Rapper Lil’ Wayne expressed dismay that his recent release ‘Six Foot Seven Foot’ was to be renamed ’1.8m 2.13m’, and stars of US TV series ‘Six Feet Under’ were similarly pissed off that they would have to continue, in the UK at least, to be known as ’1.8m Below The Surface – A Comedy About Undertakers’.

More locally, Fenlanders are worried about the name of some of their local landmarks. “I don’t want to have to start calling it the 30.48 metre drain,” said Ramsey Mereside resident Andrew Evans, 52. “As for driving along the 4.87 metre bank – well that’s not nearly as scary.”

It’s not the first time the EU has wound up Cambridgeshire residents. Previously, the Brussels-based autocracy has decreed that the Market Square must either be divided up or renamed the Market Rectangle, and that the concentration of roundabouts in St Neots must be increased to one per square metre.

Councillor King Cooper was horrified, but said that the Town Council would of course do whatever the EU assembly told them to, as they all hoped to be highly-paid MEP’s one day. “We’re already planning to go around town on Friday night,” said cllr Cooper, “ensuring that people specifically order 568ml of lager rather than ‘a pint’. I don’t see any reason why that’d go wrong!”

The TV Dragons, all millionaires, currently convene weekly in a London warehouse with an pointless economics reporter and massive clock in the basement. However, due to the credit crunch they find it pointless paying the mortgage on the space which, it is rumoured, Dragon Duncan Bannatyne is turning into a gym.

“It’s just a little pricey,” said Theo Paphitis. “Yeah we’re all minted, but we didn’t get that way by being frivolous. Seriously, you’ve seen how much absolute bollocks we turn down on the show – really it’s just an excuse to prove how great we are at not spending money on shit.”

Previous failures in the Den include Eaton Socon hoodie chav Darren Feave, who presented his invention SatChav in July. The move has given Feave new hope: “Well, living in the Fens clearly sulls your brain a bit,” he said, “and seeing as the new show will be broadcast in the language that the majority of Ramsey residents speak – Polish – I might be able to wangle a deal using bad translation.”

Other items lined up for the new show include an affordable prosthetic digit, so outsiders can fit in when visiting Chatteris, and the worlds first set of truly thief-proof alloy wheels, for when driving through Wisbech.