Cllr vn der Whitevanman has a long-standing history with fences after campaigning tirelessly for a new one at the Cambridge Street / Sandfields Road junction last year.

Now the councillor hopes to win votes by replacing the fences of residents in his ward. “It’s a lovely idea,” said Eynesbury Green resident Betty Giro, 77. “Our garden fence is a bloody eyesore, and if we can get a new one without having to bother about paying for it ourselves, then I’m all for it.”

However, plans to exclude West Side residents have angered opponents Paul Marcel and award-winning Larry Hackman. “Well fucking out of order,” squawked Marcel. “Whitevanman needs to remember that a) people live on the other side of the river, and 2) they are part of this town as well!”

Indeed, the East-West divide has been growing recently as councillors push for facilities for their ward only, completely discounting those fortunate enough to live elsewhere. “It’s a bloody disgrace,” said Eaton Ford man Brian Kendall, 41. “All we hear is how Eynesbury is deprived and they need a community centre and some new fences – meanwhile, the nice end of town is going downhill cos the police have scared all their bloody chavscum over here! Van der Whitevanman really only needs to build one fence – a fucking great ten-foot-high one down the middle of the park!”

“I think that’s a bit extreme,” said former council leader Derek Miles today. “But I do think some people need to remember what the ‘town’ bit of town councillor means, eh; I mean these young ‘uns today…”

“My house is cracking up,” said Burnt Close resident Sarah Camistic, “and if it goes on much longer I will be too.”

“It’s blatantly the fault of them scientists,” said Eaton Socon man Max Speed. “There’s probably a black hole underneath Eynesbury, which is ever so slowly, imperceptably shrinking all the houses.

“Of course, cement and bricks don’t like being shrunk, so they’re falling to pieces instead.”

Long-suffering CERN spokesman Guillaume la Trec said in an email to the Citizen that he refused to believe the LHC had anything to do with the houses in Eynesbury sinking, and maybe if we had got French builders to build them they would be better quality. “That’s as maybe,” retorted Camistic, “but we’d still be waiting for them to finish their thirtieth Gauloise of the day, and thirty years on we’d barely have foundations.”

Local geologist Garph Jonas, 27, offered another explanation for the phenomenon. “I reckon there’s some massive stone-age caves under Eynesbury, or possibly a mass grave for plague victims from Huntingdon. We should probably knock all the houses down on a whim to check.”

In other news, the Citizen reported this story without speaking to any councillors. Well done us.

In fact, commenters on a local web forum were today at a loss to describe the person who has only been described in the news as “a man, or woman, between the ages of 15 and 50.” The alledged Nova-driving dole queue chav has been banned from entering the Duck Lane estate for two years following complaints by residents.

Police have asked locals to keep their eyes peeled, and report any presence on the estate of the ethereal knock-off Fred Perry wearer immediately.

Since he, she or it cannot actually be identified, police have asked residents not to call in but to use Facebook instead, to accuse whoever walks onto the estate swigging a can of Stella of being the elusive “Eastside Stalker”.

A spokesman said if the person is correctly identified, police will “like” the appropriate photo, which will warn others to stay extra vigilant. “Facebook vigilantism is the future of policing,” said St Neots police station’s cleaner. “It means we can get the public involved and have a legitimate excuse for being on various social networking sites during work hours. And it won’t cost us a bean.”

For once, not a single councillor was available to comment. We tried to reach councillor Dougall, but he refused to answer the phone for fear of breaking his own restraining order.

The councillor, who cannot be named, pleaded guilty to one case of thinking for himself and another two counts of harassment by dangerous thinking.

The charges were brought against him after a number of incidents in the Whitehall Walk and Duck Lane areas of Eynesbury in October last year.

The restraining order prevents him from entering into any illogical thought process for two years. Although saved from a 4 month prison sentence, any breach of the order and self-thinking without supervision will see the councillor removed from the area. The councillor was also ordered to remove any public admission of self-thinking and his profile on a local interweb forum has been altered accordingly.

