Not content with rumours that the town is made up of inter-marrying cousins, and that the clap is airbourne in Eynesbury, Eastside chavs have now added “danger zone for dogs” to the list.

Local teen May Marston, of Barringer Way, had taken her too-young-to-be-outside puppy for a walk in Priory Park, when she put it down for a minute, as you do, and some “local yobs” either stamped, kicked or trampled it to death.

“This is a fucking outrage!” said almost everyone on the local St Neots forums, where ninety percent of the content of other local papers originates. “St Neots should be on the map for the new fence in Cambridge street or something, not shocking incidents of caninicide.”

Local councillor Steve van der Whitevanman was quick to blame “the system”, rather than the fact that these hoodies need a good punching. “But then again,” said one of his colleagues, “if this hadn’t happened we wouldn’t be in the Daily Mail or the Sun… I’m not saying it’s a good thing, but…”

A lynch mob was last night roaming the streets of St Neots, using small cats stolen from the Parklands area of Eynesbury as bait. “If I see so much as a Doc Marten coming in the direction of one of these kittens,” said torch-wielding mobster Aaron Ovitch, 41, “it’ll me the last move the little Duck Lane twat ever makes.”

Similar town Wantage, which previously attempted to sue St Neots for being too much like it, offered help and guidance to the local population. Mill Street man Eric Lichardson, 26, said “Perhaps your town should employ ethics instructors to teach Neotians that it’s not ok to kick little fluffy baby puppies with big cute eyes and floppy ears to a bloody savage death. Do you need help from
Wantage?”

Another resident commented, “I think we’ll have to nuke St Neots from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”

St Neots town council leader Julia Wayward was said to be seriously considering the offer.

Wantage is around the same distance from Oxford as St Neots is from Cambridge, and as well as being a similar size both towns feature the presence of ducks, a Market Square and some of the south’s most “impressive” modified Novas.

“The next thing we know St Neots will go and get themselves a hill, and then we’ll know for sure they’ve been ripping us off,” gnarled Wantage local Fred Hurst, 82, commented.

St Neots town council leader Derek Miles said “Well, I don’t think this is going to stand up in court. Everyone knows St Neots is older – as well as better.”

This claim was rubbished by Wantage council who pointed out that theirs is a Saxon town, whereas St Neots was only founded in the 12th century, after thieving Eynesbury villagers stole the bones of the Saint from Cornwall.

Tempers flared when Patrick O’Feely, mayor of the Oxfordshire town, claimed that “King Alfred could well have Saint Neot in a fight – he was just some poofy monk wasn’t he?” residents of Little Paxton stood behind SNTC spokesman Dean Dexter trying to look threatening, but rubbish suburb Grove did the same for Wantage – and threatened to file suit for “becoming an overgrown housing estate attached to a small market town twenty minutes from a large university city” and thereby breaching the same copyright law.

Council leader Cllr Miles pointed out that “at least the X5 stops in St Neots – unlucky.”

It is thought that St Neots will merely settle out of court and a sum of approximately half a Rowley Million has been suggested as appropriate.