Belland Hill, which gained it’s name sometime in the last couple of weeks, is not named after anything in particular, according to councillors and developers.

However, the name is just one vowel away from a slang term for part of the male anatomy – or rather the end of part of the male anatomy. This has got citizens a bit riled up.

“This is disgraceful,” said Stone Hill resident Mick Trucknell, 42. “It’s bad enough living on roads called Hill when there’s only a 0.5% incline, but making the first part of the name this explicit? They might as well have erected a sign calling it Nobend Close!”

Councillors were, predictably, not forthcoming about the new name. “The thing is,” said former council leader Derek Miles, “it’s usually the councillors who suggest names for the new roads, so one of them is clearly having a giggle. Maybe it’s got something to do with all the cock-waving going on now we’re friends with the Tories?”

Lib Dem town and now District Councillor Steve van der Whitevanman, whose email address is now a record 746 characters long, strongly denied adjusting the final A on the roadsign to an E, despite having smudgy black marker-pen ink all over his hands. “I was, er, drawing a poster, yes that’s it,” said WVM yesterday. “I certainly didn’t change the sign to say Balland or any other connotation…”

In other news, the Citizen has resorted to nob gags, and is very sorry,

Hackman (3.5 inches) was spotted by sharp-eyed local man Gordon McQueen while out walking his dog this week.

“I couldn’t believe it!” said Mcqueen. “There I was giving the old miniature poodle a trot through the Riverside Park about 7 when… wahey! Out pops the old feller on a customised Enjoi deck with nothing on but a pair of Etnies and a Union Jack helmet! He did a couple of back-flips and a rather spectacular nose-grind before treating us to his trademark cock wave. A couple of ladies were a bit shocked at first but were soon giggling with the rest of us.”

We caught up with Hackman later in the day. “Yes, it was me,” confided Lackman. “We’ve been trying to work up an election campaign based on my recent prestigious award. You did know I’d won an award didn’t you? My election strategists have seen my popularity soar on the back of it. By combining skateboarding, nudity and patriotism they think I’ll be appealing to the youth, female and nationalist vote. And I can cock wave without using my hands. None of the people I’m up against can do that!”

Hackman’s campaign manger, Citizen Editor Tim C, was a little more sheepish. “Yeah, Larry approached me at the award ceremony and asked if I could advise him on the forthcoming campaign seeing as I’m a media expert. I couldn’t pass on the opportunity could I?” said a grinning C.

Alastair Campbell was unavailable for comment.

Currently, most people have three wheelie bins, or different coloured bags for their rubbish. The new system will include up to 87 different coloured bags and fourteen bins.

“We think this is definitely the way forward,” said district councillor for Eaton Ford Rob Barrier. “The new scheme will allow people to properly sort their recycling and cut down on the confusion of what goes in which bin.”

Indeed, the new system is much more specific. Milk bottles, for example, go in the purple-with-yellow-stripes bag, whilst milk bottle lids go in the grey-with-pink-flowers bin. Other types of plastic are separated too: Coca-Cola bottles go in the see-through bin with squiggly lines on it, whilst Dr Pepper drinkers will dispose of their empty containers in the box with a picture of Spongebob Squarepants on it.

“Once everyone gets used to it,” said Barrier, “we’ll all wonder ‘why did it take so long to implement such a brilliant scheme?”

Eynesbury resident Joshua Nicassist, 34, called the scheme “absolute ridiculous bollocks.”

“Honestly,” he said, “where am I going to put my fourteen bins? I live in a flat for fuck’s sake. And the binbags – apparently they’ll only be collected when full, about every seven or eight weeks. They’re just going to end up ripped open by cats who will then be disappointed to find nothing edible inside!”

Indeed, the felines of St Neots look set to face disappointment. Meat and bones cannot be thrown into any of the bins, and residents must find a way to dispose of these items themselves. “What are we supposed to do with the leftovers from a Sunday roast, then?” asked Whitehouse man Jimmy Saddle, 67. “I suppose I could mould last week’s cabbage to look like an empty Snickers wrapper, and put it in the shiny bag with sequins on it, and maybe the carrots could pass as unused pens and go in the stationery bag – the one made out of tinfoil with hearts and butterflies drawn on. Fuck knows what I’ll do with the gravy though.”

