Armed forces started scrapping with Libya after Muammar Gaddafi’s refusal to step down as leader of the country.

Doing a bit of vox-pop on the High Street, this reporter discovered that no-one knew – or indeed cared – about the the escalating violence. “What’s that? Libya?” said Martin Vigsol, 24, of River Terrace. “I’m not bothered to be honest, Gaddafi seems a bit of a bellend so why not?”

Other predictable responses included that of Daily Mail reader Janet Harcombe, 54, who said that “this war will cost the middle classes dearly”, and Sun fan Tom Element, 27, who relished the opportunity to talk about “Our Brave Boys and Girls” – capitalisation his – fighting on the newest conflict.

Local councillors were similarly divided. “This is an epic waste of money at a time the country can little afford it,” said Priory Park ward councillor King Cooper. “On the other hand, it’ll maybe stop Army redundancies, so doesn’t that mean it’s a good thing?”

The Citizen wisely chooses to remain neutral in all pointless waste-of-money wars, preferring instead to maintain the status quo. Former council leader Derek Miles said that Gaddafi “was sort of lovable in his own way”, and that countries more than a few miles away should probably be left alone to kill who they want. “Who are we to police the world?” he asked. “After all, we can’t even control our own chav problems. Maybe a tactical strike over the Riverside Park on a Thursday night would help…”

Local community rozzer Pc Neil Welsh said that the only way to deal with Gaddafi was a Friday night in the Market Square. “We’ll just tell someone that he tried to look at their bird,” said the officer, “and let the ensuing mayhem commence. If Gaddafi manages to put the boot – or the bottle – in first, we should just let him get on with it.

“He does, after all, seem to think he’s ‘well hard an ting’.”

The posturing began as Barclays texted Lloyds TSB saying, “Our blue debit cards are much nicer than your green ones.” The Black Horse responded by posting a message on Facebook saying that Barclays’ mum was an “Eagle slag”. Santander commented that both banks were cabrons of the highest order, and Halifax clicked “Like”.

“Those fuckers better watch out,” said NatWest. “My logo is easily fashionable into a ninja throwing star. I’ll cause havoc.”

It’s thought that seeing as banks aren’t actual entities which can say such things, it is infact managers and personal bankers making threats. “Personal wankers more like!” tweeted Nationwide in response.

Staff from the financial institutions, which have undergone a number of mergers and acquisitions in recent years, will face off on the Market Square this Saturday night. “It’ll be a traditional St Neots chavscrap,” said Dave Cork of the Financial Services Authority, “where pretty much anything goes and they all get to call eachother’s sister a tart.”

The winner will be renamed simply “The Bank”, and it is thought that Lloyds’ prime Market Square location will play host to the new institution. The other branches will become new Empty Shops, a vital part of St Neots’ economy.

Referring of course to the recent Worx closure Miss Dington chose to gob off even though no one, least of all The Citizen, could give a blind toss. In fact most right minded people gave a sigh of relief once the place shut it doors forever.

The Citizen sent a reporter out onto the street to see if Miss Dington’s claims of “confusion and loneliness” were in any way valid.

“What you fucking looking at?”  screamed one passer-by as our reporter approached a bunch of scrotes outside The Corner House. Asking for the groups perception of the socio-economic and facilities/benefit impact of receivership closures of local franchises our reporter was set about mercilessly.

Speaking from his Hinchinbrooke hospital bed he said “she might have a point – they did seem rather tense.”

Ray Winstone was unavailable for comment.

Initial findings have shown the town’s inhabitants to be “quite sick”. Most people were unaware of the checks being carried out on them, and therefore the findings were deemed to be true and accurate.

• 25% were found to be “fair to middling”
• 25% were suffering complete and absolute apathy
• 45% were suffering from aggressive “I went to London once so fuck off” syndrome
• 4% were unsure – and should be in solitary confinement
• 1% thought to be aliens.

Along with suggesttions on how to improve the future health of the town’s residents, the report mentions ways in which the town has already begun improvements. In particular, an unnamed councillor said that “The many and varied gift-card shops in the town centre could only help combat this general depression”. Indeed, the council has designed a range of cards targetting the sector of the population suffering from “Fuck Off Syndrome”, to save on difficult conversation. These include:

• “Do you want some?” (Tick list)
• “You and me, outside” with date & time confirmation slip and return envelope
• “What the ___ are you looking at, you ___” (left blank for your own comments).

The design of these cards is hoped to bring about a calmer, less shouty town centre, thus attracting more visitors to the town. However, this could all be to no avail. Traffic calming and the relocation of the recycling centre could cause such traffic congestion that it drives otherwise sober citizens to drink – or even Huntingdon.
Story by JW