When visiting the Lille suburb, councillors noted that the accident rate on the French roundabouts is considerably lower than our own.

This was attributed to the fact that French traffic takes an anticlockwise route around them. As a result, St Neots roundabouts will now function in an anti clockwise mode.

Although there may be a slight spike in incidents as drivers adapt to the new system, it is anticipated that, in the long run, this will lead to a significant improvement in road safety.

“This is a brilliant idea,” said councillor King Cooper, “and I can’t wait to see it kick in!”

Also, it has been noted that there is still a considerable amount of “whizzing through town” going on. So it is planned implement the French “Priorite Adroit” system, where traffic joining the road has priority over that on it. Councillor Bream said “It will enhance our quality of life, every drive will feel like a continental holiday.”

Representative Mick Hallit from the road haulage association said the plans were “ducking quackers” (or something like that.)

Those interested in finding out more about the town Faches Thumesnil can go to the twinning website, where there is a picture of St Neots church… hmmm.

On plans for the new store, Tesco spokesman Phil Fawcett said, “The car park is a bit to organised, no award winner believe me!” He continued, “however, we shall need to expand both out and up to make this our new main store for St Neots and you never know – another award winning car park.”

When asked about their current Barford Road store and why a new larger location was needed, Fawcett commented that “the recent crime maps have forced our hand. Why would anyone want to visit the Eastside store except those living in Eynesbury? We are re-branding the store with three thick blue stripes, removing it’s extra status and all things worth any value. The space vacated will be filled with Value products and cheap alcohol.”

The company will then sell lots of nice branded products in the new Westside store, for all the lovely residents of the Eatons with out the stuff getting lifted by “Eynesbury’s dirty little paws”.

Wayne Chervis, 17, from Duck Lane commented, “Wot, removing all the leccy bits, how am I to support the loss of my EMA now?”

Eynesbury Manor resident Bertrice Malpracteece was not too shocked. “Well it had to come, I shall enjoy mixing with those Eaton types while shopping.”

Local town and district Eynesbury councillor Steve van der Whitevanman was outraged. “Another blow to the residents of Eynesbury. This can not carry on, I shall go to the district planners  and protest at once!”

Councillor van der Whitevanman may be too late. Another secret HDC meeting may have already approved the plans.  Head of Planning Mr Puti Tupanrun had nothing to say on the matter, instead roaring off in a new Range Rover sport.

Local councils, backed by the Government, have long been fans of half-arsed schemes to reduce the number of cars on the road, such as pinch-point traffic calming, and not providing enough parking on new estates – all while not actually increasing the availability of public transport.

Secretary of State for Transport Lord Adonis issued a statement in Parliament saying, “All towns, cities and villages will have their access from local trunk roads and motorways restricted depending on the number of residents in said area.

“If people cannot get into the town as easily, there will be less cars on our urban roads. Fact.”

Lord Adonis hit back at claims that the strategy was ill-thought-out and would cause more, not less, traffic and congestion on town centre streets on account of everyone trying to leave by one exit, by saying “bollocks”.

St Neots often experiences the loss of one access to its only trunk route, the A1, when Mill Lane bridges flood approximately every seven minutes. While the road is closed, anyone entering the town from the north is forced to use the Crosshall Road junction and travel through the town centre, causing tail-backs up to three miles long through Eaton Socon.

Councillors were behind the plans. “I myself think that this is a stupendous plan, innit,” said self-martyring Lib Dem Terrence Dougall. “Less A1 access means less Huntingdon chav visitors as far as I am concerned, and also if it’s harder to get TO Huntingdon then we will probably get a cinema – I think myself that this stands to reason.”

The understandably pro-car AA said that the scheme was doomed to failure. “I don’t see how you would choose the exit,” said spokesman Eric Geddes. “OK, some towns like Huntingdon can lose a junction – that rubbish little one near Brampton that no-one uses because it causes you to die, for example.

“But most places, St Neots included, need all their exits and maybe more.”

Councillor Steven van der Whitevanman of Eynesbury, said “I know the AA have their reservations, but don’t forget they tried to delete St Neots off the map a few years ago. I hardly think they are a credible source for anything to do with cars at all ever.” Whitevanman, 46, hinted that the council were thinking of going one step further and closing both the Wyboston Lakes and Little Paxton sliproads.

“Anyone travelling from Bedford to Cambridge would have to drive through town, instead of round the bypass,” he said. “Once we pedestrianise the town centre, this will mean the average journey time through the town will be three to four days. This is a boon to local businesses as people will need to stop and eat every 100 yards or nine hours, whichever comes soonest.”

