The Roberts Close man, who works as a drug guidance counsellor, had been away on holiday for two months, and missed the completion of both the Chav Superhighway and the guided bus.

“I couldn’t believe it when I got back to St Neots,” said Norway. “I got back on Sunday and needed milk, bread – the usual things that you’ve let go all mouldy in your fridge while you’re away. Little Tesco was really busy so I hopped on my bike and headed for Eynesbury.”

But as Norway approached the River Mill, a casual acquaintance riding the other way asked him if he’d been over the new bridge yet. “I was shocked,” explains Norway. “I never expected the Chav Superhighway to be finished, but it was, and I cycled all the way to the Eastside on it. The tarmac was smooth and the inclines on the bridge slight. It was amazing!”

Flushed with pleasure, Norway completed his shopping and repeated his journey in the opposite direction. “By the time I got home, I needed a sit-down and a cup of tea!”

The following day, Norway travelled by train to Huntingdon for a meeting then caught a bus to Cambridge. “I was annoyed at first because my usual 55 bus had been replaced by a ‘B’. I didn’t think much of it though,” he explains. But as the bus left St Ives, Norway noticed a change in surroundings. “You’d barely believe it: we were actually on the busway!” spluttered Dave. “By the time we got to Cambridge I was hyperventilating. I pretty much messed my pants!”

Doctors at Addenbrookes diagnosed Norway with Unlikely Project Completion Disorder and prescribed a heavy dose of sedatives. They expect him to be able to return to work within months. “I don’t know what I’ll do if they ever upgrade the A14,” he told the Citizen. “I’ll probably have a heart attack, I’d imagine.”

Just as that calmed down, rumours brewed that the store would soon feature a Drive Thru window for those too lazy to park their second-hand Audi TT for a peruse of the anal beads aisle.

Sawtry mother of four Brenda Taswachia, 15, told the Citizen “I dunno what all the fuss is about bruv, it’s like, well classy in there and that.”

However, Councillor Kevin Waters, former leader of CCC, is less enthusiastic. After campaigning against the opening for seven months, with only two toilet breaks and a short holiday last year (which involved dressing up as an old lady and putting a cat in a wheelie bin), cllr Waters now seems worryingly concerned with the fire resistance of the building. When asked for further comment, he jumped onto his desk and shouted at the top of his lungs, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!” before wrapping a bedsheet around his shoulders and leaping from a second storey window. He hasn’t been seen since.

Graham Smallgoat, MD of Pulse and Crabtails, had the follwing to say: “I just think the Drive Thru window is the next logical step. The world needs edible panties and it needs them fast, there’s no time for messing around with stuff like that. Did I mention we sell a vibrator in the shape of a midget’s arm and fist? Please buy something, everyone here is really old. We really didn’t think this through.”

There are as yet unconfirmed reports of a tanning salon operating in the back room.

“This situation is totally unacceptable,” says Warren Pearce, 22, who lives on the Oxmoor Estate’s notorious Kent Road and is the chairman of the local heroin and crack purveyor’s association, Huntingdon Ultra Super Narcs. “Our dealers are all independent businessmen, and are really starting to suffer in the recession. Working people just can’t afford hard drugs any more, and although there are more than ever on the dole, it just doesn’t make up the numbers.

“Just last week, one of the most prolific crack houses in our district, in Sandfields Road, St Neots, was shut down, and all the customers vanished. This put at least four badboy Yardie crack pedlars out of business.”

Seemingly unrelated is the news that Huntingdon is the UK’s most well-read town, in a survey by online book retailer Amazon. But local anthropologists have uncovered the shocking truth – namely that the town’s drug dealers have started pushing reading material instead.

“It’s an interesting find,” commented book shop employee Ras Prince, 40, of Godmanchester. “What’s happening is that the kids these days, people have been filling their heads with all kinds of nonsense about how ‘crack is whack’ and ‘heroin is not your hero’ and all that. So, the suppliers have diversified.”

The method, explains Prince, is the same as pushing Class A’s. “You butter some impressionable teen up with a few really good quality novels and such, and then once they’re hooked you can start emptying their wallets. It’s such a simple transition, I’m surprised it didn’t happen earlier.”

Certainly, this may be the only way to explain why Twilight was so popular. “After all,” says Prince, “here’s a pile of absolute dross which takes vampires from being the stuff of children’s nightmares to sparkly, flaky fairies who are scared of having sex. Only someone with a heavy addiction to the printed word would buy it.”

