Parking on the Market Square has been suspended for the weekend to allow for the time wasting SunFest, also known as the August Festival, Summer Festival or Sort-Of Carnival, to take place.

Residents of the further reaches of the town were enraged. “If I want to go into town I should bloody well be able to,” spluttered Belland Hill man Maurice Lichen, a 32-year-old IT professional who has recently moved to the estate. “I always park in the Market Square as it’s impossible to spend more than an hour in town, and I should be able to do that whenever I bloody well want to.”

Eaton Socon mum of two Lisa Aston, 24, said she had planned to take her three-year-old twins to Costa Coffee, despite the fact they are far too young for caffeine, and was unable to. “I don’t actually drive,” said Aston, unemployed, of Jellicoe Place, “but I was still annoyed that if I could then I wouldn’t be able to park.”

Conveniently forgetting that there are plenty of other car parks and that parking is only suspended for the weekend, councillor Graham Wellington-Boot railed against the organisers. “Businesses in the town are sure to go into liquidation at the rate of one every 33 minutes because of this,” the councillor spat. “Clearly those of us who organised SunFest are to blame.”

Other councillors were so conflicted that they were unable to comment on the issue, but as usual it seems they’re sitting on both sides of the fence simultaneously, and fiercely blaming each other.

It’s thought that approximately seventeen people will attend the free event on the Market Square, fifteen of which will have got lost looking for non-existent toilets.

The St Neots Citizen has learned that retail guru Marie Harbouras was caught in the tailbacks and had the good fortune to cut through St Neots town centre. Whilst being chauffeured Marie Harbouras “Googled” St Neots and crossed our publication to reveal links to the London cable car, our award winning car parks, and cinema which, as yet, doesn’t exist.

The possible new shopping centre will be part of the lesser known Eastfields chain. Huntingdon Town Council have caught wind of this scheme and approached Westfields chain to try and incorporate  their new multi-story carpark.

Local Councillor Steve van der Whitevanman was outraged and over the moon. He commented, “The congestion in town caused by this development will destroy the town’s economy. All these new shops will be great for the local economy.”

The Tories as a whole responded on a local internet forum as “Another Lib Dem gross mismanagment of this town’s future,” and “Larry will be most displeased, he has not been part of  the badly-spelled ‘STNeots needz a shoppin centre’ Facebook campaign.”

It is thought the 250-unit development, with parking for six thousand cars and attendant restaurants and other facilities, will fit nicely on the site currently occupied by the car park behind the Handyman.

A comprehensive press release from SNTC reads: “There has been some interest in the town for a shopping centre.”

Both Marie Harbouras and the SNTC office were not available for comment.

HDC CEO Davis Munts was seen fleeing Barrtts department store using obscene language after trying to use the cafe toilet without buying anything.

Frightened staff were shaking after a tiraid of abuse from Mr Munts after being told that he would need to buy from the cafe to use the toilet facilities.

Betty Taylor-Harrogate, Barretts’ cafe cashier, was shocked to see such behaivour from Mr Munts, “I was scared and shocked, he was like a wild animal. All he kept screamimng was that he was touching cloth and need to use the toilets urgently.”

“‘Turtle’s head or not’, I said, ‘unless to buy a tea or scone your not using the facilities’.”

At this point an enraged Mr Munts fled the store and was seen heading in direction of Westgate’s. But quick thinking Barretts staff phoned ahead to give advance warning.

Having been seen off by staff at the Co-op department store, Mr Munts was seen heading to the soon-to-be-charged-for Lidl car park with a whiff in the air.

Mr Munts denied St Neots Citizen comment.

Myfnwy Mwr, 28, complained after the Evil Empire refused to allow her to shop in her crusty nighties even though the company’s own adverts had previously shown actor Martin Clunes doing just that, with no recrimination whatsoever.

Pretending she spoke Welsh for the benefit of the national press, Mwr said, “Mae hyn yn sefyllfa chwerthinllyd”, which roughly translates as “What a fucking joke.” The supermarket giant responded by saying, “Another of our commercials shows someone arriving in a hot-air balloon, but we don’t have balloon parking facilities at our stores. Have some FUCKING PRIDE ya slovenly bitch! Honestly, not getting dressed before leaving the house! In the Victorian era, if you were wandering around in nightwear, you were kindly ‘assisted’ to the local sanitorium, where members of the (fully dressed) public could point and laugh from the lofty heights of the viewing gallery. Good times.”

