Angry fourteen-year-olds – up to five of them – gathered on the Market Square last night armed with pictures of petrol bombs and polystyrene bricks. “We’re gonna smash some shit up!” screamed Ernulf student Luke Moran, 13. “Obviously we don’t actually want to get in any trouble though, hence the lack of real bricks an’ ting.”

Police turned up after being called by a member of staff at the Corner House, looked at the snarling hoodies, chuckled and left.

A similar failure also occurred in Cambridge, after a gang of forty or so failed abortions tried to break into the Grafton Centre. Onlooker Steven Nicks, 50, said “It was hilarious. They were only armed with their arms, and when a PCSO asked them nicely to fuck off, they did.”

Prime Minister David Cameron said that hoodies around the UK could learn from Cambridgeshire. “We’ve all got the message,” he said. “You’re annoyed because you can’t afford to buy weed and trainers because you can’t be arsed to get a job. Bunch of absolute twats. There’s no need to actually use fire and knives in this situation – why not take the initiative from Neotian preteens and have a nice game of Let’s Pretend?”

Cameron today chaired another emergency Cobra meeting. Local man Dr John Renege said he “failed to see how snakes were going to fix this situation”.

Reports in local rags of a “grey crime-wave” only hint at the daily abuse suffered by local teens at the hands of loudmouthed bus pass holders.

“Me and about seventeen of my under-age mates were kicking off at the bouncers at the Pig’n'Falcon the other night,” said Sandfields Road lad Martin Winston, 15, “when all of a sudden these two old geezers rocked up with some sort of shotgun and told us to fuck off. They said they knew where we lived and would be round later to have words with our mums. I’ve never been so terrified.”

Indeed, earlier reports of crime-fighting OAPs appear to be a cover – in fact, it’s the wrinkly septegenarians themselves perpetrating almost all offences in the area.

Age Concern spokesman Terry Tempsford said that most elderly were probably only carrying guns left over from the Boer War, which finished in 1902. Claims were instantly dismissed as rubbish by under-attack asbo chavlets. “By my reckoning that’d make most survivors 129,” said Queens Gardens resident Stacey Lane, 14, “and they’re definitely young enough to run after us at a fair old lick.”

Police spokesman Kim Stonely-Bolton today warned aggro-causing youngsters to be on their guard. “It’s the same advice we used to give out to pensioners, before it turned out they were the worst of the lot. Don’t walk alone after dark, and if you feel threatened, call the rozzers.”

Off the records, Stonely-Bolton commented that “It’ll do the little fuckers good to have a taste of their own medicine.”

The Reebok-sporting wankers have recently taken to hanging around the Market Square on Friday nights, attacking single innocent drinkers as they stumble home from the pub.

“We’ve tried everything,” said Detective Inspector Kim Stonely-Bolton, “but the little tossers just won’t fuck off. It’s probably because of those underdressed 14-year-old girls that seem to idolise them, on account of one of them having once had a driving lesson.”

As the national media ran reports of replacing the oft-ignored anti-social behaviour orders with removal of iPods, passports and the introduction of naughty steps, Northants-based pensioners were busy taking on armed jewellery store robbers and winning. “This is exactly the kind of thing we need in St Neots,” said councillor Jen Hawk of Eaton Ford. “These angry little bellends are swiftly going to find their reign of terror at an end.”

It is thought the council and police are in talks with various OAP’s from our western neighbour to provide bouncer services on Friday and Saturday nights. “Well,” said Gladys Webb of the town’s Greenwood Road, who celebrated her 72nd birthday last week, “taking their iPods isn’t going to work if they’re just going to nick more from other people. I’ve got a handbag full of batteries, to give them a good old-fashioned clonk on the head with. They won’t know what’s hit them. No-one’ll be tagging my headscarf, that’s for sure!”

In order to avoid prosecution by overzealous upper-middle-class, Daily Mail-reading parents of rebellious wastes of human skin, all senior citizens employed for streetwatch duties will be legally declared “ever so slightly insane” by local doctors before starting work. “This,” said Stonely-Bolton, “will ensure our wrinkly, slightly malodourous secret weapon a hundred per cent success rate.”

Trials start this weekend.

Rozzers caused consternation in Cambridge when their new barely-working concept, which lists crime and anti-social behaviour street by street, named the city’s Peas Hill as one of the most crime-ridden streets in the whole country.

But closer to home, the town centre and Eynesbury – both located on St Neots’ Eastside – far overtook their westerly neighbours with well over 100 reported crimes in 2010, compared to around sixty in the Eatons.

“This is exactly the kind of image Eynesbury doesn’t need,” ranted Eynesbury councillor Steve van der Whitevanman. “How am I supposed to convince people that the Eastside is a wonderful place to live when this sort of thing is freely available on the internet?”