I have a dilemma. I have been offered my Dream Job. But the location is bound to cause a problem with my family and friends.

I got temporary work in a factory in Cromwell Road, It went really well, ending up being full time . The agency put me forward for a another job, I went to the interview and got it. I will be a supervisor at Lola Cars. This is my dream to be a supervisor. All my family are St Neots born and bred, live on the same street in the Eastside of town. If they can’t get work in St Neots they won’t work and proud of it. My friends always go to Huntingdon for a fight with the other lot.

This will tear them apart. Me working in Huntingdon. I fear my parents and friends will never speak to me again, always thinking I am better then them for not wanting to work in St Neots.

Please, what should I do?

Torn, Peter.

Dear Peter,

You may feel you are in a difficult situation.

But frankly you’re not. Its your Dream Job, go for it. If they don’t like it, fuck what they think. Do your best and achieve all that you can. Then when they’re still not talking to you rub their dirty little noses in it, buy a new house on Hinchingbrook Park or Loves Farm or even closer to home – Eynesbury Manor. Vote Tory, look at them like they are something on the bottom of your shoe and change your name to Tarquin.

The Citizen reported on the merger last month, with councillors Marcel and van der Whitevanman getting all excited about the prospect of ‘taking over’ their lazy counterparts in the other towns.

However, during discussions on what to call the new town, things turned ugly. “We’d previously agreed to call in St Huntingives,” said councillor Marcel, “despite having an underhanded scheme to leave the historical name of St Neots intact. After all, St Ives and Huntingdon are just made-up names as far as I’m concerned.”

Matters came to a head when Huntingdon councillor Susan Mulligatawny refused to sign an accord stating that the river Great Ouse, which runs through all three towns, belonged to the largest of the three alone. “Everyone has equal rights to this waterway,” said Mulligatawny, “and mayor Gordon Wicksteed has no right to demand a new tax for each litre flowing through Huntingdon. I told him to fuck off! His town doesn’t have ‘shire’ written after it does it?”

The group of St Neots councillors then walked out of negotiations. “They have no clue about how to behave when someone better than you is offering to take away your woes,” said cllr van der Whitevanman. “The only thing I’m worried about now is our cinema – we might actually have to build one, instead of just claiming that Huntingdons is in St Neots.”

Residents again had mixed emotions. “It’s a shame really,” said Andrew Morson of Avenue Road. “As a lover of gyratory systems, I was looking forward to improved access to the ring road. Now I guess that’s just another dream I’ll never realise.” Brenda McShaw, on the other hand, was delighted. “I moved to St Neots years ago to get away from the fucking Oxmoor,” said Ms. Mcshaw, who lives in Milton Avenue, “and I don’t want to be subsumed into some horrible soulless estate without even moving – thank you very much!”

The council said it was looking into alternative mergers, with Bedford and Cambourne considered likely targets. “There is however a town called Eynesbury in Australia,” said Terrence Dougall, “and if we can build some sort of rubber busway and claim it belongs to us we’ll all have much lovlier weather.” A team of councillors will visit this month on a nine-week jolly fact-finding mission and report back as soon as the sunburn dies down.

The accident occurred somewhere between junctions 21 (Brampton Hut) and 29 (Girton Interchange). Traffic came to a standstill on neighbouring roads such as the M11 and A428, and had a knock-on effect in towns including Huntingdon, St Neots and St Ives, as traffic was diverted away from the main route.

It is not yet known if anyone was injured. A police spokesman said the road would be open “later”.

This is a daily A14 update from Cambridge’s Automatic A14 Reporting Mechanism.

After years of campaigning and moaning Cllr WVM has succeeded in pissing off enough dog walkers with his grumbling gripes that even the ones that used to pick it up have encouraged their mutts to lay enough canine cables to clog Paxton Pits to the point where the land to the north is fully above river level.

Local anglers were not happy at the news. “I’ve been fishing here for nearly half a century and all I catch these days is Corgi crap and worms,” said one. “It’s all the bloody council’s fault, winding the dog walkers up! It wouldn’t surprise me if they weren’t planning to use the reclaimed land to build a cinema on!”

Cllr WVM, who is proud to live in Eynesbury, said “I am proud to live in Eynesbury because there’s not as much shit as Paxton Pits. However I do see this as another opportunity to start a crusade that will eventually get my photo in the paper. Therefore, as of now, I’ll be starting a Facebook campaign (“Don’t Shit In The Pit”) to name and shame anybody or anydoggy that’s leaves a log on the lake. Mind you I do like the idea of putting a cinema there…”

Rivals Paul Marcel and Steve van der Whitevanman rushed to announce the scheme on a local forum, with Marcel getting there first.

