The new police photo...

Regular readers of the online edition of the Cambridge Used-To-Be-In-The-Evening News were today shocked to discover a new standard police image on a story about something to do with a road.

Traditionally, the website is too lazy to take pictures of anything relating to traffic problems, and just uses a shot of the back of a copper’s hi-vis vest (below).

...and the old one

People logging on this afternoon were confused. “It’s quite like the old one, but a bit different,” said Comberton resident Clare Fading. “Not sure I like it.” Cambridge human Barbie Natalie Trees agreed. “They shouldn’t have changed this image, cos like, now I won’t instantly know what the story is about.”

The publishers of the CUTBITEN said that they were sure readers would soon adapt. “After all,” said one staffer, “we’ve been using an A14 sign that someone knocked up on Paint for the last three years, and no-one’s even noticed.”

It appears that the unaccounted-for money, to the tune of a Rowley Million, has been put forward by a consortium made up of Bedfordshire Police and Cambridgeshire Constabulary.

Chief Inspector Kim Stonely-Bolton, from Cambs Police, released the following statement after presenting him with our findings.

“Cambs Police had help to co-fund this bridge with our colleagues over the border to help in our current campaign, ‘Operation Collar a Chav called Kevin’, or ‘CACK’. The St Neotian chav is not the brightest of the chav species inhabiting this island, and will always take the shortest, most direct route home after a bit of thieving, vandalism or fighting – not bothering to circuitously avoid the Rozzers at all.

“Regular trips into Little Barford to burn out a car prompted Beds Police to help in the bridge’s funding. Once on this highway we can easily pick them up at the other end.”

Mrs Moore from from Huddersfield, holidaying in the Eynesbury Camp Site, is not so convinced. “They will just run down the side of this lovely little camp site, ruining a good swinging session or an early night. The last thing we want is that blasted helicopter hanging over us”

Ex-councilor Julia Wayward thought the idea was “Excellent,” but added “Please don’t call me again. I only left the council so the Citizen would leave me alone.”

With the darker nights soon to be coming, it is expected the bridge will become busier by the day – once Darren and his mates have smashed all the lights, of course.

Angry fourteen-year-olds – up to five of them – gathered on the Market Square last night armed with pictures of petrol bombs and polystyrene bricks. “We’re gonna smash some shit up!” screamed Ernulf student Luke Moran, 13. “Obviously we don’t actually want to get in any trouble though, hence the lack of real bricks an’ ting.”

Police turned up after being called by a member of staff at the Corner House, looked at the snarling hoodies, chuckled and left.

A similar failure also occurred in Cambridge, after a gang of forty or so failed abortions tried to break into the Grafton Centre. Onlooker Steven Nicks, 50, said “It was hilarious. They were only armed with their arms, and when a PCSO asked them nicely to fuck off, they did.”

Prime Minister David Cameron said that hoodies around the UK could learn from Cambridgeshire. “We’ve all got the message,” he said. “You’re annoyed because you can’t afford to buy weed and trainers because you can’t be arsed to get a job. Bunch of absolute twats. There’s no need to actually use fire and knives in this situation – why not take the initiative from Neotian preteens and have a nice game of Let’s Pretend?”

Cameron today chaired another emergency Cobra meeting. Local man Dr John Renege said he “failed to see how snakes were going to fix this situation”.

Local staff nurse Nicola Pinkside and her compatriots were accosted by police in the overgrown concrete Hertfordshire shithole and forcibly ejected from the so-called town. “Apparently we’d smashed up a pub earlier in the evening,” said Pinkside, “but frankly I think I’d remember that.”

A spokesman for Hertfordshire Constabulary said, “It’s obvious these Cambridgeshire girls were to blame for the pub-destroying incident. No-one from Stevenage ever does anything violent ever.”

Stevenage suffers from a high level of violent crime compared to the surrounding area, and it is thought the local rozzers are keen to blame all the borough’s problems on intruders from the more salubrious county to the North. “I think we can close the book on every unsolved nan-mugging and midnight shoeing in the area,” said Pc Ras Prince, “as it’s clear that we’ve now removed this violent Cantabridgian faction.”

St Neots councillors responded by demanding Stevenagers look “in the fucking mirror” to find all the criminals they could ever want.

