Spokesman Beatty Broadband said “We’ve got to the middle of March and there isn’t one really good bit of shit to circulate around the town. I mean really! We’ve had to spread stories about how surprisingly chilly winter is just to stay afloat!”

The CWDD has a long history of keeping the town in gossip, rumours and careless talk – in fact many of the town’s facilities have been attributed to the work of the company. “They got us a KFC by telling everyone there was gonna be one,” said Wheatsheaf Road resident Ann Dré, “and look at all the fuss they created over the cinema!”

Indeed, over the last twenty years the company has gone from strength to strength – the only rumour it has not started itself is that it operates from the huge empty warehouse next to B&Q. “Although that is pretty useful,” chuckled Broadband. “Why do you think we keep telling people Asda is going to move in there? Lol.”

Some of the amenities cemented by the CWDD’s work include Subway, the ‘artwork installation’ by the roundabout at the Riverside Park, a bigger car park at the train station, and the Brampton Pie Company, which is soon to open a town centre outlet.

“Of course, some of our work is not so appreciated,” said another company insider. “We’ll hold our hands up to Eynesbury, for a start, and to most of the cycle lanes, including the ones on the bridge. But if we don’t find something to work on for 2010 we might have to close – and then you’ll never get a fucking cinema.”

For several years this vast ugly warehouse has been empty blighting the landscape for miles around. It has been suggested as a new cinema, a youth club, a storage facility for councillors egos or even a distribution centre.
The Citizen can now exclusively reveal that it will become a chicken farm and processing plant to supply the nearby successful KFC using a new breed of chicken to keep up with soaring demand.

KFC Chief Executive Officer Mr Colin Sanders contacted the Citizen with the news. “It seems people in St Neots just love shit food and we can’t keep up. To save carbon emissions and provide local jobs, we will be breeding and processing our new breed of chicken the Kentucky Fried Chicken Chicken (Latinus Humourous) on site.”

He went on, “A full grown bird has been known to sport 180 legs, none of which it uses for walking. The chicken habitually makes its home 50 yards away from the nearest KFC or MacDonalds. It eats carrots and whitewash, which it regurgitates into small red and white plastic containers. It also shits bar-b-que beans. It likes to keep warm by rolling in breadcrumbs and makes its nest in boiling fat.”

“Research suggests that the dead bird gives off toxic fumes which can cause acne and a propensity to hang out in old cars playing loud dance music and litter the surrounding area.”

Local councillor and Leader of the Town Council Julia Wayward commented, “This is very exciting indeed and a good example of how this fine restaurant has lead to local jobs for local people. The council has employed 20 extra staff just to pick all the bloody litter up and people will finally stop thinking it’s going to be a cinema.”

Residents opinions were said to be mixed. Local eco warrior Dave Angel was furious: “If it isn’t bad enough listening to Dizzy Rascal, picking up litter and smelling of old chip fat, now I hear the place will smell of chicken shit, bloody marvellous.”

Dale E. Goszyp, of the St Neots Chinese Whispers Distribution Depot, said, “We’ve been perpetuating this rumour for years, and decided it was time to start it up again. Previous evidence has shown that if we repeat a rumour or theory for long enough, it will eventually come true.”

Ask any resident and you can often pick up the same gossip from many unconnected sources. Long-running rumours in the town, along with the KFC arrival, include Asda moving into the empty warehouse at Alpha Park and the High Street being pedestrianised – both of which are based entirely in fiction.

However, says Goszyp, not all rumours circulated by his secretive company are unfounded. “We told St Neots about Subway years before it opened, and Domino’s Pizza. We also correctly predicted the Handyman shutting down and are usually accurate with our predictions of opticians and estate agents moving into new-build empty shops.”

Eynesbury Riviera residents weren’t so sure. “Didn’t they tell us we’d be constantly flooded out?” asked Flawn Way homeowner Joyce Bergernstein. “I’ve certainly never woken up to find my cat floating down the garden path.” When the Citizen pointed out the river water swirling around her ankles she stated, “That’s just a water feature. I got the idea from Charlie Dimmock. Now where did I put my scuba gear? I need to go into my garage…”

Goszyp said that rumours and Chinese Whispers were at an all time high at the moment. Town Council leader Derek Miles said that, “It does look like KFC have put a planning application in for the Bell, which will mean the loss of yet another pub but a great opportunity to stuff your veins with cholestoral from reformed spicy chicken.” Paul Marcel was quick to point out that “Miles doesn;t have a clue. No pubs have closed down in St Neots for at least five minutes, and the Bell’s been shut for years.”

Wyboston residents were also said to be happy about the proposals. Frankie Gadsdizzle, 23, who lives in the village said, “USA Chicken’s a fuck of a long walk when you’re stoned and need some grease.” Reports that a cinema would be built next door were found to be completely untrue.