Local historians were today hailing the recent radar mapping of the old Priory site a success having discovered several important artefacts.

Artefacts dating back over 500 years were removed from the site to be catalogued at the nearby Council offices. Famous local historian Henry Tibbett commented, “We have found the remains of sticky carpet, a broken urinal, some dried vomit and some music by the medieval duo Dark Lace, well known for their crap tunes in the 1400′s.”

Uncultured

He went on, “It would appear that the nightlife in St Neots was just as shit 500 years ago as it is today.”

Management of St Neots premier nightspot The Priory, in the Market Square, were said to be pleased they were keeping up with the local tradition of providing a terrible evening’s entertainment.

Stella Fosters, manageress of the venue which is soon to alienate 90% of its customer base by instituting an over-21′s, no-trainers policy, commented “Sticky carpets, puke, crap music and broken bogs are all part of the experience we try to give our valued clients.”

“We can also boast excessive waiting times to get a drink, bad language and fat women in leggings,” she continued. “Of course, 500 years ago you could smoke your clay pipe indoors but I am pleased to say you can now have a smoke in the freezing cold and wet looking like a twat on the Market Square.”

Uncovered

Council Leader Julia Wayward was said to be very excited at the news as there was now firm evidence of ‘crap pubs’ going back centuries. “Continuity is vital, as are maintaining standards, people need to know what they can expect,” she said in a statement earlier today. “It certainly dispels the myths of great nights out to be had in days gone by.”

Unsafe

Small fragments of coloured glass found at the site have now been confirmed as part of a stained glass window, the Citizen was told exclusively today. It had been thought they had formed part of the 1431 Christmas lights display that fell down injuring a dwarf juggling jester taking part in the festivities.

Self-thinking councillor Dougall, 62, got involved after a post on st-neots.co.uk which whinged about the difficulty climbing three steps to get into the bank, both for parents with buggies and wheelchair users.

One mother, who very much enjoys the word ‘steps’, said “To get into the building you need to go up the steps. Should you need any assistance, there is a doorbell to ring at the top of the steps and they’ll assist you in getting up the steps. The doorbell is up high once you get up those steps. So you have to get up the steps to ring the bell to help you get up the steps. I’m lucky enough to be able to walk up those steps, but what about those that can’t get up the steps?”

Councillor Dougall, completely ignoring the fact that the building is listed, has had steps for hundreds of years and cannot be adjusted, said “What a bloody disgrace. Abbey need to sort this out. They need to put in a ramp or something so people can get into the bank. Why should people change banks just because Abbey has suddenly got steps?”

When the Citizen pointed out to the councillor that there is not room for any sort of ramp outside the building, even if it would be allowed, he suggested “that the level of the High Street be increased five foot so people can get in the bank.”

The fact that almost all other premises in town would then have steps down to enter them is, says Dougall, “neither here nor there. I don’t see your picture in the Hunts Poster!”

Partner Irma Konnman said that his firm had laid on extra staff in the High Street and Market Square last Friday in order to ambulance-chase any victims of falling rigs and masonry. But this was made unlikely by the lacklustre illuminations. “I’m not expecting Blackpool or anything,” said Konnman, “but this is just taking the piss for a town of this size.”

Up until 2006, the Christmas lighting in St Neots had become wonderfully tacky, with “snow-effect” light strips and massive lighting gantries across the road, complete with real miniature trees suspended above the junctions.

But following last year’s fiasco when a lighting rig fell on a pedestrian, the town and district councils have reduced the decorations to tinsel and fairy lights on a few lamp-posts. “We wouldn’t want to get sued,” said spokesman Dean Dexter, “although I suppose then we would have an excuse to increase council tax and therefore provide a better service in our planned non-specific-use centre.”

Undeterred, lawyers are turning their attentions to environmental activists and the weather, in light of the current cold snap. Spokesman for Bedford-based moneyhungrylitigation.com Steve Stevens said, “It’s ridiculous that we are allowing these tree-hugging hippies with dirty long hair to get everyone reducing their carbon bootprint and carbon dioxide emissions. If it stays this cold people will be slipping over on the ice left right and centre – that’s very painful if you slip all three ways at the same time.”

Stevens is hoping to file a class action against “all crusties” and fictional character Mother Nature, to win compensation for anyone slipping on the ice. He encouraged people to run along uneven surfaces in the dark whenever the temperature drops below zero, and of course to call his firm before dialling 999.

When asked how he intended to ensure Mother Nature turned up in court, Stevens replied “I expect we’ll just blame someone vaguely related to the weather, like Michael Fish, or of course CERN – everyone knows they’re bloody sinister.”

Wantage is around the same distance from Oxford as St Neots is from Cambridge, and as well as being a similar size both towns feature the presence of ducks, a Market Square and some of the south’s most “impressive” modified Novas.

“The next thing we know St Neots will go and get themselves a hill, and then we’ll know for sure they’ve been ripping us off,” gnarled Wantage local Fred Hurst, 82, commented.

St Neots town council leader Derek Miles said “Well, I don’t think this is going to stand up in court. Everyone knows St Neots is older – as well as better.”

This claim was rubbished by Wantage council who pointed out that theirs is a Saxon town, whereas St Neots was only founded in the 12th century, after thieving Eynesbury villagers stole the bones of the Saint from Cornwall.

Tempers flared when Patrick O’Feely, mayor of the Oxfordshire town, claimed that “King Alfred could well have Saint Neot in a fight – he was just some poofy monk wasn’t he?” residents of Little Paxton stood behind SNTC spokesman Dean Dexter trying to look threatening, but rubbish suburb Grove did the same for Wantage – and threatened to file suit for “becoming an overgrown housing estate attached to a small market town twenty minutes from a large university city” and thereby breaching the same copyright law.