Reports in local rags of a “grey crime-wave” only hint at the daily abuse suffered by local teens at the hands of loudmouthed bus pass holders.

“Me and about seventeen of my under-age mates were kicking off at the bouncers at the Pig’n'Falcon the other night,” said Sandfields Road lad Martin Winston, 15, “when all of a sudden these two old geezers rocked up with some sort of shotgun and told us to fuck off. They said they knew where we lived and would be round later to have words with our mums. I’ve never been so terrified.”

Indeed, earlier reports of crime-fighting OAPs appear to be a cover – in fact, it’s the wrinkly septegenarians themselves perpetrating almost all offences in the area.

Age Concern spokesman Terry Tempsford said that most elderly were probably only carrying guns left over from the Boer War, which finished in 1902. Claims were instantly dismissed as rubbish by under-attack asbo chavlets. “By my reckoning that’d make most survivors 129,” said Queens Gardens resident Stacey Lane, 14, “and they’re definitely young enough to run after us at a fair old lick.”

Police spokesman Kim Stonely-Bolton today warned aggro-causing youngsters to be on their guard. “It’s the same advice we used to give out to pensioners, before it turned out they were the worst of the lot. Don’t walk alone after dark, and if you feel threatened, call the rozzers.”

Off the records, Stonely-Bolton commented that “It’ll do the little fuckers good to have a taste of their own medicine.”

Armed forces started scrapping with Libya after Muammar Gaddafi’s refusal to step down as leader of the country.

Doing a bit of vox-pop on the High Street, this reporter discovered that no-one knew – or indeed cared – about the the escalating violence. “What’s that? Libya?” said Martin Vigsol, 24, of River Terrace. “I’m not bothered to be honest, Gaddafi seems a bit of a bellend so why not?”

Other predictable responses included that of Daily Mail reader Janet Harcombe, 54, who said that “this war will cost the middle classes dearly”, and Sun fan Tom Element, 27, who relished the opportunity to talk about “Our Brave Boys and Girls” – capitalisation his – fighting on the newest conflict.

Local councillors were similarly divided. “This is an epic waste of money at a time the country can little afford it,” said Priory Park ward councillor King Cooper. “On the other hand, it’ll maybe stop Army redundancies, so doesn’t that mean it’s a good thing?”

The Citizen wisely chooses to remain neutral in all pointless waste-of-money wars, preferring instead to maintain the status quo. Former council leader Derek Miles said that Gaddafi “was sort of lovable in his own way”, and that countries more than a few miles away should probably be left alone to kill who they want. “Who are we to police the world?” he asked. “After all, we can’t even control our own chav problems. Maybe a tactical strike over the Riverside Park on a Thursday night would help…”

Local community rozzer Pc Neil Welsh said that the only way to deal with Gaddafi was a Friday night in the Market Square. “We’ll just tell someone that he tried to look at their bird,” said the officer, “and let the ensuing mayhem commence. If Gaddafi manages to put the boot – or the bottle – in first, we should just let him get on with it.

“He does, after all, seem to think he’s ‘well hard an ting’.”

The Reebok-sporting wankers have recently taken to hanging around the Market Square on Friday nights, attacking single innocent drinkers as they stumble home from the pub.

“We’ve tried everything,” said Detective Inspector Kim Stonely-Bolton, “but the little tossers just won’t fuck off. It’s probably because of those underdressed 14-year-old girls that seem to idolise them, on account of one of them having once had a driving lesson.”

As the national media ran reports of replacing the oft-ignored anti-social behaviour orders with removal of iPods, passports and the introduction of naughty steps, Northants-based pensioners were busy taking on armed jewellery store robbers and winning. “This is exactly the kind of thing we need in St Neots,” said councillor Jen Hawk of Eaton Ford. “These angry little bellends are swiftly going to find their reign of terror at an end.”

It is thought the council and police are in talks with various OAP’s from our western neighbour to provide bouncer services on Friday and Saturday nights. “Well,” said Gladys Webb of the town’s Greenwood Road, who celebrated her 72nd birthday last week, “taking their iPods isn’t going to work if they’re just going to nick more from other people. I’ve got a handbag full of batteries, to give them a good old-fashioned clonk on the head with. They won’t know what’s hit them. No-one’ll be tagging my headscarf, that’s for sure!”

