Cambridgeshire announced the scheme today via local rag the Cambridge Evening News, which is published in the morning. “The county council can no longer afford to reduce speed limits,” said a spokesman, ” and seeing as people seem to think that changing the limit will actually stop people breaking it… well, why not let them have a go then?”

Julia Wayward was incensed. “It’s a bit daft to say the least,” she commented. “You know how awkward people in St Neots are. We’ve already had people in Monarch Road making applications for speed limits between 5mph and seventy, on different sections of the road.”

High Street traders were similarly unimpressed. “I seriously doubt we all want the same speed limit,” said Andrez Superturk of the Hotspot Chicken and Pizza takeaway. “I would like to see a blanket 60mph zone in the town centre so that our delivery drivers can get where they need to go fast. Other shops rely on passing trade, so would like motorists to crawl past at three miles an hour. Clearly these wishes aren’t compatible.”

The idea was not without it’s proponents, however. Cllr Jonathan Chatsworth, who represents Histon and Impington near Cambridge, commented that “This is a marvellous idea. The council receives £20m a year for highways and the suchlike, and by outsourcing all the costs to whiny residents who actually want the speeds changing, will be able to continue to provide all councillors with these nice gel rollerball pens, instead of switching to cheap orange Bics. Hurrah.”

The posturing began as Barclays texted Lloyds TSB saying, “Our blue debit cards are much nicer than your green ones.” The Black Horse responded by posting a message on Facebook saying that Barclays’ mum was an “Eagle slag”. Santander commented that both banks were cabrons of the highest order, and Halifax clicked “Like”.

“Those fuckers better watch out,” said NatWest. “My logo is easily fashionable into a ninja throwing star. I’ll cause havoc.”

It’s thought that seeing as banks aren’t actual entities which can say such things, it is infact managers and personal bankers making threats. “Personal wankers more like!” tweeted Nationwide in response.

Staff from the financial institutions, which have undergone a number of mergers and acquisitions in recent years, will face off on the Market Square this Saturday night. “It’ll be a traditional St Neots chavscrap,” said Dave Cork of the Financial Services Authority, “where pretty much anything goes and they all get to call eachother’s sister a tart.”

The winner will be renamed simply “The Bank”, and it is thought that Lloyds’ prime Market Square location will play host to the new institution. The other branches will become new Empty Shops, a vital part of St Neots’ economy.

Self-thinking councillor Dougall, 62, got involved after a post on st-neots.co.uk which whinged about the difficulty climbing three steps to get into the bank, both for parents with buggies and wheelchair users.

One mother, who very much enjoys the word ‘steps’, said “To get into the building you need to go up the steps. Should you need any assistance, there is a doorbell to ring at the top of the steps and they’ll assist you in getting up the steps. The doorbell is up high once you get up those steps. So you have to get up the steps to ring the bell to help you get up the steps. I’m lucky enough to be able to walk up those steps, but what about those that can’t get up the steps?”

Councillor Dougall, completely ignoring the fact that the building is listed, has had steps for hundreds of years and cannot be adjusted, said “What a bloody disgrace. Abbey need to sort this out. They need to put in a ramp or something so people can get into the bank. Why should people change banks just because Abbey has suddenly got steps?”

When the Citizen pointed out to the councillor that there is not room for any sort of ramp outside the building, even if it would be allowed, he suggested “that the level of the High Street be increased five foot so people can get in the bank.”

The fact that almost all other premises in town would then have steps down to enter them is, says Dougall, “neither here nor there. I don’t see your picture in the Hunts Poster!”

“Redundancy could not have worked out better for me, my new job means I get to drive away every day. Now I spend less than 8 hours in the crummy shithole once my travelling is taken into account.”

Mr. Hatttttttt had been commenting on the decision by council officials to repair his whole road and not just the bits without cars on. “If I still had to get the train my car would have been tarmacked over and I wouldn’t have got me benefits.”

We asked Mr. Hatttttttttttttttt why he still lived in the town if he felt so good when he left it. “Fucked if I know, it just seemed easier to have a fucking good moan than admit the council were doing a reasonable job for once.”

We asked others for their feelings on staying in the town. “High street? What High street?” said Tilly Brook from Cromwell Road. “I only know how to get to station. I just sleep here.” she added.

Love’s Farm resident Gordon Manchester was equally confused “I honestly hadn’t a clue that this was anything other than a great big dormitory” he said.

Sir John Betjaman was unavailable for comment.

The hole materialised over night last week and there was initially some confusion amongst local councillors that it might be the same one that had been existing for some time, undetected in the Town Council’s budget.

Image ©Reuters

Cllr Julia Wayward commented, “There were several thousand in Blackburn, according to John Lennon, and it didn’t do them any harm. I really think this puts St Neots on the map.”

A team of professionals were dispatched to verify the existence of the hole, and after much deliberation for at least three minutes, it was decided that it had actually been there since 1980 and no one had noticed.

Local trader Barry Chuckle said, “I can’t believe it’s been there all this time. We’ve been losing trade for nearly 30 years and no one noticed.” Another town centre business owner, Niall Bittern, said “This hole is a menace to us all; it’s so big you could easily lose a three piece suite and an occasional table in it.”