A closer look at the figures reveals that Eynesbury tops the charts for reports of anti-social behaviour, racking up more than the regular Friday-night fight club arena known as the Market Square. Inspector Kim Stonely-Bolton of Cambridgeshire police said that “this is mainly due to hoodie ASBO twats hanging around keying people’s cars and tagging their guinea pigs, although there were also higher incidences of other crimes this side of the river, such as relocating a goat without the proper permit, and youths failing to attend archery practise with the local vicar.”

Homeowners in “posh” Eynesbury Manor were shocked. “I’m heading straight to B&Q to buy a security gate for my front door and grills for my window,” said Jacqueline Fotherington of Stocker Way. “If we’re going to live in a fucking ghetto then it might as well look like one!” Indeed, the housing estate built on a floodplain and sold as prestige accommodation acts as a conduit for passing chavs as their smashed Stella bottles reach critical mass in one area and they are forced to move on. “Once this bridge opens,” said Fotherington, “it’ll be ten times worse, as we won’t even have the respite of the winter months where they don’t want to dirty their shiny white Lonsdale plimsolls.”

Businesses in the town centre were quick to refute claims that the area was more dangerous than Eaton Socon and, indeed, Beirut. “Clearly,” said Marion Barrett, of Barrett’s, “the real reason there is less reported crime in the Eatons is that by the time the ‘yoofs’ move over the river, it’s after eleven and the bizzies have gone home. Simple really.”

Marston appeared in several national newspapers and was the subject of a widely-supported Facebook group after she alledged that local yobs kicked her too-young-to-be-outside puppy to death in Priory Park.

However, a post mortem has shown that the canine’s demise was due to the Parvo virus. The fact that the dog was outside being walked before it had been fully immunised is probably one of the main reasons behind it kicking the bucket.

“I am proper fucked off about this,” said local hoodie Darren Kevin, 17, of Sandwich Road, when we interrupted him keying a neighbour’s car to ask his opinion. “OK, we might smash your windows or shout at your nan, but we’ve been blamed for killing a dog, and that ain’t on.”

His associate Barry King, also 17, stopped tagging his auntie’s fence for a minute to say, “If it was a kitten I could understand. I mean, dogs are the ultimate hoodie chav accessory these days. Especially ones like Jack Russells that don’t look viscious, cos then you can, like, train ‘em to be, like, super-stealth attack dogs or something.”

King hastily pointed out that he doesn’t kill kittens either – “They’re nasty little fuckers too if you, like, train them… and they’re fluffy and cute.”

People posting on the “Justice for the Dead Dog” Facebook group were shocked at the news that the teen had lied about the demise of her beloved pooch. Her chavvy friends instantly commented that “everyone can fuck off right, just cos the post mortem showed that the dog died of natural causes don’t mean it wasn’t kicked to death.”

Council leader Julia Wayward was quick to comment. “This girl has given St Neots – and it’s indiginous hoodie yobs – a bad name. It’s time she faced up to what she’s done and apologised.”

Not content with rumours that the town is made up of inter-marrying cousins, and that the clap is airbourne in Eynesbury, Eastside chavs have now added “danger zone for dogs” to the list.

Local teen May Marston, of Barringer Way, had taken her too-young-to-be-outside puppy for a walk in Priory Park, when she put it down for a minute, as you do, and some “local yobs” either stamped, kicked or trampled it to death.

“This is a fucking outrage!” said almost everyone on the local St Neots forums, where ninety percent of the content of other local papers originates. “St Neots should be on the map for the new fence in Cambridge street or something, not shocking incidents of caninicide.”

Local councillor Steve van der Whitevanman was quick to blame “the system”, rather than the fact that these hoodies need a good punching. “But then again,” said one of his colleagues, “if this hadn’t happened we wouldn’t be in the Daily Mail or the Sun… I’m not saying it’s a good thing, but…”

A lynch mob was last night roaming the streets of St Neots, using small cats stolen from the Parklands area of Eynesbury as bait. “If I see so much as a Doc Marten coming in the direction of one of these kittens,” said torch-wielding mobster Aaron Ovitch, 41, “it’ll me the last move the little Duck Lane twat ever makes.”

Similar town Wantage, which previously attempted to sue St Neots for being too much like it, offered help and guidance to the local population. Mill Street man Eric Lichardson, 26, said “Perhaps your town should employ ethics instructors to teach Neotians that it’s not ok to kick little fluffy baby puppies with big cute eyes and floppy ears to a bloody savage death. Do you need help from
Wantage?”

Another resident commented, “I think we’ll have to nuke St Neots from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”

St Neots town council leader Julia Wayward was said to be seriously considering the offer.

