The Citizen has always aimed to keep locals up to date on the terrible meteorlogical situation over the summer, as when we correctly predicted two years ago that it’d probably rain. “August bank holiday isn’t supposed to be pleasant,” said Michael Shark of the Met Office. “If it was sunny everyone’d be heading for the seaside and complaining that the roads were a nightmare – or worse still, a national embarrassment.”

Indeed, motoring organisations were the only ones predicting the opposite of misery over the last three-day break until Christmas. “Fuel has gone up so much that local garages are just writing ‘joke’ on their polesign where the price used to be,” explained AA spokesman Bill Flatyre, “and with the added bonus of all this rain we expect to see major routes pretty clear this weekend.”

RAC counterpart Andy Cambelt agreed. “If you can afford to head to Lowestoft or something you probably should,” he advised. “There’ll be loads of free parking and once you’ve filled the car up you might have enough cash left for a siggy bag of chips.”

Neotians, however, were nonplussed by this supposed good news. “They really must do something about this,” complained Irene Pavillion, 38, of Longsands Road. “I mean it really is not good enough.” When pressed on who “they” were and how exactly something could be done about the weather, Pavillion muttered something about the council.

Former council leader Julia Wayward was quick to retort. “I’m not a councillor any more, so I can safely tell you to stop being such a whiny bunch of bastards,” she said in a statement this morning. “Obviously it was going to rain – everyone’s already bought disposable barbecues and enough burgers to feed the Libyan rebels for a week. Idiots.”

Within minutes of the first cloud looming into view over St Neots, cllr King Cooper of Priory Park ward was on to the Citizen to blame Tory Paul Marcel. “It’s just not on,” said Cooper, “it was lovely and sunny yesterday and now it’s all cloudy. Probably the Tories’ fault!”

Marcel, meanwhile, and colleague Larry Hackman, were quick to point the finger squarely at self-styled Eynesbury activists Steve van der Whitevanman and Terrence Dougall. “I thought summer had come,” said award-winning councillor Hackman, “and then it went cloudy and there was a little bit of rain. You don’t expect it, do you? Liberal wankers.”

A spokesman for the Met office said that he wasn’t sure why everyone was so taken aback. “Honestly, we have 24 hours of sunshine and everyone gets the SPF50 out. It’s still officially winter until the 23rd, and even then it’s only spring, so it’ll rain even more. Stop looking so shocked.”

Although spending just over £3bn of taxpayers’ money and £1.33 from Anlian’s profits, the reserve tank capacity of 260.53 litres has proved inadequate.

Anglian spokesperson Hugh J. Bowness commented that “Once again the public of St Neots town – and let’s not forget those greedy villages – have succeeded in completely emptying Grafham Water by flushing the loo more than twice a month.”

Questioned over the unethical stance the company has taken in replacing the old mains with 0.001mm diameter pipes, he added “Our demographic studies show that St Neots is full of people who only drink beer and don’t wash, so why should they need water anyway?”

Asked whether Anglian would be introducing an immediate hosepipe ban, Bowness reiterated the company’s policy of “banning each and every hosepipe regardless of anything, absolutely anything.”

He continued – off the record – “…unless you’ve paid us a massive hose license fee and then you can leave it running day and night for all we care.”

Anglian Water can be contacted on 0871 CHRISTIMTHIRSTY. Calls charged at £20.00/second from BT landlines – calls from mobiles will cost considerably more.