Cambridgeshire announced the scheme today via local rag the Cambridge Evening News, which is published in the morning. “The county council can no longer afford to reduce speed limits,” said a spokesman, ” and seeing as people seem to think that changing the limit will actually stop people breaking it… well, why not let them have a go then?”

Julia Wayward was incensed. “It’s a bit daft to say the least,” she commented. “You know how awkward people in St Neots are. We’ve already had people in Monarch Road making applications for speed limits between 5mph and seventy, on different sections of the road.”

High Street traders were similarly unimpressed. “I seriously doubt we all want the same speed limit,” said Andrez Superturk of the Hotspot Chicken and Pizza takeaway. “I would like to see a blanket 60mph zone in the town centre so that our delivery drivers can get where they need to go fast. Other shops rely on passing trade, so would like motorists to crawl past at three miles an hour. Clearly these wishes aren’t compatible.”

The idea was not without it’s proponents, however. Cllr Jonathan Chatsworth, who represents Histon and Impington near Cambridge, commented that “This is a marvellous idea. The council receives £20m a year for highways and the suchlike, and by outsourcing all the costs to whiny residents who actually want the speeds changing, will be able to continue to provide all councillors with these nice gel rollerball pens, instead of switching to cheap orange Bics. Hurrah.”

Chris Green, 40, who runs the franchise which is owned by the Barometer Group, said that the fast-food outlet was providing “full-circle” services to patients.

“We support the NHS in a number of ways,” said Green. “First of all, we keep cardiac services open by making sure they are not under-used. Secondly, our location in the food court means that sufferers of miocardial infarctions can be back in A&E within two minutes of that next attack.”

Hospital bosses had demanded that Green’s franchise not be renewed, replacing it instead with a salad bar outlet when the shopping-centre-style food court is renovated this year.

However, spokesman Mike Primark said that they were now reviewing this “short-sighted” decision. “We’d never considered before how Burger King indirectly bring much-needed funds into Addenbrookes and doomed cardiac sister hospital Papworth, by making sure all coronary care facilities are well used at all times,” he said.

“Clearly, eating a 1,500-calorie Double XL Bacon Cheeseburger meal when recovering from a heart attack is going to have you back in the CCU before you can say pass the ketchup. This is good for everyone as it protects vital services from closure and maintains the jobs of literally tens of nurses.”

Heart attack victims were unsure of the plan to maintain the gastronomical status-quo. “I’ve had four heart attacks and two triple heart bypasses,” said 38-stone trucker Maurice Dunn, 43, of nearby Babraham. “It was eating burgers that got me this fucking fat and it was definitely not my fault. To allow them to continue selling me my four daily Whopper meals is just plain irresponsible.”

Dunn explained that Addenbrookes Concourse became the nearest place for him to eat after he became too large to fit into his own kitchen. There are many other options for sustenance within the hospital, but BK is nearest the doors.

“If they don’t shut BK down, I’ll definitely sue.”

The group, which owns Market Square Café and Hotspot Chicken, has hit back at whinges by Neotians that the only non-fast-food options in town are Il Girasole, the Priory and the Weeping Gash.

“We have worked very hard,” said spokesman Sammy Constantinople, “to provide quality eats for locals over the years. If you’ve eaten a kebab in the Neots we’ve probably owned the shop at some point, and now we run two of the finest outlets in town.”

Indeed, the chicken emporium, which opened last year in the former High Street bakery location, is widely regarded as the best chicken in town – challenged only by USA Chicken and the Westside’s KFC.

However, efforts to open a Turkish restaurant, the Bosphorous, in the former Audio-Vision store opposite Steve’s Taxis, have fallen rather flat. “They put up an Opening Soon sign,” said South Street neighbour Jimmy Stash, 32, “but nothing much has happened since. It’s a shame, I was all excited about eating a kebab whilst sitting at an actual table, rather than stumbling down the High Street spilling chilli sauce everywhere.”

“The reason for the delay,” says Constantinople, “is that due to the recession not enough people are turning up to spend £5.20 on a breakfast that’d easily feed three in the Market Square Café, and only when pissed do they spend enough on our wonderful fried chicken.

“If people want the opportunity to eat non-junk food, they are going to have to start eating more junk food.”

A report in the national press today explains that some people are missing a subunit of a receptor that tells them when they have had enough nicotine, making them born smokers.

But in a typical misappropriation of the research, locals have seized on the report as a way of explaining addiction to absolutely anything.

“This is brilliant,” said local crack-fiend Hans Usborne. “Now I can do all the crack I want, and blame it on a faulty crack receptor. I fucking love crack!” 29 stone mum Sharon Corrigan, 43, of Field Cottage Road, agreed. “I finally know why I feel the need to eat a bucket of fried chicken every single day – my chicken receptor is all to cock!”

