“My house is cracking up,” said Burnt Close resident Sarah Camistic, “and if it goes on much longer I will be too.”

“It’s blatantly the fault of them scientists,” said Eaton Socon man Max Speed. “There’s probably a black hole underneath Eynesbury, which is ever so slowly, imperceptably shrinking all the houses.

“Of course, cement and bricks don’t like being shrunk, so they’re falling to pieces instead.”

Long-suffering CERN spokesman Guillaume la Trec said in an email to the Citizen that he refused to believe the LHC had anything to do with the houses in Eynesbury sinking, and maybe if we had got French builders to build them they would be better quality. “That’s as maybe,” retorted Camistic, “but we’d still be waiting for them to finish their thirtieth Gauloise of the day, and thirty years on we’d barely have foundations.”

Local geologist Garph Jonas, 27, offered another explanation for the phenomenon. “I reckon there’s some massive stone-age caves under Eynesbury, or possibly a mass grave for plague victims from Huntingdon. We should probably knock all the houses down on a whim to check.”

In other news, the Citizen reported this story without speaking to any councillors. Well done us.

The town’s location in a geographically distinct “bowl” or dip means that the temperature in St Neots is on average 1.5º higher than Huntingdon or Cambridge, but also means that locals are protected from the worst of the weather.

“You can really notice it if you visit one of the few streets which is up on the ‘rim’, so to speak,” said local Expert Scientist Jim James of CERN. “Have a wander through Bean Close next time it’s been icy, and the frost and snow stays on the ground that little bit longer because they’re not in the dip.”

However, St Neotians have refuted these claims, laying the blame squarely at the door of Pathfinder House. “It’s a disgrace,” said Eynesbury resident Peter Husbanick, 31. “Huntingdon always gets the better deal: more cinemas, more traffic lights, more chavs, and now more snow.”

Town councillor Terrence Dougall, 81, said “I’ll have to look into this. I’ll ask the District Council some questions without the use of any punctuation and see what they have to say about it.”

The Citizen contacted a local pensioner for a quote as well. Ethel Cotton, 79, ranted that “In my day we had ice on the inside of the windows, and the Thames used to freeze over, but we strapped wooden planks – with the nails still in them – to our feet and used them to ski the forty-two miles to school every day.”

Betty Bean, 61, regaled all who would listen with stories of how “When I were a lass, we had frost on the inside of the windows!”

Meanwhile, Jake Neskini, 22, said he had had enough of hearing about “ice on the Thames” from his parents.

It is thought that any adverse weather automatically triggers a response in those over fifty, who then feel compelled to inform their assorted descendants about how they’ve “never had it so good”. As well as the classic ice on the inside of the windows and the Thames freezing solid, other favourites include “the time it was so foggy you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face but still went to work” and “that month when it rained for twenty-eight days and we had to swim eight miles to school”.

Historians said that few of the stories had been proven, but that over-fifties had a great capacity for “mis-remembering” details. Dayve Cheesington, an Expert Scientist from Longsands School’s new Ernulf campus, said that he intended to look into the situation more deeply. “If you speak to my nan you get the impression that in the 1940′s, Britain was permanently under an icy lake of foggy water, but of course they ‘muddled through’. I think this is pure bollocks of the ‘A-levels were harder in my day’ variety.”

Cheesington will be interviewing anyone over fifty who can remember their own name accurately within the next few weeks.

Under directive 09/447/EC, the terms “spitting distance” and “a stone’s throw” could soon be disappearing, particularly from promotional literature.

EU spokesman Johann Rohan said today, “It is clear to me that St Neots is not “a stone’s throw” away from Cambridge. Neither is your own riverside park “spitting distance” from the Market Square.

“This can be very confusing, especially for foreign visitors who already get confused by your insistence on using archaic Imperial measurements for almost everything.”

The directive aims to officially define a stone’s throw as the average distance a stone can be thrown in Brussels with a prevailing north-easterly wind, when the weight of the stone is a known factor. This value is apparntly 26.3 meteres, although how legislators arrived at this figure is really anyone’s guess. A 7,335-word report compiled by oft-quoted Expert Scientists into why spitting distance is defined as “about three feet” is also available.

Rohan added that a number of other expressions were also under review, in particular the threat of knocking someone “into the middle of next week”, which may lead non-native speakers of English to believe that time travel had at last been cracked. Avoiding international confusion in the UK is no new minefield, as the last decade has seen Jif change to Cif and our beloved Opal Fruits to Starburst.

Councillors hit back at the policy. “What a load of old shit,” said Bob Farms, councillor for mystery Hardwick parish. “These are traditional common-use English expressions, and the EU has no right to interfere with our colloquialisms and odd sayings.”

Rohan responded that a “load” of “old” shit was specifically two metric tonnes of faeces which is three weeks and one day old. He added that anyone caught using outdated expressions after 1st December this year would face a fine of up to half a Rowley Million, and this would also apply to people who still call Somerfield “Gateway”.

