“It’s been proven that when boys and girls are seperated,” said principal Robert Whatnow, “they learn better and stop fucking about. Some of them might actually get the odd GCSE instead of an ASBO.”

The school claims that it has conducted extensive research into the idea, which will see boys learning at Longsands and girls at the Eynesbury counterpart. However, a teacher who did not wish to be named rubbished that idea. “What actually happened,” he said, “is that someone watched Waterloo Road last week and decided to copy them. Obviously it’s not going to make them learn any better, but it might slow the rate of pregnancy among our year nines, where there is a higher birth rate than India, China or even Cambourne.”

County, District and town councillors were cock waving all day on the results. “You see, us Tory councillors have it all worked out,” said Larry Hackman. “Whoever said that my County and District counterparts were running the area in to the ground?”

Cllr Dave Lung, County Education spokesman and town councillor, said “It is a wonderful day for pupils and parents of St Neots.”

Sandra Smith of Church Street, Eynesbury, said she was “Delighted that my Billy got into Longsands, away from that rough SNCC place.”

But Mr Grim of Berkerly Street is not to sure about the results. “Seems to be a cop-out to me. Ain’t they re-branding SNCC as Longsands?”

Cllr Lung refused to comment further, only adding, “Whinging peasants, can’t they just be grateful they got their first choice school? Where is that moat cleaner, he’s only gone and left some leaves floating.”

Lib Dem town councillors have asked self-thinking councillor Terrence Dougall to respond to the Tory councillors press release. He is still thinking.

Spokeswoman for the parents association and town busybody Ms. Thorninside attacked the decision to envelope school playgrounds with metal wire fences at a council meeting, saying “It surely is not necessary to cage our children within school grounds in this manner.” She went on to describe theses changes as creating “…prison playgrounds.”

Local Councillor Mr Whitevanman responded stating “How else do you expect us to keep the little fuckers in?”

The furore has escalated still further this week and has even resulted in questions being raised in Parliament. The Secretary for Education, Ostrich Headinsand MP, when questioned by the opposition on the Government’s decision to take such measures, responded in surprisingly candid fashion saying, “Everyone knows that the modern curriculum is a pile of bollocks designed to churn out a generation of morainic, illiterate kidults while simultaneously increasing national pass rates. We are already stretching public opinion dangerously thin, so much so  that even the ritalin-infested youth can smell the bullshit a mile off. This is the only obvious solution to stop the youngsters from escaping state-sponsored brainwashing. I mean, we can’t have children that are capable of thinking and learning for themselves can we? Where would that leave us?”

Out of a job this reporter would contend.

The debate rages on.

A baby-boom in the overgrown housing estate means that Cambourne’s birth rate per thousand women, at 24.1, is now higher than that of India and China. In fact so many children are appearing in the town that a third primary school has opened to cope with demand, and is so new it doesn’t even have a name.

“Clearly what’s happened here is plain to see,” said NHS maternity spokesman Mike Primark. “There’s nothing to do in Cambourne apart from go to Morrisons or the pub, so everyone is just staying at home shagging. It’s disgraceful, really, these ladies should learn some self control.”

Rumours amongst residents that some mysterious airbourne fertility drug was being pumped around the local supermarket were swiftly denied by managers. “That’s crap isn’t it,” said supervisor Tessa Cohen, 23. “I’d have more than five kids by now if that were true.”

Another local parent, Jonathan Hutchence, 32, who moved to the village in 2002 said “There’s always been a lag between building houses and building other amenities. What exactly do you think a young couple are going to do to keep themselves entertained when we haven’t even got a swimming pool yet?”

Pushing her twins along the high street, Marie Watkins, 32, mum of three, said: “It’s great. It brings a vibrancy to the village to have so many children around. And at least it proves we’re good at something.”