Posts Tagged ‘Expert Scientists’
Beirut Not A Warzone
Newly local man Martin Walsh, planning a charity bike ride to Beirut in Lebanon, has revealed that the city is “not actually a warzone”. People have recently called Martin “fucking mental” for attempting the epic journey which he’ll start at [Read More]
Don’t Forget Serial Shaggers
Dear sir, I have just read your article on excuses for multiple addictions. I feel that the research does not adequately address those of us addicted to casual sex. Frankly, the amount of barely-legal skirt in the Priory every Friday night makes it hard enough, as well as [Read More]
Addicts Have New Excuse
A report in the national press today explains that some people are missing a subunit of a receptor that tells them when they have had enough nicotine, making them born smokers. Neotians are using this report to explain addiction to everything else. [Read More]
St Neots Minutes Ahead
Local councillors have teamed up with “Expert Scientists” in an attempt to attract new businesses to the town’s increasingly empty industrial estates. In a statement today (Thursday), council leader Julia Wayward revealed that, despite sitting to the west [Read More]
Scientists Sinking Streets?
Scientists at research outfit CERN, whose Large Hadron Collider was rumoured last year to be underneath St Neots, have come under fire again from residents in the Humberley Close area, who are concerned their houses are shrinking. “My house is cracking up,” said [Read More]
Council Blamed For Less Snow
Huntingdonshire District Council were today under fire from St Neots residents, who claimed that St Neots was not getting it’s fair share of snow. The town’s location in a geographically distinct “bowl” or dip means that the temperature in St Neots [Read More]
Snow Leads To Slew Of Stories
Older people in St Neots have been making the most of this week’s snow by infuriating their children with stories of how it was much colder when they were kids. Betty Bean, 61, regaled all who would listen with stories of how “When I were a lass, we had frost on [Read More]
Locals Spitting Feathers Over EU Ruling
The EU has once again chosen Huntingdonshire as it’s testbed for a daft new rule. Under directive 09/447/EC, the terms “spitting distance” and “a stone’s throw” could soon be disappearing, particularly from promotional literature. EU [Read More]
Small Town Mentality “Not A Disease” says NHS
After years of conjecture, Norman Henry Sampson (NHS) has decided to end, once and for all, the debate over whether living in middle-English, non-descript, average market towns was an indicator of mental instability. Mr Sampson, speaking form his chair just outside cafe [Read More]
New Facebook Blamed For Pub Disappearance
The new layout of social networking site Facebook, launched earlier this year, has been blamed for the recent disappearance of listed Eaton Socon pub The Bell. Thousands of users got very upset when the site made using the new layout compulsory, when previously they could [Read More]
