Tag Archive
Rude Road Comes Under Fire
The latest road to gain a name on Far Eastside estate Love’s Farm has come under fire for being a bit rude. Belland Hill, which gained it’s name sometime in the last couple of weeks, is not named after anything in particular, according to councillors and developers. However, the name is just one vowel... »
EXCLUSIVE: Naked Skateboarder Revealed!!
Always first with the stories that really matter The Citizen can exclusively reveal the identity of St Neots’ early morning 4-wheeled wonder to be none other than Award Winning Local Councillor Larry Hackman. Hackman (3.5 inches) was spotted by sharp-eyed local man Gordon McQueen while out walking his dog this week. “I couldn’t believe... »
Council Plans More Bins
Following news that a council in the Frozen North is using up to nine wheelie bins for each house, HDC today announced a radical new plan for the district’s recyclables. Currently, most people have three wheelie bins, or different coloured bags for their rubbish. The new system will include up to 87 different coloured... »
Lib Dem Posters Cause Confusion
A local Lib Dem attempt to simplify electoral posters has back fired in spectacular fashion, it was revealed yesterday. Long and complicated second names like Gdnagley and van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver have lead to a plague of difficult to spell names displayed all over St Neots. Pre-empting this confusion, local parliamentary... »
White Elephant May Be Grey
Rumours currently circulating St Neots have it that the white elephant building at Alpha Park, Eaton Socon – otherwise known as “that shit-off massive empty warehouse” – may not be so white after all. Beatty Broadband, director of the St Neots Rumour Mill and Chinese Whisper Distribution Depot, today said that the company often... »
Town To Abandon Pound?
It was sensationally revealed tonight that, if elected, the Lib Dems plan to opt St Neots out of the United Kingdom’s currency, the Great British Pound. “The quid is a bit of an outdated concept,” said Steve van der Whitevanman at this evening’s press conference, “seeing as everything costs so fucking much now. I... »
News In Recession – Official
The Editor of the St Neots Citizen today apologised for the lack of recent updates, saying “really, guys, there is fuck all to report.” He went on, “We promised less councillor bitching, moaning and cock-waving than other papers, but we can’t deliver that right now as that is all the councillors are doing. “It’s... »
Councillor sticks one up The Citizen
In an extraordinary turn of events anonymous anti-social self-thinking Councillor Terrence Dougall, who is currently the subject of a restraining order, has made sense. The Citizen offices were today struck dumb by the rational, logical and non-sensationalist comments by Dougall regarding the planned opening of a new Ice Cream Parlour. Dougall’s planning report stated... »
CEO Caught Short
The St Neots toilet closures have claimed their first high profile casualty. HDC CEO Davis Munts was seen fleeing Barrtts department store using obscene language after trying to use the cafe toilet without buying anything. Frightened staff were shaking after a tiraid of abuse from Mr Munts after being told that he would need to buy... »
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