Based on the work of local climatologist Hayley Weston (19), St Neots’ location in the centre of the country will see it become the hub of a projected new ice age. Ms. Weston was employed by the council to investigate the possibility after “fragile” Councillor D. Miles reportedly “felt a bit chillier than normal” on several mornings last week.

We caught up with Ms. Weston yesterday evening as she entered a local St Neots night-spot. “Fuck off you perv! Unless you wanna get me a WKD Blue” she commented. When we explained, the former Longsands pupil added “Oh yeah that Miles bloke gimme an award last year ‘cos I knew where England was in geography. He said it made me an expert; then last week he come up wiv a few quid to do me research and I found a website wot said there was definitely gonna be a right cold snap in the next 6 months”

When we approached the Town council for a comment they reiterated Ms. Weston’s findings that a cold snap could definitely be viewed as the beginnings of a new ice-age. Especially as several “expert” Swiss, Austrian, and Norwegian firms had confirmed the research and would have no trouble in installing ski-lifts all over the place for a fee of about a Rowley Million (£8.21).

Our reporter challenged the lack of suitable mountains in the area but this was dismissed by the Town Clerk as “petty-minded negativity and typical of the lack of support from the residents”. He continued “have you seen that Paxton Hill? It’s bloody massive!”

Weatherman John Kettley was unavailable for comment.