I have a dilemma. I have been offered my Dream Job. But the location is bound to cause a problem with my family and friends.

I got temporary work in a factory in Cromwell Road, It went really well, ending up being full time . The agency put me forward for a another job, I went to the interview and got it. I will be a supervisor at Lola Cars. This is my dream to be a supervisor. All my family are St Neots born and bred, live on the same street in the Eastside of town. If they can’t get work in St Neots they won’t work and proud of it. My friends always go to Huntingdon for a fight with the other lot.

This will tear them apart. Me working in Huntingdon. I fear my parents and friends will never speak to me again, always thinking I am better then them for not wanting to work in St Neots.

Please, what should I do?

Torn, Peter.

Dear Peter,

You may feel you are in a difficult situation.

But frankly you’re not. Its your Dream Job, go for it. If they don’t like it, fuck what they think. Do your best and achieve all that you can. Then when they’re still not talking to you rub their dirty little noses in it, buy a new house on Hinchingbrook Park or Loves Farm or even closer to home – Eynesbury Manor. Vote Tory, look at them like they are something on the bottom of your shoe and change your name to Tarquin.

The rubbish bit of grass and hardcore-covered pathway, which includes a playground otherwise known as Friday nights’ second-best chav socialisation location, last week sprouted the name Wren Walk.

“I don’t know why they think this countryside-style alleyway needs a name,” said David Redrow, 40, whose house in ridiculously overcrowded Bevington Way overlooks the area. “I realise they’re building another estate – sorry, development – on the other side of this scrubby bit of turf, but are they actually going to build on it? They love to cram houses in these days but that’d really take the piss.”

Eynesbury councillor Paul Marcel explained that it was his impression that all walkways and alleys in the town were due to gain names, even though many of them are just hideaways for teen drinkers and the odd smackhead. This will be especially useful for the network of muddy tracks connecting to the Chav Superhighway.”

Indeed, the pricey bridge connecting Ernulf to Shakespeare Road is coming on a pace. “It still doesn’t have a name,” said councillor Marcel, “but I’m sure we’ll think of something completely inappropriate before it’s finished. The team which is coming up with roadnames for Love’s Farm, which likes to use the word ‘hill’ a lot to describe a minor slope, has been consulted and are working on it.”

Local court-botherer and Citizen reporter Benny T. Bean was delighted. “I’ve been planning to move into a tent for tax purposes,” he explained, “and now I’ll be able to actually have an address, by pitching on Wren Walk. Very excited.”

However, Flawn Way resident Jacob Paris said, “I don’t want to look out my window and see a fucking hippy encampment. It’s bad enough looking over the Chav Superhighway site and seeing the next generation of council-estate nippers being conceived.”

Eaton Ford, Eaton Socon and Eynesbury have at various times in the last twenty years gained nice wooden signs on their respective village greens. St Neots itself has a similar installation in rubbish set of steps Jubilee Gardens, behind Thomas Morris estate agents.

But newer sections of the town have no such denominational signage. “It’s a fucking disgrace,” said Bellend Hill resident Christopher Wall, 33. “I moved up from Essex to this luxury Eastside development and there’s no village sign. What’s that all about bruv? Once the developers move out and take their signs down, no-one will know this is Love’s Farm, and it’s just not on.”

However, councillors have sought to put uppity newcomers in their place. “The reason,” said Westside councillor King Cooper, “that these places do not have signs is that they are not actual areas of town – they’re housing estates! And not very good ones either. What next? A wooden sign for Duck Lane? Pfft.”

© st-neots.co.uk

Not wishing to be associated with the notorious North Cambridge estate, a resident’s group on the new site, sandwiched between Kings Hedges and the A14, managed to lobby the City Council to officially name the new area “Orchard Park”.

Eynesbury Manor is not quite the same, lacking as it does Orchard Park’s planned wealth of facilities, such as shops, schools, bus stops and even a post box or two; and being essentially a glorified housing estate.

Eynesbury Manor is not even the official name for the area, it is in fact just a district of St Neots – and then not until 2011 when the parish boundaries are redrawn. But the developers’ names for areas have a habit of sticking in St Neots, the Parklands area being the most notable example, and Love’s Farm being the most obvious – being built, as it is, on Love’s Farm. “It makes me chuckle a little bit,” said local property company Twiglet Homes marketing manager Ronald Lawrence. “Whenever someone builds a new estate – sorry, development – I come up with a pretty name to help flog it to people who have never visited the town. Some, such as Kingsmead (the Priory Park estate) do not stick, but most such as the Island and Eynesbury Manor do.

“Love’s Farm even looks set to become the official name for St Neots first new proper subdivision, which would be a bigger stroke of genius if I had actually made it up myself.”

But what monikor to slap on the much-maligned municipality, which in the past has been referred to variously as Eynesbury Floodplains and “What, they’re building underwater?” Eynesbury Riviera was mooted months ago by our own reporters, but new arrivals from out of town are adamant that the E-word is not acceptable – despite Eynesbury having been the original town upon which St Neots was founded.

“Well, I thought Eynesbury was a nice word when I bought my house off-plan,” said former Abingdon, Oxon resident Jean Batchworth, 53. “There was the added fun of guessing how to pronounce it – like Eye-ns-bury, Eensrough etc. Then I moved here and realised Eynesbury was looked upon as the ‘slightly dirty’ East side of town, and this is sure to drop the value of my townhouse which isn’t in town. Most upsetting.”

Most people questioned thought that a historical link would be appropriate, despite Eynesbury being a corruption of Ernulf’s Burgh, after the 12th century Bishop of Rochester. As we know, locals are wont to ignore this fact, rubbing the Bishop’s name into obscurity earlier this decade by changing the name of the local secondary school to something instantly forgettable.

“How about New Barford?” suggested June Harpendale, 39, formerly of Bolton, Lancs. “Sounds quite nice, and there’s that village nearby eh, Great Barford or Little Barford or summat.”

Town councillors immediately rubbished the idea. Steven van der Whitevandriverman, himself a long-serving Eastside resident, said “this is all bollocks. These people need to accept they have been sold a lie, and Eynesbury is not posh. Un fucking lucky mate, now, re-election yes? Good.”

The Citizen expects that in twenty years’ time, only people under the age of 30 now will remember the estate ever having had a name, especially since by this time it will mostly be sub-aqua anyway.