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Thursday May 23rd 2013

Posts Tagged ‘Expert Scientists’

Beirut Not A Warzone

Beirut Not A Warzone

Newly local man Martin Walsh, planning a charity bike ride to Beirut in Lebanon, has revealed that the city is “not actually a warzone”. People have recently called Martin “fucking mental” for attempting the epic journey which he’ll start at [Read More]

Don’t Forget Serial Shaggers

Don’t Forget Serial Shaggers

Dear sir, I have just read your article on excuses for multiple addictions. I feel that the research does not adequately address those of us addicted to casual sex. Frankly, the amount of barely-legal skirt in the Priory every Friday night makes it hard enough, as well as [Read More]

Addicts Have New Excuse

Addicts Have New Excuse

A report in the national press today explains that some people are missing a subunit of a receptor that tells them when they have had enough nicotine, making them born smokers. Neotians are using this report to explain addiction to everything else. [Read More]

St Neots Minutes Ahead

St Neots Minutes Ahead

Local councillors have teamed up with “Expert Scientists” in an attempt to attract new businesses to the town’s increasingly empty industrial estates. In a statement today (Thursday), council leader Julia Wayward revealed that, despite sitting to the west [Read More]

Scientists Sinking Streets?

Scientists Sinking Streets?

Scientists at research outfit CERN, whose Large Hadron Collider was rumoured last year to be underneath St Neots, have come under fire again from residents in the Humberley Close area, who are concerned their houses are shrinking. “My house is cracking up,” said [Read More]

Council Blamed For Less Snow

Council Blamed For Less Snow

Huntingdonshire District Council were today under fire from St Neots residents, who claimed that St Neots was not getting it’s fair share of snow. The town’s location in a geographically distinct “bowl” or dip means that the temperature in St Neots [Read More]

Snow Leads To Slew Of Stories

Snow Leads To Slew Of Stories

Older people in St Neots have been making the most of this week’s snow by infuriating their children with stories of how it was much colder when they were kids. Betty Bean, 61, regaled all who would listen with stories of how “When I were a lass, we had frost on [Read More]

Locals Spitting Feathers Over EU Ruling

Locals Spitting Feathers Over EU Ruling

The EU has once again chosen Huntingdonshire as it’s testbed for a daft new rule. Under directive 09/447/EC, the terms “spitting distance” and “a stone’s throw” could soon be disappearing, particularly from promotional literature. EU [Read More]

Small Town Mentality “Not A Disease” says NHS

Small Town Mentality “Not A Disease” says NHS

After years of conjecture, Norman Henry Sampson (NHS) has decided to end, once and for all, the debate over whether living in middle-English, non-descript, average market towns was an indicator of mental instability. Mr Sampson, speaking form his chair just outside cafe [Read More]

New Facebook Blamed For Pub Disappearance

New Facebook Blamed For Pub Disappearance

The new layout of social networking site Facebook, launched earlier this year, has been blamed for the recent disappearance of listed Eaton Socon pub The Bell. Thousands of users got very upset when the site made using the new layout compulsory, when previously they could [Read More]

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This Just In

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Meat experts have today shocked the British public with the real reason behind the horse DNA contamination scandal. [Read More]

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Local newspaper the Cambridge Evening News In The Morning has revealed that it is going to sack all its reporters, [Read More]

New School Thief-Proof

New School Thief-Proof

South Cambs DC have revealed that new secondary school Cambourne Village College is designed with special anti-theft [Read More]

Champagne Shoplifter “Had No Taste”

Champagne Shoplifter “Had No Taste”

Local supermarket managers have spoken out about the recent spate of theft of sparkly French booze, revealing that the [Read More]

Shock At Lasagne Meat Content

Shock At Lasagne Meat Content

St Neots’ frozen food connoisseurs were outraged today after it was revealed that some Findus lasagnes may only [Read More]

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