The Local Government Agency was quoted yesterday as saying “For many years, councillors have over used superlatives at meetings in order to stand a better chance of being quoted in the local press. We feel this cynical use of the English Language should be regulated and must stop.”

Lex Econ, from the Local Government Agency, went on: “We feel that certain words are being over used and should be regulated and rationed. Such words as excited, very excited and excellent are the main offenders.”

Local Councillor Bob Farms commented “This really is an excellent idea and I think the prospect of rationed superlatives is extremely exciting.”

However, other councillors were less impressed, and felt it would be a curb on their freedom to exaggerate their feelings. Speaking and thinking for himself, cllr Terrence Dougall said “I don’t like this new rule. It totally, utterly and completely prevents us from saying anything.”

Local press hacks admitted to having a ratings systems to decide who gets quoted. Reporter Sue Wurzel of the Hunts Poster revealed that they “actually have a marking system, for example an excellent gets 3, an excited gets 1, a very excited gets 2 marks. We add all the marks up and the councillor with the highest score is quoted in the paper, seems fair to me. Now we have no idea who the fuck to quote, unless someone comes out with some particularly bizarre ramblings.”

News Crier and Something editor Matt Scottish said, “There’s a lot less strangeness about now ASS-sufferer Derek Miles is no longer Council leader, so we tend to follow the ratings system instituted by the Hunts Poster years ago.”

Councillors were said to be holding a special Town Council meeting to decide on how many superlatives each councillor can use and in what context. Those breaking the new rules will be expected to report to the Town Clerk to explain their actions.

Speaking to the Citizen today, Eynesbury councillor Steve van de Whitevanman and council leader Julia Wayward commented “We are both extremely excited at this most totally excellent plan and think its fucking bloody marvellous. How many points was that Jules?”

The Local Government Agency later informed the Citizen that curses and swearing were also currently under review.