Two large potholes have recently appeared on New Street – one outside the Conservative Club and another at the Tebbutts Road junction. Yesterday, residents awoke to find pleasant new blue plastic fences around each one.

“The fences for all campaign, which began with the new Cambridge Street fence, couldn’t ignore these two lonely depressions in the road,” said van der Whitevanman. “Obviously there’s a safety aspect, but for me the most important thing is that everyone has a lovely fence of their own.”

The blue plastic roadworks-style barriers were said to have been chosen to compliment the blue of the railings on the Market Square, and the plastic atmosphere of nearby new pub the Weeping Gash.

St Neots’ residential roads are well known to have the highest concentration of pot-holes per square metre anywhere in western Europe, and are often patched up with a weak papier mache mixture which disintegrates as soon as it rains.

However, this month Cambridgeshire County Council and the Highways Agency began applying a more permanent fix to roads such as East Street, Cambridge Gardens and King’s Lane. “We thought people would probably appreciate it,” said Highways Agency spokesman Dajve Bedejas, “but all they’ve done is piss and moan about how they couldn’t park outside their front door for a couple of days.”

“It’s disgraceful,” said Cambridge Gardens resident Mimi Mona, 42. “I had to park behind Lidls for the last two days. It was free and there’s CCTV, but it was a good ninety-second walk home and that just ain’t good enough.”

Mona went on to complain that drivers had not been given enough warning about the resurfacing work. “They put a notice in the local paper,” she whinged, “but no fucker reads that do they? And they painted notices on the road itself saying it would be closed – you can’t see that if you’re walking around with your heads in the clouds as I often do, can you?”

Eastside greebos were also annoyed. “If there ain’t potholes and bumps,” said emo-looking teen Ralph Laurel, 15, “there’s nothing for me to hit side-on on my deck [skateboard] and impress the ladies. Or fall off and cry about whilst listening to My Chemical Romance. Either way, I’m shocked.”

Bedejas, who has worked for the Highways Agency for twenty years, said “Honestly, the residents of Eynesbury didn’t complain. People in Luke Street were happy they didn’t have to circumnavigate a six-foot pit every time they wanted to leave the house, and to be honest if the St Neots lot keep banging on at me I’ll put double yellow lines all the way around and THEN they’ll be fucked.”