Since 2009, the new village has been served by the Citi 4 bus and paid the same fares as Cambridge city residents.

But all this is to change, say bus company Stagecoach. From 17th April, Cambourners will have to pay the full £5.40 a day Dayrider Plus fare – the same price paid by those in St Neots.

“It’s a fucking outrage!” ranted local mum-of-six, Hayley Hanson, 29. “I go into Cambridge to shoplift from Mothercare every now and then, and I can’t afford to pay these extortionate rates.”

Neighbour Jim Costas, 40, added that he was disappointed with the news that Cambourne was not part of the city. “We’ve always maintained that we’re just on the outskirts,” he said, “but this move by Stagecoach really confirms that we’re out in the sticks.

“Really,” he continued, “we should have just moved to a proper town – like St Neots.”

Stagecoach really are increasing prices for travel from Cambourne from 17th April, and Neotians should note that from this day a DayriderPlus will increase to £5.40, and a MegariderPlus to £21.50. Passengers using smartcards and paying by monthly direct debit will not be affected.

“Listing the stopping services only confuses the user,” said Rageoach spokesperson Elle Ington. “Our signs are specifically for the aid of the drivers who really haven’t got a clue. Bearing in mind that none of them generally last longer than 2 days in the job, we have to have contingencies to prevent them wasting time and fuel stopping anywhere useful.”

She continued “We’re sorry if our policies have caused any confusion but frankly all we care about is making shed-loads of money and actually letting people on and off can make a significant dent in our profits. The days when bus services were run for the customer are long gone. The only people on them now are the ‘chav’ and’ chav not’s’ who can’t afford cars. Most of them can’t write and if they can they can’t afford a stamp to send a complaint letter. No point wasting time and effort providing anything useful.”

The Citizen understand that the scheme to list all buses that do not stop will be rolled out across the town increasing the size of the average sign to approximately that of a small sail.

Local man Running Rob said, “At least it’ll be somewhere to shelter from the wind while waiting the odd 2 hours.”

Reg Varney was unavailable for comment.

STD have confirmed that a “senior manager” with little responsibility had taken it upon himself to release a statement about something they knew nothing about. Reading between the lines The Citizen believes that the statement was probably true, but STD had underestimated the reaction and has now put some poor junior in the firing line.

Reaction from the town was more varied. Self-thinking councillor Terence Dougall was incensed. “I can’t bloody believe it” he said. “I have a great idea to support local business and it falls at the first hurdle. I going to be thinking hard about it all weekend.”

However Cambridge Road resident L. Tisley, who we spoke to earlier this week, commented “Thank Christ for that. At least there’s an end in sight to my walking amongst the unwashed every morning and evening.”

SNTC plans to separate St Neots from the rest of England have been strongly denied (until Monday).

“I’m shocked!” said Cambridge Road resident L. Tisley. “When I bought this place I was promised a cinema, a super-dooper health centre and bridge so I wouldn’t have to walk amongst the chavs on the way to work. All I’ve got is a soccer pitch and a school and I hate football and haven’t got kids! It’s shocking!”

Thinking for quite some time, local councillor Terrence Dougall confirmed that not building the bridge would be good for local trade. “I’ve had a bloody good think about this,” he ranted, “and I’m now claiming that it was my idea to shelve the bridge plans thereby making people have to walk closer to the Town Centre. In fact I’m proposing that all routes to the station are blocked off unless they pass The Old Bridge. Which means everyone, even from Loves Farm, would only be able to get to the railway via Eaton Ford. That’ll help our struggling businesses. I thought of that myself you know.”

Sir Alec Guinness was unavailable for comment

Local councils, backed by the Government, have long been fans of half-arsed schemes to reduce the number of cars on the road, such as pinch-point traffic calming, and not providing enough parking on new estates – all while not actually increasing the availability of public transport.

Secretary of State for Transport Lord Adonis issued a statement in Parliament saying, “All towns, cities and villages will have their access from local trunk roads and motorways restricted depending on the number of residents in said area.

“If people cannot get into the town as easily, there will be less cars on our urban roads. Fact.”

Lord Adonis hit back at claims that the strategy was ill-thought-out and would cause more, not less, traffic and congestion on town centre streets on account of everyone trying to leave by one exit, by saying “bollocks”.

St Neots often experiences the loss of one access to its only trunk route, the A1, when Mill Lane bridges flood approximately every seven minutes. While the road is closed, anyone entering the town from the north is forced to use the Crosshall Road junction and travel through the town centre, causing tail-backs up to three miles long through Eaton Socon.