The TV Dragons, all millionaires, currently convene weekly in a London warehouse with an pointless economics reporter and massive clock in the basement. However, due to the credit crunch they find it pointless paying the mortgage on the space which, it is rumoured, Dragon Duncan Bannatyne is turning into a gym.

“It’s just a little pricey,” said Theo Paphitis. “Yeah we’re all minted, but we didn’t get that way by being frivolous. Seriously, you’ve seen how much absolute bollocks we turn down on the show – really it’s just an excuse to prove how great we are at not spending money on shit.”

Previous failures in the Den include Eaton Socon hoodie chav Darren Feave, who presented his invention SatChav in July. The move has given Feave new hope: “Well, living in the Fens clearly sulls your brain a bit,” he said, “and seeing as the new show will be broadcast in the language that the majority of Ramsey residents speak – Polish – I might be able to wangle a deal using bad translation.”

Other items lined up for the new show include an affordable prosthetic digit, so outsiders can fit in when visiting Chatteris, and the worlds first set of truly thief-proof alloy wheels, for when driving through Wisbech.

Eaton Socon man Darren Feave, 28, designed SatChav to assist local criminals in escaping when in unfamiliar areas.

“Ya know what it’s like, like,” said Feave. “You’re runnin dahn the road wiv a telly an’ you take a wrong turn through some alleyway or other. Then you find yourself runnin into the arms of the rozzers.”

The Queens Gardens/Monarch Road area of Eaton Ford and the Duck lane area of Eynesbury are well known for their comprehensive, and often confusing, network of alleyways, shortcuts and greens – where the houses face a pedestrianised zone rather than a road. Often there is little or no indication which street a house belongs to.

“I’m awright rahnd Eaton Socon, like, cos I’m Westside born an’ bred,” said Feave. “But a while ago I robbed a satnav out of a car parked in Mallard Road an’ got a bit lost.” Feave spent over three hours running aimlessly around Naseby Gardens and Whitehall Walk, before being arrested.

“I got gripped cos I thought I’d use the satnav to get aht of Eynesbury, like,” said Darren. “But it were shit. It just kept tellin me to make a legal u-turn.” Whilst serving six months for burglary, Feave came up with the idea for SatChav.

“It’s brilliant,” his colleague Wayne Waynes told us. “It has all the alleyways and garden fences and stuff on and uses Google Earth to track the Old Bill. It’ll tell ya if yer better off jumpin’ over the garden wall or hidin in a wheelie bin for a bit. Chavs and hoodies alike will love it.”

Dragons Peter Jones and Duncan Bannatyne were impressed with Feave’s initiative, but said they could obviously not endorse a product which aides and abbetts housebreaking. Theo Paphitis stated that, this aside, it was clearly a terrible idea as the main use for SatChav “would be to nick other people’s SatChav units”, meaning that sales would be low as people would just steal one, use it to track the rest down and sell them on the market, “probably for a tenner.”

Feave was said to be disappointed, but vowed not to give up even if he had to “rob another post office for funds”.

Theloneius P. Staker, of Eaton Ford, said, “This morning I have walked up and down the High Street, both sides. I have not been hit by a single piece of falling masonry or shop sign nor have I been stabbed or shot.”

This is an unprecented state of affairs in the town centre. Generally, three people are struck by crumbling buildings every day, and gang attacks have increased to one every seventeen minutes.

“Frankly,” continued Mr Staker, “I could do with the compo, and am a tad disappointed given the current fervour about how unsafe the streets are.”

Local injury specialist law firm Receive Just Over Seven Thousands Pounds, LLP, were said to be re-evaluating their business. Senior partner Irma Konnman said “There’s only so many bus stops we can re-site and wet floor signs we can put down. We’re not made of money – we offer a no-win no-fee service. We will, of course, be happy to take on Mr. Staker’s case as we believe that everyone has a right to be hurt and then claim compensation.”

“Well it certainly is a worrying state of affairs,” said Inspector Wei Stovtaem. “When residents feel safe to walk the streets, well, clearly the hoodies aren’t doing their jobs properly.” Cambridgeshire Police pledged a reduction in funding of £1.2million to help rectify the situation.

However, local commentators are sure that Mr Staker as been affected in some way, although it may take a while to manifest itself.

One famous face and former Citizen reporter suggested “You probably picked up TB.” Incidents of nineteenth-century diseases are common around the Handyman area of the High Street, and Mr Staker is currently being tested for consumption and fallen stomach, as well as lockjaw and bubonic plague.

Another suggested that whilst out, Mr Staker’s identity may have been stolen. Thelonius P. Staker vehemently denied that he had stolen Mr Staker’s identity, and Mr Staker was sure that he and the other four Mr Stakers all had the same name, date of birth and bank account number by pure conincidence.

Story from st-neots.co.uk