HDC CEO Davis Munts was seen fleeing Barrtts department store using obscene language after trying to use the cafe toilet without buying anything.

Frightened staff were shaking after a tiraid of abuse from Mr Munts after being told that he would need to buy from the cafe to use the toilet facilities.

Betty Taylor-Harrogate, Barretts’ cafe cashier, was shocked to see such behaivour from Mr Munts, “I was scared and shocked, he was like a wild animal. All he kept screamimng was that he was touching cloth and need to use the toilets urgently.”

“‘Turtle’s head or not’, I said, ‘unless to buy a tea or scone your not using the facilities’.”

At this point an enraged Mr Munts fled the store and was seen heading in direction of Westgate’s. But quick thinking Barretts staff phoned ahead to give advance warning.

Having been seen off by staff at the Co-op department store, Mr Munts was seen heading to the soon-to-be-charged-for Lidl car park with a whiff in the air.

Mr Munts denied St Neots Citizen comment.

Local historians were today hailing the recent radar mapping of the old Priory site a success having discovered several important artefacts.

Artefacts dating back over 500 years were removed from the site to be catalogued at the nearby Council offices. Famous local historian Henry Tibbett commented, “We have found the remains of sticky carpet, a broken urinal, some dried vomit and some music by the medieval duo Dark Lace, well known for their crap tunes in the 1400′s.”

Uncultured

He went on, “It would appear that the nightlife in St Neots was just as shit 500 years ago as it is today.”

Management of St Neots premier nightspot The Priory, in the Market Square, were said to be pleased they were keeping up with the local tradition of providing a terrible evening’s entertainment.

Stella Fosters, manageress of the venue which is soon to alienate 90% of its customer base by instituting an over-21′s, no-trainers policy, commented “Sticky carpets, puke, crap music and broken bogs are all part of the experience we try to give our valued clients.”

“We can also boast excessive waiting times to get a drink, bad language and fat women in leggings,” she continued. “Of course, 500 years ago you could smoke your clay pipe indoors but I am pleased to say you can now have a smoke in the freezing cold and wet looking like a twat on the Market Square.”

Uncovered

Council Leader Julia Wayward was said to be very excited at the news as there was now firm evidence of ‘crap pubs’ going back centuries. “Continuity is vital, as are maintaining standards, people need to know what they can expect,” she said in a statement earlier today. “It certainly dispels the myths of great nights out to be had in days gone by.”

Unsafe

Small fragments of coloured glass found at the site have now been confirmed as part of a stained glass window, the Citizen was told exclusively today. It had been thought they had formed part of the 1431 Christmas lights display that fell down injuring a dwarf juggling jester taking part in the festivities.

Self-thinking councillor Dougall, 62, got involved after a post on st-neots.co.uk which whinged about the difficulty climbing three steps to get into the bank, both for parents with buggies and wheelchair users.

One mother, who very much enjoys the word ‘steps’, said “To get into the building you need to go up the steps. Should you need any assistance, there is a doorbell to ring at the top of the steps and they’ll assist you in getting up the steps. The doorbell is up high once you get up those steps. So you have to get up the steps to ring the bell to help you get up the steps. I’m lucky enough to be able to walk up those steps, but what about those that can’t get up the steps?”

Councillor Dougall, completely ignoring the fact that the building is listed, has had steps for hundreds of years and cannot be adjusted, said “What a bloody disgrace. Abbey need to sort this out. They need to put in a ramp or something so people can get into the bank. Why should people change banks just because Abbey has suddenly got steps?”

When the Citizen pointed out to the councillor that there is not room for any sort of ramp outside the building, even if it would be allowed, he suggested “that the level of the High Street be increased five foot so people can get in the bank.”

The fact that almost all other premises in town would then have steps down to enter them is, says Dougall, “neither here nor there. I don’t see your picture in the Hunts Poster!”

A number of businesses and services have closed recently leaving an even higher number of empty shops and offices than usual. Many would consider these eyesores, but Whitevanman believes that, as part of the town’s heritage, they should be listed and therefore saved.

The piles of bricks facing an uncertain future include the South Street toilets, MC Garrett’s florists on Cambridge Street, and the former Choices video store, which has been empty for over two years. “We’ve already lost some prime examples of the town’s rich architectural heritage,” said Whitevanman, “with the loss of the Priory Mall and Jade Bridge a few years ago, and more recently the outdoor swimming pool – although this is now a brilliant fenced-off piece of grass.”

