It appears that the unaccounted-for money, to the tune of a Rowley Million, has been put forward by a consortium made up of Bedfordshire Police and Cambridgeshire Constabulary.

Chief Inspector Kim Stonely-Bolton, from Cambs Police, released the following statement after presenting him with our findings.

“Cambs Police had help to co-fund this bridge with our colleagues over the border to help in our current campaign, ‘Operation Collar a Chav called Kevin’, or ‘CACK’. The St Neotian chav is not the brightest of the chav species inhabiting this island, and will always take the shortest, most direct route home after a bit of thieving, vandalism or fighting – not bothering to circuitously avoid the Rozzers at all.

“Regular trips into Little Barford to burn out a car prompted Beds Police to help in the bridge’s funding. Once on this highway we can easily pick them up at the other end.”

Mrs Moore from from Huddersfield, holidaying in the Eynesbury Camp Site, is not so convinced. “They will just run down the side of this lovely little camp site, ruining a good swinging session or an early night. The last thing we want is that blasted helicopter hanging over us”

Ex-councilor Julia Wayward thought the idea was “Excellent,” but added “Please don’t call me again. I only left the council so the Citizen would leave me alone.”

With the darker nights soon to be coming, it is expected the bridge will become busier by the day – once Darren and his mates have smashed all the lights, of course.

Recently I was forced to move to this wonderful town by my mother. At first I was apprehensive, but soon found my feet with my own kind, and set about hanging around on street corners in Eynesbury.

Imagine my horror when I wished to travel to the Westside of town, for the shoplifting opportunities offered by Tesco Express and One Stop, and found that the Chav Superhighway I had been told so much of before arriving here was still not fully finished! And there was I, hoping for fun and frolicks with the nearest be-tracksuited youth, under the light of the CCTV!

I fail, sir, to comprehend how a bridge that was installed three months ago, is still not accessible to those of us seeking alternative petty-crime perpetration spots. I trust your fine publication will investigate the matter post-haste!

Yours,

Chardonnay-Leigh, 14, Duck Lane

The infamous Leyland Cyprus hedge was planted behind Eynesbury Rovers’ football ground after neighbours complained that the club’s floodlights made it impossible to do anything at all in their houses, acting as a midnight sun.

Resident Jean Tate, 69, said that by 4pm the sun has disappeared, and “all you can see is hedge.”

Mrs Tate continued that “Eynesbury Rovers are doing shit-all to address our concerns. I’m fed up of living in semi-darkness the whole year round. They’d better act soon or I’ll just burn the fuckers down.”

Derek Steels, who has worked at volunteer-run Rovers since dinosaurs roamed the Earth, replied: “We’ve offered to chop a few feet off the top, but we’re not actually going to do it ‘cos we’re skint. Still the neighbours won’t stop complaining.

“Really, you can’t please some people. First it was too bright, because of the lights; now it’s too dark because of the hedges we’ve put up to block out the lights.”

It is thought that the club are looking into buying a large mirror to reflect some extra sunlight into back gardens in the road. “In the meantime,” said Steels, “they’ll just have to spend more time on the other side of the house.”

I have a dilemma. I have been offered my Dream Job. But the location is bound to cause a problem with my family and friends.

I got temporary work in a factory in Cromwell Road, It went really well, ending up being full time . The agency put me forward for a another job, I went to the interview and got it. I will be a supervisor at Lola Cars. This is my dream to be a supervisor. All my family are St Neots born and bred, live on the same street in the Eastside of town. If they can’t get work in St Neots they won’t work and proud of it. My friends always go to Huntingdon for a fight with the other lot.

This will tear them apart. Me working in Huntingdon. I fear my parents and friends will never speak to me again, always thinking I am better then them for not wanting to work in St Neots.

Please, what should I do?

Torn, Peter.

Dear Peter,

You may feel you are in a difficult situation.

But frankly you’re not. Its your Dream Job, go for it. If they don’t like it, fuck what they think. Do your best and achieve all that you can. Then when they’re still not talking to you rub their dirty little noses in it, buy a new house on Hinchingbrook Park or Loves Farm or even closer to home – Eynesbury Manor. Vote Tory, look at them like they are something on the bottom of your shoe and change your name to Tarquin.

The Citizen reported on the merger last month, with councillors Marcel and van der Whitevanman getting all excited about the prospect of ‘taking over’ their lazy counterparts in the other towns.

