“It’s been proven that when boys and girls are seperated,” said principal Robert Whatnow, “they learn better and stop fucking about. Some of them might actually get the odd GCSE instead of an ASBO.”

The school claims that it has conducted extensive research into the idea, which will see boys learning at Longsands and girls at the Eynesbury counterpart. However, a teacher who did not wish to be named rubbished that idea. “What actually happened,” he said, “is that someone watched Waterloo Road last week and decided to copy them. Obviously it’s not going to make them learn any better, but it might slow the rate of pregnancy among our year nines, where there is a higher birth rate than India, China or even Cambourne.”

“What is it with this place? All the buggy-pushers in here look like Vicky Pollard!”

Startlingly it soon became apparent that the observer of this phenomenon was none other than Mrs OC who had, for the umpteenth time, been barged out of the way by a trolley filled with pampers, Coke Zero, chicken nuggets, budget DVD’s and 3 kids under 5.

“Easy love,” I warned. “The last time the guv’nor published anything about this place he was almost strung up on the Gibbet!”

“Well, just look at ‘em. That one there, look, that’s got to be Matt Lucas from the telly, surely?” she said.

Indeed , pink leggings, white tee shirts-2 sizes too small and day-glo pink bras were pretty much everywhere. However the Citizen understands that this extraordinary cloning has nothing to do with the recent re-switching on of the Large Hadron Collider that purportedly runs under St Neots and its environs.

David Walliams was unavailable for comment.