Many locals jumped to support the scheme. “It’s terrible how many lovely buildings we have lost over the years,” said Milton Avenue resident Stacey Horsfayci, 41. “All the empty units we used to have around the Market Square, the old Paines Brewery, all these have been turned into shops. And they aren’t even empty shops! Disgusting.”

Councillors have a long history of hiking business rates to ensure there are always a lot of derelict units, but never before has anyone attempted to list them with English Heritage to ensure they stay that way. “If we succeed,” continued Whitevanman, “we can ensure that St Neots looks the same for ever and ever, and that’ll be lovely won’t it.”

In a surprise move local traders have decided the lights are simply too crap to display. The recent HSE report has been leaked in full to the Citizen with no bits blacked out. It appears that the report said the lights were so crap that it would be dangerous to the future reputation of the town.

Leader of the Council Julia Waywood commented “These lights were so shite and we were so proud of them, any trailer park would be, and it really added to the character of the town.”

Ms Wayward was also concerned that a more tasteful display may have to found, moving away from the usual tacky crap.

Local trader Barry Chuckle said he had spoken to other traders in the town and they all felt that the reputation of the town was too precious to risk a serious injury.

At a Council meeting councillors debated what to do with the lights. One suggestion was to decorate Cllr Terrence Dougall’s house to demonstrate that the lights really are on even if no one is at home. Mr Dougall thinking for himself commented “I would like to demonstrate that a light does come on when you think for yourself.”

It was decided to use the lights to decorate the Priory, “since it is such a crap building the lights should really complement it,” commented Steve van de Whitevanman.

Chas and Dave were also rumoured once again to be switching on the lights this year. Speaking from his luxury villa near Margate Chas Hodges commented “we really felt robbed after the last debacle; we don’t often get a chance to pull the switch on such a great display. Haha.”

Dave was unavailable for comment.

The grotty old bogs, whose odour can be detected as far away as Little Paxton, have long been a blight on the landscape of South Street, especially since all the shops and warehouses on the road were turned into houses.

Resident Michael George, 51, who moved into a townhouse directly opposite the pongy pissoir in 2004, said “I keep thinking I haven’t flushed, but in fact it’s just the stench from across the road. It’s particularly bad on market day when so many weak-bladdered old dears visit from the Fens, they have to form a queue outside.”

However, not everyone welcomed the news. “This is a prime location for dropping off ching, horse, mandy and all manner of other drugs,” said Eynesbury dealer Ian Ovitch, 22. “The police aren’t allowed in without breathing apparatus so it’s relatively safe. And I always get my customers to rinse their hands and walk out shaking them dry, so it looks like they actually have just been for a slash.”

Councillors however denied they were taking the piss. “We can’t actually tell you why we want to shut the worst toilets in the district,” said a mysterious unnamed spokeswoman, “but as soon as we think of a reason we’ll be sure to let someone know.”

When we suggested the council use the sale of narcotics as an excuse, the spokeswoman flushed with embarassment and walked away.

“Well that’d be ideal wouldn’t it,” said self-thinking Eynesbury councillor Terrence Dougall. “I thought the old fire station was brilliantly inconvenient as a location, but ATS… well, it’s at the end of a one-way street, right near a residential development which floods lots. Perfect.”

Local residents were not so impressed. “What a pisstake,” said Navigation Wharf resident Jonathan Pepper, 42. “When I moved here I thought it would be posh, cos the road’s name ends in Wharf. I don’t want a ruddy great cinema over the road, it’s bad enough that there’s that riff-raff pub.”

Ignoring the fact the Woolpack has been on the site a lot longer than his yuppy townhouse, Pepper continued. “Clearly the place to put something like a cinema is in the town, where it can attract the maximum chavvy scum without the danger of someone parking in front of my house. I mean really, what is the world coming to.”

The council has been harping on about a cinema ever since millionaire Lord of the Manor Peter Rowley offered them a million pounds to do what they want with, despite the fact that cinemas are built by companies, not councils. Plans currently afoot see the cinema, two fast-food outlets and a restaurant built on the tiny site of the old fire station in Huntingdon Street. “Fucking brilliant,” commented one local wag. “What they gonna have, a plasma screen and a burger van? Nah, even that wouldn’t fit.”

Rowley could not be reached for comment.

“Redundancy could not have worked out better for me, my new job means I get to drive away every day. Now I spend less than 8 hours in the crummy shithole once my travelling is taken into account.”

