Since the disappearance of local award winning Cock-Waver extraordinaire Cllr Larry Hackman the town has found itself without a Self-Promotion Champion.

All that changed this week as part-time army chef and bean-counting councillor Harry “R” Rogerson whipped his metaphorical manhood out and gave it a good wave, announcing “THE CINEMA IS A DAMN GOOD IDEA, IT’S NOT MINE, BUT IT MIGHT BE IF IT DOESN’T FAIL. I DON’T KNOW WHY IT’S A GOOD IDEA BUT I KNOW IT’S A GOOD IDEA BECAUSE MARCEL, HACKMAN AND THE OTHERS TOLD ME. THEY ALSO SAID I COULD BE THE SPOKESBLOKE. SEE, I TOLD YOU I WAS WELL IMPORTANT!”

The Citizen asked Cllr Rogerson for his observations on the socio-economic chance for the cinema’s survival based on the local demographic. “YOU FRICKIN’ WHAT?” observed the councillor. “ALL I FUCKIN KNOW IS THAT I CAN GET DOWN THERE WITH THE MISSUS ON SATURDAY NIGHT, HAVE GOOD BEVVY, WATCH A RIGHT GOOD TEAR UP WITH CHUCK NORRIS IN THE PICTURES AND HAVE A RUCK UP THE ROSE AFTER!”

The Citizen is keen to promote the work of good honest cock-wavers like Cllr Rogerson and will be following his exploits closely.

Cambridgeshire announced the scheme today via local rag the Cambridge Evening News, which is published in the morning. “The county council can no longer afford to reduce speed limits,” said a spokesman, ” and seeing as people seem to think that changing the limit will actually stop people breaking it… well, why not let them have a go then?”

Julia Wayward was incensed. “It’s a bit daft to say the least,” she commented. “You know how awkward people in St Neots are. We’ve already had people in Monarch Road making applications for speed limits between 5mph and seventy, on different sections of the road.”

High Street traders were similarly unimpressed. “I seriously doubt we all want the same speed limit,” said Andrez Superturk of the Hotspot Chicken and Pizza takeaway. “I would like to see a blanket 60mph zone in the town centre so that our delivery drivers can get where they need to go fast. Other shops rely on passing trade, so would like motorists to crawl past at three miles an hour. Clearly these wishes aren’t compatible.”

The idea was not without it’s proponents, however. Cllr Jonathan Chatsworth, who represents Histon and Impington near Cambridge, commented that “This is a marvellous idea. The council receives £20m a year for highways and the suchlike, and by outsourcing all the costs to whiny residents who actually want the speeds changing, will be able to continue to provide all councillors with these nice gel rollerball pens, instead of switching to cheap orange Bics. Hurrah.”

The posturing began as Barclays texted Lloyds TSB saying, “Our blue debit cards are much nicer than your green ones.” The Black Horse responded by posting a message on Facebook saying that Barclays’ mum was an “Eagle slag”. Santander commented that both banks were cabrons of the highest order, and Halifax clicked “Like”.

“Those fuckers better watch out,” said NatWest. “My logo is easily fashionable into a ninja throwing star. I’ll cause havoc.”

It’s thought that seeing as banks aren’t actual entities which can say such things, it is infact managers and personal bankers making threats. “Personal wankers more like!” tweeted Nationwide in response.

Staff from the financial institutions, which have undergone a number of mergers and acquisitions in recent years, will face off on the Market Square this Saturday night. “It’ll be a traditional St Neots chavscrap,” said Dave Cork of the Financial Services Authority, “where pretty much anything goes and they all get to call eachother’s sister a tart.”

The winner will be renamed simply “The Bank”, and it is thought that Lloyds’ prime Market Square location will play host to the new institution. The other branches will become new Empty Shops, a vital part of St Neots’ economy.

The St Neots Citizen has learned that retail guru Marie Harbouras was caught in the tailbacks and had the good fortune to cut through St Neots town centre. Whilst being chauffeured Marie Harbouras “Googled” St Neots and crossed our publication to reveal links to the London cable car, our award winning car parks, and cinema which, as yet, doesn’t exist.