However, during discussions on what to call the new town, things turned ugly. “We’d previously agreed to call in St Huntingives,” said councillor Marcel, “despite having an underhanded scheme to leave the historical name of St Neots intact. After all, St Ives and Huntingdon are just made-up names as far as I’m concerned.”

Matters came to a head when Huntingdon councillor Susan Mulligatawny refused to sign an accord stating that the river Great Ouse, which runs through all three towns, belonged to the largest of the three alone. “Everyone has equal rights to this waterway,” said Mulligatawny, “and mayor Gordon Wicksteed has no right to demand a new tax for each litre flowing through Huntingdon. I told him to fuck off! His town doesn’t have ‘shire’ written after it does it?”

The group of St Neots councillors then walked out of negotiations. “They have no clue about how to behave when someone better than you is offering to take away your woes,” said cllr van der Whitevanman. “The only thing I’m worried about now is our cinema – we might actually have to build one, instead of just claiming that Huntingdons is in St Neots.”

Residents again had mixed emotions. “It’s a shame really,” said Andrew Morson of Avenue Road. “As a lover of gyratory systems, I was looking forward to improved access to the ring road. Now I guess that’s just another dream I’ll never realise.” Brenda McShaw, on the other hand, was delighted. “I moved to St Neots years ago to get away from the fucking Oxmoor,” said Ms. Mcshaw, who lives in Milton Avenue, “and I don’t want to be subsumed into some horrible soulless estate without even moving – thank you very much!”

The council said it was looking into alternative mergers, with Bedford and Cambourne considered likely targets. “There is however a town called Eynesbury in Australia,” said Terrence Dougall, “and if we can build some sort of rubber busway and claim it belongs to us we’ll all have much lovlier weather.” A team of councillors will visit this month on a nine-week jolly fact-finding mission and report back as soon as the sunburn dies down.

The rubbish bit of grass and hardcore-covered pathway, which includes a playground otherwise known as Friday nights’ second-best chav socialisation location, last week sprouted the name Wren Walk.

“I don’t know why they think this countryside-style alleyway needs a name,” said David Redrow, 40, whose house in ridiculously overcrowded Bevington Way overlooks the area. “I realise they’re building another estate – sorry, development – on the other side of this scrubby bit of turf, but are they actually going to build on it? They love to cram houses in these days but that’d really take the piss.”

Eynesbury councillor Paul Marcel explained that it was his impression that all walkways and alleys in the town were due to gain names, even though many of them are just hideaways for teen drinkers and the odd smackhead. This will be especially useful for the network of muddy tracks connecting to the Chav Superhighway.”

Indeed, the pricey bridge connecting Ernulf to Shakespeare Road is coming on a pace. “It still doesn’t have a name,” said councillor Marcel, “but I’m sure we’ll think of something completely inappropriate before it’s finished. The team which is coming up with roadnames for Love’s Farm, which likes to use the word ‘hill’ a lot to describe a minor slope, has been consulted and are working on it.”

Local court-botherer and Citizen reporter Benny T. Bean was delighted. “I’ve been planning to move into a tent for tax purposes,” he explained, “and now I’ll be able to actually have an address, by pitching on Wren Walk. Very excited.”

However, Flawn Way resident Jacob Paris said, “I don’t want to look out my window and see a fucking hippy encampment. It’s bad enough looking over the Chav Superhighway site and seeing the next generation of council-estate nippers being conceived.”

Eaton Ford, Eaton Socon and Eynesbury have at various times in the last twenty years gained nice wooden signs on their respective village greens. St Neots itself has a similar installation in rubbish set of steps Jubilee Gardens, behind Thomas Morris estate agents.

But newer sections of the town have no such denominational signage. “It’s a fucking disgrace,” said Bellend Hill resident Christopher Wall, 33. “I moved up from Essex to this luxury Eastside development and there’s no village sign. What’s that all about bruv? Once the developers move out and take their signs down, no-one will know this is Love’s Farm, and it’s just not on.”

However, councillors have sought to put uppity newcomers in their place. “The reason,” said Westside councillor King Cooper, “that these places do not have signs is that they are not actual areas of town – they’re housing estates! And not very good ones either. What next? A wooden sign for Duck Lane? Pfft.”

