Local historians were today hailing the recent radar mapping of the old Priory site a success having discovered several important artefacts.

Artefacts dating back over 500 years were removed from the site to be catalogued at the nearby Council offices. Famous local historian Henry Tibbett commented, “We have found the remains of sticky carpet, a broken urinal, some dried vomit and some music by the medieval duo Dark Lace, well known for their crap tunes in the 1400′s.”

Uncultured

He went on, “It would appear that the nightlife in St Neots was just as shit 500 years ago as it is today.”

Management of St Neots premier nightspot The Priory, in the Market Square, were said to be pleased they were keeping up with the local tradition of providing a terrible evening’s entertainment.

Stella Fosters, manageress of the venue which is soon to alienate 90% of its customer base by instituting an over-21′s, no-trainers policy, commented “Sticky carpets, puke, crap music and broken bogs are all part of the experience we try to give our valued clients.”

“We can also boast excessive waiting times to get a drink, bad language and fat women in leggings,” she continued. “Of course, 500 years ago you could smoke your clay pipe indoors but I am pleased to say you can now have a smoke in the freezing cold and wet looking like a twat on the Market Square.”

Uncovered

Council Leader Julia Wayward was said to be very excited at the news as there was now firm evidence of ‘crap pubs’ going back centuries. “Continuity is vital, as are maintaining standards, people need to know what they can expect,” she said in a statement earlier today. “It certainly dispels the myths of great nights out to be had in days gone by.”

Unsafe

Small fragments of coloured glass found at the site have now been confirmed as part of a stained glass window, the Citizen was told exclusively today. It had been thought they had formed part of the 1431 Christmas lights display that fell down injuring a dwarf juggling jester taking part in the festivities.

“Well that’d be ideal wouldn’t it,” said self-thinking Eynesbury councillor Terrence Dougall. “I thought the old fire station was brilliantly inconvenient as a location, but ATS… well, it’s at the end of a one-way street, right near a residential development which floods lots. Perfect.”

Local residents were not so impressed. “What a pisstake,” said Navigation Wharf resident Jonathan Pepper, 42. “When I moved here I thought it would be posh, cos the road’s name ends in Wharf. I don’t want a ruddy great cinema over the road, it’s bad enough that there’s that riff-raff pub.”

Ignoring the fact the Woolpack has been on the site a lot longer than his yuppy townhouse, Pepper continued. “Clearly the place to put something like a cinema is in the town, where it can attract the maximum chavvy scum without the danger of someone parking in front of my house. I mean really, what is the world coming to.”

The council has been harping on about a cinema ever since millionaire Lord of the Manor Peter Rowley offered them a million pounds to do what they want with, despite the fact that cinemas are built by companies, not councils. Plans currently afoot see the cinema, two fast-food outlets and a restaurant built on the tiny site of the old fire station in Huntingdon Street. “Fucking brilliant,” commented one local wag. “What they gonna have, a plasma screen and a burger van? Nah, even that wouldn’t fit.”

Rowley could not be reached for comment.

Ignoring the fact that the Priory seemed to be busy as ever, a spokesman for Teeth-Moss Entertainment, who own the venue in the former Job Centre as well as similarly-doomed Stripes Bar & Grill in South Street, said “It just wasn’t viable.”

“People have been staying in,” he continued. “A tenner to get in and drink all night isn’t much, but we regularly had an empty club, we couldn’t understand it.”

The Citizen pointed out that the club, which opened a week late in July 2008, had no atmosphere, a sticky dance floor, shit music, piss-covered stairs, a rubbish smoking area, and a bizarre policy of closing at 12.30pm if attendance was low – just before all the other pubs kick out – but Teeth-Moss refused to budge, saying “we had a good VIP area”.

Local drinkers, who have long bemoaned the loss of former venue Shots & The Warehouse, with their much-missed central courtyard, were shocked. “Fark me,” said Nene Road resident Jason Ranham, 22. “Eleven months? I’m surprised the shit-tip stayed open that long!”

“Has it really been almost a year already?’ wondered Stacey Casey, 18, from Lindisfarne Close. “I only went twice and it was so awful I instantly forgot about it.”

Another recent casualty of the recession was rubbish dance pub Mix Bar, which has swiftly recovered under new management by turning back into it’s former self The Wrestlers. The Citizen caught up with Mix Bar’s previous landlord, Dave Breville-Toaster, at Huntingdon Job Centre. “Well it was the recession wasn’t it,” he said. “Nothing to do with the fact that I turfed out hundreds of regulars because I don’t like greebos.”