Sandy Roxton, from the Eynesbury neighbourhood watch scheme, said: “This decision to curtail unpleasant incidents of anti-social self-thinking, at least in public, should send a strong message to any other wannabe’s trying to get their name in the paper.”

Councillor Terrence Dougall said “It’s good to see that an individual who caused a lot of grief to the residents of Eynesbury has been dealt with. Has anyone got a spare bed?”

Bertrand Russell was unavailable for comment.

A team of local ghost hunters were claiming to have seen an apparition of the late Fred Dibnah after a séance at the recently vacated ATS site on Brook Street.

The team had been called in by local historian Henry Tibbut and Town Councillor Steve van de whitevanman to investigate the historical significance of the site.

Local paranormal expert Eve Fielder had set up equipment to trap any unsuspecting spectres on the site and had been on site for several hours when members of the team noticed the faint smell of a steam engine. A small figure of a man dressed in Victorian clothes with a greasy flat cap, glasses and a packet of woodbines was seen floating near the now famous chimney.

“We were all scared shitless,” commented Fielder. “It was only when someone recognised it as the late chimney blasting Lancastrian that we drew a sigh of relief, realising it was nothing evil.”

However, Cllr Van de Whitevanman was concerned when the Citizen caught up with him yesterday while polishing his new Cambridge Street fence.

“Ghost or no ghost, if that little bastard thinks he’s going to set fire to tyres and pallets round that chimney he’s got another think coming,” he commented. “We’ve been trying to protect that chimney and get it listed. We don’t want it listing because some northern twat thinks he can collapse it with a bonfire and an air horn.”

Local residents were also concerned when they heard, due to the close proximity of their houses and the height of the chimney. Long time resident of St Mary’s Street Mr Roland E Odorant said he would be boarding up his windows if Dibnah was back.

Concerns were also raised by local traders worried that a ghost could demolish the chimney stack. Barry Chuckle said, “My wife and I are big Patrick Swayze fans and we both saw what he learned to do in the film Ghost, imagine the havoc a crazed blaster like Dibnah could wreak.”

Last night further investigations were being carried out and the Vicar was on standby for an exorcism if required. Derek Acorah could not be contacted by phone or medium.

© st-neots.co.uk

Not wishing to be associated with the notorious North Cambridge estate, a resident’s group on the new site, sandwiched between Kings Hedges and the A14, managed to lobby the City Council to officially name the new area “Orchard Park”.

Eynesbury Manor is not quite the same, lacking as it does Orchard Park’s planned wealth of facilities, such as shops, schools, bus stops and even a post box or two; and being essentially a glorified housing estate.

Eynesbury Manor is not even the official name for the area, it is in fact just a district of St Neots – and then not until 2011 when the parish boundaries are redrawn. But the developers’ names for areas have a habit of sticking in St Neots, the Parklands area being the most notable example, and Love’s Farm being the most obvious – being built, as it is, on Love’s Farm. “It makes me chuckle a little bit,” said local property company Twiglet Homes marketing manager Ronald Lawrence. “Whenever someone builds a new estate – sorry, development – I come up with a pretty name to help flog it to people who have never visited the town. Some, such as Kingsmead (the Priory Park estate) do not stick, but most such as the Island and Eynesbury Manor do.

“Love’s Farm even looks set to become the official name for St Neots first new proper subdivision, which would be a bigger stroke of genius if I had actually made it up myself.”

But what monikor to slap on the much-maligned municipality, which in the past has been referred to variously as Eynesbury Floodplains and “What, they’re building underwater?” Eynesbury Riviera was mooted months ago by our own reporters, but new arrivals from out of town are adamant that the E-word is not acceptable – despite Eynesbury having been the original town upon which St Neots was founded.

