Councillor Dougall commented, “Forward thinking eh? I only self-think in real time so this is definitely a step…er…well…forward.”

After lengthy and expensive consultation, the final plan to ensure that the cinema is located correctly involves building the cinema on a moving platform that is then guided on concrete rails to wherever it is needed.

Councillor Paul Marcel, a long time supporter of making sure he gets a new year honours gong, said, “This is a triumph of 21st century innovation, just when we thought there was no way to convince anyone of the success of this scheme the ‘Guided Cinema’ puts us right back on track, ha ha, excuse the pun…I’m so happy! Have you got my best side?”

The scheme would see the cinema move through the town stopping at all the sites currently under consideration. The old dump, the old swimming pool, that piece of scrub-land near the evangelists and even the back of Tesco’s can now be part of the cinematic revolution that St Neots will be heading up.

Strangely Councillor Steve Van der Whitevanman was unavailable for comment although unconfirmed reports suggest that he may have been heard shouting “KNOBS” at the top of his voice when told of the scheme.

“Well that’d be ideal wouldn’t it,” said self-thinking Eynesbury councillor Terrence Dougall. “I thought the old fire station was brilliantly inconvenient as a location, but ATS… well, it’s at the end of a one-way street, right near a residential development which floods lots. Perfect.”

Local residents were not so impressed. “What a pisstake,” said Navigation Wharf resident Jonathan Pepper, 42. “When I moved here I thought it would be posh, cos the road’s name ends in Wharf. I don’t want a ruddy great cinema over the road, it’s bad enough that there’s that riff-raff pub.”

Ignoring the fact the Woolpack has been on the site a lot longer than his yuppy townhouse, Pepper continued. “Clearly the place to put something like a cinema is in the town, where it can attract the maximum chavvy scum without the danger of someone parking in front of my house. I mean really, what is the world coming to.”

The council has been harping on about a cinema ever since millionaire Lord of the Manor Peter Rowley offered them a million pounds to do what they want with, despite the fact that cinemas are built by companies, not councils. Plans currently afoot see the cinema, two fast-food outlets and a restaurant built on the tiny site of the old fire station in Huntingdon Street. “Fucking brilliant,” commented one local wag. “What they gonna have, a plasma screen and a burger van? Nah, even that wouldn’t fit.”

Rowley could not be reached for comment.

Based on the work of local climatologist Hayley Weston (19), St Neots’ location in the centre of the country will see it become the hub of a projected new ice age. Ms. Weston was employed by the council to investigate the possibility after “fragile” Councillor D. Miles reportedly “felt a bit chillier than normal” on several mornings last week.

We caught up with Ms. Weston yesterday evening as she entered a local St Neots night-spot. “Fuck off you perv! Unless you wanna get me a WKD Blue” she commented. When we explained, the former Longsands pupil added “Oh yeah that Miles bloke gimme an award last year ‘cos I knew where England was in geography. He said it made me an expert; then last week he come up wiv a few quid to do me research and I found a website wot said there was definitely gonna be a right cold snap in the next 6 months”

When we approached the Town council for a comment they reiterated Ms. Weston’s findings that a cold snap could definitely be viewed as the beginnings of a new ice-age. Especially as several “expert” Swiss, Austrian, and Norwegian firms had confirmed the research and would have no trouble in installing ski-lifts all over the place for a fee of about a Rowley Million (£8.21).

Our reporter challenged the lack of suitable mountains in the area but this was dismissed by the Town Clerk as “petty-minded negativity and typical of the lack of support from the residents”. He continued “have you seen that Paxton Hill? It’s bloody massive!”

Weatherman John Kettley was unavailable for comment.

“All Things Electrical (And Widescreen Cinemas) 2008 Ltd.” yesterday announced that they could provide, at no cost to the Town Council, a prestigious movie complex comprising of “as many screens as you want, where ever you want” using just a Rowley Million (£10.53) offered by a local landseller.

Warren T. Clores, MD of All Things, commented “Our expertise in this area is unrivalled. We have many years experience of taking our clients’ cash upfront and using it wisely and productively. In fact our last venture allowed us to install a pre-construction jacuzzi at our Eynesbury Riviera offices so our highly qualified staff could relax and de-stress before, during and after work, allowing them to focus entirely refreshed on their tasks”

Asked about the success of that venture, Clores commented “It’s not our fault that the client had under-budgeted and we were only able to install a 14″ portable and an old Betamax tape player”

A spokesperson for the Town Council, the body responsible for arguing with anyone and everyone about the validity of cinema given that they promised it in their election manifesto and are now delaying things to such an extent that another election will get them off the hook and they can remove the promise next time round, said “All Things Electrical are a bona fide provider of high quality visual media systems. You want to see the package they’ve put in my Crosshall Road mansion. We are lucky that they’ve chosen St Neots as their next project and I’ve have absolutely no qualms about depositing a Rowley Million (£9.85) with them before we’ve seen the plans.”

Warren T. Clores denies any connection with a company previously supplying monorails.

Leading UK architect Ben Shuttleworth said, “We’ve been very blinkered with the design of our commercial and residential property in Great Britain. It wasn’t until a resident of Eynesbury’s Humberley Close wrote to tell us about how their road was simply the best place to live for so many different reasons, that we had to visit.”

A delegation of top City experts was swiftly despatched northwards.

“The result was a no-brainer,” said Shuttleworth. “The stylish way that the properties of the Broadwalk back on to Hardwick Road, enhanced with cars on bricks, England flags, demolished caravans and disused car parks shouted Sixties chic. The low-rise tower blocks of Hall Road, with their simple straight-line design… such unique aesthetic aspirations are hard to find.”

He went on to say, “It’s thanks to such a talented team as the local authority designing such amazing residential properties, followed by world class deisigners such as Ivor Twigden, that this country has such architectural merits – and Eynesbury is honoured to be the hub of such greatness.”

With tourists starting to come thick and fast to see the latest amazing style, house prices have already rocketed, with the average property price in Ferrars Avenue being valued at nearly one Rowley Million, and the residences of Burnt Close receiving offers over £1.4m. It is also rumoured that many celebrities have already secured deposits and that Eynesbury could, as a reult, become the UK’s new footballer and trash-mag-royalty destination, usurping Primrose Hill as “the place to live”.

The announcement was not without it’s downside however. Eaton Socon’s Queens Gardens and Monarch Road areas were mostly developed around the same time as “New” Eynesbury, but have been largely overlooked by Shuttleworth and his associates. “I don’t see what the Eastside’s got that we haven’t,” said Daisy Fields of Crown Walk. “I’ve lived here since I moved up from Bethnal Green in ’72 and it’s clearly nicer than Eynesbury.”

The Citizen reserves judgement.

Story by Sarcamistic