The possible new shopping centre will be part of the lesser known Eastfields chain. Huntingdon Town Council have caught wind of this scheme and approached Westfields chain to try and incorporate  their new multi-story carpark.

Local Councillor Steve van der Whitevanman was outraged and over the moon. He commented, “The congestion in town caused by this development will destroy the town’s economy. All these new shops will be great for the local economy.”

The Tories as a whole responded on a local internet forum as “Another Lib Dem gross mismanagment of this town’s future,” and “Larry will be most displeased, he has not been part of  the badly-spelled ‘STNeots needz a shoppin centre’ Facebook campaign.”

It is thought the 250-unit development, with parking for six thousand cars and attendant restaurants and other facilities, will fit nicely on the site currently occupied by the car park behind the Handyman.

A comprehensive press release from SNTC reads: “There has been some interest in the town for a shopping centre.”

Both Marie Harbouras and the SNTC office were not available for comment.

The payment of up to £30 a week was introduced by Labour to encourage teens from poorer backgrounds to stay on in education, despite the fact everyone had always managed without it before.

Local licensees were horrified. “Our core customer base is aged sixteen with a fake driving license,” said Amrit Singh of S&S Superstores, in Cornwallis Drive. “Without EMA, they’ll not have any money to spend on superlager and White Lightning. My profits are going to drop sharply – I may have to close.”

Out-of-town pubs were expected to fare even worse. “All the pubs in town have bouncers who actually check proof of age,” said Mick Waite, 62, retired former landlord of The Wheatsheaf in Eaton Socon. “That means all the young ‘uns drink in Eaton Socon or Eynesbury – well, ever since the Wrestlers stopped serving thirteen year olds fishbowls of ‘Squashed Frog’!”

It is estimated that payments to St Neots teens total around £60,000 a week, 80% of which is spent on alcohol and cigarettes, with the rest going on expensive trainers. “It ain’t on really,” said Longsands sixth-former Lucy Diamond, 17. “Without EMA I’ll have to resort to what teenagers did in the nineties: pinch their mum’s vodka and water down the rest of the bottle. That just seems a bit underhanded to me. And with the price of cigarettes going up on almost a weekly basis – well, I’ll be switching to rolling my own any day now, which is totally unacceptable.”

Self-thinking Eynesbury councillor Terrence Dougall backed the calls. “It’s not just offies that’ll suffer,” he ranted. “If these future alcoholics don’t have any cash, I predict total anarchy as secondary school pupils stab grans for cider. Also, sales of Alka Seltzer and ibuprofen will drop sharply as hangovers decrease, so our chemists will feel the pinch too. The Government needs to look at the bigger picture here. WKD-swilling kids are vital to the recovery of the economy.”

Education Secretary Michael Gove was unavailable for comment.

Two large potholes have recently appeared on New Street – one outside the Conservative Club and another at the Tebbutts Road junction. Yesterday, residents awoke to find pleasant new blue plastic fences around each one.

“The fences for all campaign, which began with the new Cambridge Street fence, couldn’t ignore these two lonely depressions in the road,” said van der Whitevanman. “Obviously there’s a safety aspect, but for me the most important thing is that everyone has a lovely fence of their own.”

The blue plastic roadworks-style barriers were said to have been chosen to compliment the blue of the railings on the Market Square, and the plastic atmosphere of nearby new pub the Weeping Gash.

HDC CEO Davis Munts was seen fleeing Barrtts department store using obscene language after trying to use the cafe toilet without buying anything.

Frightened staff were shaking after a tiraid of abuse from Mr Munts after being told that he would need to buy from the cafe to use the toilet facilities.

Betty Taylor-Harrogate, Barretts’ cafe cashier, was shocked to see such behaivour from Mr Munts, “I was scared and shocked, he was like a wild animal. All he kept screamimng was that he was touching cloth and need to use the toilets urgently.”

“‘Turtle’s head or not’, I said, ‘unless to buy a tea or scone your not using the facilities’.”

At this point an enraged Mr Munts fled the store and was seen heading in direction of Westgate’s. But quick thinking Barretts staff phoned ahead to give advance warning.

Having been seen off by staff at the Co-op department store, Mr Munts was seen heading to the soon-to-be-charged-for Lidl car park with a whiff in the air.