“Well, I thought Eynesbury was a nice word when I bought my house off-plan,” said former Abingdon, Oxon resident Jean Batchworth, 53. “There was the added fun of guessing how to pronounce it – like Eye-ns-bury, Eensrough etc. Then I moved here and realised Eynesbury was looked upon as the ‘slightly dirty’ East side of town, and this is sure to drop the value of my townhouse which isn’t in town. Most upsetting.”

Most people questioned thought that a historical link would be appropriate, despite Eynesbury being a corruption of Ernulf’s Burgh, after the 12th century Bishop of Rochester. As we know, locals are wont to ignore this fact, rubbing the Bishop’s name into obscurity earlier this decade by changing the name of the local secondary school to something instantly forgettable.

“How about New Barford?” suggested June Harpendale, 39, formerly of Bolton, Lancs. “Sounds quite nice, and there’s that village nearby eh, Great Barford or Little Barford or summat.”

Town councillors immediately rubbished the idea. Steven van der Whitevandriverman, himself a long-serving Eastside resident, said “this is all bollocks. These people need to accept they have been sold a lie, and Eynesbury is not posh. Un fucking lucky mate, now, re-election yes? Good.”

The Citizen expects that in twenty years’ time, only people under the age of 30 now will remember the estate ever having had a name, especially since by this time it will mostly be sub-aqua anyway.

Local resident pulls a scary "I'm Angry" face

Number one on your hitlist is still the debacle over the St Neots cinema. Despite the fact that cinemas are run by private businesses, not local councils, the general population is still insisting that our represntatives “give us something for a change instead of Huntingdon”.

“Piss take innit,” rambled Eynesbury man Darren Durban, 19, of the Broadwalk. “I can’t drive to Huntingdon to go to see the new Disney, erm, I mean, Tarantino film because I haven’t passed my test, so that to me says a cinema in St Neots would make loads of cash.

“I appreciate councils don’t normally run these sorts of enterprises but maybe they could use profits to offset the frankly ridiculous amounts of council tax my benefits pay each month.”

Also on the Eastside is the hotly-contested issue of what to do with the £70,000 up for grabs in association with slum landlords Luminus.

The Voice Your Choice event, in association with Eynesbury Neighbourhood Management Committee (ENMAC) is asking for suggestions from Eastside residents, so our intrepid reporter A.J. Oke ventured into the badlands to find out, as they say, “wha gwan”.

Taylor Woodrow, 13, from Duck Lane, said that her and her friends “would love mobile charging points at bus stops, so we can play tinny R&B sounds through our rubbish speakers while our boyfriends smash the fuck out of the shelters.” Dave Darko of Andrew Road, meanwhile, thought the £70k would be better spent on “somewhere we can buy cheap WKD an’ that yeah innit bruv.”

Continuing the theme of council cash being used for things it shouldn’t, Jerry and Pauline Meghane, of Sandfields Road, suggested “somewhere we can palm the kids off to would be nice, so we can watch Jeremy Kyle in peace,” while neighbour Kev Stevenson, 19, suggested “more bike racks, as the last one I ‘found’ had a buckled wheel innit.”

Hattie Jackson, 50, of Ream Close said that she couldn’t possibly get involved as she is “from Eynesbury Manor, darling, certainly not Eynesbury,” while finally Emily Banks-Banks, 20, of Eaton Ford chipped in “£70 grand? Is Eynesbury being rebuilt then?”

Finally, the town’s planned super-surgery came under the spotlight again as Malling Health was granted planning permission to use the long-empty Rosebys store, on Moores Walk, as a late-night doctors emporium.

“It’s shite is what it is,” said Toseland resident James Newlyn, 59. “I’ll have to drive into St Neots to see a doctor, I mean really it is too much.”

Also conveniently forgetting that most villages have no doctors anyway, Duloe woman Patricia Benetar, 48, said “if my fucking leg drops off I’m not waiting for an ambulance, my doctor must be local so I can call on him – or her, I suppose there are female doctors nowadays – any time.”

