people cannot get into the town as easily, there will be less cars on our urban roads. Fact.”

Lord Adonis hit back at claims that the strategy was ill-thought-out and would cause more, not less, traffic and congestion on town centre streets on account of everyone trying to leave by one exit, by saying “bollocks”.

St Neots often experiences the loss of one access to its only trunk route, the A1, when Mill Lane bridges flood approximately every seven minutes. While the road is closed, anyone entering the town from the north is forced to use the Crosshall Road junction and travel through the town centre, causing tail-backs up to three miles long through Eaton Socon.

Councillors were behind the plans. “I myself think that this is a stupendous plan, innit,” said self-martyring Lib Dem Terrence Dougall. “Less A1 access means less Huntingdon chav visitors as far as I am concerned, and also if it’s harder to get TO Huntingdon then we will probably get a cinema – I think myself that this stands to reason.”

The understandably pro-car AA said that the scheme was doomed to failure. “I don’t see how you would choose the exit,” said spokesman Eric Geddes. “OK, some towns like Huntingdon can lose a junction – that rubbish little one near Brampton that no-one uses because it causes you to die, for example.

“But most places, St Neots included, need all their exits and maybe more.”

Councillor Steven van der Whitevanman of Eynesbury, said “I know the AA have their reservations, but don’t forget they tried to delete St Neots off the map a few years ago. I hardly think they are a credible source for anything to do with cars at all ever.” Whitevanman, 46, hinted that the council were thinking of going one step further and closing both the Wyboston Lakes and Little Paxton sliproads.

“Anyone travelling from Bedford to Cambridge would have to drive through town, instead of round the bypass,” he said. “Once we pedestrianise the town centre, this will mean the average journey time through the town will be three to four days. This is a boon to local businesses as people will need to stop and eat every 100 yards or nine hours, whichever comes soonest.”

Former council leader Derek Miles said, “Steve is right. Once we have a big queue of traffic, we’ll shut the now-pointless bypass and build a fucking great big cinema on it. Perfect.”

The hole materialised over night last week and there was initially some confusion amongst local councillors that it might be the same one that had been existing for some time, undetected in the Town Council’s budget.

Image ©Reuters

Cllr Julia Wayward commented, “There were several thousand in Blackburn, according to John Lennon, and it didn’t do them any harm. I really think this puts St Neots on the map.”

A team of professionals were dispatched to verify the existence of the hole, and after much deliberation for at least three minutes, it was decided that it had actually been there since 1980 and no one had noticed.

Local trader Barry Chuckle said, “I can’t believe it’s been there all this time. We’ve been losing trade for nearly 30 years and no one noticed.” Another town centre business owner, Niall Bittern, said “This hole is a menace to us all; it’s so big you could easily lose a three piece suite and an occasional table in it.”

Councillors in the town hope the hole will fill itself in at some point and normal trading will resume. Cllr Steven van der Van Driver commented that “until the hole has been properly identified and blame apportioned the Town Council would be looking into it. This will involve leaning over it; I hope nobody pushes me.”

The Citizen considered blaming CERN, and their machine of doom which last year was found to be located underneath the town, but decided that joke had most certainly been done to death.

Story by Adam Douglas

The road closure for work on the sewerage system was publicly announced just days before Iceland opened on the Market Square.  Many retailers have been left furious by this, and fear the closure will result in further loss of trade

Local shop owner, Mark Dawson comment: “The last thing we need right now, especially in the current climate.  With the road closed pedestrians may chose to walk down the road when it’s busy instead of walking into our shop.  I can’t understand why they’re unable delay the works until the middle of winter.”

A spokesman for Anglian Waters explained: “Over the past few years a number of factors have caused the increased burden on the sewerage system.  These factors range from housing developments which have increased the population, to the increased waste being generated from part of the Priory quarters.  Whilst it’s possible the road closure may have a small effect to retailers, without the work there is a risk of the sewerage pouring into the proverbial fan shop.”

Casey Jones was not available for comment.

The frozen food giant is returning to the town with a prime Market Square location after an absence of over three years. The new store, in the former Woolworths unit, will be the largest in the country.

Human car crash and former Atomic Kitten Kerry Katona is rumoured to be opening the store, despite being very publicly on holiday or rehab in the Costas; and the Chinese Whispers Distribution Depot has it that the first ten shoppers will receive a free King Prawn Ring.

This “social event of the year” is very exciting for St Neots locals and a new store opening certainly bucks the trend of closures in recent months, with Birthdays, Cambridge Building Society and Priceless Shoes all vanishing in the last few weeks. But the people of Slough collectively scoffed at the town today, saying the UK’s biggest Iceland was akin to getting excited about having a slightly larger little toe than anyone else.

“We had the biggest Tesco for ages,” said local office manager David Kent. “That was the actual biggest supermarket in the UK. That, my friend, is impressive. There’s no point having the biggest Iceland. It’s like being the fastest person to run a marathon with your eyes closed. Impressive, but there’ll always be some clever bastard with their eyes open who does it in half the time.”

Local council members were shocked at Slough’s diatribe. Julia Wayward said, “I really don’t see what their point is. I mean what the fuck. We’re the biggest town in Cambridgeshire – Slough isn’t even the biggest shithole in Berkshire.”

The mayor of Slough refused to comment, except to point out that they had more mini roundabouts. Derek Miles said “St Neots is working to install more roundabouts all the time and we hope to be UK record holders by 2015, ensuring at least £1.27 of EU funding.”

Prime Minister Geir Haarde’s aide Olaaf Davesson re-iterated earlier statements that the country, and it’s population, was staying put.

“I am as acutely aware as the rest of Europe,” said Davesson, “that the Icelandic economy has not been brilliant of late. But Iceland is a rich and diverse icy nation, and we won’t be moving into ex-Woolies stores any time soon. Especially now the free pick’n'mix has gone.”

A press officer for the country said, “You appear to have confused our great nation with a shit frozen food chain. For shame!”

As for the pick’n'mix, Davesson said that he was unaware you had to pay. People helping themselves to the sweets is said to be the main reason the hundred-year-old retailer closed down.