Long and complicated second names like Gdnagley and van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver have lead to a plague of difficult to spell names displayed all over St Neots.

Pre-empting this confusion, local parliamentary candidate Marvin Land had changed his name to “something easy to spell”. His original family name of Rumplestiltskin was seen to be too confusing in an environment where long and difficult to spell names were in vogue.

Land commented, “We were concerned that too many long, hard to spell names might confuse the electorate and lead to election fatigue which would be no good for any of us. So after van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver declined the offer to shorten his name I felt I had to.”

The plans, however, have lead to confusion amongst road users, residents and ramblers alike. The Town Hall has been “inundated” with calls asking where Marvin Land is and where the borders start and finish. A member of staff who did not wish to be named said, “I have to admit there were a few laughs in the office when pensioners and lorry drivers were calling to say they had entered Marvin Land. Lols.”

Local resident Ethel Farqhuit, 79, said, “We were coming back from Roxton when we saw all these Marvin Land signs, my husband Ron was worried as we didn’t have our passports, we thought we were in Cambridgeshire, no one told us about this new country. We blame the district council”

Local haulier Dave Skandia was also confused. “Nothing showed up on the sat nav, there were no border controls, my mate Bob said it might be a bit like Arnhem Land in Australia but wetter and colder.”

Huntingdon District Council were asked to comment and made the following statement:

“There is no such place as Marvin Land and to our knowledge there has been no declaration of independence locally. We assume he must be a person, even though nobody has ever physically seen him, and people should not be concerned that they may be in a different country.”

Local councillor Steve van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver, who shortened hsi name to van der Whitevanman, told the Citizen “There’s no such place but wouldn’t it be good if we could declare independence from those tossers at district?”

Local candidate Jonathon Gdangley said he knew Marvin Land and said “he is certainly no country but soon could be if he got any bigger.”

The roles of council leader and deputy leader will no longer exist, said Wayward today, as they are completely fucking pointless. “Honestly,” Wayward continued, “can you imagine actually LEADING such a rag-tag bunch of whinging little boys? No. No-one can do it. Let them fight it out amongst themselves, I say.”

As part of the process of delegating down the powers of the council leader to two new committees, Wayward herself will also be delegated. Conservative councillor Paul Marcel said, “We’re going to control one side of Julia, and the Lib Dems the other. This is ideal for SNTC as the left hand never knows what the right hand is doing anyway.”

Colleague Andrew Lanyard added that this was “a perfect example of a metaphore made flesh”, which made a lot more sense than his party’s manifesto.

Which means it must be election time. Recent posts on forums have been councillor-only affairs brushing electorate comments aside.

Larry Tapman (Con) comments, “Electorate? What about them? They will just vote on who has been loudest, I am ensuring I am doing just that.”

But Steve van der Whitevanman (LibDem) counters, “Every party for themselves as we approach this critical time. We’ve got more signatures on these toilet petitions so we’re sure to win.”

The Labour PPC whose name no one knows didn’t comment, as no-one in St Neots ever votes Labour anyway.

Alan Sleek, St Neots forum owner said, “I wish they would stop. I’m running out of space on my servers to cope with all this petty electioneering and squabbling.” Councillors have been known to post up to a thousand messages a day each, mostly calling their opposition useless wankers, telling us how good they are, and other general cock-waving excercises.

Council leader Julia Wayward said, “I’d like to remind you all that I have never, will never and indeed can never join in this cock-waving. It was pointless me commenting really, but it sounds funny.”

“I find it hard to believe this was isolated,” said van der Whitevanman as the Citizen paraphrased his post from the St Neots forums. “Less than a few weeks ago there was a kidnapping, an ear bitten off and threats to stab, all of which happened in seperate places in the town centre. Now, despite the fact that the people responsible for these were caught and are currently behind bars, they must have something to do with this shooting – and I bet Unique are behind it.”

An anonymous member of Unique bar staff said “What a load of old shit. It ain’t like the bouncers are shooting back, is it?”

Whitevanman remains convinced that these and other incidents are linked, and believes the current wave of violence goes back further than anyone realises. “I would put money on that John Bellingham being involved,” spat the Eynesbury LibDem. Bellingham, a St Neots resident, assassinated Prime Minister Spencer Perceval on 11th May 1812.

Despite popular belief that almost no lights have been put up following a massive balls-up two years ago when a woman was thumped on the head with a falling cross-street display, the council revealed that in fact approximately fifty gantries have been put up over the High Street, but they are not visible to the naked eye.

