“It’s nearly tea-time anyway and I’ve got cubs tonight and I’m doing my ‘Change Of Mind Badge’,” he said.

Encouraged by local bully Felchy Fulham to “hit me for a toffee-flea,” Whitevanman blubbed a bit, grabbed his toy and made off up Barford Road saying “that’s it, I’m not playing with you lot ever again!”

“Not until it’s time for the local elections anyway” he added.

It’s anybody’s guess what started this little episode of martyrdom but WVM has a long history of tantrums and disappearing early when the going gets tough. Just a couple of years back he left the game forever, vowing never to return after he was picked on by another gang member for being Dutch. None of us can remember exactly what happened but WVM screamed something about “I’m fucking Flemish!” only to be pictured in a local rag  a few months later at a playground protest over charging for the swings with the same antagonist standing shoulder to shoulder.

The Citizen is unsure if WVM knew this but thinks it was fucking funny anyway and confidently expects the councillor to complete his Duke of Edinburgh Award for Uturnery Under Little Pressure.

Commenting later on, Councillor van der Whitevanman said, “I am nothing if not flexible and will change my mind at the slightest er…slight and do anything to be part of the gang this week. Next week will probably be different. Anyway that Felchy is always having a go, so ner ner ner ner ner!”

Claims that they’ve been “told” to reign their necks in by their political leaders after several daft comments on a well known local website are dismissed as “not funny enough” by commentators. Instead speculators have proposed a number of more realistic options about where our representatives have gone.

Top of the list is the high probability that the majority of Town Council members have been subjected to an alien abduction. Local twins, Lil and Greta Paxton, who share a lifelong passion for astronomy, reported seeing “strange lights in the sky” last month just before the disappearance.

Greta told The Citizen “We was coming out of The Anchor on a Tuesday night when Lil went arse over tit. While she was flat out she told me the world was spinning and there were bright pink lights over her head.”

“I immediately put 2 and 2 together and can categorically state that all our councillors are currently being probed by aliens.”

The Citizen, as ever, thinks this to be a highly probable and profitable headline maker and we back the women’s claims.

ET had gone home and was unavailable for comment.

Almost overnight all parties, including most local papers,  have collectively decided to stop making decisions about anything remotely important and will instead concentrate their efforts on deciding which colour cat should be reported missing next.

Even then a full decision will not be reported until days after the event when perhaps something less important might be headline news.

Council Leader Bereck Omiler said “This a victory for us all. Now none of us can ever be accused of doing anything wrong ever again. I don’t know why we didn’t think of it before.” He added “We intend to make this an integral part of the Town Council’s responsibilities, however we’ll not be taking that decision just yet!”

Opposition spokesperson Paul Marcel voiced his party’s support. “This is long overdue and frankly it’s a simple way to avoid any future confusion. We won’t be making any decisions for a bloody long time!”

Oi!! editor Thundopolus P. Staker was also shocked at the downturn for his journal too, “Our chavs need stupid decisions, it’s what makes them so volatile.”

Rumours that this policy is the work of the secretive St Neots think-tank “The 1966 Society” have been strongly denied.

From then on it was difficult to tell which was derelict property and which had been torched by the fire. Council Surveyor Lars Gasp (67) said, “So many houses round here look condemned it was more cost effective for us to declare the whole area derelict than try and repair any damage.” He added, “So that’s cocked-up the councils plan for providing more houses, we added 1200 at Love’s Farm only to lose the same amount from Eynesbury.”

Those responsible have still not been caught by the police. In fact The Citizen understands that Cambridgeshire Constabulary’s full compliment of Officers is currently involved in a series of evening meetings with the public and local councillors dedicated to understanding the reasons why chavs set fire to wheelie bins. This means that any reports of crime will not be responded to or investigated until early next week, just after elevenses on Monday.

Illustrious Oi! magazine editor Thundopolus P. Staker, 46, said, “This is bloody fuck-in stupid, we love our chavs but burning the whole place down? What a bunch of knob-heads!”

Earlier this week an Inter-City train was not set on fire when two local chavs failed to light a petrol bomb before launching it. Police were unable to respond in that instance due to the fact that the whole of the workforce had been involved in a community liaison exercise getting to know pets of the area.

Local Inspector Perry Grafham commented, “This new wave of arson where the criminals actually set fire to stuff is very worrying, normally we don’t have to do anything because they’ve been daft enough to not bring matches. This represents a whole new problem and one that we will have difficulty resourcing in the current climate.”

Fireman Sam was on holiday and unavailable for comment.

The citizen tracked down council leader Bereck Omilea for a comment. Sporting a 16 layer thick covering of “Brown Beauty” tanning lotion he remarked, “This is a turning point for us, when you see how that yank got loads of votes and got liked into the bargain, it’s got to be a winner. Mrs Omilea took some convincing to adopt a couple of kids from Uganda but they’ll be here soon. I reckon with this new image I’ll even be getting some of those Crosshall Road waverers on board, they always like a bit of fashion!”

The opposition were less convinced however. “This is absolutely ridiculous,” said Tory stalwart Paul Marcel. “These types of stunts only serve to reduce the credibility of politics, it’ll never work”.

The Citizen understands that Mr. Marcel’s gender re-assignment is going well and that he hopes to be deeded to stand as Paula Mailling by the next election.

At a hastily arranged press conference, Councillor Miles said “I’m fucking fed up with all the moaning, groaning and piss-taking that the residents of this shit-hole come out with.” He added, “Every bastard’s got something to complain about, we just can’t do anything right! Every sodding local rag revels in making my life a misery; The Citizen, Oi!! and that buggering forum interwebnet thingy, they all hound me day and night. I’ve had enough!”