Former council leader Derek Miles said, “Steve is right. Once we have a big queue of traffic, we’ll shut the now-pointless bypass and build a fucking great big cinema on it. Perfect.”

Claims that they’ve been “told” to reign their necks in by their political leaders after several daft comments on a well known local website are dismissed as “not funny enough” by commentators. Instead speculators have proposed a number of more realistic options about where our representatives have gone.

Top of the list is the high probability that the majority of Town Council members have been subjected to an alien abduction. Local twins, Lil and Greta Paxton, who share a lifelong passion for astronomy, reported seeing “strange lights in the sky” last month just before the disappearance.

Greta told The Citizen “We was coming out of The Anchor on a Tuesday night when Lil went arse over tit. While she was flat out she told me the world was spinning and there were bright pink lights over her head.”

“I immediately put 2 and 2 together and can categorically state that all our councillors are currently being probed by aliens.”

The Citizen, as ever, thinks this to be a highly probable and profitable headline maker and we back the women’s claims.

ET had gone home and was unavailable for comment.

Sharon Kiley, a local mother, said “I saw one of these mainiacs ride straight over a crisp packet and I thought if that was my little boy playing in the road he could be killed or worse!”
Councillors have decided to act after representations were made by HiProfile Traffic Calming PLC. offering to solve the councils budget surplus problems.

Cyclewatch teams have been working in the High St. for a week now. Sydney Grosset the ‘team leader’ said, “Some of them ride so fast, we were really frightened, those chunky tyres are like a chainsaw coming at you!”

HiProfile’s plans involve a combination of concrete chicanes and rising mini-bollards triggered by excessive speed. There will be loudspeakers at stoplights which will deliver a stark warning:
“You have been seen cycling furiously, photographs have been sent to the authorities and you face possible prosecution!”
Those found guilty will have to wear a community waistcoat, saying “I cycle too fast and risk childrens lives” for a week (or even longer in serious cases!)

In other measures to cut the (potential) loss of life, a council spokesperson said a special fenced cycle lane linking the High Street with the station via Great Barford was being build “To make pople think twice before chosing a bike for the journey.” The LongStand bus company are contributing generously to the latter scheme.

Cyclewatch teams are meanwhile photographing cyclists for a ‘Naming and Shaming’ colour section in the St.Neots Citizen entitled “Just look at these irresponsible bastards!”

Story by PW

Newly elected Town Concillor for Eynesbury ward Steve van der Steven said, “I don’t see what was so secretive about it. We clearly told everyone in Eynesbury via a local community website, and we printed some leaflets that may or may not have been distributed.”

The Council had come under fire from the six local residents who did know about the election for not sending out polling cards. Eynesbury Hardwick councillor Bob Farms, who earlier this year won an election in the misplaced parish, said, “It’s absolutely disgraceful that those orangey buggers have been allowed to get away with this. No actual people live in my ward but at least we distributed polling cards to all the local livestock.”

The win allows Nick Clegg’s colleagues to retain their fifteen-year majority on the Council, during which they have managed to close the outdoor pool and let Conservative councillors traffic-calm roads unnecessarily, whilst trying to convince local residents that their tax is best spent on a cinema.

Van der Steven promised to be accessible to the people of Eynesbury via a premium-rate number. “It’s a good plan this,” he commented, “because the revenue will enable us to follow the Lib Dem’s masterplan and kick start the St Neots economy as an example to the rest of the country.”

The Liberal Democrats recently announced a proposed package of measures to revive the ailing British economy such as loft insulation and extra train carriages. Eaton Scon councillor Julie Wayward said, “We’re not actually planning to open any new train lines or use the 700 new carriages; it’s really just to give people something to do.” Media speculators say that the new trains will be laid end to end to create a corridor running from St Neots to Peterborough, thereby saving people money on expensive rail fares. Councillor Farms said, “I think they’d be put to much better use as moveable empty shops. We need a few more of those in St Neots at the moment; even with Woolworths shutting down we’ll only have about ten, and that is just not enough to sustain a local economy built on empty shops.”

Story by Geoff Ives

The firm supplies and installs speed humps, barriers and bollards, mini roundabouts and all other types of traffic calming, as well as traffic lights and cycle lanes.

But the economic downturn has hit Dog’s Bollards hard, and they are in desperate need of some new clients. “We’ve made a mint off St Neots in the past,” said managing director Vladimir Jones, “and the cash brought in by schemes such as Berkley Street – where we followed the council’s plans despite knowing that they would cause residential flooding and therefore requiring an expensive reworking – has always seen us through the quiet periods.”