In order to avoid prosecution by overzealous upper-middle-class, Daily Mail-reading parents of rebellious wastes of human skin, all senior citizens employed for streetwatch duties will be legally declared “ever so slightly insane” by local doctors before starting work. “This,” said Stonely-Bolton, “will ensure our wrinkly, slightly malodourous secret weapon a hundred per cent success rate.”

Trials start this weekend.

Rozzers caused consternation in Cambridge when their new barely-working concept, which lists crime and anti-social behaviour street by street, named the city’s Peas Hill as one of the most crime-ridden streets in the whole country.

But closer to home, the town centre and Eynesbury – both located on St Neots’ Eastside – far overtook their westerly neighbours with well over 100 reported crimes in 2010, compared to around sixty in the Eatons.

“This is exactly the kind of image Eynesbury doesn’t need,” ranted Eynesbury councillor Steve van der Whitevanman. “How am I supposed to convince people that the Eastside is a wonderful place to live when this sort of thing is freely available on the internet?”

A closer look at the figures reveals that Eynesbury tops the charts for reports of anti-social behaviour, racking up more than the regular Friday-night fight club arena known as the Market Square. Inspector Kim Stonely-Bolton of Cambridgeshire police said that “this is mainly due to hoodie ASBO twats hanging around keying people’s cars and tagging their guinea pigs, although there were also higher incidences of other crimes this side of the river, such as relocating a goat without the proper permit, and youths failing to attend archery practise with the local vicar.”

Homeowners in “posh” Eynesbury Manor were shocked. “I’m heading straight to B&Q to buy a security gate for my front door and grills for my window,” said Jacqueline Fotherington of Stocker Way. “If we’re going to live in a fucking ghetto then it might as well look like one!” Indeed, the housing estate built on a floodplain and sold as prestige accommodation acts as a conduit for passing chavs as their smashed Stella bottles reach critical mass in one area and they are forced to move on. “Once this bridge opens,” said Fotherington, “it’ll be ten times worse, as we won’t even have the respite of the winter months where they don’t want to dirty their shiny white Lonsdale plimsolls.”

Businesses in the town centre were quick to refute claims that the area was more dangerous than Eaton Socon and, indeed, Beirut. “Clearly,” said Marion Barrett, of Barrett’s, “the real reason there is less reported crime in the Eatons is that by the time the ‘yoofs’ move over the river, it’s after eleven and the bizzies have gone home. Simple really.”

Alerted by keen eyed Citizen reader Elle Tisley, the alleged “table-top” sale at St Chantelle’s The (Last One in St Neots) Virgin was revealed as nothing more than a jumble sale full of shit that wouldn’t even sell on eBay.

Ms Tisley commented, “I took my old Mum down there to get her a scrubbed pine top and me a melamine kitchen surface only to find loads of crap like broken Lego and old jumpers. Even the table-tops there weren’t for sale and were just old pasting tables with stains on”.

“It’s endemic of the depths to which the religious folk of this town are prepared to stoop. Just because some * (insert derogatory term for foreigner, traveller etc. to suit your prejudice here) decided to nick 3 tons of lead off the roof doesn’t mean ripping off the local table top appreciation society” commented Inspector Grafham. “Also, the money’s probably funding terrorists. That’s what we like to say these days.”

In fact, commenters on a local web forum were today at a loss to describe the person who has only been described in the news as “a man, or woman, between the ages of 15 and 50.” The alledged Nova-driving dole queue chav has been banned from entering the Duck Lane estate for two years following complaints by residents.

Police have asked locals to keep their eyes peeled, and report any presence on the estate of the ethereal knock-off Fred Perry wearer immediately.

Since he, she or it cannot actually be identified, police have asked residents not to call in but to use Facebook instead, to accuse whoever walks onto the estate swigging a can of Stella of being the elusive “Eastside Stalker”.

A spokesman said if the person is correctly identified, police will “like” the appropriate photo, which will warn others to stay extra vigilant. “Facebook vigilantism is the future of policing,” said St Neots police station’s cleaner. “It means we can get the public involved and have a legitimate excuse for being on various social networking sites during work hours. And it won’t cost us a bean.”

For once, not a single councillor was available to comment. We tried to reach councillor Dougall, but he refused to answer the phone for fear of breaking his own restraining order.