Council leader Julia Wayward said, “It’s a load of absolute bollocks.” The legislation does not yet specify how many bollocks a load comprises.

Mr Sampson, speaking form his chair just outside cafe Nero, said “I’m fed up with newspapers makin’ out we’re all tiny minded, insular bigots with nothing but time on our hands to moan about speed bumps and crap Christmas lights.” He added, “so I thought I’d use my years of experience in writing letters complaining about stuff that doesn’t really matter to better effect. So I’m sitting here saying that there’s no such thing as small town mentality ‘cos i said so.”

Quick to grab any hare-brained anecdotal theory as a way of saving money the National Health Service (NHS) reportedly slashed funding to local GP’s and Health Trusts dealing with any sign of mental problem claiming Mr Sampson “was right.”

Kim Stonely-Bolton, spokesperson for the local NHS Trust, said, “Of course Mr Sampson is right because the Government told us he is.” He continued “there’s little left to add” and further stated “I have nothing further to state.”

Loads of local councillors were available for comment; we just couldn’t be bothered to print them.

Thousands of users got very upset when the site made using the new layout compulsory, when previously they could switch back to their preferred “old” layout.

The situation took a sinister turn in October when members began blaming the new Facebook, or TNFB, on all of life’s woes. Among the issues for which TNFB has been cited are the credit crunch; the technical error in the Large Hadron Collider which prevented us from knowing the answer to life, the universe and everything; annexing the Sudetendland; shooting Bambi’s mum and various rapes, murders and sex crimes.

Now, Westside residents have pointed the finger firmly at TNFB for the destruction of the historic Bell. Conveniently forgetting that the pub has been shut for some time, Great North Road resident Hayley Berry, 31, said “Where exactly am i supposed to drink now? i suppose it will have to be Brewsters with all them snot-nosed brats running around.”

Berry went on, “Clearly the new Facebook is to blame for the vanishing into a black hole of this once great watering hole.”

At the mention of black holes, the Citizen of course contacted CERN, whose Big Bang machine is reputed to be in a cave underneath St Neots. Spokesman Guillaume la Trec said that the Expert Scientists had looked into the problem and the LHC was certainly not to blame. “It is true a black ‘ole appeared and swallowed up zis public ‘ouse,” said la Trec, “but it was in fact just a large puddle of Guinness which ‘ad been disposed of over ze years in ze Bell.”

One internet commenter said, “First!”. Another said, “I don’t think TNFB knocked the pub down, but it is definitely planning to sell us greasy mechanically-recovered meat from the site, as well as providing a new destination for chavs and boy racers. I think it’s called Fried Chicken of kentucky or something.”

The New Facebook was unavailable for comment.

Last year, there was no lighting ceremony after a set of lights fell on a pedestrian’s head. But a spokesman for the council today said that rather than just leave 2007′s decorations as a failure, they would run twelve months late every year.

Re-employed at the council following a leave of absence, Dean Dexter said, “This is a brilliant plan on our part. By staging the 2007 Big Switch-On next Friday (28th), we can go back twelve months and use the lessons we have learned to make some serious money. I mean, improvements.”

The council is hoping that by altering time in this way, St Neots may be able to buck the economic trends of 2008 and become the most affluent area in the UK. “Obviously we’ll have to do away with a few of the more chavvy elements of the town, but we hope that the new KFC will soon be keeping them all occupied at the bottom of Eaton Socon, and if we’re lucky giving them food poisoning too.”

The lights are being turned on by swimmer Mark Foster, who says that if this radical plan to alter reality does indeed work, he’ll be able to win a few more Olympic medals in the 2008 Olympics. “You never know,” he said, “a few golds might persuade the council to bring back the outdoor pool.”

Councillor Bob Farms, who six years ago refused to spend any of an £80million surplus on fixing the ailing outdoor pool, commented that, “You’ve got as much chance of that happening as you have of getting a cinema. Haha!”

As the scheme, which the council are referring to by the snappy title of “Project Turn Back Time”, seems a bit far-fetched, the Citizen went to the town’s basement levels to speak to Guillaume la Trec, spokesman for CERN, whose Big Bang Machine the LHC is located somewhere under the town. “Ze most likely outcome,” said la Trec, “is zat a few people will be confused about the date. Saying zat it is 2007 is probably not going to cause time to actually change.” He went on to comment that at least if CERN inadvertently causes the end of the known universe, St Neots will be able to enjoy one more illuminated Christmas, as all festive seasons will now run fifty-two weeks behind schedule.

Various news sources including the Citizen have carried stories recently that cast Cllr Miles in a “delicate” frame of mind, his behaviour growing increasingly bizarre. But following investigation by professor Holly Oaks, of Dallas University, it has been discovered that the crazy antics of the past few months were down to Miles channelling the spirit of his own fictional evil twin brother.