“It’s the perfect solution,” said council leader Julia Wayward. “We found out about some obscure EU funding for reducing the town’s overall electricity consumption. We based the savings on the festive illuminations from 2001 to 2005, and worked out how much we’re saving now.

“The grant doesn’t apply to towns who merely put up less lights, so we installed a shitload of invisible lights across the High Street, Market Square and New Street, slashing the power bill by 80% year-on-year.”

Local residents were relived that their lights were not the crappest in the county for the third year running, following the 2007 incident. “Well,” commented Penwryn Court resident Jake Cornswalez, “We may not be able to see the lights, but now we know they are there, we can thumb our noses at those superior fuckers in Huntingdon once more.”

A spokesman for the EU said, “Obviously it was difficult to judge just how eco-friendly the invisible lights are, but when the council showed us that they used exactly zero electricity, we were more than happy to pay the full £14m grant.” It is thought that after deductions the council will receive approximately £18.32.

For several years this vast ugly warehouse has been empty blighting the landscape for miles around. It has been suggested as a new cinema, a youth club, a storage facility for councillors egos or even a distribution centre.
The Citizen can now exclusively reveal that it will become a chicken farm and processing plant to supply the nearby successful KFC using a new breed of chicken to keep up with soaring demand.

KFC Chief Executive Officer Mr Colin Sanders contacted the Citizen with the news. “It seems people in St Neots just love shit food and we can’t keep up. To save carbon emissions and provide local jobs, we will be breeding and processing our new breed of chicken the Kentucky Fried Chicken Chicken (Latinus Humourous) on site.”

He went on, “A full grown bird has been known to sport 180 legs, none of which it uses for walking. The chicken habitually makes its home 50 yards away from the nearest KFC or MacDonalds. It eats carrots and whitewash, which it regurgitates into small red and white plastic containers. It also shits bar-b-que beans. It likes to keep warm by rolling in breadcrumbs and makes its nest in boiling fat.”

“Research suggests that the dead bird gives off toxic fumes which can cause acne and a propensity to hang out in old cars playing loud dance music and litter the surrounding area.”

Local councillor and Leader of the Town Council Julia Wayward commented, “This is very exciting indeed and a good example of how this fine restaurant has lead to local jobs for local people. The council has employed 20 extra staff just to pick all the bloody litter up and people will finally stop thinking it’s going to be a cinema.”

Residents opinions were said to be mixed. Local eco warrior Dave Angel was furious: “If it isn’t bad enough listening to Dizzy Rascal, picking up litter and smelling of old chip fat, now I hear the place will smell of chicken shit, bloody marvellous.”

Not content with rumours that the town is made up of inter-marrying cousins, and that the clap is airbourne in Eynesbury, Eastside chavs have now added “danger zone for dogs” to the list.

Local teen May Marston, of Barringer Way, had taken her too-young-to-be-outside puppy for a walk in Priory Park, when she put it down for a minute, as you do, and some “local yobs” either stamped, kicked or trampled it to death.

“This is a fucking outrage!” said almost everyone on the local St Neots forums, where ninety percent of the content of other local papers originates. “St Neots should be on the map for the new fence in Cambridge street or something, not shocking incidents of caninicide.”

Local councillor Steve van der Whitevanman was quick to blame “the system”, rather than the fact that these hoodies need a good punching. “But then again,” said one of his colleagues, “if this hadn’t happened we wouldn’t be in the Daily Mail or the Sun… I’m not saying it’s a good thing, but…”

A lynch mob was last night roaming the streets of St Neots, using small cats stolen from the Parklands area of Eynesbury as bait. “If I see so much as a Doc Marten coming in the direction of one of these kittens,” said torch-wielding mobster Aaron Ovitch, 41, “it’ll me the last move the little Duck Lane twat ever makes.”

Similar town Wantage, which previously attempted to sue St Neots for being too much like it, offered help and guidance to the local population. Mill Street man Eric Lichardson, 26, said “Perhaps your town should employ ethics instructors to teach Neotians that it’s not ok to kick little fluffy baby puppies with big cute eyes and floppy ears to a bloody savage death. Do you need help from
Wantage?”

Another resident commented, “I think we’ll have to nuke St Neots from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”

St Neots town council leader Julia Wayward was said to be seriously considering the offer.

Self-thinking councillor Dougall, 62, got involved after a post on st-neots.co.uk which whinged about the difficulty climbing three steps to get into the bank, both for parents with buggies and wheelchair users.

