Not content with rumours that the town is made up of inter-marrying cousins, and that the clap is airbourne in Eynesbury, Eastside chavs have now added “danger zone for dogs” to the list.

Local teen May Marston, of Barringer Way, had taken her too-young-to-be-outside puppy for a walk in Priory Park, when she put it down for a minute, as you do, and some “local yobs” either stamped, kicked or trampled it to death.

“This is a fucking outrage!” said almost everyone on the local St Neots forums, where ninety percent of the content of other local papers originates. “St Neots should be on the map for the new fence in Cambridge street or something, not shocking incidents of caninicide.”

Local councillor Steve van der Whitevanman was quick to blame “the system”, rather than the fact that these hoodies need a good punching. “But then again,” said one of his colleagues, “if this hadn’t happened we wouldn’t be in the Daily Mail or the Sun… I’m not saying it’s a good thing, but…”

A lynch mob was last night roaming the streets of St Neots, using small cats stolen from the Parklands area of Eynesbury as bait. “If I see so much as a Doc Marten coming in the direction of one of these kittens,” said torch-wielding mobster Aaron Ovitch, 41, “it’ll me the last move the little Duck Lane twat ever makes.”

Similar town Wantage, which previously attempted to sue St Neots for being too much like it, offered help and guidance to the local population. Mill Street man Eric Lichardson, 26, said “Perhaps your town should employ ethics instructors to teach Neotians that it’s not ok to kick little fluffy baby puppies with big cute eyes and floppy ears to a bloody savage death. Do you need help from
Wantage?”

Another resident commented, “I think we’ll have to nuke St Neots from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”

St Neots town council leader Julia Wayward was said to be seriously considering the offer.