Tag Archive
Councillor sticks one up The Citizen
In an extraordinary turn of events anonymous anti-social self-thinking Councillor Terrence Dougall, who is currently the subject of a restraining order, has made sense. The Citizen offices were today struck dumb by the rational, logical and non-sensationalist comments by Dougall regarding the planned opening of a new Ice Cream Parlour. Dougall’s planning report stated that “It’s... »
CEO Caught Short
The St Neots toilet closures have claimed their first high profile casualty. HDC CEO Davis Munts was seen fleeing Barrtts department store using obscene language after trying to use the cafe toilet without buying anything. Frightened staff were shaking after a tiraid of abuse from Mr Munts after being told that he would need to buy from the... »
St Neots Declares Independence!
A group of councillors and locals calling themselves the “St Neots Popular Front” today declared independence from the UK. The new People’s Liberal-Conservative Democratic Socialist Republic of St Neots will aim to stop people whinging about the lack of services they get from their council tax, amongst other things. It is hoped that the new single... »
Conservationists Up In Arms Over Car Park
Local historians and conservationists were today up in arms following a recent town council decision to repair the church car park in Eaton Socon. The car park has been in a terrible state for years and was closed by the council on safety grounds. However, local resident and chairman of the local history group Dorothy... »
All Council Decisions To Be Based On Facebook
Following national media coverage of the “St.Neots Needs A Cinema” Facebook group, St Neots Town Council today announced plans to base all future policies and decisions on Facebook groups. The group, which has the “tremendous support” of around 2,500 members and spells the town name incorrectly, has been cited in local and national papers as... »
Police Keen To Blame All Crimes On Unique
Local law enforcers were today said to be glad that they had a scapegoat for every single crime committed in the five weeks that the Unique bar, on South Street, was open. “It seems a likely target,” said local copper PC George Plotkiss. “Now the bar has been shut down, we can say that every... »
Council Blamed For Less Snow
Huntingdonshire District Council were today under fire from St Neots residents, who claimed that St Neots was not getting it’s fair share of snow. The town’s location in a geographically distinct “bowl” or dip means that the temperature in St Neots is on average 1.5º higher than Huntingdon or Cambridge, but also means that locals... »
“No Such Thing As An Isolated Incident” Says Councillor
Local councillor Steve van der Whitevanman hit out at claims that a man getting his ear bitten off and an attempted shooting at Unique this week were “isolated incidents”. “I find it hard to believe this was isolated,” said van der Whitevanman as the Citizen paraphrased his post from the St Neots forums. “Less than... »
Confusion As No-One Sure If Christmas Lights Switched On
Local residents today expressed uncertainty as to whether last night’s “Big Switch On” had in fact gone ahead. The usual events surrounding the illuminations went ahead as planned yesterday (Friday), including a rubbish fair with about four rides, and displays from various local dance troupes and suchlike. But Grosvenor Gardens resident and former manager of the... »
Shock As Citizen Avoids Predictable Christmas Lights Story
Readers were shocked today as the Citizen avoided publishing a predicatable story about St Neots’ rubbish festive illuminations. Editor Tim C said, “You couldn’t make it up really, so why even try? “Over the past few years we have had increasingly awful Christmas lights displays, ever since that one gantry fell down on some pedestrian.” The lights... »
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