One mother, who very much enjoys the word ‘steps’, said “To get into the building you need to go up the steps. Should you need any assistance, there is a doorbell to ring at the top of the steps and they’ll assist you in getting up the steps. The doorbell is up high once you get up those steps. So you have to get up the steps to ring the bell to help you get up the steps. I’m lucky enough to be able to walk up those steps, but what about those that can’t get up the steps?”

Councillor Dougall, completely ignoring the fact that the building is listed, has had steps for hundreds of years and cannot be adjusted, said “What a bloody disgrace. Abbey need to sort this out. They need to put in a ramp or something so people can get into the bank. Why should people change banks just because Abbey has suddenly got steps?”

When the Citizen pointed out to the councillor that there is not room for any sort of ramp outside the building, even if it would be allowed, he suggested “that the level of the High Street be increased five foot so people can get in the bank.”

The fact that almost all other premises in town would then have steps down to enter them is, says Dougall, “neither here nor there. I don’t see your picture in the Hunts Poster!”

“What a fucking excellent scheme,” said District Councillor for Eynesbury ward, Paul Marcel. “We set ourselves a load of secret targets we knew we probably wouldn’t hit, like processing all waste in the same day, and not having a big queue of cars on the road outside the new Marston Road tip.

“By not telling anyone the place was open, and hiding the signs for it behind trees, we’ve managed to hit and pass our targets on day one of operation! Fantastic!”

Town Councillor Terrence Dougall, dangerously risking thinking for himself once again, said “This is a bloody marvellous idea; what legend thought that up?” When it was pointed out to cllr Dougall that it was in fact the mad scheme of a Conservative, rather than Liberal Democrat, member, he spat “What a pissing ridiculous plan. How am I supposed to recycle all this crap in my garden if I don’t know where the tip is? I mean I can’t even find Marsden Road on the map.

“Furthermore,” he continued, “I’d like to know what our local MP Jonathan Gerdangly has been up to on his holidays; why wasn’t he around to open the dump?”

Residents were equally underimpressed as Dougall, sixty-odd, who is fast taking Derek Miles’ crown as the crankiest Lib Dem representative. Naseby Gardens homeowner Scott Adams, 50, said, “I’d be pleased with the new ‘recycling centre’ if I ever had anything to recycle, but since the missus left me I only need one of those half-sized blue bins.”

Duck Lane resident Miranda Rankin, 44, voiced her concern that “it’ll just become another place for these twats in Nova’s to hang about at night, won’t it. There’s something that attracts them to a shithole – which must be why there are so many in St Neots to begin with.”

The Local Government Agency was quoted yesterday as saying “For many years, councillors have over used superlatives at meetings in order to stand a better chance of being quoted in the local press. We feel this cynical use of the English Language should be regulated and must stop.”

Lex Econ, from the Local Government Agency, went on: “We feel that certain words are being over used and should be regulated and rationed. Such words as excited, very excited and excellent are the main offenders.”

Local Councillor Bob Farms commented “This really is an excellent idea and I think the prospect of rationed superlatives is extremely exciting.”

However, other councillors were less impressed, and felt it would be a curb on their freedom to exaggerate their feelings. Speaking and thinking for himself, cllr Terrence Dougall said “I don’t like this new rule. It totally, utterly and completely prevents us from saying anything.”

Local press hacks admitted to having a ratings systems to decide who gets quoted. Reporter Sue Wurzel of the Hunts Poster revealed that they “actually have a marking system, for example an excellent gets 3, an excited gets 1, a very excited gets 2 marks. We add all the marks up and the councillor with the highest score is quoted in the paper, seems fair to me. Now we have no idea who the fuck to quote, unless someone comes out with some particularly bizarre ramblings.”

News Crier and Something editor Matt Scottish said, “There’s a lot less strangeness about now ASS-sufferer Derek Miles is no longer Council leader, so we tend to follow the ratings system instituted by the Hunts Poster years ago.”

Councillors were said to be holding a special Town Council meeting to decide on how many superlatives each councillor can use and in what context. Those breaking the new rules will be expected to report to the Town Clerk to explain their actions.

Speaking to the Citizen today, Eynesbury councillor Steve van de Whitevanman and council leader Julia Wayward commented “We are both extremely excited at this most totally excellent plan and think its fucking bloody marvellous. How many points was that Jules?”

The Local Government Agency later informed the Citizen that curses and swearing were also currently under review.