Mr Sampson, speaking form his chair just outside cafe Nero, said “I’m fed up with newspapers makin’ out we’re all tiny minded, insular bigots with nothing but time on our hands to moan about speed bumps and crap Christmas lights.” He added, “so I thought I’d use my years of experience in writing letters complaining about stuff that doesn’t really matter to better effect. So I’m sitting here saying that there’s no such thing as small town mentality ‘cos i said so.”

Quick to grab any hare-brained anecdotal theory as a way of saving money the National Health Service (NHS) reportedly slashed funding to local GP’s and Health Trusts dealing with any sign of mental problem claiming Mr Sampson “was right.”

Kim Stonely-Bolton, spokesperson for the local NHS Trust, said, “Of course Mr Sampson is right because the Government told us he is.” He continued “there’s little left to add” and further stated “I have nothing further to state.”

Loads of local councillors were available for comment; we just couldn’t be bothered to print them.