Mr Munts denied St Neots Citizen comment.

Local historians were today hailing the recent radar mapping of the old Priory site a success having discovered several important artefacts.

Artefacts dating back over 500 years were removed from the site to be catalogued at the nearby Council offices. Famous local historian Henry Tibbett commented, “We have found the remains of sticky carpet, a broken urinal, some dried vomit and some music by the medieval duo Dark Lace, well known for their crap tunes in the 1400′s.”

Uncultured

He went on, “It would appear that the nightlife in St Neots was just as shit 500 years ago as it is today.”

Management of St Neots premier nightspot The Priory, in the Market Square, were said to be pleased they were keeping up with the local tradition of providing a terrible evening’s entertainment.

Stella Fosters, manageress of the venue which is soon to alienate 90% of its customer base by instituting an over-21′s, no-trainers policy, commented “Sticky carpets, puke, crap music and broken bogs are all part of the experience we try to give our valued clients.”

“We can also boast excessive waiting times to get a drink, bad language and fat women in leggings,” she continued. “Of course, 500 years ago you could smoke your clay pipe indoors but I am pleased to say you can now have a smoke in the freezing cold and wet looking like a twat on the Market Square.”

Uncovered

Council Leader Julia Wayward was said to be very excited at the news as there was now firm evidence of ‘crap pubs’ going back centuries. “Continuity is vital, as are maintaining standards, people need to know what they can expect,” she said in a statement earlier today. “It certainly dispels the myths of great nights out to be had in days gone by.”

Unsafe

Small fragments of coloured glass found at the site have now been confirmed as part of a stained glass window, the Citizen was told exclusively today. It had been thought they had formed part of the 1431 Christmas lights display that fell down injuring a dwarf juggling jester taking part in the festivities.

Self-thinking councillor Dougall, 62, got involved after a post on st-neots.co.uk which whinged about the difficulty climbing three steps to get into the bank, both for parents with buggies and wheelchair users.

One mother, who very much enjoys the word ‘steps’, said “To get into the building you need to go up the steps. Should you need any assistance, there is a doorbell to ring at the top of the steps and they’ll assist you in getting up the steps. The doorbell is up high once you get up those steps. So you have to get up the steps to ring the bell to help you get up the steps. I’m lucky enough to be able to walk up those steps, but what about those that can’t get up the steps?”

Councillor Dougall, completely ignoring the fact that the building is listed, has had steps for hundreds of years and cannot be adjusted, said “What a bloody disgrace. Abbey need to sort this out. They need to put in a ramp or something so people can get into the bank. Why should people change banks just because Abbey has suddenly got steps?”

When the Citizen pointed out to the councillor that there is not room for any sort of ramp outside the building, even if it would be allowed, he suggested “that the level of the High Street be increased five foot so people can get in the bank.”

The fact that almost all other premises in town would then have steps down to enter them is, says Dougall, “neither here nor there. I don’t see your picture in the Hunts Poster!”

A number of businesses and services have closed recently leaving an even higher number of empty shops and offices than usual. Many would consider these eyesores, but Whitevanman believes that, as part of the town’s heritage, they should be listed and therefore saved.

The piles of bricks facing an uncertain future include the South Street toilets, MC Garrett’s florists on Cambridge Street, and the former Choices video store, which has been empty for over two years. “We’ve already lost some prime examples of the town’s rich architectural heritage,” said Whitevanman, “with the loss of the Priory Mall and Jade Bridge a few years ago, and more recently the outdoor swimming pool – although this is now a brilliant fenced-off piece of grass.”

Many locals jumped to support the scheme. “It’s terrible how many lovely buildings we have lost over the years,” said Milton Avenue resident Stacey Horsfayci, 41. “All the empty units we used to have around the Market Square, the old Paines Brewery, all these have been turned into shops. And they aren’t even empty shops! Disgusting.”

Councillors have a long history of hiking business rates to ensure there are always a lot of derelict units, but never before has anyone attempted to list them with English Heritage to ensure they stay that way. “If we succeed,” continued Whitevanman, “we can ensure that St Neots looks the same for ever and ever, and that’ll be lovely won’t it.”