Council leader Cllr Miles pointed out that “at least the X5 stops in St Neots – unlucky.”

It is thought that St Neots will merely settle out of court and a sum of approximately half a Rowley Million has been suggested as appropriate.

Dean Dexter, a spokesperson from the Town Council, said “we are absolutely delighted to be switching the lights on next week as it will really help boost trade in the town centre in the run up to Christmas”. He went on to say that they have chosen to switch the lights on early to raise people’s spirits in the town as the economy borders on a recession.

Child’s Pond Road resident Helen Bosworth said, “The festivities seem to be starting earlier and earlier so I am not surprised that they are being switched on in July”. Following the Christmas lights fiasco last year, it remains to be seen what decorations will festoon the town.

Dexter said “the lights will be even more impressive than those on display last year, and I think Huntingdon will be quaking in their boots when the lights are switched on in St Neots”.

Due to fears over health and safety, the big switch on will be taking place on Friday at 7pm before it gets too dark when it is deemed unsafe for young people to be hanging around in the Market Square. The lights are being switched on by a secret local celebrity. However, it is believed that the celebrity was chosen because they are currently filming Christmas scenes for a popular TV soap.

As for fears over pieces of buildings falling off under the strain of the lights, Expert Scientists were keen to assuage fears of residents. “Skyhooks. We’ll use skyhooks,” claimed an unnamed expert.

Story by Bebamag Reporter

Dean Dexter, of St Neots Town Council, said “we are currently working with the local government on a solution as St Neots Market Square has been one of the first to be identified as an unequal quadrilateral. From now on we will be referring to it as the Market Rectangle”.

Under the law, St Neots could reclaim its Market Square status if a 6m high retaining wall is built which runs north out of “the shop that was formerly Barneys” to the other side of the market rectangle. This would not only create a square, but an East side and a more desirable West side to the town. An insider from the Town Council, commenting on the wall which would divide Eynesbury and Eaton Socon, said it sounded “desirable”. However one person the St Neots Citizen stopped on the street said “I live in Eaton Ford and work in the Corner House so commuting would be hell”.

It is believed that roads named Square outside of the town centre would be exempt from the ruling, but may have to put quote marks around the road sign to show that it is merely a name, and not an actual square. A ruling on roads named the Crescent which are not crescent-shaped is expected next week.

Story by Bebamag reporter

Theloneius P. Staker, of Eaton Ford, said, “This morning I have walked up and down the High Street, both sides. I have not been hit by a single piece of falling masonry or shop sign nor have I been stabbed or shot.”

This is an unprecented state of affairs in the town centre. Generally, three people are struck by crumbling buildings every day, and gang attacks have increased to one every seventeen minutes.

“Frankly,” continued Mr Staker, “I could do with the compo, and am a tad disappointed given the current fervour about how unsafe the streets are.”

Local injury specialist law firm Receive Just Over Seven Thousands Pounds, LLP, were said to be re-evaluating their business. Senior partner Irma Konnman said “There’s only so many bus stops we can re-site and wet floor signs we can put down. We’re not made of money – we offer a no-win no-fee service. We will, of course, be happy to take on Mr. Staker’s case as we believe that everyone has a right to be hurt and then claim compensation.”

“Well it certainly is a worrying state of affairs,” said Inspector Wei Stovtaem. “When residents feel safe to walk the streets, well, clearly the hoodies aren’t doing their jobs properly.” Cambridgeshire Police pledged a reduction in funding of £1.2million to help rectify the situation.

However, local commentators are sure that Mr Staker as been affected in some way, although it may take a while to manifest itself.

One famous face and former Citizen reporter suggested “You probably picked up TB.” Incidents of nineteenth-century diseases are common around the Handyman area of the High Street, and Mr Staker is currently being tested for consumption and fallen stomach, as well as lockjaw and bubonic plague.

Another suggested that whilst out, Mr Staker’s identity may have been stolen. Thelonius P. Staker vehemently denied that he had stolen Mr Staker’s identity, and Mr Staker was sure that he and the other four Mr Stakers all had the same name, date of birth and bank account number by pure conincidence.

Story from st-neots.co.uk

The Priory Mall and Jade Bridge, empty for over 8 years

Paines Brewery on the Market Square has stood empty since the late eighties, and after years of stalling has finally been converted into shops, offices and maybe flats, said Cllr Roy Maloy today.
“Empty shops now make up a third of the town centre,” said Councillor Maloy. “This is a very important industry for St Neots.”
When new shops are made available in the area, the pattern is usually that they remain empty for up to six months before being occupied. Local free newspapers then proclaim the new businesses as a lifeline for the town, before they are crippled by extortionate rates and close down. The shops are then let to either charity shops, estate agaents or warehouse outlet discount stores.

The Paines Brewery was due to be occupied by an unnamed “major retailer” in 1997, rumoured to be Marks & Spencer. However, the deal collapsed after board members of a local department store, who sit on the council, got worried about their profits.

The Priory Mall (pictured) was due to be rennovated and occupied by another “major retailer” last year, but the council spent three months in dispute over a listed wall, between the Priory Mall and neighbouring Jade Bridge restaurant – which has also been empty for over 8 years.

The Citizen presented the evidence to Cllr Maloy who simply said, “Why do you need national chainstores when you can buy everything you need from St Neots’ Favourite Department Store? It has all that you’re looking for.”

Maloy is a majority shareholder of the store which recently closed all but three of it’s departments.