“Redundancy could not have worked out better for me, my new job means I get to drive away every day. Now I spend less than 8 hours in the crummy shithole once my travelling is taken into account.”

Mr. Hatttttttt had been commenting on the decision by council officials to repair his whole road and not just the bits without cars on. “If I still had to get the train my car would have been tarmacked over and I wouldn’t have got me benefits.”

We asked Mr. Hatttttttttttttttt why he still lived in the town if he felt so good when he left it. “Fucked if I know, it just seemed easier to have a fucking good moan than admit the council were doing a reasonable job for once.”

We asked others for their feelings on staying in the town. “High street? What High street?” said Tilly Brook from Cromwell Road. “I only know how to get to station. I just sleep here.” she added.

Love’s Farm resident Gordon Manchester was equally confused “I honestly hadn’t a clue that this was anything other than a great big dormitory” he said.

Sir John Betjaman was unavailable for comment.

St Neots’ residential roads are well known to have the highest concentration of pot-holes per square metre anywhere in western Europe, and are often patched up with a weak papier mache mixture which disintegrates as soon as it rains.

However, this month Cambridgeshire County Council and the Highways Agency began applying a more permanent fix to roads such as East Street, Cambridge Gardens and King’s Lane. “We thought people would probably appreciate it,” said Highways Agency spokesman Dajve Bedejas, “but all they’ve done is piss and moan about how they couldn’t park outside their front door for a couple of days.”

“It’s disgraceful,” said Cambridge Gardens resident Mimi Mona, 42. “I had to park behind Lidls for the last two days. It was free and there’s CCTV, but it was a good ninety-second walk home and that just ain’t good enough.”

Mona went on to complain that drivers had not been given enough warning about the resurfacing work. “They put a notice in the local paper,” she whinged, “but no fucker reads that do they? And they painted notices on the road itself saying it would be closed – you can’t see that if you’re walking around with your heads in the clouds as I often do, can you?”

Eastside greebos were also annoyed. “If there ain’t potholes and bumps,” said emo-looking teen Ralph Laurel, 15, “there’s nothing for me to hit side-on on my deck [skateboard] and impress the ladies. Or fall off and cry about whilst listening to My Chemical Romance. Either way, I’m shocked.”

Bedejas, who has worked for the Highways Agency for twenty years, said “Honestly, the residents of Eynesbury didn’t complain. People in Luke Street were happy they didn’t have to circumnavigate a six-foot pit every time they wanted to leave the house, and to be honest if the St Neots lot keep banging on at me I’ll put double yellow lines all the way around and THEN they’ll be fucked.”

The road closure for work on the sewerage system was publicly announced just days before Iceland opened on the Market Square.  Many retailers have been left furious by this, and fear the closure will result in further loss of trade

Local shop owner, Mark Dawson comment: “The last thing we need right now, especially in the current climate.  With the road closed pedestrians may chose to walk down the road when it’s busy instead of walking into our shop.  I can’t understand why they’re unable delay the works until the middle of winter.”

A spokesman for Anglian Waters explained: “Over the past few years a number of factors have caused the increased burden on the sewerage system.  These factors range from housing developments which have increased the population, to the increased waste being generated from part of the Priory quarters.  Whilst it’s possible the road closure may have a small effect to retailers, without the work there is a risk of the sewerage pouring into the proverbial fan shop.”

Casey Jones was not available for comment.