This reporter, who drinks approximately seven gallons of tea per day, is more concerned about what to do with his used teabags. Councillor Barrier said, “I don’t see what the problem is. We’re providing a lovely net bag made out of rice paper for teabags – it will do the job perfectly, and be collected every six months.”

Long and complicated second names like Gdnagley and van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver have lead to a plague of difficult to spell names displayed all over St Neots.

Pre-empting this confusion, local parliamentary candidate Marvin Land had changed his name to “something easy to spell”. His original family name of Rumplestiltskin was seen to be too confusing in an environment where long and difficult to spell names were in vogue.

Land commented, “We were concerned that too many long, hard to spell names might confuse the electorate and lead to election fatigue which would be no good for any of us. So after van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver declined the offer to shorten his name I felt I had to.”

The plans, however, have lead to confusion amongst road users, residents and ramblers alike. The Town Hall has been “inundated” with calls asking where Marvin Land is and where the borders start and finish. A member of staff who did not wish to be named said, “I have to admit there were a few laughs in the office when pensioners and lorry drivers were calling to say they had entered Marvin Land. Lols.”

Local resident Ethel Farqhuit, 79, said, “We were coming back from Roxton when we saw all these Marvin Land signs, my husband Ron was worried as we didn’t have our passports, we thought we were in Cambridgeshire, no one told us about this new country. We blame the district council”

Local haulier Dave Skandia was also confused. “Nothing showed up on the sat nav, there were no border controls, my mate Bob said it might be a bit like Arnhem Land in Australia but wetter and colder.”

Huntingdon District Council were asked to comment and made the following statement:

“There is no such place as Marvin Land and to our knowledge there has been no declaration of independence locally. We assume he must be a person, even though nobody has ever physically seen him, and people should not be concerned that they may be in a different country.”

Local councillor Steve van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver, who shortened hsi name to van der Whitevanman, told the Citizen “There’s no such place but wouldn’t it be good if we could declare independence from those tossers at district?”

Local candidate Jonathon Gdangley said he knew Marvin Land and said “he is certainly no country but soon could be if he got any bigger.”

Beatty Broadband, director of the St Neots Rumour Mill and Chinese Whisper Distribution Depot, today said that the company often releases rumours surrounding the future of the empty-since-completion warehouse, next to B&Q, in the hope that one of them will become true.

“Lots of things end up happening because we start a ridiculous rumour about them,” said Broadband, “such as KFC, Iceland and M&S opening in the town.” Indeed, such retailers previously seemed unlikely to open a branch in St Neots until the company got everyone discussing it.

SNRMCWDD, who are yet to make up a name which can be turned into a faintly amusing acronym, are also thought to be behind the massively pointless cinema campaign of recent years, despite denials from Broadband, who says the firm does not deal in lost causes. “We chuck that one through occasionally,” said a company insider who did not want to be named, “just for the lols really. It’ll never happen, but it’s real fun watching people get worked up about it.”

The latest rumour involves the use of the warehouse as the world’s largest greetings card retailer, of which St Neots currently suffers a deficiency. “There’s only about six card shops in the town right now,” said director of Card Universe Simon Sheen, “which is clearly not enough. Especially once we get the unbirthday recognised, which as anyone who enjoys novels written by kiddie-fiddlers will know is a successful card-giving occasion in Wonderland.”

It is thought that the company will occupy the entire warehouse, earlier moves to split it in two having been thwarted by overzealous Health & Safety officers. “Theoretically,” said HSE spokesman Don Kwon, “if you put a wall in somebody might walk into it, and that’d never do”.

English Heritage were aghast at the idea. The group says the warehouse is clearly going to be empty forever, so is working on having it listed immediately to save them the aggro in the future.

“The quid is a bit of an outdated concept,” said Steve van der Whitevanman at this evening’s press conference, “seeing as everything costs so fucking much now. I mean, only today I put a couple of litres of diesel in – and I could’ve spent that money on a pint!”

“They’re not wring you know,” said Oi!! magazine editor and Citizen correspondent Thundopolous P. Staker. “£2.60 I paid to park at Hinchingbrooke – that’s a PINT that is!!”