Mr. Hatttttttt had been commenting on the decision by council officials to repair his whole road and not just the bits without cars on. “If I still had to get the train my car would have been tarmacked over and I wouldn’t have got me benefits.”

We asked Mr. Hatttttttttttttttt why he still lived in the town if he felt so good when he left it. “Fucked if I know, it just seemed easier to have a fucking good moan than admit the council were doing a reasonable job for once.”

We asked others for their feelings on staying in the town. “High street? What High street?” said Tilly Brook from Cromwell Road. “I only know how to get to station. I just sleep here.” she added.

Love’s Farm resident Gordon Manchester was equally confused “I honestly hadn’t a clue that this was anything other than a great big dormitory” he said.

Sir John Betjaman was unavailable for comment.

St Neots “rude boy” Marly T. Murphy failed to engage brain before mouth, and leaked the following badly-spelled statement onto the otherwise pristine St Neots forum: “weve got a kfc why havnt we got a mc donalds in the town yet,this place needs to get with it and get some decent shops like next and that.does anyone agree”

Forum regulars – otherwise known mostly as normal people – were taken aback by the outburst. The Citizen’s associate Oi!! Magazine editor, Mr Thundopalous P. Staker, esq., said, “It made my fucking eyes bleed reading that.

“We’re all used to the occasional new chav learning how to navigate away from Bebo and vomiting the contents of their feeble brain all over our local sites, but this really took the piss.”

Other regulars pointed out to Mr Murphy that perhaps McDonalds could not exactly be classed as a “decent shop”, to which he replied “ruavegie mate mcdsissoooogood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” The Citizen’s translators were completely lost at this point, but think that “ruavegie” roughly tanslates as “please help me, I am far too daft to be allowed to walk the streets and therefore must consume my own body-weight in mechanically-recovered meat until I can no longer leave the house.”

However at this point Mr Murphy went quiet. It is thought the 1-key came off his keyboard and the thought of a post without exclaimation marks drove him to take his own worthless Burberry-clad life.

Local councils, backed by the Government, have long been fans of half-arsed schemes to reduce the number of cars on the road, such as pinch-point traffic calming, and not providing enough parking on new estates – all while not actually increasing the availability of public transport.

Secretary of State for Transport Lord Adonis issued a statement in Parliament saying, “All towns, cities and villages will have their access from local trunk roads and motorways restricted depending on the number of residents in said area.

“If people cannot get into the town as easily, there will be less cars on our urban roads. Fact.”

Lord Adonis hit back at claims that the strategy was ill-thought-out and would cause more, not less, traffic and congestion on town centre streets on account of everyone trying to leave by one exit, by saying “bollocks”.

St Neots often experiences the loss of one access to its only trunk route, the A1, when Mill Lane bridges flood approximately every seven minutes. While the road is closed, anyone entering the town from the north is forced to use the Crosshall Road junction and travel through the town centre, causing tail-backs up to three miles long through Eaton Socon.

Councillors were behind the plans. “I myself think that this is a stupendous plan, innit,” said self-martyring Lib Dem Terrence Dougall. “Less A1 access means less Huntingdon chav visitors as far as I am concerned, and also if it’s harder to get TO Huntingdon then we will probably get a cinema – I think myself that this stands to reason.”

The understandably pro-car AA said that the scheme was doomed to failure. “I don’t see how you would choose the exit,” said spokesman Eric Geddes. “OK, some towns like Huntingdon can lose a junction – that rubbish little one near Brampton that no-one uses because it causes you to die, for example.

“But most places, St Neots included, need all their exits and maybe more.”

Councillor Steven van der Whitevanman of Eynesbury, said “I know the AA have their reservations, but don’t forget they tried to delete St Neots off the map a few years ago. I hardly think they are a credible source for anything to do with cars at all ever.” Whitevanman, 46, hinted that the council were thinking of going one step further and closing both the Wyboston Lakes and Little Paxton sliproads.

“Anyone travelling from Bedford to Cambridge would have to drive through town, instead of round the bypass,” he said. “Once we pedestrianise the town centre, this will mean the average journey time through the town will be three to four days. This is a boon to local businesses as people will need to stop and eat every 100 yards or nine hours, whichever comes soonest.”

Former council leader Derek Miles said, “Steve is right. Once we have a big queue of traffic, we’ll shut the now-pointless bypass and build a fucking great big cinema on it. Perfect.”