Local teens and timewasting office workers were at a loss as the social network announced that accounts were unavailable due to a site issue.

“I didn’t know what to do,” said Chantelle Roxette, 15, of Sandfields Road. “I wanted to chat to my mates Chanelle and Chardonnay about what they’d done in the fifteen minutes since I saw them in town, and couldn’t. How am I expected to communicate without Facebook?”

Local unemployed accounts payable supervisor Craig Errens, 24, managed to come up with an alternative. “I remembered that a couple of years ago we had email,” said Errens, who works part time as a cultural icon. “So I powered that up and did some work.”

It is estimated that productivity across the UK increased 32.7% during the outage.

Speaking at a conference held in Longsands’ Ritchie Hall, attended by approximately nine other people, Zuckervoss unveiled his “Faxbook” concept to the waiting press.

“Faxbook will revolutionise the world of social networking, which for too long has been dominated by people like Facebook and MySpace – all of whom, you’ll notice, are based on the internet.”

Working from an idea seen in Back To The Future II, in which Michael J. Fox’s character travels forward to 2015 – now only four years away – Zuckervoss based Faxbook around having a fax machine in every room – including the toilet. “That scene where McFly gets fired, and it comes up on every printer in the house, is perfect!” he said.

Clover Office Supplies were said to be stocking up on fax paper ready for the launch. “You’re not tied down like with Facebook,” said Zuckervoss’s associate Cameron Winkelburg. “If you want to change the layout, fine – just go ahead and do it on the paper before you hit send. To private message someone, you write ‘private’ at the top – what could be easier? I’m sure if it says that, no-one else will read it.”

The system will be funded by a series of adverts which users will need to print off before they can receive their friends’ messages, which they will be able to attach to any wall they choose using selotape – although Faxbook recommends Blu-Tak. A spokesman for Greenpeace said, “Faxbook will be a fucking disaster as sales of fax paper rise to pre-2000 levels. It’s an environmental disaster in the making.” The founders, however, refute this claim. “Think how much electricity people will save not being constantly connected to the web!” replied Winkelburg, forgetting for a moment that the redundant technology the network is based on also uses power and telephone capacity.

If successful, a mobile version of Faxbook, allowing users to receive posts using a receipt printer connected by Bluetooth to their mobile, will be rolled out next year.

The group, which has the “tremendous support” of around 2,500 members and spells the town name incorrectly, has been cited in local and national papers as proof that the population of St Neots are being let down by the repeated failure of the Council to interest a cinema operator enough to actually build one in the town.

Councillors were keen to gloss over the fact that many of the group members were in fact not in favour of a cinema, and most of the ones that were had an average age of thirteen. “If Facebook says it, it must be true!” stated cllr Paul Marcel, 42, having just stated that the group “Paul Marcel has six toes” was based in fiction.

“Basically,” continued the councillor, “we can set up Facebook groups with the town’s name in, and people will join regardless. Then we can claim this is support for the idea, whatever it is, and get it pushed through.”

Lib Dem Steven van der Whitevanman said “People’ll join any group. Honestly! Look how many people think that if they join a certain group some bloke’ll call his as-yet-unborn son Batman. Or get Facebook to change back to the old layout – which is slightly less likely than St Neots ever having a cinema. Perfect!”

Local “new media” consultant Nathan Hoxton said, “This is a fucking great idea. But the councillors need to remember that group names are always spelled and punctuated in a terrible fashion.” He cited the group “I hate facbook groops with horid Speling” as an example. “I don’t think they’ll have any problems posing questions as statements, though, as long as they get councillor Dougall to set them up.”

St Neots-oriented Facebook groups have previously included “Let’s shoot the chav scum that stamped on that puppy’s head that time” with 42,665 members, and “St Neots occasionally smells faintly of eggs”, with over one million.

The Citizen expects to sign in later this week to find invitations to join groups ranging from “Should St Neots High Street be payntid pink” to “Lets have more takeaways in the hi St”, not forgetting “Honestly, guys, the old fire station site IS big enough for a cinema, three restaurants and a car park!”

Thousands of users got very upset when the site made using the new layout compulsory, when previously they could switch back to their preferred “old” layout.

The situation took a sinister turn in October when members began blaming the new Facebook, or TNFB, on all of life’s woes. Among the issues for which TNFB has been cited are the credit crunch; the technical error in the Large Hadron Collider which prevented us from knowing the answer to life, the universe and everything; annexing the Sudetendland; shooting Bambi’s mum and various rapes, murders and sex crimes.

Now, Westside residents have pointed the finger firmly at TNFB for the destruction of the historic Bell. Conveniently forgetting that the pub has been shut for some time, Great North Road resident Hayley Berry, 31, said “Where exactly am i supposed to drink now? i suppose it will have to be Brewsters with all them snot-nosed brats running around.”

Berry went on, “Clearly the new Facebook is to blame for the vanishing into a black hole of this once great watering hole.”

At the mention of black holes, the Citizen of course contacted CERN, whose Big Bang machine is reputed to be in a cave underneath St Neots. Spokesman Guillaume la Trec said that the Expert Scientists had looked into the problem and the LHC was certainly not to blame. “It is true a black ‘ole appeared and swallowed up zis public ‘ouse,” said la Trec, “but it was in fact just a large puddle of Guinness which ‘ad been disposed of over ze years in ze Bell.”

One internet commenter said, “First!”. Another said, “I don’t think TNFB knocked the pub down, but it is definitely planning to sell us greasy mechanically-recovered meat from the site, as well as providing a new destination for chavs and boy racers. I think it’s called Fried Chicken of kentucky or something.”

The New Facebook was unavailable for comment.