Long and complicated second names like Gdnagley and van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver have lead to a plague of difficult to spell names displayed all over St Neots.

Pre-empting this confusion, local parliamentary candidate Marvin Land had changed his name to “something easy to spell”. His original family name of Rumplestiltskin was seen to be too confusing in an environment where long and difficult to spell names were in vogue.

Land commented, “We were concerned that too many long, hard to spell names might confuse the electorate and lead to election fatigue which would be no good for any of us. So after van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver declined the offer to shorten his name I felt I had to.”

The plans, however, have lead to confusion amongst road users, residents and ramblers alike. The Town Hall has been “inundated” with calls asking where Marvin Land is and where the borders start and finish. A member of staff who did not wish to be named said, “I have to admit there were a few laughs in the office when pensioners and lorry drivers were calling to say they had entered Marvin Land. Lols.”

Local resident Ethel Farqhuit, 79, said, “We were coming back from Roxton when we saw all these Marvin Land signs, my husband Ron was worried as we didn’t have our passports, we thought we were in Cambridgeshire, no one told us about this new country. We blame the district council”

Local haulier Dave Skandia was also confused. “Nothing showed up on the sat nav, there were no border controls, my mate Bob said it might be a bit like Arnhem Land in Australia but wetter and colder.”

Huntingdon District Council were asked to comment and made the following statement:

“There is no such place as Marvin Land and to our knowledge there has been no declaration of independence locally. We assume he must be a person, even though nobody has ever physically seen him, and people should not be concerned that they may be in a different country.”

Local councillor Steve van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver, who shortened hsi name to van der Whitevanman, told the Citizen “There’s no such place but wouldn’t it be good if we could declare independence from those tossers at district?”

Local candidate Jonathon Gdangley said he knew Marvin Land and said “he is certainly no country but soon could be if he got any bigger.”

Museum curator Arthur Archive commented “This exhibition is an exciting display of famous myths and legends, featuring the Tory petition. It will be displayed along side the red bus that was found on the moon, and the Emperor’s new clothes.”

Petition organiser, award-winning local councillor Larry Hackman, was said to be delighted that local people would be able to see that the whole thing was totally genuine and had definitely not been a figment of his imagination. He went on,
“I am proud it will be next to the Emperor’s new clothes, this is a stunning outfit in lovely Tory blue with sequins and pearl buttons, the kind of thing dear Margaret wears, it will be a great attraction.”

Others, however, were skeptical. Former council leader Derek Miles commented, “Hackman has totally lost the plot, both of the glass cases are clearly empty, almost as empty as his promises. Petition my arse!”

The exhibition is due to open next week promising much local attention with a fly past by a formation of foo fighters and a selection of WWII aircraft that went missing in the Bermuda Triangle. An invisible ribbon will be cut by David McAllum and Kevin Bacon, both famous for their role as the invisible man.

“Naturally they will be in character throughout but it is a good thing that they can make time in their busy schedules to come to St Neots, I saw Lord Lucan and Glenn Miller only the other day in the Pig and Falcon having a pint,” Archive went on to say.

The museum is already planning its next big exhibit next month which will be a rare collection of Victorian bullshit detectors. They already boast one in storage, which was removed from the Priory Centre as it kept going off at council meetings.

When asked why had they (SNCG) had nominated someone from so far afield, Cllr Paul Marcel replied “Grafham’s not that far. We have allowed our District councillors to stand as PPC as far as Birkenhead”

Current Eynesbury District Councillor and Birkenhead PPC, Cllr Andre Gribbert, followed up Cllr Marcel’s comment. “It’s perfectly acceptable, why should us Tory candidates have to live in these run down constituencies. I don’t live in Eynesbury I live on Eynesbury Manor, Eynesbury residents will not understand. I doubt they will even vote.”

“We will win Eynesbury, the Grafham candidate knows all our dirty tricks.”

Cllr van der Whitevanman has vented his disgust at the candidate. “Arrogance, pure arrogance. Has he ever been to Eynesbury? Clearly not, or he’d be getting involved in the pointless arguements about Tesco petrol prices!”

We caught up with Tory District hopeful Lan der’scaper, “What are you talking about, I’m not standing for election am I? Where? Eynesbury sounds awful.” He promptly walked off huffing.

Which means it must be election time. Recent posts on forums have been councillor-only affairs brushing electorate comments aside.

Larry Tapman (Con) comments, “Electorate? What about them? They will just vote on who has been loudest, I am ensuring I am doing just that.”

But Steve van der Whitevanman (LibDem) counters, “Every party for themselves as we approach this critical time. We’ve got more signatures on these toilet petitions so we’re sure to win.”

The Labour PPC whose name no one knows didn’t comment, as no-one in St Neots ever votes Labour anyway.

Alan Sleek, St Neots forum owner said, “I wish they would stop. I’m running out of space on my servers to cope with all this petty electioneering and squabbling.” Councillors have been known to post up to a thousand messages a day each, mostly calling their opposition useless wankers, telling us how good they are, and other general cock-waving excercises.

Council leader Julia Wayward said, “I’d like to remind you all that I have never, will never and indeed can never join in this cock-waving. It was pointless me commenting really, but it sounds funny.”