Ingredients

150g-200g dried taglietelle per person
4 Laughing Cow triangles nicked from the fridge of a mum or nan
Cheap ham offcuts pinched from Tesco whilst ostensibly purchasing a copy of the Sport (haha, boobs)

Method

Cook the pasta in some water. If you don’t know how to get the gas on, just imagine it’s a large Sovereign and light it that was. If electric, purchase gloves.
When the pasta is nearly done, get a frying pan from Westgate and heat that up too. Open your Laughing Cow triangles.
Throw the wrappers in an alleyway for they are mere rubbish.
Melt down the cheesy stuff and stir in some hams. Obtain beans; throw them at Grubby Pete who has just arrived near the kitchen to ask why you’re writing his column.
If the beans don’t scare him off/satiate his hunger, go up S&S and buy a three-litre bottle of White Ace using your big brother’s expired passport as proof of age.
Check the pasta is cooked by dipping your friend’s stupid fingers in it. That’ll teach him to finger that bird you were eyeing up, the bastard!
Stir the whole sorry mess together, plonk in a bowl and announce that it is, indeed, food.

Well done. Make sure you give that fourteen-year-old bird of your a double portion; she’s eating for two now!

Perfectly accompanied by a can of Fosters and three B&H Silver.

Thanks to Mark I-Mark for this recipe. Submit yours by emailing cookingbeans[at]stneotscitizen.com

“This is brilliant news,” said Stonely-Bolton, “as it shows that Cambridgeshire Constabulary are succeeding in creating a safer county.”

The actual reason for the drop in reported thefts is that snooty iPhone users are unable to lower themselves back to using a common Nokia, and without a “Crap, my phone’s been nicked” app they are unable to report the loss to the rozzers.

“It’s a joke, honestly,” said Jeremy Barrington-Smyth, 41, one of the area’s leading credit card fraudsters. “They just keep moving the fucking goalposts, how are we supposed to keep up?”

Barrington-Smyth, who has previously spoken out about the public perception of “working-class, chavvy thieves”, attended Kimbolton school and earns around £50,000 a year as a professional thief. He explained, “When I was first trained, card fraud involved nicking someone’s Access or Switch, making an imprint of it, and copying their signature. All you needed was a cover job in a restaurant or shop and you were set!”

The first setback came when APACS, who oversee electronic payments, introduced Chip and Pin cards in 2004. “Suddenly,” said Barrington-Smyth, “half our training became worthless. I was expert at copying signatures, and now it was a useless skill.”

Indeed, the market quickly became flooded with amateur muggers, watching people enter their PIN number, then holding them up for their card and emptying their bank account. “No style, you see,” says Smyth. “Just no subtlety at all.”

Now, mobile phone companies plan to introduce payment by phone, whereby a circuit within the phone transmits payment information to a card terminal nearby. No PIN is needed. “Really,” explained Jeremiah Clarkenstein, 36, another so-called Liquidity Liberation Specialist, who lives in Eynesbury Manor’s posh ‘H2O’ development, “the only way to gain funds from people with this technology is to work out which pocket their phone is in and then rub up against them. This is easy on the tube or a crowded bus, but in a small town like St Neots people get suspicious when you brush against their handbag.”

Clarkenstein predicts that within three years, the industry will have totally abandoned small towns like St Neots in favour of larger cities, where people are more readily prepared to relinquish their personal space. “That’ll decimate the local economy,” he said, “and what’s more, these accounts are all pre-paid; so, what if you go through all that aggro and the target – sorry, client – hasn’t topped up? Waste of time.”

Trials of the system continue.

The shock claims come after a sharp increase in the number of felines going missing in recent weeks, particularly from the Eynesbury area. “Well, at first we just thought it was typical Eynesbury chavvery,” said Cats Protection League spokesman Tom Katz. “Then we realised that cats are quite difficult to pinch without specialised equipment, on account of all the claws and fangs and things.”

Residents’ claimes that some sort of cat mafia has been despatching unwelcome interlopers and burying them under local patios was quickly dismissed as a plot too poor for even Brookside to consider repeating.

“Clearly,” said Katz, “the rise in missing moggies is something to do with the local rags. Look at their leading articles is all I’m going to say.”

Indeed, the frequency with which no other news is available – which has led to the Citizen’s own reporters struggling to find anything newsworthy – does appear to have forced the editor of the News, Crier and Something to resort to deperate measures. Editor Matt Scottish mouthed off at our undercover reporter over a pint, “Well all people seem to be interested in these days is town councillors having tit-for-tat scraps, and there’s been none of that recently. How else am I gonna get a paper out weekly? I’m not just gonna make stuff up am I.”

When asked explicitly if the paper had been purloining pussycats for the purposes of column inches, Scottish said “All I’m saying is if you’ve got a cat, you might not wanna live in Eynesbury when our print deadline is approaching…”

A similarly worrying rise in TWOC’d tabbies has been noted on the Oxmoor in Huntingdon. The Hunts Poster refused to comment.