Realising the uproar this gaffe was likely to cause, the company’s PR department swung into action, and announced trials of balloon-parking at the Barford Road site. “It’ll take up about a hundred car parking spaces to provide for three balloons,” said spokesman Grant Budgen, “but there’s obviously a demand for it, or the Sun wouldn’t have printed it.”

Budgen went on that the corporation was examining other types of parking, including digging canals as far as the cash machines for people who want to use their canoes and narrowboats to go shopping, and landing strips for those with light aircraft. “We can’t afford to be seen to be discriminating against anyone,” he said, “no matter what form of transport they prefer. And we can call it ‘sustainable’ because most of these methods use less petrol than a car, and maybe we’ll give away some green clubcard points.”

Top Gear presenter James May, who recently crashed a caravan tied to an airship into a field in Eltisley, said “This is a great idea. Sometimes I want to go and get a pint of milk, and I wish it took three hours to get there. Now I can use my airship – if I aim for Dover I might just about end up in St Neots.”

St Neots’ residential roads are well known to have the highest concentration of pot-holes per square metre anywhere in western Europe, and are often patched up with a weak papier mache mixture which disintegrates as soon as it rains.

However, this month Cambridgeshire County Council and the Highways Agency began applying a more permanent fix to roads such as East Street, Cambridge Gardens and King’s Lane. “We thought people would probably appreciate it,” said Highways Agency spokesman Dajve Bedejas, “but all they’ve done is piss and moan about how they couldn’t park outside their front door for a couple of days.”

“It’s disgraceful,” said Cambridge Gardens resident Mimi Mona, 42. “I had to park behind Lidls for the last two days. It was free and there’s CCTV, but it was a good ninety-second walk home and that just ain’t good enough.”

Mona went on to complain that drivers had not been given enough warning about the resurfacing work. “They put a notice in the local paper,” she whinged, “but no fucker reads that do they? And they painted notices on the road itself saying it would be closed – you can’t see that if you’re walking around with your heads in the clouds as I often do, can you?”

Eastside greebos were also annoyed. “If there ain’t potholes and bumps,” said emo-looking teen Ralph Laurel, 15, “there’s nothing for me to hit side-on on my deck [skateboard] and impress the ladies. Or fall off and cry about whilst listening to My Chemical Romance. Either way, I’m shocked.”

Bedejas, who has worked for the Highways Agency for twenty years, said “Honestly, the residents of Eynesbury didn’t complain. People in Luke Street were happy they didn’t have to circumnavigate a six-foot pit every time they wanted to leave the house, and to be honest if the St Neots lot keep banging on at me I’ll put double yellow lines all the way around and THEN they’ll be fucked.”

Angie Doblington, of the councils Social Exclusion unit, said “For too long now the partially sighted have been denied the convenience of normal access to the towns facilities,” She added that “since the positive public response to building the councils Non Specific Use Unit, this had become an imperative.”

The new bays will be wider and have rubber bollards. The scheme has survived a planning objection by Sids Body Repair Shop.

Stephanie Collington, a visually challenged driver, said it would be a real help. “Sometimes it could get difficult I would have one of my ‘little bumps’ and people would shout ‘Are you blind?!’. And I’d say, ‘Yes actually!’ and that would shut them up.”

Stanley Dent, a differently sighted driver, said he was delighted. “Going into town was always a bit of an adventure, trying to find a gap in the coloured blobs, sometimes there would be a grating noise and you couldn’t get the door open.”

Story by PW

“The car park was completely full,” said Miss Ning, who drove to the station after 9.30 to avoid the high parking charges before this time. “I don’t want to pay over three pounds to park my car. I only want to rent the space, not buy it.”

Fellow commuter John Sands, of Hail Weston, agreed. “It’s stupid,” he said. “People arrive at 7am and take all the spaces. It’s selfish.” When The Citizen suggested that this is necessary for people to get to work by nine, Mr Sands looked blank. “9? 9am? That means nothing to me,”