Councillor Oliver Barford, who represents Eaton Socon, said “I’m fucking sick of hearing about Julia Wayward, Paul Marcel, Terrence Dougall and Steve van der Whitevanman. It’s time I spoke up I think.”

Other relatively quiet councillors agreed. “I do my fair share of writing into the Town Crier complaining about council members from other parties,” said Priory Park councillor King Cooper, “but still I’m never mentioned. It’s just not on.”

Never a publication to shy away from criticism, St Neots Citizen Editor Tim C issued the following statement:

“We aim to give all councillors equal coverage in the Citizen. However, most of them never do anything newsworthy. We haven’t even heard from Larry Hackman since he won our prestigious award for moaning, complaining and cock-waving last year.”

“However I will endeavour to rectify the situation. Look out for a ‘meet the councillors’ feature very soon!”

Rozzers caused consternation in Cambridge when their new barely-working concept, which lists crime and anti-social behaviour street by street, named the city’s Peas Hill as one of the most crime-ridden streets in the whole country.

But closer to home, the town centre and Eynesbury – both located on St Neots’ Eastside – far overtook their westerly neighbours with well over 100 reported crimes in 2010, compared to around sixty in the Eatons.

“This is exactly the kind of image Eynesbury doesn’t need,” ranted Eynesbury councillor Steve van der Whitevanman. “How am I supposed to convince people that the Eastside is a wonderful place to live when this sort of thing is freely available on the internet?”

A closer look at the figures reveals that Eynesbury tops the charts for reports of anti-social behaviour, racking up more than the regular Friday-night fight club arena known as the Market Square. Inspector Kim Stonely-Bolton of Cambridgeshire police said that “this is mainly due to hoodie ASBO twats hanging around keying people’s cars and tagging their guinea pigs, although there were also higher incidences of other crimes this side of the river, such as relocating a goat without the proper permit, and youths failing to attend archery practise with the local vicar.”

Homeowners in “posh” Eynesbury Manor were shocked. “I’m heading straight to B&Q to buy a security gate for my front door and grills for my window,” said Jacqueline Fotherington of Stocker Way. “If we’re going to live in a fucking ghetto then it might as well look like one!” Indeed, the housing estate built on a floodplain and sold as prestige accommodation acts as a conduit for passing chavs as their smashed Stella bottles reach critical mass in one area and they are forced to move on. “Once this bridge opens,” said Fotherington, “it’ll be ten times worse, as we won’t even have the respite of the winter months where they don’t want to dirty their shiny white Lonsdale plimsolls.”

Businesses in the town centre were quick to refute claims that the area was more dangerous than Eaton Socon and, indeed, Beirut. “Clearly,” said Marion Barrett, of Barrett’s, “the real reason there is less reported crime in the Eatons is that by the time the ‘yoofs’ move over the river, it’s after eleven and the bizzies have gone home. Simple really.”

“Basically,” said Eynesbury activist Councillor Steve van der Whitevanman, “it’s a cable car across the Ouse. No point trying to dress up a brilliant idea like that!”

Miles, who has a history of ill-advised outbursts and is the only known sufferer of American Soap Syndrome, is said to have come up with the scheme to link Eynesbury with the Eatons after reading about a similar idea recently given the go ahead by London mayor Boris Johnson. “I can’t see why anyone would want to go to Greenwich,” said Miles, “but seemingly there is massive support for a cable car linking two shitholes across a river – so why not?”

Ignoring for a moment the fact that our capital city attracts hundreds of thousands of tourists a year, and that Greenwich alone has a population many times that of St Neots and is undergoing extensive redevelopment, he continued that “a cable car will be loads more interesting than a fucking bridge. People will come from miles – ha ha – around to travel on the system which will run from Shakespeare Road to Barford Road, taking approximately nine minutes. We’ll charge three quid a go, and it’ll be paid for in no time!”

People using the new transport link would have an uninterrupted view as far as the Little Barford power station and Tesco to the south, and Little Paxton sluice to the north. It is thought that within minutes of the scheme being made public a badly-punctuated Facebook group will spring up, attracting around seven members which the national press will seize upon as “unprecedented support”.

Miles was said to have arranged a meeting with Johnson on Monday to discuss the possibility of switching his cable car for St Neots’ long-awaited bridge. No-one at the Mayor of London’s office was available for comment.