Councillors were behind the plans. “I myself think that this is a stupendous plan, innit,” said self-martyring Lib Dem Terrence Dougall. “Less A1 access means less Huntingdon chav visitors as far as I am concerned, and also if it’s harder to get TO Huntingdon then we will probably get a cinema – I think myself that this stands to reason.”

The understandably pro-car AA said that the scheme was doomed to failure. “I don’t see how you would choose the exit,” said spokesman Eric Geddes. “OK, some towns like Huntingdon can lose a junction – that rubbish little one near Brampton that no-one uses because it causes you to die, for example.

“But most places, St Neots included, need all their exits and maybe more.”

Councillor Steven van der Whitevanman of Eynesbury, said “I know the AA have their reservations, but don’t forget they tried to delete St Neots off the map a few years ago. I hardly think they are a credible source for anything to do with cars at all ever.” Whitevanman, 46, hinted that the council were thinking of going one step further and closing both the Wyboston Lakes and Little Paxton sliproads.

“Anyone travelling from Bedford to Cambridge would have to drive through town, instead of round the bypass,” he said. “Once we pedestrianise the town centre, this will mean the average journey time through the town will be three to four days. This is a boon to local businesses as people will need to stop and eat every 100 yards or nine hours, whichever comes soonest.”

Former council leader Derek Miles said, “Steve is right. Once we have a big queue of traffic, we’ll shut the now-pointless bypass and build a fucking great big cinema on it. Perfect.”

Newly elected Town Concillor for Eynesbury ward Steve van der Steven said, “I don’t see what was so secretive about it. We clearly told everyone in Eynesbury via a local community website, and we printed some leaflets that may or may not have been distributed.”

The Council had come under fire from the six local residents who did know about the election for not sending out polling cards. Eynesbury Hardwick councillor Bob Farms, who earlier this year won an election in the misplaced parish, said, “It’s absolutely disgraceful that those orangey buggers have been allowed to get away with this. No actual people live in my ward but at least we distributed polling cards to all the local livestock.”

The win allows Nick Clegg’s colleagues to retain their fifteen-year majority on the Council, during which they have managed to close the outdoor pool and let Conservative councillors traffic-calm roads unnecessarily, whilst trying to convince local residents that their tax is best spent on a cinema.

Van der Steven promised to be accessible to the people of Eynesbury via a premium-rate number. “It’s a good plan this,” he commented, “because the revenue will enable us to follow the Lib Dem’s masterplan and kick start the St Neots economy as an example to the rest of the country.”

The Liberal Democrats recently announced a proposed package of measures to revive the ailing British economy such as loft insulation and extra train carriages. Eaton Scon councillor Julie Wayward said, “We’re not actually planning to open any new train lines or use the 700 new carriages; it’s really just to give people something to do.” Media speculators say that the new trains will be laid end to end to create a corridor running from St Neots to Peterborough, thereby saving people money on expensive rail fares. Councillor Farms said, “I think they’d be put to much better use as moveable empty shops. We need a few more of those in St Neots at the moment; even with Woolworths shutting down we’ll only have about ten, and that is just not enough to sustain a local economy built on empty shops.”

Story by Geoff Ives

We had hoped to bring you more information from this conference, however someone else enquired into Cllr Miles rumoured breakdown, at which point the conference was declared finished.

From our Australian correspondant

Development has already slowed on the Loves Farm development in the Far East section of the town, on account of nobody buying the houses. Larry Tate, spokesman for developers Slovis, said, “We’ve been having trouble selling houses on the Loves Farm Development so the council has decided the answer to this is to build another five thousand houses on the other side of the road.

“Anyone can see this is madness,” Tate continued, “Even we aren’t that fucking stupid.”

However, District Council spokesman Ian Thwaites said, “This kind of development is exactly what is needed in St Neots. Indeed, more houses might actually mean a population boost in the town.”

Unemployed former Town Council spokesman Dean Dexter, who was fired for his comments about the August Festival, said, “Obviously the District Council think that St Neots is some sort of well-connected urban centre. This is obvious because they said so. They must be living in a dream world. Clearly the East of England Development Agency are upset that their plans for Hanley Grange got overturned and want to shaft another small town instead.” Hanley Grange was to be the first so-called Eco Town in Cambridgeshire, but after Tesco pulled out plans were shelved. Local residents are also unimpressed. A local pyromaniac was quoted as saying, “Flaming heck, not more houses. D’you see what I did there?”

Developers Carrot Homes, however, were optimistic about the possibility of building a massive new estate behind the builders centre, and said, “If you let us do it we might build you a cinema.”