Local health chiefs were disgusted by the news. NHS spokesman Mike Primark said “This is completely irresponsible. The research was only on nicotine, so yes, the town’s thousands of smokers do have a potential reason for their continuing need to spend £6.85 a day on their precious Marlboro Lights. But it by no means affects everyone, and certainly doesn’t extend to any other drug or addiction – unless people are mixing nicotine into chocolate then the fatties have no excuse.”

Local high-end chocolate manufacturers B&B Chocolat said development of a 70% cocoa bar with 0.5mg nicotine was underway. “If people are going to explain away their addictions to cocaine, weed, pills, meth, m-cat, MDMA, skag, angel dust, alphabetti-spaghetti, PCP, BZP, AZT, temazapam, diazepan, ketamine and a list of drugs no-one’s thought of yet, as well as burgers, chicken, kebabs, tea, coffee, Red Bull, Fosters, Smirnoff, Wham bars, sandwiches, supercider, Special Brew, Lottery scratchcards, lighter fluid, overpriced French bottled water, Sara Lee gateaux, flapjacks, curry, pizza, special-fried rice and fucking Lambrini – then why shouldn’t they have a lovely high-quality luxury snack to be addicted to as well?” said a spokesman.

“Deep-fried food is, as the Citizen reported last week, a growth sector for St Neots for this decade,” said former mayor Paul Marcel, “and we want to ensure Neotians that there will always be at least seventeen places to buy saveloys within a five-minute walk of the Market Square.”

Plans for the new facility, which will be built on seven car parking spaces in Cambridge Street but somehow still have room for eight screens, are coming on a pace according to councillor Steve van der Whitevanman. “It’s brilliant, we’ve had loads of support for this doomed commercial venture, and I’ve been able to distract myself from doing actual council-related work for a good year now!”

As supporters of the cinema further lose their grip on reality, it is thought that the as-yet-operatorless picture house will provide fridges, freezers and lockers for customers to store their purchases if they happen to decide to see a film whilst out shopping. “That’s shit isn’t it,” said local man Charles Chalky, 30, of Milton Avenue. “Might as well put it next to Tesco unless you’re going to show films about drinking and buying houses. Oh, and chips.”

Local bookmakers William Cliff last night increased the odds of a multiplex opening in St Neots ever to 983/1. As of close of business, no bets had been placed.

We at The Citizen know how hard it can be to miss out on a shag because the waiter arrives at the table with a big bogey hanging on his top lip. We’ve taken a bloody good look at all aspects of our local restaurants, from service through to cost, and sent our reporters into the field to stuff themselves stupid.

After many weeks of exhaustive research, and using a combination of 30 years experience of eating anything and everything coupled with comments from a well known local forum, The Citizen presents its comprehensive and unique  St Neots restaurant guide:

The Giraffes Arsehole – That’s shit.

The Gash – That’s shit (and busy).

Big Florence – That’s shit.

FCK – That’s shit.

The Fridge – That’s shit.

Raj Clone – That’s shit.

Gummi Panda – That’s shit.

Whiff Of Billingsgate Chippy – That’s shit.

City Pizza – That’s shit.

Lab Kebab – That’s shit.

Brewer’s Droop – That’s shit.

Village Pub On Its Last Legs Doing Ponced Up Nosh With A Fucking Great Price Tag – That’s shit.

Frankly, the only place worth visiting is Mum’s burger van for a post-booze hot dog with cheese.

The Citizen – Giving the reader an informed choice.

Plans by Prime Minister David Cameron for us all to be a little nicer to each other seem to have been misunderstood by Neotians, who, keen to get behind the PM’s initiative, have been consuming over 4,000 calories a day each.

“Well,” said KFC regular Richard Littlehead, 25, who works at a nearby carpet store, “when I read about this Big Society thing I thought I should get involved. I’ve got an unusually small head so the best way to contribute was by bulking up the rest of my body. I’m 19 stone now and still going!”

Indeed, local takeaways such as Mum’s, Hotspot and the Market Square Café reported increases in sales of up to 300% in the first two weeks of 2011. “It’s great,” said Mum from her burger van on the Market Square. “I was worried about the economic downturn, but I’ve been coining it! I’ve finally been able to buy more than one bottle of ketchup at a time!”

GP’s in the town were shocked. Dr Roger Moore, of Eaton Socon Health Centre, said “The whole town has gone mental. We know there’s some fat fucking fuckers in St Neots but there’s no need to go overboard. I predict miocardial infarctions by the ambulance-load – or ‘heart-attacks a gwarn’ as the young ‘uns say. People need to stop this right fucking now.”

As Neotians headed for mobility scooters and comfortable Crocs, various groups were said to be gearing up to take advantage of the situation. Local fish & chip shops were clearing their menus of the token “healthy options” to replace them with hot dogs wrapped in kebab meat, deep-fried. Holland and Barret were said to be looking at taking over one of the town’s many stores, exclusively to sell “Weight-gain 4000″ powder to help locals bulk up.