Councillor Julia Wayward, who has been rather quiet recently, said that “the pint seems like an ideal unit of currency. I mean, everyone keeps going on about it, and how useful to have just one coin to buy a drink.”

She went on to explain that, despite the fact that 82% of residents consume at least three times their weekly recommended allowance of alcohol every day, the “pint” would not in fact be real pints, but instead coins would be minted and notes printed.

The Tories were quick to rubbish the Lib Dem plans, which have swung today’s opinion polls in their favour. “They haven’t really thought this through,” said award-winning councillor Larry Hackman. “No two pubs in town charge the same for a pint of the same beer. What should it be based on? An average? And then should it be ales or that fizzy lager rubbish? Or maybe even alcohol-free beer, as if anyone in St Neots serves that! Lols…”

The Lib Dems responded to Hackman’s unusually good-natured comments by saying “Look, just cos he’s won some sort of award doesn’t mean he’s right. We already decided the St Neots Pint will be worth £2.60 at launch. The coins will be made of glass – we can’t really see a problem with that – and divided into 568 sub units known as the ‘mil’ – just like a pint of lovely beer with all it’s millilitres. Mmmm.”

Councillors Dougall, Van der Whitevanman, Miles and Wayward were all said to be rather merry at the press conference, which a spokesman blamed on “high spirits, and nothing more. “Not high enough spirits by the looks of it,” chuckled veteran madcap councillor Bob Farms – “clearly they could still reach them! Ho ho.”

He went on, “We promised less councillor bitching, moaning and cock-waving than other papers, but we can’t deliver that right now as that is all the councillors are doing.

“It’s getting a bit daft to be honest; I’ve reported on Steve van der Whitevanman having a scrap with Tesco enough times. The other lot aren’t doing ANYTHING.”

Rest assured the Citizen will have some news as soon as something happens – unlike rival the News, Crier and Something.

That paper’s editor, Matt Scottish, said “Tim’s right, shit all has happened recently apart from councillors trying to increase the size of their balls. I’ve had to resort to reporting on that fucking busway that comes nowhere near the town and never will.”

It is thought that, election promises aside, 2010 will bring approximately 64% less news than the previous year. “Like for like this is a terrible decline,” said Hunts Post-It editor Mr E. Mann. “The local councils need to at least come up with some new complaints to reverse this alarming ‘news recession’.”

The Citizen offices were today struck dumb by the rational, logical and non-sensationalist comments by Dougall regarding the planned opening of a new Ice Cream Parlour.

Dougall’s planning report stated that “It’s just too cold in this country for another ice cream outlet. Couple that with the detrimental effect it will have on children’s teeth, we just had to turn it down. Our local dentists have enough to do as it is.”

“What the fuck are we going to do now?” screamed the Citizen’s Editor, Tim C. “Our whole fucking business strategy is based on this bloke screwing up regularly.”

Regular Citizen hacks were reportedly shaking in their boots at the outburst. One, who chose to remain anonymous, said “Fuck this, I’m off back to Oi!!, I’ve seen him playing Russian Roulette with the P45′s.”

Industry experts have been quick to point out the now vulnerable position of the Town’s only independent news outlet. “It’s about time these wannabes got a taste of their own medicine” said local news editor Matt Scottish.

Rupert Murdoch was unavailable for comment.

HDC CEO Davis Munts was seen fleeing Barrtts department store using obscene language after trying to use the cafe toilet without buying anything.

Frightened staff were shaking after a tiraid of abuse from Mr Munts after being told that he would need to buy from the cafe to use the toilet facilities.

Betty Taylor-Harrogate, Barretts’ cafe cashier, was shocked to see such behaivour from Mr Munts, “I was scared and shocked, he was like a wild animal. All he kept screamimng was that he was touching cloth and need to use the toilets urgently.”

“‘Turtle’s head or not’, I said, ‘unless to buy a tea or scone your not using the facilities’.”

At this point an enraged Mr Munts fled the store and was seen heading in direction of Westgate’s. But quick thinking Barretts staff phoned ahead to give advance warning.

Having been seen off by staff at the Co-op department store, Mr Munts was seen heading to the soon-to-be-charged-for Lidl car park with a whiff in the air.

Mr Munts denied St Neots Citizen comment.