“This merger will save money cos loads of civilian council staff can be sacked,” said Marcel. “The scheme is really simple. Basically we’ll get some soulless new estate built all the way along the A1 and the A141 to connect the towns, so everyone’ll feel like it’s just one town. Buckden, sadly, will have to go.”

It is thought a large new development of empty shops will be built at Southoe to become the High Street of the new town, which is provisionally being called ‘St Huntingives’. “Of course,” continued Marcel, “we’re confident we can overrule those lazy fuckers and just call the whole thing St Neots.”

Locals had mixed reactions. Julian Merrange, of Hill Rise in St Ives, said “I’m not so sure about this you know, most people think St Ives is rather nice and don’t want to be associated with the Oxmoor and Duck Lane.” And Huntingdon resident Bill O’Reilly asked “What will happen to the proud county of Huntingdonshire, which we like to pretend still exists?”

St Neots lady Brenda Newport, of Chapman Way, was more positive. “If we merge with Huntingdon, then we’ll finally have a cinema, and everyone can stop fucking whinging about it.”

Talks continue.

“I have persuaded local Huntingdon businesses not to move jobs to cheaper workers abroad,” he said. “I have instead found a far cheaper option – St Neots. This fits rather well with my Guv Dave, and his “get those lazy chavs out of my pocket” bill, soon to be introduced.”

James McSwede, head of Huntingdon chamber of commerce, explained further. “Those folks from down there in St Neots are always complaining that they get nothing and Huntingdon gets every thing. This is out gift to them. The boost to the local economy will be great. We have negotiated contracts with Huntingdon based outsourcing magnate Simon Reed.”

Mr Reed was not present at the press conference, but issued the Citizen with this statement: “I continue to prop up the employment in this shire of Huntingdon. The fact I have started a recruitment campaign in St Neots and not India or China or Malaysia or Thailand is not because I have had my international trade license revoked for allegedly using child labour in cramped conditions,  but because I feel we need to give local people a chance for local jobs.”

Cllr Oliver Barford was approached for his reaction to the news of the employment boost to St Neots, but really did not have much to say apart from, “Wasn’t Julia Wayward, Paul Marcel, Terrence Dougall and Steve van der Whitevanman available? Ah well, my chance to shine for once. Let’s hope these unemployed chaps and chapesses can pull themselves away from Jeremy Kyle to attend an interview or two!”

But local man Danek Elbum is relishing the work, “This mean I send home money to wife and child, I will tell all my house buddy about this good job!”

Two successful armed robberies in the better town, targetting Securicor vans outside supermarkets and banks, have recently been perpetrated by mystery gun-wielding masked maniacs. But an identical attempt on a security vehicle outside our Neighbour to the North’s town centre Sainsbury’s went awry yesterday as police intercepted and arrested the outlaws within minutes.

Huntingdon jail-fodder spokesman Robbie “The Robber” Roberts, 51, was outraged. “It’s just not on,” he fumed last night at a suspected Mafia safehouse slated to become a sex shop outside Sawtry. “We fully expected to get away with this, having distracted law enforcers with a couple of token drug busts and a one-man shoplifting crimewave, but the rozzers were just too damn quick for us.”

He went on, “This has caused severe embarassment. Obviously we couldn’t let St Neots get away with being more dangerous so we carefully planned our own armed heist. I know it’s near the police station, but we didn’t expect this fast response.”

Indeed, shady St Neots criminal syndicates have been stepping up their game recently following publicised spending cuts on the bizzies. Monarch Road resident and criminal “footsoldier” Matthew “The Turkey” Bernards, 23, said “It’s boom-time right now for both petty and major criminals. The cops are too busy worrying about their pensions and, as we saw on a recent Channel 4 documentary, eating KFC. Being a small town we normally deal with nan-muggings, use bent cashiers to short-change supermarket tills, and pinch the odd car, but with the pressure off from the fuzz expect bank robberies to rise.”

News of the failed Huntingdon hold-up has further buoyed the town’s naughties. “There’s a real growth opportunity here,” said Bernards. “If the Oxmoor lot can’t handle their business, we’ll move in. Expect a turf war centered around Sapley to start any day now – we’ve been stocking up on eggs and flower ready for combat.”

St Neots’ armed gang has also linked themselves to recent attacks in Sandy, Biggleswade and Bedford. “We like to travel”, said a member.