Asked whether this new tactic of openness and refusal to face political issues would help improve the councils public image, Miles replied, “I really, really couldn’t give a toss, FUCK THE LOT OF YOU!”

The Citizen hopes to bring you more news on Councillor Miles’ breakdown soon.

Local defender of standards and former town councillor Bob Topshelf, 91, said, “They tried it in the Sixties and we fought them on the banks of the Ouse. It’s an absolute disgrace, it’s bad enough having girls wandering round town with skirts barely big enough to cover their front bottoms, we now have to suffer the indignity of listening and watching such filth on our own tellys. I’ve made sure I’m right by watching the video at least 4 dozen times! We must keep St Neots free from this muck!”

St Neots High Street health shop proprietor and 4ft tall former Hollywood hard man, Vinnie Garstrokes, 47, disagreed. “Kissing a girl? What’s wrong with that? I’ve kissed loads!” Mr Garstrokes did however admit on reflection that this may have not happened for some time. When it was pointed out that the song lyrics were about girls kissing girls, Mr Garstrokes was even more fervent. “Even better!” he said, “there’s nothing worse than seeing blokes kiss anyone, eeeuuuyyuk! St Neots needs more of this!”.

In a shock statement, Ms Perry’s tour manager told the Citizen that she would be cancelling her forthcoming date at the Priory Centre for fear of upsetting the moral minority (2 old women and Mr Topshelf) and that “She doesn’t have a fucking clue where St Neots is.”

Mr Garstrokes denied rumours of supplying sex wonder drug “Niagra” through his “health” outlet. Our reporter also decided it wise not to mention that St Neots’ idea of a sexual revolution was two sixteen year olds drinking a bottle of Lambrini and then shagging on a childrens play area roundabout.

Even the most fervent supporters of St Neots lifestyle and living have been surprised at how exclusive these riverside apartments have now become.

However Twiggy Holmes, local property developer and housing magnate, showed little shock at this turn of events. ” We always knew that land prone to flooding, its own health centre, Tesco’s on the doorstep and a view of the bypass would attract massive interest from the million pound plus market.” She added, “Most people think Sandbanks is exclusive but actually all the properties are inhabited. So far only one person lives on the Eynesbury Riviera, how much more exclusive can you get?”

Ms Holmes was less forthcoming about the accusation that the development’s increased status had only come about due to Oi!! Magazine referring to it as “Eynesbury Riviera” rather than “Eynesbury Marina” and that this had resulted in Google searches returning it just above the Cote D’Azure. “What utter tosh,” she continued, “everyone knows what a rag that magazine is, frankly our marketing department identified its potential years ago and we’ve been promoting it as a rival to any of the world’s property hotspots for ages.”

Interestingly, the Riviera’s only occupant, Thundopolus P. Staker is in fact Oi!!’s infamous editor. In a rare interview Staker told us “Yer well, in this market my capital was well reducing so I came up wiv the Riviera moniker and now my gaff’s wurf about 5 mil- serweet! I thought I might call it Eastbanks but that just sounded like a telly programme”.

Prince Albert II of Monaco was unavailable for comment.

“All Things Electrical (And Widescreen Cinemas) 2008 Ltd.” yesterday announced that they could provide, at no cost to the Town Council, a prestigious movie complex comprising of “as many screens as you want, where ever you want” using just a Rowley Million (£10.53) offered by a local landseller.

Warren T. Clores, MD of All Things, commented “Our expertise in this area is unrivalled. We have many years experience of taking our clients’ cash upfront and using it wisely and productively. In fact our last venture allowed us to install a pre-construction jacuzzi at our Eynesbury Riviera offices so our highly qualified staff could relax and de-stress before, during and after work, allowing them to focus entirely refreshed on their tasks”

Asked about the success of that venture, Clores commented “It’s not our fault that the client had under-budgeted and we were only able to install a 14″ portable and an old Betamax tape player”

A spokesperson for the Town Council, the body responsible for arguing with anyone and everyone about the validity of cinema given that they promised it in their election manifesto and are now delaying things to such an extent that another election will get them off the hook and they can remove the promise next time round, said “All Things Electrical are a bona fide provider of high quality visual media systems. You want to see the package they’ve put in my Crosshall Road mansion. We are lucky that they’ve chosen St Neots as their next project and I’ve have absolutely no qualms about depositing a Rowley Million (£9.85) with them before we’ve seen the plans.”

Warren T. Clores denies any connection with a company previously supplying monorails.

Although spending just over £3bn of taxpayers’ money and £1.33 from Anlian’s profits, the reserve tank capacity of 260.53 litres has proved inadequate.

Anglian spokesperson Hugh J. Bowness commented that “Once again the public of St Neots town – and let’s not forget those greedy villages – have succeeded in completely emptying Grafham Water by flushing the loo more than twice a month.”

Questioned over the unethical stance the company has taken in replacing the old mains with 0.001mm diameter pipes, he added “Our demographic studies show that St Neots is full of people who only drink beer and don’t wash, so why should they need water anyway?”

Asked whether Anglian would be introducing an immediate hosepipe ban, Bowness reiterated the company’s policy of “banning each and every hosepipe regardless of anything, absolutely anything.”

He continued – off the record – “…unless you’ve paid us a massive hose license fee and then you can leave it running day and night for all we care.”

Anglian Water can be contacted on 0871 CHRISTIMTHIRSTY. Calls charged at £20.00/second from BT landlines – calls from mobiles will cost considerably more.