“We feel everyone has missed the point,” said NHS spokesman Phillip Morris Marlboro. “The super surgery is an EXTRA surgery, we aren’t amalgamating all the existing doctors into it. Although if everyone keeps pissing and moaning about it, frankly that might be a good idea.”

Interviews by AJ Oke and Citizen Editor

From then on it was difficult to tell which was derelict property and which had been torched by the fire. Council Surveyor Lars Gasp (67) said, “So many houses round here look condemned it was more cost effective for us to declare the whole area derelict than try and repair any damage.” He added, “So that’s cocked-up the councils plan for providing more houses, we added 1200 at Love’s Farm only to lose the same amount from Eynesbury.”

Those responsible have still not been caught by the police. In fact The Citizen understands that Cambridgeshire Constabulary’s full compliment of Officers is currently involved in a series of evening meetings with the public and local councillors dedicated to understanding the reasons why chavs set fire to wheelie bins. This means that any reports of crime will not be responded to or investigated until early next week, just after elevenses on Monday.

Illustrious Oi! magazine editor Thundopolus P. Staker, 46, said, “This is bloody fuck-in stupid, we love our chavs but burning the whole place down? What a bunch of knob-heads!”

Earlier this week an Inter-City train was not set on fire when two local chavs failed to light a petrol bomb before launching it. Police were unable to respond in that instance due to the fact that the whole of the workforce had been involved in a community liaison exercise getting to know pets of the area.

Local Inspector Perry Grafham commented, “This new wave of arson where the criminals actually set fire to stuff is very worrying, normally we don’t have to do anything because they’ve been daft enough to not bring matches. This represents a whole new problem and one that we will have difficulty resourcing in the current climate.”

Fireman Sam was on holiday and unavailable for comment.

Recent advertisements for an event Ernulf this weekend say that “Eynesbury is on the up and local residents, with support from Luminus Group, are staging a day of fun and information for residents to find out what’s changing in the area and how to get involved.”

This fuelled speculation in the area that, as much of Eynesbury is prone to flooding, the housing association was planning to raise all the houses in the area by three inches using hydraulic piles, or stilts, in a similar style to the canalside buildings of Amsterdam.

The 2004 film, starring Brad Pitt, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Julia Roberts and the late Bernie Mac, among others, centred around the theft of the worlds oldest stock certificate and part of this plan involved raising an entire building by adjusting its underwater piles.

“It’s utter tosh,” said Deputy Town Mayor cllr Alan Runnings. “We mean Eynesbury is on the up in a social and metaphorical sense, not literally on the up.”

“Bugger,” said Caldecote Road resident Mary Lugden, 42. “I was looking forward to seeing George Clooney and his mob crawling around under my house. I’ll have to stick to repeats of ER on More 4 in the middle of the day.”

Councillors are eagerly packing their bags for the inaugural exchange visit, however the French contingent were apparently slightly less eager to board the plane. A representative of the local gendarmerie said, “We ‘ad to use ze, ‘ow you say, cattle prods.”

Meanwhile at the St Neots international airbus stop our boys boarded the CU2 service
“When are you coming back?” asked one enthusiastic Eynesbury citizen. “Maybe” came the grinning reply, their places at the Martini Lodge Hotel waiting.

In Eynesbury, local residents had been asked to “put up” the French contingent for a few days. Gary and Sharon Gobbit, of Naseby Gardens, said their visitor was welcome to the spare room but “weren’t getting no funny food.”

Wayne and Sandra Rollup said, “It should make I’m feel at home here, If you look out the window you can see a boat down the marina.”

In the town centre, the “Franch Styled” Bistro de la Gare was preparing a special menu to greet our guests, including “Coq au Vin cooked in wine” and “Pear Conde with Rice”.

There will be something in the town square with flags on Tuesday, but nobody is quite sure what yet.

Story by PW