Local councils, backed by the Government, have long been fans of half-arsed schemes to reduce the number of cars on the road, such as pinch-point traffic calming, and not providing enough parking on new estates – all while not actually increasing the availability of public transport.

Secretary of State for Transport Lord Adonis issued a statement in Parliament saying, “All towns, cities and villages will have their access from local trunk roads and motorways restricted depending on the number of residents in said area.

“If people cannot get into the town as easily, there will be less cars on our urban roads. Fact.”

Lord Adonis hit back at claims that the strategy was ill-thought-out and would cause more, not less, traffic and congestion on town centre streets on account of everyone trying to leave by one exit, by saying “bollocks”.

St Neots often experiences the loss of one access to its only trunk route, the A1, when Mill Lane bridges flood approximately every seven minutes. While the road is closed, anyone entering the town from the north is forced to use the Crosshall Road junction and travel through the town centre, causing tail-backs up to three miles long through Eaton Socon.

Councillors were behind the plans. “I myself think that this is a stupendous plan, innit,” said self-martyring Lib Dem Terrence Dougall. “Less A1 access means less Huntingdon chav visitors as far as I am concerned, and also if it’s harder to get TO Huntingdon then we will probably get a cinema – I think myself that this stands to reason.”

The understandably pro-car AA said that the scheme was doomed to failure. “I don’t see how you would choose the exit,” said spokesman Eric Geddes. “OK, some towns like Huntingdon can lose a junction – that rubbish little one near Brampton that no-one uses because it causes you to die, for example.

“But most places, St Neots included, need all their exits and maybe more.”

Councillor Steven van der Whitevanman of Eynesbury, said “I know the AA have their reservations, but don’t forget they tried to delete St Neots off the map a few years ago. I hardly think they are a credible source for anything to do with cars at all ever.” Whitevanman, 46, hinted that the council were thinking of going one step further and closing both the Wyboston Lakes and Little Paxton sliproads.

“Anyone travelling from Bedford to Cambridge would have to drive through town, instead of round the bypass,” he said. “Once we pedestrianise the town centre, this will mean the average journey time through the town will be three to four days. This is a boon to local businesses as people will need to stop and eat every 100 yards or nine hours, whichever comes soonest.”

Former council leader Derek Miles said, “Steve is right. Once we have a big queue of traffic, we’ll shut the now-pointless bypass and build a fucking great big cinema on it. Perfect.”