With the credit crunch starting to be “a real ball-twister”, though, Jones said his company was having to fight for new orders. “After all our quality work in your town over the years, including the High Street speed bumps, the Eatons traffic-calmed area and the Eynesbury Manor ‘nipple’ roundabouts – not to mention the Crosshall Road pelican crossing – we thought we could count on the contract for Nelson Road in 2009.” But the Council revealed only today that it plans to postpone consultation on the scheme until things pick up financially.

“We’re hearing a similar story all over the country,” said economics spokesman and Dragon’s Den presenter Evan Davis. “Councils are putting off work on ‘added-value’ projects such as traffic calming residential streets with no history of fatalities or near-misses, and concentrating their efforts on areas with an actual problem.”

He added, “Only last week Woolworths announced it was to close after nearly a hundred years on our High Streets. Some say this is due to people shopping online as they are concerned about getting mown down by any vehicles not forced to stay below 9mph. Personally I think that’s a load of shit, but don’t quote me.”

Meanwhile, Dog’s Bollards denied that Collingwood Road resident Gordon Bennett was a “plant” designed to stir up public feeling towards a traffic calming scheme. “Clearly,” said Vlad Jones, “If we were going to plant someone in St Neots we’d use someone who is actually intelligent.” No-one from the Council was available to comment.

Read More Traffic Calming Related Articles

The announcement comes after traffic surveys along the road have revealed that many people use the road and most drive at or below the speed limit.

Councillor Miles explained: “Whilst some may see investigating costs of traffic calming methods as expensive it was believed to be cheaper to announce it than continue responding to campaigners directly, particularly with increasing postage costs.”

According to unofficial sources within the council, it’s believed that many methods traffic calming are being considered.  As well as the traditional speed humps, bollards, and mini-roundabouts the Citizen has heard reports of more radical ideas.  It’s rumoured that one option being considered is to advertise Nelson Road to railway commuters, and provide a free shuttle bus service to the station via the bypass.  It is hoped that this method would force traffic to slow down as cars narrow the road by parking along both sides, and at the same time ease parking problems closer to the station.

An official council spokesman said: “At the moment we’re looking into the concerns of local residents, and we wish to investigate it properly.  It may take several months, hopefully by which point we’ll be out of the current recession and have a sufficient budget to spend on the traffic calming.”

Jeremy Clarkson was not available for comment.

Initial findings have shown the town’s inhabitants to be “quite sick”. Most people were unaware of the checks being carried out on them, and therefore the findings were deemed to be true and accurate.

• 25% were found to be “fair to middling”
• 25% were suffering complete and absolute apathy
• 45% were suffering from aggressive “I went to London once so fuck off” syndrome
• 4% were unsure – and should be in solitary confinement
• 1% thought to be aliens.

Along with suggesttions on how to improve the future health of the town’s residents, the report mentions ways in which the town has already begun improvements. In particular, an unnamed councillor said that “The many and varied gift-card shops in the town centre could only help combat this general depression”. Indeed, the council has designed a range of cards targetting the sector of the population suffering from “Fuck Off Syndrome”, to save on difficult conversation. These include:

• “Do you want some?” (Tick list)
• “You and me, outside” with date & time confirmation slip and return envelope
• “What the ___ are you looking at, you ___” (left blank for your own comments).

The design of these cards is hoped to bring about a calmer, less shouty town centre, thus attracting more visitors to the town. However, this could all be to no avail. Traffic calming and the relocation of the recycling centre could cause such traffic congestion that it drives otherwise sober citizens to drink – or even Huntingdon.
Story by JW

Those exceeding the limit will find the road switched to an exit ramp joining the A1
Councillor Steven Bakander said “They will find themselves redirected to an environment more appropriate to their speed.”

Garry Wembley in his ‘big bore’ Nova was the first victim. “I was just going down me nans, and suddenly zapp I was heading onto the A1.” He added, “It’s hard to merge with the slow lane when you are doing 90 plus, it’s really dangerous!“

Dave Cromper, whose Subaru was also ‘redirected’, said, “It’s not fair, they put signs up but they assume everyone can read! I’m gonna complain, its racism against dyslexics or something innit.“

The scheme has cost £1.45m with a further £1.8m earmarked for northbound ‘points’ and a flyover planned for next year.

Pensioner Edith Corry said that the reduction in traffic noise was bliss. “I know I’m deaf but I could still imagine all the roaring and tyre squealing.” 72 year old Ned Blinkman also said things were getting pretty bad. “It had reached the stage where you had to look before crossing the road.“

Story by PW