For several years this vast ugly warehouse has been empty blighting the landscape for miles around. It has been suggested as a new cinema, a youth club, a storage facility for councillors egos or even a distribution centre.
The Citizen can now exclusively reveal that it will become a chicken farm and processing plant to supply the nearby successful KFC using a new breed of chicken to keep up with soaring demand.

KFC Chief Executive Officer Mr Colin Sanders contacted the Citizen with the news. “It seems people in St Neots just love shit food and we can’t keep up. To save carbon emissions and provide local jobs, we will be breeding and processing our new breed of chicken the Kentucky Fried Chicken Chicken (Latinus Humourous) on site.”

He went on, “A full grown bird has been known to sport 180 legs, none of which it uses for walking. The chicken habitually makes its home 50 yards away from the nearest KFC or MacDonalds. It eats carrots and whitewash, which it regurgitates into small red and white plastic containers. It also shits bar-b-que beans. It likes to keep warm by rolling in breadcrumbs and makes its nest in boiling fat.”

“Research suggests that the dead bird gives off toxic fumes which can cause acne and a propensity to hang out in old cars playing loud dance music and litter the surrounding area.”

Local councillor and Leader of the Town Council Julia Wayward commented, “This is very exciting indeed and a good example of how this fine restaurant has lead to local jobs for local people. The council has employed 20 extra staff just to pick all the bloody litter up and people will finally stop thinking it’s going to be a cinema.”

Residents opinions were said to be mixed. Local eco warrior Dave Angel was furious: “If it isn’t bad enough listening to Dizzy Rascal, picking up litter and smelling of old chip fat, now I hear the place will smell of chicken shit, bloody marvellous.”

St Neots “rude boy” Marly T. Murphy failed to engage brain before mouth, and leaked the following badly-spelled statement onto the otherwise pristine St Neots forum: “weve got a kfc why havnt we got a mc donalds in the town yet,this place needs to get with it and get some decent shops like next and that.does anyone agree”

Forum regulars – otherwise known mostly as normal people – were taken aback by the outburst. The Citizen’s associate Oi!! Magazine editor, Mr Thundopalous P. Staker, esq., said, “It made my fucking eyes bleed reading that.

“We’re all used to the occasional new chav learning how to navigate away from Bebo and vomiting the contents of their feeble brain all over our local sites, but this really took the piss.”

Other regulars pointed out to Mr Murphy that perhaps McDonalds could not exactly be classed as a “decent shop”, to which he replied “ruavegie mate mcdsissoooogood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” The Citizen’s translators were completely lost at this point, but think that “ruavegie” roughly tanslates as “please help me, I am far too daft to be allowed to walk the streets and therefore must consume my own body-weight in mechanically-recovered meat until I can no longer leave the house.”

However at this point Mr Murphy went quiet. It is thought the 1-key came off his keyboard and the thought of a post without exclaimation marks drove him to take his own worthless Burberry-clad life.

Thousands of users got very upset when the site made using the new layout compulsory, when previously they could switch back to their preferred “old” layout.

The situation took a sinister turn in October when members began blaming the new Facebook, or TNFB, on all of life’s woes. Among the issues for which TNFB has been cited are the credit crunch; the technical error in the Large Hadron Collider which prevented us from knowing the answer to life, the universe and everything; annexing the Sudetendland; shooting Bambi’s mum and various rapes, murders and sex crimes.

Now, Westside residents have pointed the finger firmly at TNFB for the destruction of the historic Bell. Conveniently forgetting that the pub has been shut for some time, Great North Road resident Hayley Berry, 31, said “Where exactly am i supposed to drink now? i suppose it will have to be Brewsters with all them snot-nosed brats running around.”

Berry went on, “Clearly the new Facebook is to blame for the vanishing into a black hole of this once great watering hole.”

At the mention of black holes, the Citizen of course contacted CERN, whose Big Bang machine is reputed to be in a cave underneath St Neots. Spokesman Guillaume la Trec said that the Expert Scientists had looked into the problem and the LHC was certainly not to blame. “It is true a black ‘ole appeared and swallowed up zis public ‘ouse,” said la Trec, “but it was in fact just a large puddle of Guinness which ‘ad been disposed of over ze years in ze Bell.”

One internet commenter said, “First!”. Another said, “I don’t think TNFB knocked the pub down, but it is definitely planning to sell us greasy mechanically-recovered meat from the site, as well as providing a new destination for chavs and boy racers. I think it’s called Fried Chicken of kentucky or something.”

The New Facebook was unavailable for comment.

What had actually been spotted was a Small Colander Divider (SCD) in the latest Bettaware catalogue. Used to separate peas and sweet corn when being heated, this revolutionary product allows Particle Physicists the luxury of cooking both at the same time without risking the potentially devastating collision of these two highly volatile legumes.

Some experts believe that even the action of stirring these two tea-favourites in a saucepan could result in 5mph accelerated collision and the instant formation of a “yellowy-green hole”. This spectacular natural phenomenon could mean the destruction of literally 2 or 3 pinnys or at least an extra hot wash with Cillit Bang.

Local inventor Bark Maddingly who came up with the idea of the SCD suggested that his machine would either confirm or deny the existence of the “Chips Frozen” or “Cod particle”. This hypothesised particle appears for only an instant after the collision and could well throw the whole theory of whether fish, chips and peas should have sweetcorn on the plate.

Former Den Dragon Titus A. Duxarrs commented “What a load of crap; these two veggies should always be mixed so I won’t be investing, I’m out”

He was backed up by local celebrity chef Oliver Jammy who said, “You jus can’t rule out mixing fings together, iss da futchar; I’ve been puttin all manner of stuff in them Wybo Big Max for years and no one’s moaned.”

Professor Steven Hawkings was unavailable for any understandable comment.

Dale E. Goszyp, of the St Neots Chinese Whispers Distribution Depot, said, “We’ve been perpetuating this rumour for years, and decided it was time to start it up again. Previous evidence has shown that if we repeat a rumour or theory for long enough, it will eventually come true.”

Ask any resident and you can often pick up the same gossip from many unconnected sources. Long-running rumours in the town, along with the KFC arrival, include Asda moving into the empty warehouse at Alpha Park and the High Street being pedestrianised – both of which are based entirely in fiction.

However, says Goszyp, not all rumours circulated by his secretive company are unfounded. “We told St Neots about Subway years before it opened, and Domino’s Pizza. We also correctly predicted the Handyman shutting down and are usually accurate with our predictions of opticians and estate agents moving into new-build empty shops.”

Eynesbury Riviera residents weren’t so sure. “Didn’t they tell us we’d be constantly flooded out?” asked Flawn Way homeowner Joyce Bergernstein. “I’ve certainly never woken up to find my cat floating down the garden path.” When the Citizen pointed out the river water swirling around her ankles she stated, “That’s just a water feature. I got the idea from Charlie Dimmock. Now where did I put my scuba gear? I need to go into my garage…”

Goszyp said that rumours and Chinese Whispers were at an all time high at the moment. Town Council leader Derek Miles said that, “It does look like KFC have put a planning application in for the Bell, which will mean the loss of yet another pub but a great opportunity to stuff your veins with cholestoral from reformed spicy chicken.” Paul Marcel was quick to point out that “Miles doesn;t have a clue. No pubs have closed down in St Neots for at least five minutes, and the Bell’s been shut for years.”

Wyboston residents were also said to be happy about the proposals. Frankie Gadsdizzle, 23, who lives in the village said, “USA Chicken’s a fuck of a long walk when you’re stoned and need some grease.” Reports that a cinema would be built next door were found to be completely untrue.