Meanwhile, the makers of Slim Fast were working overtime to produce enough product to meet demand when residents tire of being so flabby, which is predicted to happen within about three weeks.

For several years this vast ugly warehouse has been empty blighting the landscape for miles around. It has been suggested as a new cinema, a youth club, a storage facility for councillors egos or even a distribution centre.
The Citizen can now exclusively reveal that it will become a chicken farm and processing plant to supply the nearby successful KFC using a new breed of chicken to keep up with soaring demand.

KFC Chief Executive Officer Mr Colin Sanders contacted the Citizen with the news. “It seems people in St Neots just love shit food and we can’t keep up. To save carbon emissions and provide local jobs, we will be breeding and processing our new breed of chicken the Kentucky Fried Chicken Chicken (Latinus Humourous) on site.”

He went on, “A full grown bird has been known to sport 180 legs, none of which it uses for walking. The chicken habitually makes its home 50 yards away from the nearest KFC or MacDonalds. It eats carrots and whitewash, which it regurgitates into small red and white plastic containers. It also shits bar-b-que beans. It likes to keep warm by rolling in breadcrumbs and makes its nest in boiling fat.”

“Research suggests that the dead bird gives off toxic fumes which can cause acne and a propensity to hang out in old cars playing loud dance music and litter the surrounding area.”

Local councillor and Leader of the Town Council Julia Wayward commented, “This is very exciting indeed and a good example of how this fine restaurant has lead to local jobs for local people. The council has employed 20 extra staff just to pick all the bloody litter up and people will finally stop thinking it’s going to be a cinema.”

Residents opinions were said to be mixed. Local eco warrior Dave Angel was furious: “If it isn’t bad enough listening to Dizzy Rascal, picking up litter and smelling of old chip fat, now I hear the place will smell of chicken shit, bloody marvellous.”

St Neots “rude boy” Marly T. Murphy failed to engage brain before mouth, and leaked the following badly-spelled statement onto the otherwise pristine St Neots forum: “weve got a kfc why havnt we got a mc donalds in the town yet,this place needs to get with it and get some decent shops like next and that.does anyone agree”

Forum regulars – otherwise known mostly as normal people – were taken aback by the outburst. The Citizen’s associate Oi!! Magazine editor, Mr Thundopalous P. Staker, esq., said, “It made my fucking eyes bleed reading that.

“We’re all used to the occasional new chav learning how to navigate away from Bebo and vomiting the contents of their feeble brain all over our local sites, but this really took the piss.”

Other regulars pointed out to Mr Murphy that perhaps McDonalds could not exactly be classed as a “decent shop”, to which he replied “ruavegie mate mcdsissoooogood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” The Citizen’s translators were completely lost at this point, but think that “ruavegie” roughly tanslates as “please help me, I am far too daft to be allowed to walk the streets and therefore must consume my own body-weight in mechanically-recovered meat until I can no longer leave the house.”

However at this point Mr Murphy went quiet. It is thought the 1-key came off his keyboard and the thought of a post without exclaimation marks drove him to take his own worthless Burberry-clad life.

Thousands of users got very upset when the site made using the new layout compulsory, when previously they could switch back to their preferred “old” layout.

The situation took a sinister turn in October when members began blaming the new Facebook, or TNFB, on all of life’s woes. Among the issues for which TNFB has been cited are the credit crunch; the technical error in the Large Hadron Collider which prevented us from knowing the answer to life, the universe and everything; annexing the Sudetendland; shooting Bambi’s mum and various rapes, murders and sex crimes.

Now, Westside residents have pointed the finger firmly at TNFB for the destruction of the historic Bell. Conveniently forgetting that the pub has been shut for some time, Great North Road resident Hayley Berry, 31, said “Where exactly am i supposed to drink now? i suppose it will have to be Brewsters with all them snot-nosed brats running around.”

Berry went on, “Clearly the new Facebook is to blame for the vanishing into a black hole of this once great watering hole.”

At the mention of black holes, the Citizen of course contacted CERN, whose Big Bang machine is reputed to be in a cave underneath St Neots. Spokesman Guillaume la Trec said that the Expert Scientists had looked into the problem and the LHC was certainly not to blame. “It is true a black ‘ole appeared and swallowed up zis public ‘ouse,” said la Trec, “but it was in fact just a large puddle of Guinness which ‘ad been disposed of over ze years in ze Bell.”

One internet commenter said, “First!”. Another said, “I don’t think TNFB knocked the pub down, but it is definitely planning to sell us greasy mechanically-recovered meat from the site, as well as providing a new destination for chavs and boy racers. I think it’s called Fried Chicken of kentucky or something.”

The New Facebook was unavailable for comment.