The latest pub to ignore the mantra “if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it” is the Pig ‘n’ Falcon, formerly the Falcon, opposite the Wrestlers, formerly Mix Bar formerly Wrestlers, in New Street, formerly Old Street, in St Neots, formerly Eynesbury, Cambridgeshire formerly Huntingdonshire… Watch out for our report on this new Real Ale pub coming as soon as one of our reporters fancies a pint.

Thousands of users got very upset when the site made using the new layout compulsory, when previously they could switch back to their preferred “old” layout.

The situation took a sinister turn in October when members began blaming the new Facebook, or TNFB, on all of life’s woes. Among the issues for which TNFB has been cited are the credit crunch; the technical error in the Large Hadron Collider which prevented us from knowing the answer to life, the universe and everything; annexing the Sudetendland; shooting Bambi’s mum and various rapes, murders and sex crimes.

Now, Westside residents have pointed the finger firmly at TNFB for the destruction of the historic Bell. Conveniently forgetting that the pub has been shut for some time, Great North Road resident Hayley Berry, 31, said “Where exactly am i supposed to drink now? i suppose it will have to be Brewsters with all them snot-nosed brats running around.”

Berry went on, “Clearly the new Facebook is to blame for the vanishing into a black hole of this once great watering hole.”

At the mention of black holes, the Citizen of course contacted CERN, whose Big Bang machine is reputed to be in a cave underneath St Neots. Spokesman Guillaume la Trec said that the Expert Scientists had looked into the problem and the LHC was certainly not to blame. “It is true a black ‘ole appeared and swallowed up zis public ‘ouse,” said la Trec, “but it was in fact just a large puddle of Guinness which ‘ad been disposed of over ze years in ze Bell.”

One internet commenter said, “First!”. Another said, “I don’t think TNFB knocked the pub down, but it is definitely planning to sell us greasy mechanically-recovered meat from the site, as well as providing a new destination for chavs and boy racers. I think it’s called Fried Chicken of kentucky or something.”

The New Facebook was unavailable for comment.

Dale E. Goszyp, of the St Neots Chinese Whispers Distribution Depot, said, “We’ve been perpetuating this rumour for years, and decided it was time to start it up again. Previous evidence has shown that if we repeat a rumour or theory for long enough, it will eventually come true.”

Ask any resident and you can often pick up the same gossip from many unconnected sources. Long-running rumours in the town, along with the KFC arrival, include Asda moving into the empty warehouse at Alpha Park and the High Street being pedestrianised – both of which are based entirely in fiction.

However, says Goszyp, not all rumours circulated by his secretive company are unfounded. “We told St Neots about Subway years before it opened, and Domino’s Pizza. We also correctly predicted the Handyman shutting down and are usually accurate with our predictions of opticians and estate agents moving into new-build empty shops.”

Eynesbury Riviera residents weren’t so sure. “Didn’t they tell us we’d be constantly flooded out?” asked Flawn Way homeowner Joyce Bergernstein. “I’ve certainly never woken up to find my cat floating down the garden path.” When the Citizen pointed out the river water swirling around her ankles she stated, “That’s just a water feature. I got the idea from Charlie Dimmock. Now where did I put my scuba gear? I need to go into my garage…”

Goszyp said that rumours and Chinese Whispers were at an all time high at the moment. Town Council leader Derek Miles said that, “It does look like KFC have put a planning application in for the Bell, which will mean the loss of yet another pub but a great opportunity to stuff your veins with cholestoral from reformed spicy chicken.” Paul Marcel was quick to point out that “Miles doesn;t have a clue. No pubs have closed down in St Neots for at least five minutes, and the Bell’s been shut for years.”

Wyboston residents were also said to be happy about the proposals. Frankie Gadsdizzle, 23, who lives in the village said, “USA Chicken’s a fuck of a long walk when you’re stoned and need some grease.” Reports that a cinema would be built next door were found to be completely untrue.

The front page of the Town Crier this week carried a story covering Collingwood Road resident Gordon Bennett’s plea for drivers to slow down on Nelson Road, “where a car smashed into a pub less than two weeks ago”.

This surprised many Eaton Socon residents who had always assumed the pub was on the Great North Road. “I knew I were pissed when I left the pub last week,” said Shakespeare Road man Bruce Swaine, “but I don’t remember having to walk from Nelson road! I must’ve had more than I thought.”

