A story in the national news today (Saturday) explained how children will be tested on non-words such as ‘zort’ and ‘koob’, to ensure they are not simply memorising words and regurgitating them like some sort of literary sparrow feeding it’s chicks.

St Neots educators were disgusted. “Despite the fact that most of us learned to read using phonics in the eighties and that,” said year 2 Crosshall teacher Andrew Parr, “we’ve decided this is a stupid idea and instead will teach children to speak how people actually do – chavspeak, basically.”

The Citizen attended a cross-school meeting of teachers held at Bushmead last week, where the main debate was around spellings of certain chavvy words. “We’re not sure,” said Priory headteacher Lisa Crawley, “whether it should be ‘blood’ or ‘blud’, for example. Many chavspeak words are essentially formed phonetically but there are, as with traditional English, some anomolies.”

It is proposed that new reading tests will pose youngsters questions and ask them to answer with a word or two, rather than merely spelling a word read out by a teacher. Questions will include “You meet your breds down by the river. There’s three of them and one bird. What is an appropriate greeting?” – the answer to this, of course, is “Safe fam, wha gwarn?”

More traditional educators were horrified. “It’s bad enough they’re all speaking like this,” said English teacher Sue Anders of Longsands, “without us encouraging it. Bunch of little twats.”

The new curriculum begins next week.

Local historians were today hailing the recent radar mapping of the old Priory site a success having discovered several important artefacts.

Artefacts dating back over 500 years were removed from the site to be catalogued at the nearby Council offices. Famous local historian Henry Tibbett commented, “We have found the remains of sticky carpet, a broken urinal, some dried vomit and some music by the medieval duo Dark Lace, well known for their crap tunes in the 1400′s.”

Uncultured

He went on, “It would appear that the nightlife in St Neots was just as shit 500 years ago as it is today.”

Management of St Neots premier nightspot The Priory, in the Market Square, were said to be pleased they were keeping up with the local tradition of providing a terrible evening’s entertainment.

Stella Fosters, manageress of the venue which is soon to alienate 90% of its customer base by instituting an over-21′s, no-trainers policy, commented “Sticky carpets, puke, crap music and broken bogs are all part of the experience we try to give our valued clients.”

“We can also boast excessive waiting times to get a drink, bad language and fat women in leggings,” she continued. “Of course, 500 years ago you could smoke your clay pipe indoors but I am pleased to say you can now have a smoke in the freezing cold and wet looking like a twat on the Market Square.”

Uncovered

Council Leader Julia Wayward was said to be very excited at the news as there was now firm evidence of ‘crap pubs’ going back centuries. “Continuity is vital, as are maintaining standards, people need to know what they can expect,” she said in a statement earlier today. “It certainly dispels the myths of great nights out to be had in days gone by.”

Unsafe

Small fragments of coloured glass found at the site have now been confirmed as part of a stained glass window, the Citizen was told exclusively today. It had been thought they had formed part of the 1431 Christmas lights display that fell down injuring a dwarf juggling jester taking part in the festivities.

The Priory Mall and Jade Bridge, empty for over 8 years

Paines Brewery on the Market Square has stood empty since the late eighties, and after years of stalling has finally been converted into shops, offices and maybe flats, said Cllr Roy Maloy today.
“Empty shops now make up a third of the town centre,” said Councillor Maloy. “This is a very important industry for St Neots.”
When new shops are made available in the area, the pattern is usually that they remain empty for up to six months before being occupied. Local free newspapers then proclaim the new businesses as a lifeline for the town, before they are crippled by extortionate rates and close down. The shops are then let to either charity shops, estate agaents or warehouse outlet discount stores.

The Paines Brewery was due to be occupied by an unnamed “major retailer” in 1997, rumoured to be Marks & Spencer. However, the deal collapsed after board members of a local department store, who sit on the council, got worried about their profits.

The Priory Mall (pictured) was due to be rennovated and occupied by another “major retailer” last year, but the council spent three months in dispute over a listed wall, between the Priory Mall and neighbouring Jade Bridge restaurant – which has also been empty for over 8 years.

The Citizen presented the evidence to Cllr Maloy who simply said, “Why do you need national chainstores when you can buy everything you need from St Neots’ Favourite Department Store? It has all that you’re looking for.”

Maloy is a majority shareholder of the store which recently closed all but three of it’s departments.