Councillors in the town hope the hole will fill itself in at some point and normal trading will resume. Cllr Steven van der Van Driver commented that “until the hole has been properly identified and blame apportioned the Town Council would be looking into it. This will involve leaning over it; I hope nobody pushes me.”

The Citizen considered blaming CERN, and their machine of doom which last year was found to be located underneath the town, but decided that joke had most certainly been done to death.

Story by Adam Douglas

Sharon Kiley, a local mother, said “I saw one of these mainiacs ride straight over a crisp packet and I thought if that was my little boy playing in the road he could be killed or worse!”
Councillors have decided to act after representations were made by HiProfile Traffic Calming PLC. offering to solve the councils budget surplus problems.

Cyclewatch teams have been working in the High St. for a week now. Sydney Grosset the ‘team leader’ said, “Some of them ride so fast, we were really frightened, those chunky tyres are like a chainsaw coming at you!”

HiProfile’s plans involve a combination of concrete chicanes and rising mini-bollards triggered by excessive speed. There will be loudspeakers at stoplights which will deliver a stark warning:
“You have been seen cycling furiously, photographs have been sent to the authorities and you face possible prosecution!”
Those found guilty will have to wear a community waistcoat, saying “I cycle too fast and risk childrens lives” for a week (or even longer in serious cases!)

In other measures to cut the (potential) loss of life, a council spokesperson said a special fenced cycle lane linking the High Street with the station via Great Barford was being build “To make pople think twice before chosing a bike for the journey.” The LongStand bus company are contributing generously to the latter scheme.

Cyclewatch teams are meanwhile photographing cyclists for a ‘Naming and Shaming’ colour section in the St.Neots Citizen entitled “Just look at these irresponsible bastards!”

Story by PW

Last year, there was no lighting ceremony after a set of lights fell on a pedestrian’s head. But a spokesman for the council today said that rather than just leave 2007′s decorations as a failure, they would run twelve months late every year.

Re-employed at the council following a leave of absence, Dean Dexter said, “This is a brilliant plan on our part. By staging the 2007 Big Switch-On next Friday (28th), we can go back twelve months and use the lessons we have learned to make some serious money. I mean, improvements.”

The council is hoping that by altering time in this way, St Neots may be able to buck the economic trends of 2008 and become the most affluent area in the UK. “Obviously we’ll have to do away with a few of the more chavvy elements of the town, but we hope that the new KFC will soon be keeping them all occupied at the bottom of Eaton Socon, and if we’re lucky giving them food poisoning too.”

The lights are being turned on by swimmer Mark Foster, who says that if this radical plan to alter reality does indeed work, he’ll be able to win a few more Olympic medals in the 2008 Olympics. “You never know,” he said, “a few golds might persuade the council to bring back the outdoor pool.”

Councillor Bob Farms, who six years ago refused to spend any of an £80million surplus on fixing the ailing outdoor pool, commented that, “You’ve got as much chance of that happening as you have of getting a cinema. Haha!”

As the scheme, which the council are referring to by the snappy title of “Project Turn Back Time”, seems a bit far-fetched, the Citizen went to the town’s basement levels to speak to Guillaume la Trec, spokesman for CERN, whose Big Bang Machine the LHC is located somewhere under the town. “Ze most likely outcome,” said la Trec, “is zat a few people will be confused about the date. Saying zat it is 2007 is probably not going to cause time to actually change.” He went on to comment that at least if CERN inadvertently causes the end of the known universe, St Neots will be able to enjoy one more illuminated Christmas, as all festive seasons will now run fifty-two weeks behind schedule.

Theloneius P. Staker, of Eaton Ford, said, “This morning I have walked up and down the High Street, both sides. I have not been hit by a single piece of falling masonry or shop sign nor have I been stabbed or shot.”

This is an unprecented state of affairs in the town centre. Generally, three people are struck by crumbling buildings every day, and gang attacks have increased to one every seventeen minutes.

“Frankly,” continued Mr Staker, “I could do with the compo, and am a tad disappointed given the current fervour about how unsafe the streets are.”

Local injury specialist law firm Receive Just Over Seven Thousands Pounds, LLP, were said to be re-evaluating their business. Senior partner Irma Konnman said “There’s only so many bus stops we can re-site and wet floor signs we can put down. We’re not made of money – we offer a no-win no-fee service. We will, of course, be happy to take on Mr. Staker’s case as we believe that everyone has a right to be hurt and then claim compensation.”

“Well it certainly is a worrying state of affairs,” said Inspector Wei Stovtaem. “When residents feel safe to walk the streets, well, clearly the hoodies aren’t doing their jobs properly.” Cambridgeshire Police pledged a reduction in funding of £1.2million to help rectify the situation.

However, local commentators are sure that Mr Staker as been affected in some way, although it may take a while to manifest itself.

One famous face and former Citizen reporter suggested “You probably picked up TB.” Incidents of nineteenth-century diseases are common around the Handyman area of the High Street, and Mr Staker is currently being tested for consumption and fallen stomach, as well as lockjaw and bubonic plague.

Another suggested that whilst out, Mr Staker’s identity may have been stolen. Thelonius P. Staker vehemently denied that he had stolen Mr Staker’s identity, and Mr Staker was sure that he and the other four Mr Stakers all had the same name, date of birth and bank account number by pure conincidence.

Story from st-neots.co.uk