Strangely though, the Waggon still appeared to be on the corner of the Great North Road and Shakespeare Road when the Citizen investigated today. An Expert Scientist had this explanation: “It’s a disturbance in the space-time continuum or something,” he said. “The pub looks like it’s on the main road, and when you go there you walk through the doors at that location – and exit there also. It also doesn’t appear to take up any space in Nelson Road – but that is where it in fact is.”

Meanwhile, the article also stated that since the pub accident, “even more cars have been using the road as a rat-run”. The Citizen pointed out that this may be due to the fact that the official diversion was via Nelson Road, but the theory was rubbished by a former local councillor. Pete Gregory, speaking from his Eynesbury home, said, “This is obviously a load of old Gerald Tosh, man. It’s clear that we need seventeen speed bumps and at least three pedestrian crossings on this high-speed Nascar circuit of a road.”

Current councillors were unavailable for comment.

“Well,” said Peter Guinness, a spokesman for Pubmaster, “We noticed a lack of drive-thru’s in St Neots in general and realised that this was a great location! People love a drive-thru, the lazy buggers.”

On Sunday night, Pubmaster arranged for a drunken chav in a Nova to drive into the side of the pub, creating a large hole in the wall of the centuries-old hostelry. Guinness said, “Obviously no-one was going to accept planning permission for this, especially on a listed building, so we had to make it look like an accident. Then we can just get retrospective. Also people weaving across the road to drive into the building will help with traffic calming.”

It is thought the work, which has led to the Great North Road being closed for two days, will be completed by the end of the week, allowing people to order a pint without leaving the comfort of their family saloons and Chelsea tractors. “I for one love it,” said town council leader Derek Miles. “It’ll mean less drink driving actually, as people will just get one pint and drive away with it, rather than having two or three and then thinking it’s a good idea to drive home using just their knees.”

Conservative councillor Paul Marcel initially said the same, but upon hearing Miles’ point of view instantly began to argue. “It’s just like that fat-headed twerp to support an idea like this,” he ranted. “This drive-thru pub is a joke and will just mean that the Friday Night boy-racers will have an extra pit stop on their never-ending laps of the town.”

Friday night boy racer Kevin Wayne disagreed however. “Ain’t gonna spend three quid on a pint in the drive thru when I can get three litres of White Lightening for £1.99 am I?” he slurred. “As for them two councillors – grow up.”

The St Neots store was recently refurbished, and was advertised as being the first in the country to get the new “green glass” look. But residents of the Parklands estate, oppostie the store, became worried that the store was not of this world.

“Well,” said Paul Capel, of Caernarvon Way, “ever since the store re-opened after it were done up, there’s been this green light shining over Eynesbury. It’s really wierd. i thought nothing of it at first but now I have heard that Bob [Smethy] from two doors down were absucted by ‘em.”

Mr Smethy, 33, claimes he was beamed aboard the store late one Friday evening when walking home from the Cambridgeshire Hunter. “I were suddenly in this big white room,” he said. “These funny little beings, some red, some blue, were talkin’ to me in a strange voice, and I couldn’t make out a word of it. There were all these beeping noises going on as well. I were packin’ me pants, I can tell ya.”

Friends of Mr Smethy, who had been drinking with him that night in the Berkley Street pub, said he was “not pissed enough to imagine something like that.”

“I were tempted,” continued Smethy, “to put it down to bein’ a bit less than sober, like. But me mates said, ‘nah Bob, y’only had about nine pints’ so I thought it probably weren’t that. Still, I weren’t too worried – it were a one-off thing and, as far as I can tell, I didn’t get probed in any way, anal or otherwise.
Then I realised – Eynesbury manor! Them poor people shellin’ out hundreds of thousands to live within the radioactive field of this spacecraft. Somebody think of the children!”

No-one from the Cheshunt, Herts, based retailer was available for interview, but their press office issued the following statement:

“As far as we are concerned, Tesco St Neots is not, and has never been, an extra-terrestrial mothership of any kind. We believe Mr Smethy’s experience was down to being intoxicated. The red and blue ‘beings’ were in fact night-shift workers in their new uniforms, and the beeping noises were of course the 24-hour checkouts.
The green glow is caused by fluorescent lighting shining through the green glass. We are working on a way to reduce this.”

Despite Tesco’s reassurances, no houses were sold on Eynesbury manor this weekend – however this may be due to flooding. mr Smethy was taken to Hinchingbrooke Hospital to be “monitored”. No black helicopters were reported in the area.