The Syndrome, so called because of the proliferation of evil twin brothers on popular cheesy Channel 5 import Sunset Beach, can cause a victim to unwittingly become their own malicious sibling, despite the fact they are not actually a twin. Generally the evil half of the equation takes over the sufferer’s life, often with the aim of relieving them of all their money.

“In this unusual case,” said Prof. Oaks, “Councillor Miles’ evil twin spirit aimed to end his political career through a series of manic episodes and increasingly disjointed letters to local papers. It is possible that the twin was working in cahoots with another local councillor such as Bob Farms, of the fictional Hardwick parish; but it is equally likely that he was aiming for his own unexplained outcome.”

No documented cases of ASS exist in the UK, but it does proliferate on the other side of the pond. “Generally,” continued the professor, “ASS manifests itself in one of the following three ways. There is of course evil twin channelling. Then there is Amnesia, where a person is apparently dead but reappears months or years later with no memory of who they are. This consequence of the syndrome is believed to be a strain which developed in Australia in the mid-nineties. Finally there is what we call Disguising, where someone leaves the area and then returns with a moustache, a wig and a just-about-plausible back story about who they are – and often turn out to be a ghost anyway.”

Councillor Miles was said to be overjoyed that the syndrome had finally been diagnosed. “Apparently,” he said, “It’s not like the flu where you can think to yourself, ‘hey I have this problem’ and go and bother your local GP. Because you are becoming your own evil twin you think everything’s perfectly normal.”

“The treatment was awful though,” continued Miles, now fully recovered. “They had to delete E4 – and E4+1 – and all the Channel 5 channels from my Freeview box so that I didn’t inadvertently catch a rerun of Dynasty or the OC. Then I had to watch EastEnders constantly for three weeks, as nothing so absurd ever occurs on Albert Square.”

Miles was looking forward to returning to writing his own incoherent letters to the Town Crier, which now often only features correspondence from councillors on its letters page; and to keeping an eye on exactly how much money the Town Centre Manager was giving away to people he had never met.

“I’ve been wondering about this for a couple of years,” said Dakaat, 43, of Shakespeare Road. “I have analysed the weather patterns over the course of the last five years and it seems that all the worst weather happens while we are running to GMT time, instead of BST.”

Using a “rather complex Excel spreadsheet involving macros and v-lookups and stuff”, Dakaat was able to determine that the worst weather – wind, rain, snow, sleet and the suchlike – occurred between the last weekend of October, and the changeable date in Spring when the clocks go forward. “Just look at this week,” said the accountant. “The clocks went back on Sunday morning and since then it’s been freezing. It proves my point.”

Greenwich Mean Time is now largely a notional time measurement as official timekeeping is done using UTC. The Citizen pointed out to Dakaat that maybe his cause and effect was a little faulty, and that the “mean” in Greenwich Mean Time was to account for the differences caused by the Earth’s elliptical rotation around the sun – the same difference which means we gain a leap-day every fourth February. Dakaat responded that “Obviously the Citizen reporters have no idea what they’re talking about. I mean, in Paris they refer to Western European time as PMT, and they are certainly moody and hormonal all the fucking time.”

Cllr Derek Miles commented that, “St Neots Market Square Mean Time is about four minutes ahead of GMT anyway, so this is all by the by.” We contacted Expert Scientists on the matter but “they” refused to comment, and just mumbled something about Swatch Internet Time.

The syndrome, variously described as “stropy little git”, “thrush (irritating c***)” or “vicious bastard” disease, affects approximately all the offspring of the towns socio-economic status classified “D” and “E” groups. Exactly how St Neots achieved first place in the study is still a mystery but as ever The Citizen managed to find just over 20,000 residents prepared to give an opinion.

Dave Scummus, 67, from Lammas Way said “pure and simple son…it’s them London over-spillers. They’re everywhere, come up here taking our jobs, breeding like rabbits, no wonder the kids can’t behave”. Asked if he had lived in the town all his life Mr Scummus replied “No I come from Enfield but that’s not London, not proper London anyway. And I’ve been here over 40 years, so my old china, I am well local now!”

Freda Sixtoes, 107, remarked “I moved to this part of London years and years and years ago and them kids… what was the question again?” When we pointed out that St Neots wasn’t anywhere near the capital Miss Sixtoes replied “Anywhere south of Friday Bridge is London, that’s what my Dad told me!”

Ady Aichdee, spokesperson for the charity “Do-Gooders Trying to Make Out It’s OK for Chav Kids to Misbehave Because Some Quack Wanted Their Name Attached To a Disease” said, “Oh yah, like these kids like deserve something better yah? We er… kinda let them have their freedom man..you know. This is a real disease right and yah it only affects lower classes because they are  lower class right?” At this point Mr Aichdee was stabbed in the thigh by one of his charges. He is expected to make a full recovery.

If this article has affected you in any way contact the Citizen for help on 0870MOREBENEFITSNOW!. Calls charged at 1 house per 59 seconds.