Tag Archive
Scientists Sinking Streets?
Scientists at research outfit CERN, whose Large Hadron Collider was rumoured last year to be underneath St Neots, have come under fire again from residents in the Humberley Close area, who are concerned their houses are shrinking. “My house is cracking up,” said Burnt Close resident Sarah Camistic, “and if it goes on much... »
Council Blamed For Less Snow
Huntingdonshire District Council were today under fire from St Neots residents, who claimed that St Neots was not getting it’s fair share of snow. The town’s location in a geographically distinct “bowl” or dip means that the temperature in St Neots is on average 1.5ยบ higher than Huntingdon or Cambridge, but also means that... »
Snow Leads To Slew Of Stories
Older people in St Neots have been making the most of this week’s snow by infuriating their children with stories of how it was much colder when they were kids. Betty Bean, 61, regaled all who would listen with stories of how “When I were a lass, we had frost on the inside of... »
Locals Spitting Feathers Over EU Ruling
The EU has once again chosen Huntingdonshire as it’s testbed for a daft new rule. Under directive 09/447/EC, the terms “spitting distance” and “a stone’s throw” could soon be disappearing, particularly from promotional literature. EU spokesman Johann Rohan said today, “It is clear to me that St Neots is not “a stone’s throw” away... »
Small Town Mentality "Not A Disease" says NHS
After years of conjecture, Norman Henry Sampson (NHS) has decided to end, once and for all, the debate over whether living in middle-English, non-descript, average market towns was an indicator of mental instability. Mr Sampson, speaking form his chair just outside cafe Nero, said “I’m fed up with newspapers makin’ out we’re all tiny... »
New Facebook Blamed For Pub Disappearance
The new layout of social networking site Facebook, launched earlier this year, has been blamed for the recent disappearance of listed Eaton Socon pub The Bell. Thousands of users got very upset when the site made using the new layout compulsory, when previously they could switch back to their preferred “old” layout. The situation... »
Council Plans To Alter Passage Of Time
St Neots Town Council are hoping to alter time and possibly reality, by staging the 2007 Christmas lights switch-on this week. Last year, there was no lighting ceremony after a set of lights fell on a pedestrian’s head. But a spokesman for the council today said that rather than just leave 2007′s decorations as... »
Miles "Not Mad After All"
Town Council leader Derek Miles has revealed that he is not, in fact, going insane, but has been a victim of American Soap Syndrome, or ASS. Various news sources including the Citizen have carried stories recently that cast Cllr Miles in a “delicate” frame of mind, his behaviour growing increasingly bizarre. But following investigation... »
Greenwich Mean Time "Actually Mean" Says Local Man
Eaton Socon resident Felix Dakaat this week revealed that, according to his studies, Greenwich Mean Time is indeed “quite mean”. “I’ve been wondering about this for a couple of years,” said Dakaat, 43, of Shakespeare Road. “I have analysed the weather patterns over the course of the last five years and it seems that... »
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – A St Neots Epidemic?
Latest research has shown that the populous of St Neots now has the largest proportion of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder sufferers…in the world! The syndrome, variously described as “stropy little git”, “thrush (irritating c***)” or “vicious bastard” disease, affects approximately all the offspring of the towns socio-economic status classified “D” and “E” groups. Exactly... »
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